My therapist said a while back that we are going to focus on releasing the anger stored in me that I have against my parents and people who let me down.
7 months down the line and I still feel very indifferent to it all. I've always felt indifferent to what happened at home. I guess it's because I was born into it. I guess that if I lived in a happy home and then *boom*, it turned into an unhappy home, I could tell the difference.
What I experienced was mainly emotional neglect and put downs/let downs/loss. I wonder if my ever-lasting indifference is to do with this. There were regular arguments from day one, change of caregivers from 1-5, very back and forth emotional care and I wonder if, at a young age, I simply learnt to soothe myself by going inward.
I simply cannot tell. A friend of mine commented that he was surprised that I hadn't gone off the rails in drink/drugs or whatnot given the kind of care I had. Well..I had an overbearing, middle-eastern father (culturally fathers of women from middle-east can be VERY protective to the point of violence) which caused me to keep myself in solitude in my room with my music a lot of the time. That's my escapism. Impulse holidays have also been escapism in the past.
I feel that I should be feeling very intense distress but I don't. I simply go through life feeling perhaps disjointed, detached...I'm not sure. I'll wake up and do the errands that I have to do, no problem. But the inspiration or motivation to do my hobbies and do the things I used to love are no longer there. To start and finish something is almost impossible and I am a compulsive thinker/worrier. Literally, I am addicted to intellectualizing everything. It hardly stops and because it hardly stops, I cannot focus well on a good book or anything much for a long time.
Do you think that maybe I found a way of closing off at a young enough age so that now I'm normalized with closing off?
I actually feel a little envious of you guys on here who can feel because I feel that to feel I often have to think about the subject and exhaust it to get any feeling and even then, that might not really be feeling, it might be a result of rationalizing or thinking so much about something.
I'm simply not sure about how I'm progressing. If I went through some gut wrenching depressive episodes, I could probably measure how my feelings are coming out. Right now though, even when I cry in session, the source is so disconnected and thus feels unreal.
How long did it take you to start feeling? As in...attaching the mind to the body type feeling, where you know and can really feel the pain. When I cry I don't feel it in the body. And they turn off as easy as they turn on when in session.
Could it be that I've just got used to be robust in order to survive?
I guess one thing is that I have slowly, slowly become distrusting of people and more of a recluse. Perhaps that could be a given for my inner depression..
The only feelings I have that I can really measure is periodical and quite often, disgust at my mother (she left when I was 1 and then came and went every two weeks for a few hours. My rage at her started when I was 1) and anger when I see parents treating they're children badly. I do miss my family (not my parents. Uncles, Aunts etc) when I see them and have to leave to come back to the UK. That's about it.
I feel little passion, motivation, enthusiasm about much in life. I sort of kind of gave up when I realized that I have this habit of chopping and changing ideas of what I want to do. Who I am is so mixed up and what I want is such a mixture of wishes of my parents and wishes to please everyone else..
I also feel that its sometimes hard to empathize or feel for other people which is why I should apologize for being bad with it on these forums. I also feel that I'm being too self indulgent and again, I apologize for this. I simply don't connect to myself and my feelings in a very real sense to get meaning from them.
I feel I've annoyed some of you with my aloofness and if I have, you must let me know please. I have been getting paranoid about it lately that some of you don't like me! Silly, I know. Thanks for reading.
