Jill, i am so sorry things feels so hard in therapy with your T. Its very understandable that you seek acceptance from your T and also want to be 'someone' to your T- who wouldnt want that? Its all good things to seek. I am sorry you feel judged by your T- does she knows that part as well?
Yes, Jill, i think its deinitly possible to learn, recover and grow despite the angst you feel with her. The agst can change you know- You said you`ve talked to her about some of this, yeah?- Yet, it seems to me like you havent talked enough about it yet. Talking makes changes you know.. ok, now i am only saying the obvious things, arent i..sorry.
I am glad you reached out here, and hopefully you will feel better about this soon - i also hope you will get more helpful replies here than this one, i just wanted to let you know i hear you and support you and believe things will change for the better as long as you keep talking to your T about what you feel. That time is on your side.

...and the forum! Hugs,

df. you are right, i am projecting my own self hatred as coming from her. can one ever move from self hatred to self acceptance? do i have to have acceptance from her to accept myself?

sweet friend, i hate this stuff. i feel like my life is passing me by and i can't go and i can't quit.

i hate being fake, but, i can't go around town slobbering and crying and down...all the time, so i fake it, but i never believe it. what IS real?? the good? the bad? both? neither?

a real identity crisis here. and i can't eat. dropping weight, which is not bad, but i feel light headed, and have this feeling of being in the hospital next week at this time. heart failure. just a weird thought. yes, i have wide loops. maybe delusional. maybe psychotic.

jill

Jill,

It sounds as though you are going through a difficult time right now. When is your next appointment with your dbt?

lg, wednesday, and i hate to spend time on this relationship stuff, as it is so much what we talk about and i need SKILLS!! yes, i am spinning. i'm ok, venting, too. no worries on sh or anything,

i could come in tuesday, but, i have a ninety minute session on wed, and the money is tight.

this is all so distressing when you feel like you are no better than you were a year ago. just different issues.

now, i could give a rat's behind about my parents. last year i was guilt ridden.

agh, jill

quote:

a real identity crisis here. and i can't eat. dropping weight, which is not bad, but i feel light headed, and have this feeling of being in the hospital next week at this time. heart failure. just a weird thought. yes, i have wide loops. maybe delusional. maybe psychotic.

Jill... I feel so sad that you are suffering this way. To me, this worrying about heart failure etc. sounds like intense anxiety, the kind that feels like impending doom is around the corner. I know this because I have had this and it's awful.

I hesitate to give my thoughts, mostly because I really know very little about DBT or how it's supposed to work. From what I understand, it teaches coping skills but usually people are also working with a psychodynamic type therapist to process the other things that need to be addressed to heal. Someone correct me if I am wrong. DF... I think you work with two T's right?

While I do think that for you the coping skills are really important I'm not sure you are getting the containment you need from the DBT gal, who may not be equipped to provide this type of therapy. What you describe sounds like you are abandoning yourself and then sliding into the black hole of self-hatred and depression. The feelings are also indicative of someone with a lot of shame reactions to what is discussed in therapy and I'm not sure from what you write if this is addressed in the session. I used to tell my oldT some really hard stuff and then when I left him I would sort of freak out that he now hated me and I was vile and toxic and he wanted rid of me. I would have to email him or call him to check in and be sure we were still okay. While I felt I could talk to him about these issues, I don't think (now looking back) that he did a good enough job of containing my feelings and in calibrating the amount of stuff that got processed in one session... leaving me in a bad place until I could see him again and clear things up and sort of settle down my emotions.

With my newT I don't seem to go through this cycle ... or at least as intensely as I used to. Of course, I have not gotten into the really difficult stuff but he IS new to me and there is the phase of getting to know him... but ... I find that I don't have to wonder what he is thinking about anything because he TELLS me and that answers my doubts and I can feel held and contained until I see him again. This is really GOOD.

So I would discuss how you are feeling with DBT gal and I would ask her if her patients also see a P-D type T to do some other work. Tell her you are having a hard time containing the "fall-out" from your sessions. You know, Jill, the biggest area of concern in people with complex-PTSD is the dysregulation of emotional affect. To learn how to control affect is a difficult thing for us but I do believe it is possible with the right type of T and therapy. It started to happen for me with oldT until he screwed it all up for me. I am not quite starting over with newT but I have some catching up to do.

You are a good person Jill who truly wants to learn and to get better and I think you just need the right T and the right approach and you will be okay. Don't give up on you... we won't.

Hugs
TN

tn, thanks. your words mean alot. you hit some good points. yes, i do not feel contained. what i like most is what you said:

"I find that I don't have to wonder what he is thinking about anything because he TELLS me and that answers my doubts and I can feel held and contained until I see him again. This is really GOOD." tn

this is really good, so you don't have to wonder. i have to ask, and i can, but i feel so silly...'what do you think of me'...too, it is a trick question, what is she supposed to say...i think you are nuts?? so, regardless, unless she seemed really genuine in her words, i would distrust her.

the thing is, i can't tell if this is 'her' related, or if this is just 'it'. y'no?

dysregulation of affect...by this, so you mean the loops??

i'll have to google that expression.

sometimes i wonder if i am bi-polar-ish, as they cycle so fast...and now i am on two anti depressants and just started hormones. man, menopause and a mental breakdown are tough to do at once. let the drama end!!

thanks, i'll bring up these points, and i am glad that at least so far, this new t seems to contain and accept you. not that he wouldn't, but more that you FEEL it.

onward.

yes, panic, fast heart beat. lightheaded. probably anxiety, and not a heart attack. jill