Sometimes, I find it hard to figure out what I need or want.

My T is going to be on vacation for three weeks in October, and so we have been talking a little about that and what I will need to get through that time. I asked for a "transitional object" but I didn't use those words with her - but asked if I could hold on to a little stone bear while she is gone. She said sure... she offered it to me when I went on two longer trips... so it was easy to ask for now that she will be gone. My T has suggested and offered that I could meet with a back up T. I have talked to and met with the back up T before when my T was gone on a long vacation, but it didn't help. I got really triggered by her actually and it backfired... my T suggested we could meet and work that out... but shiesh... I don't know that it is worth it. Mostly because I'm not sure what I need or would want from a back up T - this T or another.

Both my T and I think having some kind of plan in place would be a good idea. I'm not going to be processing trauma, yet there is enough going on for me that a plan would be good. I just stopped having any relationship with my former SD (who keeps calling me anyhow to he point of begining to be beyong just boundary pushing and just creepy). I have two more weeks before my T is gone, and I wish I didn't feel like I needed more support than I do without her... dang it... it is just that it has been a rough season lately and other support has been shakey or unsafe. I do see another T - but it is for really specific kind of therapy. I have taken some new steps with that T, and I think maybe I could take more... but I don't know, and there is something that feels really safe about having that one relationship stay like it is... limited... and no "crisis" kind of stuff...

I'm not sure if crisis stuff is what I need a plan for while my T is gone. I think it is. Everything else can wait.

Ugh. This sucks.

I wish I could d this on my own. I want to think I can, and three months ago I could have. Life just has been really tough the past two months. Things are calming down, sort of.

I'm trying reqlly hard to not judge and condemn myself into oblivion as I typically do for not being "good enough" or strong enough on my own, and just accept where I am at in the hop that it will actually help me be stronger... I don't know though what would help.

I'm wondering what has helped others in tough seasons to get through when a good supportive T is gone on a 3 week break? A crisis/safety plan? More? Less? Hmmm...

I'm also wondering how people figure out what they need when they have become good at ignoring needing anything...

Any thoughts?

jane