((((((VHF)))))

Great name, btw. I'm so glad you feel stronger and less anxious. The feelings are so much more manageable once you accept them, aren't they? Good luck with the conversation with your T. Please let us know how it goes.

VH, I'm so happy for you. ET can be tough to dicuss, but it's so worth it when you have a T that accepts your feelings and isn't threatened by them. Please let us know how it goes next session.

Hi Liese and Affinty, It went horrible and I am so pissed off. I brought a great article and read some of it to him. The article helped more than he did. He was useless. He only asked "So, how am I doing?" (in dealing with ET with me). I said okay, but did not even know how to answer that question. I was expecting him to guide me through this. It was hard enougth for me to even bring this subject up. He offered basically nothing. We spoke of a dream from last week that had a sexual undertone to it pertaining to him. I thought maybe he would be able to elaborate on it and erotic transference. I told him I don't even know how to articulate what I am feeling....HELP ME, YOU IDIOT!!!! There was a fair amount of silence and he said "I have a feeling there is something going on here"....well, what???? Because I have no clue. Then he just switched subjects to my intense feelings about him going on vacation across the world, with no contact for 19 days; which I have a very difficult time managing...always when he leaves me. I felt like he was getting pleasure out of my pain because he is the all-powerful therapist. Gee, thanks for bringing your trip up to make me feel even worse. This person is a highly-trained therapist and I feel like he just left me hanging with no direction. Sorry for the rant, but I HATE him right now and emailed him that I won't be at the next session because all of this is a waste of time and is pointless. I was so disappointed and hurt. I was brave enought to walk into this and got nothing from him. As I was leaving, he looked at the article and made a comment. I said "Do you want it?" He nodded and I gave it to him....maybe he will learn something!!! And, I just walked out the door......fuming!

Oh, dear! I'm so, so sorry to hear that. It can be outright unbearable to bring up something that makes us feel so vulnerable, only to have T respond in the wrong way. It was good that you expressed your anger; it will give you a place to start working this out. I know seeing him is the last thing you want to do, but that means it's probably the exact thing you should do - even if it means screaming at him for an hour. (This is the stuff we pay them for, after all.)

Big hugs for you, VH. I hope you two can work this out.

Oh VH I am very distressed for you. You were VERY brave to bring up this subject. I am sorry T reacted the way he did. He does not even have the excuse of being blindsided since you have been dancing around this topic for awhile. Can I aske what article you shared with him? I do know exactly how you feel because I experienced this same thing with my oldT.

It started one session when I read him a poem I wrote about... what I believed was my therapy journey and how he was such an important part of it. There was no reference to ET or love for him or anything but he froze. He looked like the deer in the headlights when I was done. Then instead of discussing the poem which took a LOT of courage to read to him in the first place... he totally changed the subject. I was like, huh? Then of course I felt that I did something horribly wrong. I was so humiliated that he hated that poem so much he couldn't even address it.

So I went home and did a search for transference and found another board group on line and joined them to get support and figure out what was going on. I met our AG on that other board and she was so instrumental in helping me go back to talk this through. BTW, I had been in therapy about 5 months when this happened. My oldT was a Ph.D and had 15 years of experience as a T. We were exactly the same age. AG and I discussed transference and ET and she encouraged me to go back and talk it through with him. So I did. And that is when I found out how woefully uninformed he was about this subject, despite his education and experience.

I had read the book In Session by Deborah Lott about transference and also some articles. I bravely went in and re-read the poem line by line with my own interpretations for each line of the poem so there was NO misunderstanding. I did have ET with him mixed with the parental feelings but the poem was not about that. So after I re-read the poem I asked him what was so romantic about it and he said the line where I said "when I look into your eyes". OMG. I had written something like... "when I look into your eyes I hope to see acceptance and understanding".

So then I pushed him a bit and he waffled around and said "well you know that in therapy you sometimes have this intimate relationship and then when "other" feelings come into play it could disrupt the therapy and cause it to fail... blah blah". How stupid! Like it was a danger and my feelings were going to ruin the therapy. You are SUPPOSED to have feelings in therapy. I told him that even if I professed my undying love for him that it was HIS job to address those feelings, accept them and be willing to discuss them with me. I had to reassure HIM that I would not act on my feelings and that I had no agenda other than talking about how I felt.

I thought I had done something so horrible that I would be immediately terminated. I ended up trying to teach him and then I had to calm him down. In effect, I became the T. This role switch would continue throughout my therapy with him. I then offered him the book In Session to help him come to terms with transference (it was the only book I knew of back then) and after six months when he had still not opened the book I took it back. I had even gone through the trouble of highlighting and marking the areas of importance to me.

I am surprised by your T because in the past he seemed comfortable with discussing sex and he has had many years of experience. This is not about you or even how you feel or the relationship, you have done nothing wrong. it's about his discomfort with the topic and maybe it triggering something in him. We assume that T's, even with experience and knowledge can handle ET but not all of them are comfortable with it. I would not withdraw but go back and face him down. Hey, I walked into the witches den today! You can do this. The relationship is worth it. He may just need a little time to digest everything and decide the best way to work this through for you.

I am sorry to ramble on about myself and my own experiences in T. I do want to just add here that I had a horrible disruption with current T over the "hug" topic. I thought it was a relationship ender. We just kept going back to it over the past 2 years and it really has strengthened our relationship and that has helped me get through this recent issue.

Hugs to you VH and I hope you are okay and that my rambling has somehow been of help to you.

TN

Thanks to all of you. Your understanding and kindness has helped me. I am still very upset over this. I was in tears all night. I put myself out there in a very brave and scary way and it meant nothing to him. TN, thanks for sharing your experience, it helped. I want to face him down. But I think, he thinks, the article said it all, so he may have felt he had nothing to add, and that I received a clear view on what ET is. I was waiting for him to expand on me and him. I am not sure if he was totally clueless or just thought I was satisfied from the article. I know this man finds me attractive, but I really don't think he is attracted to me....who knows. I really believe he is competent to handle this but, I think he is waiting for me to take the wheel. I want him to take the wheel....right? This is a huge subject to have floating around the room and I just thought it deserved a lot more attention from him as the professional. I do wonder if he was uncomfortale. He was very cool and controlled and just looked at me. Sometimes I wonder if he likes the fact that this is happening to me towards him and that seems cruel; like....oh...this younger women is thinking about me like this. He never asked directly if I have sexual thoughts about him. He does not understand the impact he has on me or how deep this runs. The "love" I have for him....which is not real anyway. I still cannot believe how light he took it all. I read that book you mentioned. The article is from a website called guidetopsychology.com. The article is called Erotic Transference. I love that website and have learned tons from it. What do I need T for then? There is a question answer section too. Sorry, I am all over the place with this.

Veryhopeful, you have been brave indeed to open to your T and share with him the erotic feelings that are sensitive and vulnerable. You certainly have more courage than I do.
But, I'm just wondering if the T might be less responsive because he's hoping you will look into some of those transference issues that came before the erotic feelings, such as in early childhood before transference becomes sexualized. Those are essential, too. Just an idea. Sometimes it's easier, even, to feel sexual than to look at mistreatment and rejections from way back.

Happy Update!!

Thank you Sky, I agree with everything you wrote and appreciate your input. I am very happy to say as I was walking outside today, my phone rang and I did not have my glasses and could not see who it was. It was T!!! He called me. We spoke for about 30 minutes and it was a very open, and I mean open conversation. I cannot express my gratitude and relief to have this clarified between us. He basically misread me and walked me through why he did what he did. Now, I "love" him even more!! It is really the acceptance I receive from him that I interpret as love. I also got the courage to ask him why he will never say "I care about you". I asked if he does not verbalize that on purpose and he said yes. He gave me a very detailed reason why he will not tell me that. It made complete sense. His actions speak louder than those words. I know deep in my heart, he cares. He sure proved it today and I am floating with happiness and relief. He knows how invested I am in this and I know he is equally, if not more invested. I have driven this man crazy and he won't give up....so....either will I. This forum is a real help. I am grateful to be able to vent here and receive support. Thank you!

Hi Veryhopeful

Thank you for being so honest and open on this forum, it has really helped me. I am going to look for this article.

I think you are very courageous to have brought this subject up with your T, it isn't easy. I am so pleased you have sorted things out with him.

I have said a little about myself on the Introductions thread and transference of any kind freaks me out. If you have time please read it.

Do keep in touch and let us know how it goes.

Well done you

Caroola x

quote:

I also got the courage to ask him why he will never say "I care about you". I asked if he does not verbalize that on purpose and he said yes. He gave me a very detailed reason why he will not tell me that. It made complete sense.

Hi VH....I'm so glad you got that call from T and that it helped you so much. If you feel comfortable, can you explain a little more of what I have quoted above. Can you share his reasoning for this. I ask because my T does tell me he cares and I am curious as to why this may not be a good thing. Of course, he didn't tell me this for a long time (we are together almost 4 years now of 2x per week sessions) because in the beginning he probably didn't have those feelings because he didn't know me.

Are you seeing him this week? I hope you have a good session.

TN

Thank you all for caring about this. Been distracted with life and have not been able to respond.

Sky, I agree with what you wrote. We do look into all that early stuff too. You always have something pertinent to say...thanks

Caroola, Nice to meet you and it warmed my heart that you said sharing my "stuff" has helped you. That means a lot to me. It was really so difficult to go near that subject....terrified the wits out of me. T received me so well yesterday and we walked very slowly through the confusion and bewildered feelings I could not articulate. Seems my father may be at the base of all this. I've always felt the only thing I have to offer a man is sex. I have deeply instilled beliefs that I am essentially worthless to the world and a man only wants one thing...my father did not like women at all and guess what....he got 7 girls in a row!! So, I am the one that hid from him, my whole life. Still trying to work that all out.

TN, I've known T for abuot six years and seeing him regulary for 3 years. I wish I could remember, verbatim, what he said. He did say he needs me to "feel" that he cares about me and said that if he told me those words I would not believe him. I said that I am not so sure about that. I've been craving to hear those words. He also said that his behaviour and actions have demonstrated the care he has. That is very true.
He said so much, I cannot recall. I just knew it all fell into place and felt the love and care...even if it's "only" therapy love, come through the phone line and envelope me. I felt it then. I know intellectually he cares, it's the danger of letting myself feel it. Then he has the extra power to hurt me and trick me. We are working on it. Thank you all. This has helped me sort through this.

Hi VH

I did post something but I deleted it but it said exactly what your T said to you. When I've asked my T why she never tells me she cares she said the same as your T did. She said I needed to feel she cares for me by her actions and how she is with me in sessions. She also said would you believe me if I did say I cared and I know at the time I wouldn't . However now I know she cares about me without saying it, it took me a long time but I got there in the end

Luc

Lucina, I knew I saw your post the other day because it was exactly what my T said to me. I wondered why you deleted it. Thanks for putting it back up there. When I read it, I knew I was not alone. Thanks.