Update: About a month ago I realised I have BPD and have been reading crazily about it. It was during the week that youngT terminated me. I realised at some point that the bizarre way I was trying to win her back, was suicidal, stopped eating, cried for 6 days, totally shut down - that this was a big reaction to something. The BPD clicked with me.

I found my new T . Been with her a month. (I had done my research on her and knew she worked with personality disorders and used ACT and DBT). I have been trying to tell T (and tried for weeks to tell youngT about SI) but it was just distressing me more and more that I couldn't bring it up. I thought I needed to as it might affect how T treats me. I couldn't tell her last week and felt so bad about myself. So I emailed her and told her I needed to talk to her about something major and that I had been unable to tell her and youngT and it was causing me major distress.. T never replied to the email. I was a bit ambivalent whether I was going to bring it up today as other things had cropped up (like PTSD reactions all week from the termination from youngT).

Anyway T today said she got my email and brought up a few issues from it and never asked about the big one. I wasn't feeling inclined to talk (I know - I am crazy.....well I am so I can say that ). So after 20 mins she said "Ok so I have mentioned a few things in that email now and I don't know how far to push you about the thing you can't talk about". Hmm, lots of awkward silences, uncomfortable movement. She asked me many times what was I feeling. Looking back she was trying to stop me from dissociating....i didnt appreciate that at the time.

Anyway I was feeling really bad, lots of physical things were happening to me. I got my bit of paper and handed it to her and kinda didn't let it go.

Before she started she said ' I want you to take notice of all the shifts in your body, I know you are feeling very distressed at the moment'.

Anyway I put my head down while she read it, I stayed with the fast beating heart, the sick feeling in my stomach and the tears in my eyes until I couldn't stand it any longer. Just before she finished I realised I wasnt feeling a single thing and I was fogged out.

She said to me "are you with me" I said "kinda half here". I told her what I felt when she was reading it but right then I felt nothing and was thinking nothing.

Anyway she accepted the BPD stuff - as she should. I was expecting her to say "and why do you think you have it and go thru it all - ie not believing me". i had told her that she needed to be very gentle with me. She seemed "happy" about it - or maybe caring? I dont know which. We went over time also and she didnt rush me out. I asked her was she surprised and I can't remember what she said.

I asked her how would this change things between us, other than taking a really long time. She said that she was doing phase 1 - stablising me, and doing mindfullness and emotion regulation - none of that would change. She would be using DBT anyway as a common theme for me is suicidality. She said from her therapy stance, nothing too much changes as she will be treating all the individual features / symptoms of BPD anyway.

She said what might change is her having to withstand my love/hate, angry/happy, push/pull cycles! I said yeah - I will hate you and love you at different times - and T said "yes and even at the same time". She was all ok with this. We laughed. She obviously is experienced in it.

I said to her that I had such a HUGE reaction to youngT terminating me because it was the first time in my life that I had an attachment to anyone - that is why it was so big, so emotional and so devastating.

I told her that sometimes I am going to need her just to text me or email me to say hello - she said she will do it whenever I ask or need it - but we will give each other feedback if she thinks I am emailing too much. I said that I have realised that I always need to send an email between sessions and I will be responsible for telling her whether I am brain dumping or whinging or whether I need help. If she is unsure - she is going to ask me (and I am not allowed to get angry...). She said it can be part of my relationship training that I learn to ask for what I need.

I told her that I felt I had a bunch of problems and when reading there was always mention of Borderline Personality Disorder - but it wasnt until the split from youngT during that horrible week that it clicked as I felt my reaction was so explosive, desperate and raw. When I wanted to die because I couldn't be with this youngT - that was a turning point - I realised that I was having a severe reaction to something and I felt crazy. I told T that eventually i started reading on BPD and it felt so right. When talking with people on this forum with BPD - I feel so comfortable.

She said that it must have helped me last week when I booked in about 10 appointments and I said yes - it did. Then she said - I am going away for 1 week soon (I knew this and I am away also) and won't have email, but I will have my phone. Don't you think that is so lovely that she is reassuring me !!!! There were a lot of tears and a lot of jokes - I tend to joke when things are tense.

Not sure how I am feeling now. Actually I feel quite teary and want to drink my thinking away.

Pretty huge hey!!!