Hi kmay... of course you are emotional and in tears. You have been through a very difficult and emotional experience. I applaud your courage in seeking out a new T.

Even though you did not hear anything from this new T, I would give her the benefit of the doubt this one time. She may be out of town or on vacation and I would give her more time to respond. In the meantime, are there any other T's on the list that seem like a good fit for you? It took me seeing 4 other T's before settling on my current T. I'm glad I took my time and was careful about committing because it has worked out SO well for me in the end. I am much better off with my T than my oldT who hurt me traumatically.

Good luck and keep us posted.

TN

((((((((( Kmay ))))))))

I'm so sorry for your pain - I know just how it feels when you've screwed yourself up to look for a new T, trawled through endless info finally decided on one and made a mental commitment to them and been brave enough to get in touch with them, and then are left sitting alone unacknowledged ignored not responded to . It sucks big time.

TN has made some good points, I'd suggest though that you pre-empt all this awful waiting and wondering, especially as it's Friday and if you don't hear from her today you get stuck with a weekend before you can do anymore - why don't you call her or send a reminder email?

She may be busy and not gotten around to answering her emails, she may just be slack when it comes to responding to emails, in any event it can't hurt to give her a nudge. Don't be afraid of being 'too much' - it's your pain, your life, your healing and if she's the one for you, she'll cope with being prodded a bit.

Also if you can bring yourself to do it, keep looking at other Ts - I also found in my endless quest for new Ts that if I had only one contact going at any given time, it drove me crazy waiting to hear - having several queries going gave me a sense of at least having potential options (all eggs not in one basket so to speak.)

I am truly sorry though, I know none of this is helping you feel better, because finding a new T is not what you really wanted to be doing in the first place

All the best to you Kmay

LL

I agree with what others said. Sometimes people are busy or flaky with getting back, or your email might have landed in a spam filter. I would call and leave a message for good measure, and then call a couple other people too. You will feel better if you have options!

TN,
Yes, you are right. Thank you. I am going to giver her the benefit of the doubt and call and leave a message and see what happens. Still no email....

LL,
Thank you for validating my feelings. You nailed it...and it feels less lonely knowing others understand. I really like your idea of going ahead and finding a few to contact. I like the idea of having some potential options. Yes, I am going to do that now in fact while I am on lunch break. And actually, although finding a new T is really not what I want to be doing....you are in fact helping me feel better, so thank you.

BLT,
I actually did not even think about spam. That makes sense too.

I will let you guys know what happens.

Hi there Kmay, any news on this new T? How are things going on the finding a new T front? Hope you’re doing ok

LL

LL,

Well I didn't ever call. I just couldn't for some reason. I was feeling very rejected and felt like I would just be an annoying message on her voicemail.
Then yesteray, I got an email from her. This is what it said:

Hi Kmay,
I am actually not on any insurance panels anymore. I am happy to discuss my fees with you. You can call me at .......

Sooooo...it doesn't really matter anymore about what I think or feel about the kind of T she possibly could have been b/c she is not in insurance and b/c it took her a freakin' year to even email me back. She must be very busy and full of patients already.

Anyway, I felt really annoyed after I read the email and then I just felt numb.

Maybe I am not meant to find a new T right now? I just cry when I think about it but maybe that's because it is what I really need...I just don't know. Boo

Happy to discuss her fees indeed. I'll bet she is.

Maybe this is just me, but I kind of think it's a bad sign when the *first* thing they say is about something financial. Obviously it's a business arrangement on one level and that has to be discussed but I think rubbing it in too much is tacky. That's just my perspective.

(((kmay)))

I thought it was typical for T's to list on their websites which insurances and forms of payments they accept? I believe all the websites I visited when T shopping included this info, and it is part of the profile information of Psychology Today's database, if you wanted to try looking for a T there.

I am sorry this was s disappointing interaction, but I hope you don't let it stop you looking for another T or conclude it's a sign therapy isn't meant to be if it's something you still want.

(((kmay)))

I wouldn't conclude anything about your destiny in general because of this one disappointing interaction. Not every T is going to be right for you, which is why you're probably going to have to interview a few of them before you find the right one. It's not necessarily a fun process, but just try to remember you are in control of it. YOU get to decide who to interview, who to go see and who to reject.

Having said that, I know how impossible this can feel! The first time my oldT tried to refer me, I called the voicemail of the T she referred me to, and I thought she sounded unfriendly or perhaps a bit evil even (!) I cried and cried and went back to oldT for a month because I thought I'd never be able to replace her. Well guess what? A month later, I contacted a few potential T's and interviewed two of them. "Evil voicemail" T turned out to be PERFECT and I've been seeing her for almost a year now. THERE IS HOPE, KMAY! Right now you're in the part that sucks but it gets better. I promise! You just have to get out and do the legwork.

Oh Kmay I’m so sorry that T turned out to be such a dud. And yeah, I can fully understand why her email put you off, and not just because she didn’t take insurance.

I know how disheartening it can be, to pick a T and then find out they’re not much chop anyway. And to have to go on to another and maybe another and so on and all the time you’re carrying this big bag of pain around with you that would be so nice to just throw at the feet of a new T and have them take it off you...

Not sure if this will be encouraging or just make you run howling for the hills, but the P I am now seeing is the 35th (or 34th or 36th I can no longer remember) therapist I’ve seen during my life. When I decided to go back into therapy again three years ago, I was determined to find a T who really could help me, rather than waste months with a T who ultimately was going to be useless. So I did the rounds time after time after time, researching, emailing, phoning, meeting, spending several sessions trying to see if THIS one would be the one – I got to the point where I ran out of Ts in my area . Anyway there is an upside to the story in that the last T I saw (who happened to be one I had previously seen briefly) finally recommended I see someone more experienced and better trained and she dug up a name for me and in the end that’s how I got the P I’m seeing now. I would never in a million years have found this P by myself .

So ok it’s early days for me with this new P, but on the whole I have a lot of hope that it will work out with her. Completely different approach, completely different attitude, together with the fact that she’s a clinical psychologist rather than just a bog standard therapist and that her specialism is psychosis, which makes her good on paper for me, all bodes well for therapy actually working this time for me.

Sorry for the long ramble, the moral of the story is that as BLT says, you have to do the legwork to get yourself a T you’re going to be able to work with. And don’t be afraid to research, reject, walk and keep searching.

Though I know how awful it must feel right now . Just hang in there, even if you decide that finding another T is not right for you at the moment, keep an eye out and ear to the ground. Don’t give up hope (((((((( Kmay ))))))))

LL

HIC,

That is EXACTLY what annoyed me so much. About the email just being about the finances and nothing else. I actually revealed a little bit about my emotional state and issues in the original email I sent to her just to give her an idea of my situation. The fact that she said nothing at all about that (I mean even a "Hi Kmay, I am sorry you are struggling right now. I would like to help...so on") you know? For all she knows, I might have loads of money coming out of the wahoo (I wish!) and would have paid her fees if I thought she was right...but not with that response. Boo! And yes, her website did say she took insurance. I am guessing by her response that she just recently decided to go off insurance panels and just work privately? My old T did that. I am going to keep looking for a T...I need one. I know that. I'm just in so much emotional pain. I loved (well love) my old T. This is just so hard. But I didn't really expect any of it to be easy. And I still know I made the right choice about old T. It just is what it is.

BLT,
Oh man...that is so funny b/c when I read the email I got back, I just started crying and I was fighting, I mean really fighting myself not to pick up my phone and call old T. Thank you for your story...how ironic. Gives me some hope

LL,
Not running for the hills at all...and no howling I actually really quite love all your posts and input. I noticed that you always (I don't know if you know this) say at the end of almost everything you write that you apologize for rambling or for carrying on or something of that nature.I just wanted to say that I love everything you write. You make me laugh and I never feel like you are ranting. I think your writing is like "talking". Meaning you write the way I do, it feels like you are talking to me, having a conversation, instead of writing. I love it. Ok, now I'm rambling lol.
Anyhow, yes you are right. It is a process and I have to remember that. You know, I am a manager at my job. I am in charge of hiring and few months ago when we had an open position, I interviewed about 10 people and still had not accepted anyone yet. I remember the job recruiter from the Corporate Office who sends the candidates out was getting so annoyed with me. She said "Ok, well we have done about 10 interviews, so which one do you want to pick?" I remember thinking, "Ummmm no. I'm not just going to put a warm body in the office. We put alot of money and time into training new associates hoping that they are in it for the long haul, so I am going to find the right fit."
I think I shall think about finding a new T with this same mindset. I am hoping I can just remain strong while searching.

Thank you all for your support.

's

Aw thanks Kmay for saying such nice things about me .

Good to hear you’re keeping the fighting spirit up despite how crap you must be feeling. And the way you describe interviewing and recruiting in your work, yeah that sounds like a good model to follow, it is similar isn’t it, we are after all looking for a T with the right training the right experience the right attitude and most importantly of all, the right fit. Best of luck in the search

LL