I don't have much advice, but I do have hugs!!! I found adjunctive therapy has helped a lot. I don't think I would have been able to continue with my T outpatient if I had not found it. When I looked around for adjunctive therapy, I actually had to make a lot of calls to ask about insurance. However, sometimes on the psychology today website, http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/ you can put in a type of therapy and insurance and come up with possibilities. The options I ended up finding aren't on that site though, so if it doesn't bring up anything helpful, don't give up. Oh, I wish I had more useful input... I'm so sorry things have been so rough lately. Shiesh, sometimes I just wish life would give both of us a bit more of a break. Be as kind to you as you can. I know it is hard to even stop the self hate, but you really don't deserve it. You are dealing with a lot and I know it feels like things are bleak for how you are doing, but I see a lot of hope and progress for you, even though things are so rocky right now. It will get better in time... (I know, so easy to say and believe for another, so hard to believe for ourselves.)

many many hugs hugs to you, praying for you tonight as well,
~ jane

Here's some more hugs!!

(((((YAKU)))))



Sorry things are so tough right now. Thinking of you and wishing there was something I could do to help.

Liese

Hi Yaku,

Sending hugs your way and saying please don't hate yourself.



You are a very creative, loving soul and I do hope you can locate an art therapist soon. Maybe if you try searching for occupational therapists? You might find more covered within your insurance, than art therapy, and some do similar practices to art therapy.

take care!
Summer

Thanks for all the hugs and suggestions. There are Eq T's on my insurance around here, but the advice I'm getting (internal) is that for this particular part/issue, it needs to be something like art or music, creative in that sort of a way.

I'm not doing at all well right now, so I'm really sorry that I am useless to everyone right now. Lots of love to you guys and thanks for all the hugs.

Yaku - go with what your interanl advice is telling you for sure. (I myself have done art therapy at the program I was in, and Ifound it incredibly helpful.) Another idea is support groups - sometimes they are free. They have helped me re-stablize in tough times. Things like Celebrate Recovery and the like. There are also "theraputic" things outside of therapy that sometimes help me. I'm in a creative dance class now (and I don't dance) but I have found it to be relaly helpful in conjunction with my therapy. It was something I signed up for because some part inside of me thought I needed to connect with my body mre and thought this would be a way to work on that. It was hard at first, but now I find it to be a fun release. I never thought it would be.

I hope you find a good art or music therapist! Go with what you are sensing you need - trust that - I think you have great insight on things.

~ jane

p.s. you are NOT useless to anyone here. You are of great value, period. I like reading your posts and it helps me with my own stuff. It really does. Even if it didn't, you are by no means useless.

Yaku,

Have to searched your local NAMI chapter? I know ours offers a once a month free art therapy class. I've never gone, but it is there. Just a thought. Also, I know you've searched the links I've given you before, but that might be the 20+ miles you are talking about.

What about a skills group? I'm starting one next week myself. It isn't a support group, but can help with learning skills to deal on your own.

STRM - Thanks for the reminder about all the links you gave me before. I checked out my local NAMI's page. Nothing much on art therapy, but one of the main places they recommend is actually a group I sent an email to earlier today (unrelated), because they are on my insurance and H and I saw one them through his work two years ago for six weeks (before we knew our HMO covered us). So, I sent an email asking for advice/referral on this topic. The one thing I started getting myself paranoid about is if I start seeing an in-network therapist for adjunct stuff, I wonder if my insurance will say, "Oh, good, she found another therapist!" and terminate my single case agreement with T.

Anyway, the group doesn't have anyone who lists art therapy, but they do have people who do play therapy, sandtray, somatic experiencing, EMDR, etc. But, I don't know how experienced any of them are with extreme dissociation, so I kind of just put a feeler out there, saying I was in intense therapy for a dissociative disorder and am looking for help locating a possible adjunct therapist to temporary increase/shift support. The main thing is getting myself to a stable enough place where I'm not having to be in constant contact with T (texting, etc.) in order to feel like I'm staying safe. It was going well for a while with just sort of, "Is the connection still good?" sort of texts, but it seems like crisis after crisis lately. I'm actually barring myself from texting these next couple of days until my session, because being so needy is a trigger in and of itself. I wouldn't mind doing a skills-based group either, since that is not one of current T's strong points, but am pretty anxious about social stuff. So, I'm hoping they will email back with some ideas.

Thanks again, everyone.

(((Jane))) (((STRM)))

Yaku,

Yaku....





I'm sorry things are so intense right now for you and that you feel that getting anything extra from T is actually triggering. But I do understand how that feels.

I know you are trying to get a job and I wonder if working will actually help you stay grounded during the in between session times. I don't have parts per se, like you do, but I have a very vocal and powerful inner kid who causes me all kinds of problems. I work full time and do therapy during lunch hours. I do find it difficult at times (exhausing mostly) to see T at lunchtime but I think it also forces me to stay grounded and present when I leave T. It's a necessary distraction to get things under control until I can return to see T for the next session. It also gives me a sense of control and accomplishment over something. Getting a task done and off my desk which required a lot of focus on the task and not on my raging emotions, seems to calm me in a way.

I'm not sure if you feel stable and steady enough to commit to working but for me, I think it helps.

I hope you find that adjunct T because it will both take the pressure off accepting "extra" from your current T and also allow that creative part of you to heal and flourish.

Extra hugs
TN

((((TN)))) Thanks so much.

I got an email back from the counseling center down the street. The director recommended one woman for art therapy or another for EMDR as adjunct.

The first woman's website shows her working primarily with elderly populations. She has an MS in counseling and a BFA in painting/drawing. She is a licensed MFT, but not an ATR.

The second woman is younger and looks like she has slightly more experience with trauma, though it's not on her list of focuses. She has a Masters in Counseling Psychology, emphasis in Marriage Family Counseling, licensed MFT and EMDR levels 1 and 2, with additional certifications for specific groups that do not apply to me. When I browsed her "resources" page, though, she had one in there going to an APA thing on repressed memories that makes me wonder whether she won't believe my stuff, which I already struggle with all the time on my own.

So, I should probably follow up with them by calling and asking questions, seeing which is the better fit...and ask T his opinion too.

What sort of questions should I ask when interviewing an adjunct T. You guys know more about my therapy experience than almost anyone. What sort of things would you be concerned about or ask if you were in my position. Ugh, just looking at photos and imagining myself trying to talk to a woman has my anxiety level off the charts.

I don't know what advice to give you, yaku, but I just want to say I think you're really brave for looking into this!

Want to hear something REALLY eerie, you guys?

So, I'm telling T about these two potential adjunct Ts and he's making other suggestions, like a lay person just to meet with as sort of a sponsor. He's having trouble thinking of people on this side of the bay and then says, "Oh, I bet I could contact Jessy Padalowski." (fake name) She's in your area and I went to school with her and she might have some recommendations. So, the clinical director of the counseling center down the street, the one who answered my email and recommended two people, IS T's old classmate, good friends of his for years and years and years. So, he is going to call (without using my name) and discuss the general situation with her and see what the recommendation is. I worried aloud about insurance canceling our single case agreement if I worked with another therapist and he said if he calls them and suggests/requests it, that would probably solve that problem. Also, I found out (did not know) that he is also certified in EMDR (level one and two), but he hasn't used it in years. Feels like I'm learning more about T all the time.

Anyway, I just thought it was such a trip that the center I just happened to call, because they are close, take my insurance and had a lot of different modalities is RUN by a dear friend/old colleague of my T. Makes the whole thing feel safer.

Also, something that was really good, is that he is very encouraging and supportive of me getting more help temporarily and thinks it was a really good idea on my part to do so.

Other stuff in the session was really, really hard (not related to T, just got super-triggered), but it was such a relief to have him so on board and a part of the process of me getting more help for myself. It's really daunting, so the amount of support and encouragement he gave made me feel less scared/alone in it.

Sounds really GREAT. It helps so much to know that your T and the T know each other - it is like having a special personal endorsement. I get how this would feel safe...

Hi Yaku... I'm glad to hear that you have found some potential adjunct T's and that your own T is being so helpful and supportive about this. It DOES make it feel easier to accept the others as good choices if your T is connected to them in some way. I think he 's right in that this is good for you to do. You are taking care of yourself, asking for what you need and then going out and getting it. All good things. I like also that he will be proactive with your insurance company. This will take a worry off your mind and you can focus on more important things.

I hope when you chose someone they will be helpful to you in those in between times when you are not seeing your T.

Keep us posted.
TN

Yaku, this sounds so positive. I hope it keeps moving in the direction you want and need.

(((Everyone)))

Told H today and he mad the (completely valid) point that we can't even afford the treatment I'm in now, even with T's generosity. So, although it wasn't his intention, I heard that I am once again "too much," my needs are excessive, I am lying or exaggerating or otherwise just too broken. We can't afford it. It's true. So, I'm not allowed to need it. I know that H wasn't intending anything but to be practical. Now I am stuck in hopeless, because the only way I feel I can safely heal without going over the deep end is just too much...it always was. I was too much back then, which is why my parents couldn't take care of me and those accumulated, dissociated needs are too much now, so back in the box they go?

Oh, Yaku. You will find a way!

(((Alpaca)))

Thanks, cleaned my kitchen and did some other chores to earn my right to exist. Now...back to feeling I need nothing at all from nobody. I don't even need to be in therapy. All that pain was made up. I know this will pass too, but enjoying the numb for a little bit. Better than the freaking out.

((((YAKU)))))



Liese

yaku, I'm really sorry. I hope you can make it work if it is what you need.

I know some people mentioned this already but if you're unable to get therapy there are free things like groups - even art groups or clubs and stuff that do things together. they don't necessarily offer trauma processing or the kind of access, care, attunement (clinical skills stuff!), but it can let the pressure off. I'm part of a club that does something I really really enjoy which has basically been my replacement for group therapy - I get the same things out of it even though I'm not talking trauma. Maybe... you could try a group or something like that tentatively? If it's really not affordable now and then if something free can't work out to meet your needs you then I think might feel more okay with making the financial arrangements to get the level of clinical care you need? Maybe a church or woman's group or book club that gets together on another night where it is separate from your family or people you already know so you can feel safer in exploring yourself in the meantime until you figure out what to do? I'm not saying you don't need or shouldn't need additional clinical care just thinking of something you can do while you work out the logistics both externally/internally/financially etc. I didn't think a community group would help me and they did immensely. I think I see my Ts a little less than you do at the moment... I have 2 50min appointments per week and I used to have about 7hrs (2/3 appointments per week plus hours of groups) and when I lost that it was super hard - I've thought of going back many times and tried this community thing first and it worked well - and it is virtually free. I really really really support adjunct therapists where possible I've had a wonderful experience and hope that you can work it out and also get a little of what you need now in the meanwhile.

thinking of you.

(((Liese))) (((Cat)))

Cat - Yeah, I am actually looking into groups as an option. I have band practice Thursday nights. Due to T's availability (M-W) and H's need that I not be gone more than two nights a week, my therapy sessions only have about 38 hours in between them. So, what I really feel I'm missing right now is not quantity of time, but frequency and/or spread-outed-ness. The idea is to get someone in place and utilize that to reduce at least outside contact with my T, eliminate need for Skype sessions when I'm not doing well, and eventually even ratchet down the length of my sessions. Also, to try a different mode of working would be nice. Anyway, I basically have just a few hours a week (since nights are out) when Boo is in preschool to work with without wanting to beat myself up for having to ALSO ask for more babysitting help, so no luck yet finding any sort of group to fit that, but I'll keep trying. T was recommending just checking around and finding a church program or a person to schedule time with. The big thing is that it be pre-scheduled. If I have to reach out when I'm in a bad state, it is all sorts of triggering. But, I definitely am willing for it to not be trauma-processing or anything like that. At the same time, I wouldn't want it to be someone I felt I needed to be in hiding from either, someone or a group that I could be honest with (not details, but just to be able to say, "today sucks!") and not feel obliged to put on a fake smile for. Anyway, now the matter is to keep motivated when I feel like I don't need anything at all, because I know it's only a matter of time or a single, perfectly placed trigger before I'm back to feeling I can barely take care of myself or some other such thing. I also like your idea from your other thread about having a list of things to do when I go crazy and get unsafe from affect intolerance or whatever. So, I'm going to make one soon...well, as soon as I'm done procrastinating about it.

quote:

cleaned my kitchen and did some other chores to earn my right to exist

I know this feeling, that you said.

Yaku, I'm sorry about the finances aspect of getting Adjunct Therapy. It was looking so positive and then your heart sank.

just saw this thread, Yaku and wanted to say that I am thinking of you and hoping that things work out. I think I have always tried to see therapy as a good investment and found a way to borrow if necessary to get through it. In the future when you are working more, you can easily pay back the money you might need to pay for therapy art therapy etc now.

Sending more