all of what you mentioned is downright wrong and unfair and cruel in terms of treatment of a patient or any human being for that matter.

how can you recognize that their treatment of you is not your fault and move forward?

i dont know the answer to that. im just throwing it out as something to ponder.

Thanks Da Rock.

I thought so too, but my therapist is sticking up for other psychiatrists....says I'm blaming others and not taking responsibility. I feel like quitting therapy. She wasn't there and obviously sees a side of psychiatry I don't have experience with.

IHTS

I think the first step in letting it go is to realize that it was about them and not truly a reflection of you. Odds are that if they abused you, they probably have abused countless others as well. You are not alone in this and should not have to carry this burden on your shoulders alone.

Thanks LadyGrey,

I didn't have trouble with every psychiatrist I met, but with quite a few. The trauma psychiatrist whose program saved my life said I am the worst case of mental health system iatrogenics she knows of.

But my current shrink gets her back up when I talk about my experiences. Its like she feels I'm attacking her, but I actually like her...when she isn't mad at me.

I think you're right....It was about them, but I don't know how to lessen the memories now or the pain.
I'm trying to write my experiences and find some middle ground to talk from, rather than making my work an attack against psychiatry. Terrible things did happen though. I guess I want to discuss what happened from my viewpoint then, and from the place i"m at now where I have many thoughts about all of it. It seems to be triggering her a lot ...as well as me.

Hi Itshardtosay,

Regardless of who you were in the past and the role you played, what I hear now is someone who is really trying to change and trying to understand himself or herself. And, for all of that, I personally have to give you a high five.

I like the way you are trying to write about it and see how you can find some middle ground. I think that is terrific.

I have done a little bit of reading and have found that the people who do best in life have developed a lot of positive emotions. That's the bouncy, happy, easy baby who comes into the world to a family who adores them. And the positive feelings grow and get reinforced and grow some more and get reinforced some more and the end product is someone with high self esteem who functions really well in the world. But for the rest of us, who have had many negative experiences, developing positive emotions can be a huge task. It sounds to me as though you are really doing the hard work. You should give yourself a lot of credit!!! And so should your T.

HUGS,

Liese

Thanks everyone for your responses.

It is actually hard to find people who can relate about this so thank you very much for taking the time to post a reply.

Things are not going that well with my current therapist. She got ticked off with me again today, and what she said in her irritated tone when I asked her about it was .....

"I was sitting here thinking, What do you want from me?....you are always going on about how bad it was and you have all of this emotional buildup, and I just don't know what you want from me?....it feels like you are trying to pull something out of me"

I am ready to quit. She doesn't get it.
What I would like (and i told her at the end of the session) is a response from her, some indication that she understands and is at least a tiny bit empathetic. There is a huge R brain disconnect happening between us ...but I am afraid to leave and have no therapist at all.

Its really important for me at this time to work through all that happened during my hospital years, so I think I'm going to walk away from her and 'her stuff'. gee.

IHTS

Itshardtosay,

Her response sounded so awful. So sorry it was such a bad session. Can you try to find another therapist before you leave her? Did the session end on a bad note? I really sense that you are really working hard to understand yourself. I don't think you should give up.

Liese

Hey,

I meant to say, I don't think you should give up on yourself or therapy, although maybe not necessarily with your current T.

HUGS,

Liese

Hi,

Thanks for your input Liese and everyone else.
I don't have a lot of tolerance for my experience being invalidated. I've been upset for the past few days again. This conflict in therapy has been increasing in frequency and it seems like I never know when or what will set her off.

Today I went in and told her I don't want to do it anymore. I quit.
I told her I appreciated the work we did together over the past 2 years and that she has helped me a lot....but for some reason my past hospital stuff has been repeatedly setting her off. She has been defending psychiatry and that feels so totally invalidating to me...and she wasn't even there when it happened. She ended by apologizing for not knowing how to help me with it. and I left.
Tonight I feel pretty bad, but I have to protect myself and I feel like I did hte right thing.

IHTS

Itshardtosay,

(((((HUGS))))) I don't have a lot of tolerance for my experiences being invalidated also. I think it's interesting that she apologized for not knowing how to help you. That could be the problem right there. Hang in there.

HUGS,

Liese

quote:

This conflict in therapy has been increasing in frequency and it seems like I never know when or what will set her off.

IHTS... you are not supposed to be worrying about this or about her. She is supposed to take care of you and your feelings should be allowed and accepted no matter what they are. I tip toed around my oldT because I instinctively knew that there were certain areas that would set him off or cause him to withdraw from me or become cold towards me and shut down. I spent a lot of energy on his feelings and not enough on mine. He did too. At the end it was all about him. He abandoned me and was quite angry for whatever reason I will never know unless he relents and decides to tell me.

I can only think that he was having some sort of breakdown or weird counter transference that came upon him very suddenly, but whatever ... A T is supposed to be concerned with you and if you need to deal with your hospital years and what happened and she cannot go there with you or validate your feelings and emotions around this topic, then truly you are better off trying to find a T who can hear you.

I know it's hard. Believe me I know how hard it is to lose a long-term T. I am still grieving my loss and still confused and in pain, but my T that I have now is wonderful and I don't have to work so hard. He just gets it and he understands so much of what I feel and think. I am appreciative of what I never had. So perhaps you can take some time and find a T that is more in sync with what you need so you don't have to worry about them and tip toe around their feelings. Just be you.

I wish you the best.
TN

Thanks again DR, LG, JD, L and TN ......

Your comments are all so helpful. This wknd I am grieving and I hear that you know what this is about. I'm glad to hear TN that your new T is much better than the last one.

Me...I want my old T back. The T from way back that I had such a terrrrible time with. I want her caring and nurturing way and the way she used to just easily understand what was going on and how to help me. I know it went askew when boundaries became an issue but that is the kind of T I want to have again.

This wknd I'm also feeling like it is way too scary to ever do therapy with anyone again. I've been rather burned and I don't want it again. I can't afford to have this kind of thing happen again. I've been blaming me quite a bit and it is refreshing to read your posts and be reminded that it is the professionals job to make the sessions not all about themselves. There was so much WEIRD countertransference going on with this last therapist that I couldn't tolerate it anymore...it made me pretty angry and i felt like I was wasting my time looking after her issues! ......and I told her most of what I thought when I quit too.

I hope you are all having a good wknd. It is icy cold here in Ontario.

IHTS

((((((Itshardtosay)))))

Sorry things are so rotten. You have to take care of yourself, first and foremost.

((((((HUGS))))))

Liese