Thanks for your response, deepfried. This was the first homework he's given me, so I am not sure what his style normally is in terms of follow-up. You say that your T rarely asks about homework. Did she tell you upfront that it was going to be that way? Did it just happen that way and you were OK with it?

Previous sessions have felt very meandering, like he'll start by asking me a question and then we'll just see where it takes us. This one felt different from the very start, and I don't think it was because of me. It seemed like he had an agenda, and like maybe he was hiding behind it. He seems pretty sure that I am depressed. While I concede that it is a possibility, I feel like I am just being rational.

I don't know what his limits are in terms of email/voicemail. In one of our first sessions, he asked me to text him to let him know I was alright over the weekend, but that has been the only mention of contact. I realize that I feel very uneasy not knowing the rules, and so I need to ask him about that as well. I dread breaking an unknown rule (even though I am happy to break known rules).

I would love to hear stories of a time when one of you said something critical of your T and how your T reacted. For me part of the problem is that by telling my T that he has done something that upset me, I worry that I have given him instructions on how he can hurt me in the future and that I can't protect myself.

Hi Bee!

Welcome. I love how we were all lurkers before we started posting. I admit that was me too. But, you will find once you start posting you can't stop.

Bee, I've experienced some intense moments with my T. I have told her that I was mad at her. She told me that was good. I told her that I was crazy about her, and she reacted the same. I kept trying to get a rise out of her, or test her and she remains--cool as a cucumber. The only time she really was mad at me was when I started calling her all the time because I wanted to just check in...she was a little crabby on that phone call telling me to use my skills. I hated her at that moment.

Being borderline I bounce between LOVE and HATE. LOVE LOVE LOVE one moment, and then it's BAD therapist!

Therapy is the most confusing relationship I have ever had in my life. I'm completely uneasy not knowing my T's rules for communication. For a while there, she wanted me to reach out. Then it was too much. NOW, I find myself holding back and not reaching out at all.

I hope your session goes well tomorrow. You might just want to bring up the letter in conversation and see how it goes. No pressure.

Good luck!

Broken

aaaghgh, BI - so perfectly said - I don't need to type another word - NannaBee - ditto from me - exactly what broken said.

Love / Hate, Black / white, Yes / no, Good / Bad. And what is exactly wrong with going between one extreme to another in a split second? I ask you!


NannaBee - I got really angry with my youngT (from whom we parted company 2 weeks ago) quite a few times. She handled it and was cool. YoungT was always cool, but looking back now I reckon she struggled each and every session with me - she had her hands full. I have sent angry emails to her, I have rung her to tell her I was angry with her and why, I told her to her face many times. But when we terminated I would have died for her.

As I have written elsewhere, I thought she would be there for me for years - but she wasn't and there were so many unsaid things. I got a chance to tell her how much I thought of her and us, but now it is all over.

I have learnt not to dwell too much on things like this - with my newT I am going to tell her things sooner, write them, email them or text them - so that I don't dwell on things - when I dwell - I get back stuff happening in my head, I feel bad emotions and I do bad things. I am trying to reduce all that for me.

your example has happened to me me many times with various T's over the years. Shits me off no end. If they are bothered to give you homework, then they can remember to follow up on it. I would tell your T that you are annoyed that he has forgotten. If you can't say it out loud, write down what you want to say and either give him the paper or read it out. I have to do this because I get to a session and I zone out and can't remember anything.

Please bring it up with him - it is something that is affecting the success of your therapy experience and he needs to know.

Good luck, let us know how it went.

Hi,

First of all welcome to the boards. I read here everyday but rarely respond. (Yeah it's an issue I should talk about in Therapy)

I think you need to consider the lack of followup on past "homework" from a different perspective.

Your T can't read your mind and although they are good at reading body language it only gives them so much.

Your T doesn't know if you wrote the letter or not, if you tried and it was so overwhelming and hard that it made you feel like a mess and you are not talking about it because you can't yet. Maybe something else came up and you need to talk about that more, Or maybe you wrote the letter, and are very happy about it and don't need to talk about it.

My therapist has a very clear way of operating, unless there is something that he feels is really really important from the previous session,(i.e. it is causing my emotional danger,or damage) I am totally in charge of what we talk about. I bring up the first topic and we let it flow, he questions, comments and makes points and connections for me, but otherwise it is my therapy.

Remember that most of us come from a background where someone over ran us, took power from us and made us feel like we weren't "good" enough in one way or another. By your T making you be in control of the session, he is exercising a corrective part of the relationship. You are big enough, strong enough, smart enough to be in total control of what happens and what you need to talk about. He is showing you that you can be trusted and that he can be trusted to. He isn't going to overrun your therapy with his perception of the issues and his suggestions of corrective issues. He trusts you to do what is best for you and just follow. It might take you longer to get to the end point, But it will be a better journey, fuller and more repairative then if they directed you.

I hope this make sense,

Hugs

CNC

((SD))

I feel like you and I are on the same page like ALL the time! LOL!

Yes, bouncing between extremes is what makes me SO awesome! LOL! Any other way would mean that I was just flat, boring. Nah, I don't want that... (trying to put a positive spin on the BPD).

I read something recently about having what the author described as a "bitch" button. OHH, let me tell you. I've got one of those...and it's quite easy to turn it on. LOL! But, I'm learning how to manage it now.

Black & White have always been my favorite colors...so, BPD suits me well. LOL! I'm impulsive, moody, and attach myself to people like a leech sometimes. I suck the life out of them to survive. I admit, this is me--and I admit that I am working on it.

Time to embrace who I am! It's taken 30 years to do that!

BEE, I am thinking about you today...hoping that session goes well. Let us know how things go. AND CNC, awesome post. I agree with that last paragraph. It was well put!

Well, it looks like my daring streak continues!

I was feeling really nervous when I got to my session today, and almost didn’t go through with my plans, but I made myself start talking. I told my T that I wanted to try something different today. I wanted him to answer my questions, if he felt OK doing so.

I asked him if he thought he was a good therapist. I asked how he had felt about last Tuesday’s session. I asked a bunch of questions about his boundaries. I asked whether he had ever taken drugs. I asked if he regretted not becoming a priest. And he answered everything! I had told myself that it would be fine if he didn’t feel comfortable answering something, but I was so relieved that it didn’t come to that. I was also really happy that he said that he had felt disconnected last Tuesday, and that he felt that he was trying too hard. He asked me if there anything he had done that had made things worse. I didn’t feel comfortable bringing the letter up right then, so I told him I wanted to talk about it later.

I then told him I had a list of things I thought he should know about me (if he didn’t already), and I asked him not to say anything until I was done. Some things I told him: that my entire self-worth comes from my intelligence, so any intimation that my way of thinking is flawed is going to make me bristle big-time; that I need him to let silences go on for what seems like an uncomfortable amount of time; that I was going to lie to him; that I need praise, but only if it is true; that need him to be clever because I am going to try to out-smart him.

We talked a bit about what I had said, and then I asked him to be quiet again and I got out my list of “Things I am Scared to Say to You.” I read to him what I could from the list, and then I handed it to him and asked him to read the rest because I couldn’t say them myself. I couldn’t look at him as he read it, so I looked all over the room, and sneaked quick looks at him. He started tearing up as he was reading it and I felt horrible.

One of the items on the list was how I felt about him forgetting the letter. And the funny thing is that I was pretty much over it by that point. I felt kind-of embarrassed for making a big deal out of it. But he told me how happy he was that I was able to tell him that, and how sorry he was for forgetting about it.

We talked a lot more about one of the other things I wrote, that he becomes a monster in my mind between sessions, saying all sorts of horrible things to me. We tried to come up ways that I could reassure myself between sessions that he wasn’t really a monster.

I am so happy that I was able to tell him this stuff, even if I felt like puking the whole time. Thanks to all of you for your replies- you have really given me a lot to think about (and I don't mean that in an empty way). Realizing where my own actions are contributing to the problem is always hard, and having other people's perspectives on it helps a lot.

((Bee))

OMG! You rocked that session, love! I am so proud of you! Wow! Talk about brave and strong. I am actually going to take a page from your book and try it on my T. I want to ask her questions...and I think it's time I did so.

Also, I am going to write some things down to hand to her. I've been wanting to express myself for some time, so that might be the way to go about it.

Your T sounds genuine, too. I am glad that he was so receptive. It seems to me that this session might have been a ground breaking one for the both of you. It's those sessions that are the ones that make us feel like we are going to puke that are the ones that form a closer bond with T.

Awesome job, Bee!

Thank you for your kind words, Broken. They make me feel really good about myself. Part of me still can't believe that I put myself out there like that, but another part is like "F**k yeah you did!"

I hope that you do ask your T the questions you want to ask her. Some of my T's answers weren't what I was expecting at all and were really interesting to think about.

Writing down the really scary things and having him read it worked really well. It is odd how much easier it is to communicate in writing than to say something out loud. Even though there is a paper trail, it feels much safer.

quote:

I read something recently about having what the author described as a "bitch" button. OHH, let me tell you. I've got one of those...and it's quite easy to turn it on.

I'm pretty sure I have one of those as well

When I was hospitalized in college, they diagnosed me with BPD. I remember reading a book about it called something like "I hate you...don't leave me!" and recognizing myself in so many of the behaviors. I am not so sure how well it fits me now, though. My life was so much more tumultuous then.

I just picked up the book you
mentioned. Funny, the title pretty much sums up the beginning of many of my past relationships before DH. We even had a little bit of that in the beginning. I fit the bill on BPD when I read it all-- and by exploring my fears and misunderstandings with everyone here, I've learned to accept it-- embrace it. The support here is amazing, and I'm glad you posted.

You totally rocked it, for sure! F--k yeah you did!

I'm gonna try the writing thing next week with T!

Holy shit Batman Bee - You were absolutely amazing. You are an inspiration to me!!!! I think I will print off your post to give me some ideas on how to tackle the hard stuff with my T.

Writing stuff down is brilliant - it really gets it out of your head.


Broken - you are such a lovable dag (is dag just an Aussie word??). Yes - you and I seem to be very similar - we have parallel lives it seems. You made me belly laugh out loud. Yay.

And what is wrong with Black/white good/bad yes/no love/hate - I ask you. For ppl like us - it works perfectly well, why bother spending so much time dithering in those uncomfortable in-between stages of shades of grey???? Just let rip I say - one extreme or the other. If I like someone heaps - I like them for LIFE. Literally for LIFE. Unless they betray me and then I HATE them for LIFE. Easy.

At the moment I have an interesting array of books out of my local library - Psychology, BPD, Mindfulness, Depression, ADHD (my kids), Autism (my kids), self harm, childhood trauma. I am a bit embarrassed to take them out.

I am feeling more at ease with BPD.

((Somedays))

I'm cracking up-- never heard the word dag so I look it up out of curiosity. First definition that comes up-- poo that's still stuck to a dog's ass! Wow, I think-- I've totally been called worse. Lol! I figured since you said I was a lovable dag I should explore a little further. Aha! Got it, my Aussie friend. And, I totally appreciate the sentiment! LOL!

I'm totally glad that I can make you laugh! You deserve a good one after what you've been through in recent weeks.

I seem to have the knack for making people laugh-- T rolls sometimes when I talk-- and I absolutely love to hear her laugh! It's a good time.

--Broken

Woops sorry - I forgot what the original meaning of "dag". It is actually the poo stuck to a sheep's bum. But when we use it - we usually say it to friends - to say ' you are such a dag' - but using it in a nice way.

On the conflict thread, I just explained Morgs' use of ONYA - meaning Good on you.

I need to watch my mouth!!! and be careful with our Aussie slang. I often say to friends 'you are such a doodle". That has an entirely take on it - so I usually reserve saying that to close Aussie friends!

It was nice to laugh today. I heard this noise coming from me and thought WOW - I was really laughing.

I used to make YoungT laugh - and she said that it will be one of the things she will miss most about me. My friends think I am really funny - I never realised it.

SD-- no worries! We've got our own slang here in the States that could probably be taken a variety of different ways! When I think of you SD, I'm totally think about my favorite actress- Toni Collette!
I love her! Love that accent and those cute slang words, so don't ever censor yourself. I'm pretty good at doing my research and figuring it out!
Now I'm gonna use Dag all the time. Love it!

I'm totally thankful you are here! You've made me have a better outlook on things more than I can say!

Have a great day! Now I'm off to work with a bunch of dags-- in the original sense(poop matted on a Sherpa butt) And no, I'm not a farmer!

Awesome story Nannabee! You rock!

quote:

my mom couldn’t deal with me having any problems.

Sorry I can't respond with anything, but I wish you all the best. I am Mayo, by the way. Your quote touched a truth in me.