The session was set in a typical hospital room but it was very bright. I remember feeling that the room was very white and sterile, yet warmed by her presence.
I sat casually on the bed, on top of the covers, with my leg dangling lazily over the side. She stood at the end of it, dressed in white with the sun shining through the blinds and illuminating her. As we talked, she walked across the room to answer her cell phone. After spending several minutes on the call, she became visibly more upset. When she came back to the bed, she apologized, said it was an emergency and that she had to go. She told me Dr. Zumbonie, her supervisor, would come and finish the session with me.
As she was crying I took her hand into mine and slowly reached up to softly whisk away the tear from her cheek. Our eyes met and lingered there as I whispered “I’m sorry”. She let another tear roll down and breathed out “thank you”.
As we waited for Dr. Zumbonie, the next patient, a man, came in and sat on the other side of the bed next to me. She explained to him that she was leaving soon.
As Dr. Z came down the hall, I reached for her hands once again. Holding both her hands in mine, I brought them to my lips and tenderly kissed them. I held on to her as she walked around the bed, toward the door, her arms stretched out still clinging to mine. As I let go, the new guy patient, takes her hand, pulls her into a lean toward him and kisses her cheek. She momentarily looked flustered, as if it was a common gesture, but one she did not want her supervisor or me to know about. I remember wishing I had thought to kiss her on the cheek, but that I probably would not have been allowed because I was not a guy.
Then Dr. Z sat down with me and begun to talk very very slowly.
The end. (I told you they are vivid dreams
)I am also a daydreamer. Although, I have not done much daydreaming lately, after that dream, I was sitting in a coffee shop later and had a fantasy daydream of kissing her. In the daydream, I was convinced the kisses were therapeutic because they were not erotic, but clean, gentle, affectionate. Not romantic. I imagined that when we kissed, she could read parts of my thoughts and that we had discovered a new way of sharing.
I guess the daydream was my mind’s response to the night dream in wishing I could have kissed her.
