Yaksy you have really come a long way. I am s very sorry that your Dad was so foolish to refuse a visit with you and Boo but perhaps it's better for you not to have to deal with all the triggers that come up. Some people are not intelligent enough to realize who fortunate they are to have children/grandchildren who are wonderful. It's really HIS loss.

I am happy you were able to keep the lights on in session and talk openly with your T. You have made wonderful progress with him and I hope it continues.

Thank you for sharing the session with us. I hope it helped you to write it out.

Hugs
TN

Thanks, TN. I think I overshared and spooked myself, but I so appreciate your response. I am moving slowly forward with T and that is a real gift. Thanks for responding and encouraging me.

((yaku)) sounds like a really wonderful session back. You do sound like you are making much progress! I bet your T is so proud of you. I didn't read what you deleted but can imagine it was a difficult situation/trigger, whatever it was. I'm glad it sounds like you had a good, connecting session with your T.

hi yaku

I'm new here. Just wanted to say that your relationship with your T sounds really kind and friendly

Hope the painful bit eases up for you really soon.

SB

(((yaku))) I'm so sorry you had some triggering family stuff during break, and sorry posting felt spooky. I know I've had so many deletion spells that I've lost count, it is hard

I hope T can gently work you through the pain that family brought up, and I wanted to let you know I'm so proud of you for making it through the break. You've done an awesome job and it's so encouraging that you feel attachment and progress and connection. I'm so glad you shared.

Take care of you, sending supportive hugs

(((erica))) I dunno if my T is proud of me, but he did comment when we chatted on the phone Monday that he sees a lot of progress, even if I feel like I'm regressing. He said I'm in a normal growth pattern of forward, then back a bit. I had my worship leader (who has known me since I was 18) tell me by text today, after I reached out for prayer, that he has seen amazing growth in me in the last couple of years in terms of both my faith and my ability to let other people in and trust, so even if I don't always think it is a big change, other people really see the difference, and that's good to know that this work (which is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life) means something. Ironically, this friend/worship leader is T's age (older by a few months) and they both have ADD. Otherwise, their (cultural, upbringing) backgrounds and personalities are completely different.

(((s-b))) Welcome and thanks for replying on my thread. My T and I have a good relationship I think. It still weird me out to say that, because it's that weird kind of professional, kind of personal sort of relationship and there's really no defining it. But, him being so human and...just himself...while still keeping things safe and about my best interests, has really made a difference in my being able to trust him.

(((AH))) Yeah, the posting thing is mostly like...I've spent my whole life with this stuff not mattering and so now that it suddenly is affecting me on a conscious level, it just feels so pathetic and humiliating and confusing. T definitely helps me work through these things from the showing me his care to counter the thrown away feelings. But, then we get to that horrible mourning place where I have to realize I'm never going to get what I needed then. It's gone. And that kind of sucks.


So, I blew it this morning and overreacted to having to draw a boundary and give a consequence to Boo. She was supposed to come with me somewhere she wanted to go and I wanted to bring her, but she didn't finish getting ready and doing a quick pickup of her room like I asked before the deadline I gave. H correctly called me on not giving a million chances, which sets him up as the "bad one," because he is very firm with her. Probably we both need to meet more in the middle, there. Anyway, because of what happened with family, I got triggered by her upset like I was abandoning her by not bringing her along. I didn't react well, and although I didn't do anything truly awful, I can't stop feeling humiliated about it, because I knew it was coming, had even reached out for (vague) prayer (thus, talking to my worship leader), but I couldn't stop this reaction from happening inside and making me so upset that I acted out (mostly on myself, though I did snap at others). I know no one but me is holding it against me, but I'm feeling like a total failure right now, because even when I see it coming 10 miles away, I can't stop it.

Thanks to everyone who is reading and supporting. And, again, I am sorry that I am so crap at that lately.

(((yaku))) I'm sorry this was so triggering and difficult I don't have any kids, but I'm positive if I did there would be a million times a day that interactions would take me straight back to my childhood and kick up all sorts of triggers. I really have so much respect and awe for all the hard work you put into raising your little one, and it sounds from what I've read of your posts that you're doing such a great job!!

It does hurt to feel a trigger coming and still experience the effects of it despite knowing it's coming. I don't have many words of wisdom there except that I hope you can know it does not make you a failure. Not at all, it's just a frustrating part of the healing process.

Sometimes when I'm really beating myself up over 'not being able to stop it' I try to think in terms of if someone threw dust in my face, I'd not blame myself too much for sneezing. Maybe it's similar with things that trigger us... just our body's reaction in a 'dusty' environment, not a weakness or failure. Hoping that makes sense?? I'm one who has to picture things to make sense of them, I don't know if it's helpful.

But just sending hugs and hope you are feeling a little better about it all