Hi Side Control... welcome and glad you decided to join in here.

As for contact in between sessions. Well, I met my T through my son who was seeing him and one day I just decided to email him an update on my son's progress with some things we were working on. I got his email from his website. I told him I thought it would be less intrusive than a phone call. And so that's how it started. Very soon after he also became MY T and he told me I could email him when I needed something. At first my emails were sparse and short and for appointment changes but one day after a session where I felt very vulnerable I emailed him because I was feeling very exposed and scared. He emailed me back a few very comforting words. And so it began. He has told me it's okay to email and when I told him it made me feel like I was being too needy he reassured me that I was not needy and I did not abuse the email privelege.

I would guess I email him 3-4 times a month. He has also emailed me unsolicited for appointment changes. I definitely email him more than I call him. I still struggle with being "allowed" to have phone calls in between sessions. He has voice mail so I usually just leave a message if I do call.

I think it's very common and perfectly understandable to want contact and connection in between sessions. The reason we struggle with it is because we are not used to asking for what we need and in getting our needs met. We feel we don't deserve it or that we are asking too much or we are bothering our T and they will be annoyed with us and then want to get rid of us. All of which is untrue.

I think this is something you should bring up in session. Tell your T that there are times you feel you need a connection to her in between sessions and is it okay to call or email for that. There are times I just really email to say "are we okay?" or "are you still there?" and he will respond and I will feel hugely better and relieved.

So talk about it. You will feel so much better having it out there in the open. If it terrifies you to ask just put it in an email or write it down and read it to her when you get there. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

TN

Hi Side Control
Glad you joined us, and believe me, your reason for joining is the exact same reason I joined and probably the same for many others. Finding out that you are "normal" for having transference for your T is an amazing and very freeing feeling.

About the phone calls, after 2+ years I still struggle with this. I am getting better and recently told her that I feel like I am bothering her. She said to look at it as making a connection. She always calls me back when I ask her to as she knows how hard it is for me to call. Sometimes I just leave her a message because I want to let her know something, or get something out of my brain, or just give her an FYI so maybe she will bring it up at the next session.

Since this is my first experience with therapy, I had no idea that you could call your T between sessions. One time, well into therapy, something bad happened over the weekend and when I told her about it at my next session she said, "Why didn't you call me?" What????? I can call you!!!!!!!!! I had no idea!!! Well, that was the start for me, but as I said, it is still difficult and so I really don't abuse it.

I have also written my feelings and mailed them to her before my next session. She doesn't do email. This has been really helpful because it is easier for me to write things than say them. The problem is though, we eventually talk about them. One time there was a holiday and she didn't get my letter. When I realized that she had not seen what I wrote, I got so flustered. She asked me to tell her what was in the letter. OMG that was hard! I think actually though, that was when I realized that I really could talk about anything to her. That is not to say it is easy by any means, but I have been able to say so much more to her.

You really should ask your T how she feels about contact between sessions. They all have different boundaries. Some only want you to call or only return calls at specific times. Some don't care when. It is all a matter of their preference. But if you know her policy, you will feel much more relieved. And remember if she is not open to contact between sessions, don't take it personally. It is just her policy.

Having this conversation with her though, will really help her to get to know your needs so that she can be present for you. All that you are feeling about this is something that we all feel or have felt at some time. Just trust your T to be able to handle it.
PL

hi welcome! Its ok to contact your therapist between sessions. I think that the easier it is to contact my therapist the more I do it. She decided to analyse it which annoyed me.

My T has now limited the ways how i can contact her which is really frustrating but it works out ok.

I contact her by phone a lot and it is harder it helps but not as much as seeing her. I dont get why..

Thanks for the warm welcome and input everyone… Much appreciated… Everybody’s given me a lot to think about…

True North - What you said about:

“I think it's very common and perfectly understandable to want contact and connection in between sessions. The reason we struggle with it is because we are not used to asking for what we need and in getting our needs met. We feel we don't deserve it or that we are asking too much or we are bothering our T and they will be annoyed with us and then want to get rid of us. All of which is untrue.”

Really got me thinking… It probably does have a lot to do with how I struggle to ask to get my needs met I think because I worry that my needs are self-absorbed, selfish, or overly burdensome…


Hummingbird – your story made me giggle… Thanks for that… It kind of reminds me of this habit I had when I was a kid where I would always say “Can I ask you two questions? Okay that was the first one” because the question “Can I ask a question?” was always hilarious to me… Same with “May I speak?”


Puppy lover – It’s true about then you have to talk about it… One time in between sessions I wrote some thoughts down on a piece of paper (my T had actually asked me to do that) and brought them into the appointment with her, but then refused to share it ‘cause I knew that there would be an expectation that we would talk about it after…
Also, that’s for the comment “And remember if she is not open to contact between sessions, don't take it personally. It is just her policy.” ‘cause my biggest worry is that she’ll say no or that she’d rather I save it for the appointment… but really I guess that wouldn’t be the end of the world…

Emerald- Yeah, I can see how it would be super annoying to have contact overly analysed… I get annoyed by that stuff too sometimes…

Thanks everyone!

Hi Side Control,
Just wanted to say welcome to the forums, I'm glad to decided to post and introduce yourself. And I'm sure it came through loud and clear from everyone else, but its really normal to want that contact in between.

In my case, my T told me it was ok to call or email. And told me and told me and told me. I have a very hard time calling in between sessions and my T has really hit that hard with me and told me its important that I do contact him between sessions, that its an important part of my therapy. It's all about what TN talked about, being able to make my needs known and having them responded to.

My Ts contact policy in incredibly generous, I can call him at any time, on any day, including email on his vacations (as long as he's in contact; there's only been one vacation when he wasn't). And he knows how hard I struggle to contact him so he tells me at the end of every phone call, email and session that I should call him again if I need to. Gosh, and I wonder why I'm having a problem with transference?

I usually get in touch at least once between sessions and have been known to go as high as three times.

No matter what your Ts policy (and it does vary alot from T to T almost more than any other policy that I've seen) its really good to talk about you wanting to contact her. The boundaries, and our reactions to them, are always good to discuss.

AG

My T has encouraged me to call her and at first it helped but now it takes her so long to return my calls that I've just stopped doing it. It just sucks wondering for 8 hours if/when she is going to call me back. Plus I get much more nervous talking to her on the phone than I do in person so I don't always feel any better after we hang up. I sent her a few emails in the past but the last time our wires got so crossed about something I sent her and it took so long for me to work it all out that I don't think it is a good idea to do that anymore either.

I also really don't know how to depend on anyone really - especially not for emotional support. I can never decide when I should call, what I should say, if it is an emergency or not....etc, etc, etc. It is not that I don't want to depend on T for help but it is so stressful so I don't know how much it actually helps. I really need an in depth instruction manual.

River,
Having to wait 8 hours would be crazy making. My T gets back within one hour when I leave an "emergency" message, and that can feel like centuries! So I can understand why not calling sometimes feels like it makes more sense.

BUT (and you knew I would say this) it may be important for you to do it to learn how to depend on someone else. To experience that making a need known gets it met. That someone cares enough to respond. I think the more you experience it, the easier it gets (which is good because it's breath-takingly terrifying at first.) Would it be possible to talk to your T about how long she takes to get back to you? In any case, talking to her about you worrying when to call, what to say, what defines an emergency would probably all be good to talk about. (I know, I know, I'm a broken record, "talk to your T, talk to your T" then I struggle with calling. What can I say, it's a lot easier to see the right thing to do when it's not me. )

Being alone is NOT the best you can do.

AG

quote:

i found it easier to talk over the phone that face to face. So i called him and asked him what his policy was around phone calls

HB you're so cute!

Thank you for your response AG. I know I need to talk to my T about this - I need to talk to her about other things about our relationship too but it is the hardest subject for me to talk about.

There are so many times I would love to call to just say hi and know that she is there but these calls hardly constitute emergencies, do they?

quote:

There are so many times I would love to call to just say hi and know that she is there but these calls hardly constitute emergencies, do they?

Actually, River, it does. That's pretty much what most of my "emergency" calls are. I actually talked to my T way back in the day when I was struggling with calling and telling him I'd feel stupid calling and leaving a message I needed to talk to him and when he said hi! I'd say, that's all. He told me that because he knew me and what I was going through, he'd understand. We didn't have someone there, we didn't have someone to respond. We need to experience that.

My T has this great analogy that living in the US and getting hungry is no big deal. When you feel hungry, you can walk over to the fridge or know that dinner's in an hour. But if you live somewhere where there's no food and you're on the edge of starvation, getting hungry is a huge, scary deal because you don't know when and what you will eat, and you know its life and death. That's what reaching out if like for us. We could NEVER be assured that someone would be there, and it was life and death at the time.

Its easy to trivialize it, and reduce it to silly you just wanting to say hi, but in actuality, these are deep primitive needs calling out and needing contact with your attachment figure. Your T gets that and understands what's at stake.

So yeah, I hope it does constitute an emergency or I have been making a complete, total idiot of myself for some time now (not that that would suprise me, mind you!).

quote:

Its easy to trivialize it, and reduce it to silly you just wanting to say hi, but in actuality, these are deep primitive needs calling out and needing contact with your attachment figure. Your T gets that and understands what's at stake

Part of me understands and honors this but the part of me that controls my dialing hand refuses to admit that whatever I am feeling, calling T just isn't really that necessary.

quote:

It's not something i would do every week or anything, maybe just once in awhile... I was curious about how those of you do - how did it come about? Did your T just offer it to begin with? Somehow the idea of asking her this is a little terrifying though...

Hi, Side control. I don't think I've gotten the chance to say "welcome." ..."Welcome!"

Oddly enough, my T called _me_ first. *sproing/sound of worldbreaking* I cancelled an appointment with his answering service 'cause I was in a panic (it's funny _now_ ). I'm like, "I'm all panicky and scared! This is no time to see a T!" *sardonic grin* So, next day or so, he calls me back. He's like, "Sooooo.... I got some muttered reason for why you cancelled. Was it 'cause of ..oh I don't know...being scared?" (that's him, but with less flippancy. I can't do calmcoolcollected well.) I'm like "erm....yes."

So we ....rescheduled, which is quite sensible, and I learned that day that he knows how to use a phone! Same with email - I started getting emails from him telling me when the group was going to start, so I figured "Hm. He also has The Computer."

First time I actually called or emailed _him_, I was all scared and panicky and he didn't answer for 3 days 'cause (which I didn't know) he nips off on Fridays at noon 'cause he works 'til 8pm on Mondays.

/end mindless ramble

quote:

Part of me understands and honors this but the part of me that controls my dialing hand refuses to admit that whatever I am feeling, calling T just isn't really that necessary.

How about this? Give the side of you that honors it five chances. The next five times you want to call, ignore the part that refuses to admit you need to. Then write down what happens. At the end of those five calls, you can decide if it was a good thing to call or not. (I know I'm pushing really hard, and I can lend you the HTML slapper if you want to use it on me. An alternative would be to tell me to shut up.)

I nag because I care.

AG

quote:

I nag because I care.

I know and I love you for it.

(((((((River))))))))

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for the welcomes and input. Since the overwhelming advice was to talk to my T, i planned to do that today at my appointment, and then promptly chickened out... The appointment was going so well, felt good and comfortable, with some fun moments and some deeper ones. And then at the end of it I go so thoroughly and unexplicably sad and pretty much sprinted out of the office. I was a mess my whole way back to work so I sent my T an email- saying how sad i was, and that i thought it would be important to talk about, but i worried i wouldn't have the guts to bring it up in our next appointment (which is friday - i see her twice a week). I also asked her if it was okay that i emailed her like this - and what her policy was. I was a very impulsive move, and i'm glad i did it, but of course now the nerve-wracking an compulsive email checking begins... Luckily i'm off to my hockey game now to distract myself.

Anywho, that's my story...
SC

A few hours later - I figured that the worst case scenario in emailing my T about feeling sad and also asking about her contact policy between sessions was that she just wouldn't reply and we would just talk about it on friday... She replied very quickly in one way which was a relief. Her email was a few sentences about us examining the sadness and then saying "With respect to a policy about emailing between sessions, I don't have one."

I'm just not sure what to make of that...

Sometimes I get sick of the annoying minutiae of interpersonal interaction!

quote:

Sometimes I get sick of the annoying minutiae of interpersonal interaction!

No Kidding! I am not a mind reader any more than I can expect my T to be one. Why does it seem that their answers to things like this are never straight forward. I always feel like my T isn't going to volunteer any more info than is absolutely necessary because she is waiting for me to ask the right question. Sometimes I just want to ask her, "So what AREN'T you telling me?"

quote:

Originally posted by River:
Why does it seem that their answers to things like this are never straight forward. I always feel like my T isn't going to volunteer any more info than is absolutely necessary because she is waiting for me to ask the right question.

I know!!! So familiar...

You're T isn't by chance an older woman from Hungary is she?
Although South Calif is pretty far from canada...

quote:

"With respect to a policy about emailing between sessions, I don't have one."

SC,
I know how frustrating that can get. We had a thread awhile back on this subject I thought you might find helpful.

Does anyone else sabotage themselves?

AG

AG,

Thanks for sharing that thread with me, it was definitely useful...

Cheers,
SC

Sorry haven't been around much. I've been reading but when I'm in a bad place and doing a lot of processing of the past it seems like I lose the capacity to write coherently and so I don't.

I had a really serious trigger yesterday which left me reeling with pain. I was devastated and just about brought to my knees with the reality of my life. Thankfully I had a wonderful friend to support me. Late into the night, not being able to sleep I decided to write my T a short email telling him how I was feeling and it was my way to sort of make some contact with him. He tells me to contact him and not to suffer through things alone. So I took the risk and reached out. It was not a long email but I told him how much pain I was in. He wrote back this morning and I am furious with his response. It was "are you feeling better today?" That's it. No reassurance, no understanding, no empathy...nothing. I mean it was less than 12 hours since I sent the email how much better could I be?? I wrote back immediately to him saying I was not much better and ... no response for the last 5 hours.

I am scheduled for a session which may also get snowed out. Maybe that's good because right now I would like to throw something heavy in his direction.

Sorry, just venting.

TN

TN

Keep venting to us! I can completely understand your anger at your T. Can you leave him a vm? Maybe if he hears the pain and anger in your voice, he will realize how serious this is for you. And if he is not sitting by his computer, he may get a vm sooner.

I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time. And you were right to let us know. We are here for that reassurance, understanding and empathy. I know it was a big risk that you took to reach out to your T. I totally "get" that. When you do have your next session, it is important that you tell him that. He needs to understand how hard it was for you to put yourself out there and that you were not satisfied with his response.

Please keep talking to us and letting us know how you are doing.

(((((((TN)))))))

PL

Thank you PL... it IS so hard to make contact with him. I struggle with this and he knows it and still I get a flip response. I feel like he thinks I'm making a big deal over nothing...which is how I usually feel about what I am going through. My session is supposed to be tomorrow. I could leave a vm but I feel like...why bother he probably won't even check it and then I'd be more upset. And I can't talk to him from home... no one here knows I'm in therapy. That's why I sent an email. I just wish he could clue in to the fact that when I DO contact him it's only because I'm really upset and needing that connection. I remember when I was feeling like this...hurt or upset by something and my mom's response would be to get away from her because I'm a miserable person and she didn't want me near her. I "feel" this coming from him now. And yes at some level I know I'm reacting to old films in my head but that does not negate the hurt of the response or lack thereof.

Thanks for the hugs.

TN

quote:

I remember when I was feeling like this...hurt or upset by something and my mom's response would be to get away from her because I'm a miserable person and she didn't want me near her. I "feel" this coming from him now. And yes at some level I know I'm reacting to old films in my head but that does not negate the hurt of the response or lack thereof.

And TN.. that is why he needs to give you a different response from the one you remember. Having this conversation with him is a great opportunity to begin to heal these feelings.

I hope that the weather does not keep you from your session tomorrow. It sounds like you will have a lot to talk to him about. Be strong - you can do it. And I for one, will be waiting to hear how it goes.

PL

PL... I got another email from my T saying that the weather will probably prevent our session tomorrow It figures that it would happen just when I really need to see him because I'm falling to pieces. We have never had a weather cancelation before. He did offer to talk to me tomorrow but I have to figure out how that will work... especially with everyone home from work/school.

It's just that awful filled up closet and I was stupid enough to open the door and everything fell out on top of me. I'm sitting here trying to claw my way out from under all the junk but I realize that I cannot shut the door again and so I'm stuck. I really had half a mind to call him and cancel anyway because I just feel that it is all so hopeless. That no one could ever fix me or what happened to me and so why bother. No one can make up for what I lost and I just have to accept it but that is proving a bit difficult.

I'll keep you posted.

TN

quote:

That no one could ever fix me or what happened to me and so why bother.

TN
You are right. No one can fix you. And no one can take away whatever horrible things happened to you. But, your T can help you to see that you are not what happened to you. You are an amazing, kind, caring, intelligent, compassionate, woman who is having a really rough time right now. And with his help you can put all your monsters to rest and know that they can not hurt you anymore.

I know that right now it feels like the pain will never go away. But you are dealing with it, and you are strong and you can make it through this. Don't give up on all the hard work you have already done.

I hope that you can find a way to get alone and talk with your T tomorrow. If not, come here. We are all more than willing and ready to hold you up. You are important to all of us here.

It sucks that the closet door is open now, but really, think of how wonderful it will be when all the crap gets cleaned up! Hmmmm...... maybe I should start cleaning one of my yucky closets now. Oh no, not tonight. They are way too stuffed with crap!!!!!!!

PL

PL I the thought of clean orderly closets is what keeps me going. Mostly because I want my young son to have a mother who has her stuff together. I am going to be the one who breaks the cycle but sometimes it's just really hard to keep going. The feelings get overwhelming at times and just sitting there in front of my T and telling him all the awful things about me... well it's getting harder to keep doing that. I fear his judgment, I fear what he thinks of me and how he sees me...as some really damaged, worthless or pathetic person. Because that is how I feel these days.

I do thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I need to email him back with my decision. It may help to have even a brief contact with him because lately he just seems so far away.

TN

quote:

I fear his judgment, I fear what he thinks of me and how he sees me...as some really damaged, worthless or pathetic person.

TN
I really do understand this. I am the last one on earth to tell you not to fear what others think of you. I haven't been able to get over this either. But, I am finding out that every time I think my T is thinking bad things of me, she isn't. It is very hard for me to tell her what I think she should be thinking of me. But she keeps prodding me and when I finally get it out, I realize how ridiculous my thoughts are. I am the one who is judging myself. Not she.

Give yourself a break TN. You are not at all worthless or pathetic, even though I know it feels that way. I wish you well and strength tomorrow. I know you will move past this.

PL

I love your special logic, HB. Thank you And thanks for reminding me that my actually reaching out is important. That in the past I would not have done that. There would have been no one I trusted enough to reach out to

Alas, the snow did cancel the appointment but I have another one tomorrow afternoon and I did talk to my T for a few minutes and tell him how I was feeling. We don't usually communicate well via phone for some reason but this call went fairly well and it was good just to hear his voice. He told me to feel free to email him any thoughts or feelings I wanted to share before tomorrow. Or to let him know if I needed anything. I felt better after our short chat.

My self-esteem is fragile on a good day and so that trigger I ran into this weekend really set me back or actually threw me into the black hole of despair. I am slowly trying to climb back out. Thanks for your advice and wise words.

TN

TN:
So sorry you are having such a hard time. Just remember this will not last. The knowledge that the bad days are temporal is all that keeps me going some days. But that's all it takes. After a day or 2, I can't remember the actual pain anymore, only that i'd had a really bad day ( or 2).
I'm glad you were able to speak to your T and get a little bit of reassurance today. I am hoping your session tomorrow will be just what you are needing to pull you on out of that black hole.
this was recommended to me only recently. it made sense so i will share with you. It is not your job to make your therapist like you (and believe me when i say that i know we want them to). and it is not your therapist's job to judge you. it is his job to listen empathetically and offer the "unconditional positive regard" that perhaps you did not get at some other stage of your life. the more you are able to experience that with him (like on the phone today), the easier it will be for you to start believing you deserve that kind of treatment. and you DO deserve to have your needs met!!
Imagine if I was the one having the bad day(s) What would you say to me? you have given me some pretty good encouragement/advice in the past. you deserve the same good treatment!!! you are worth it!!!