Hi Stillhealing

Fwiw; No; I don't think you are being paranoid
at all. I would feel very unsettled with changes
such as those you have mentioned. Especially
since he has been so consistent for such a long
time with you. I would want to keep bringing
up those feelings of being pushed away if it
were me.
IDK; its just a thought; but I wonder if he has
had a change of supervisor who has suggested
some changes to your sessions that he is trying.
You could always ask him I guess
I hope you start to feel safe and secure with
him again soon though.

AV.

Hi Stillhealing,

Nope, you're not paranoid!

I'm sorry you are feeling so confused, and that it's so difficult right now.

I have been going through much of the same with my T as well, and it stinks.

In my case, I think my T is challenging me to step up a bit, but it's hard to say whether or not your T might be doing the same.............I would bring this up with him for sure.

Talk about how you feel about it, your feeling confused, feeling like you are being paranoid, and taking the distance you feel from him personally.

I hope you can find some resolve with this soon; I know it's a hard process to go through.

Blu

Thanks AV for your advice, I would of thought that about the supervisor change,but he is director of this group. Although he does have a co-therapist that him and the other therapist talk with about cases, so maybe that is the change in his attitude.

I just know that it hurts, and then I find myself blaming me for being stupid and childish. I never thought I would rely on one person this much, and that is scary all in it self.I start making excuses for him,and why he is doing this,he is over worked, busy, maybe he has personal problems. I realize I'm making excuses for how I feel and I'm falling back into my old ways with my abusive husband.

Isn't all this wrong?

Thanks Blu

I have asked him three times now, and he says nothing has changed on his end. So does that mean it is me?? But if it is all me, then why won't he ask me to talk it out with him, explore why I feel this way, last session he just said that maybe I feel frustrated, and I'm just thinking he is!! Okay,I'm not, but wouldn't he want to find out why I have these feelings, because I do! If I bring up how I feel betrayed, or abandoned, I'm afraid he will push me away even more by not working on this.

so confusing!

Hi there stillhealing. It`s great that you poSted about it here, and i am sorry things feels so very difficult and "different" in your therapy now. It sounds very scary and sad, - the not knowing exactly what it is that has changed, and whether it is your T, or you. Obviosuly i cant give you the answer, but my best suggestion would be that the change is within you. Hence to your T saying. I relate alot to your fear and this "pattern" where i blame my T for being changed, or tired or frustrated with me, when it often is just plane projections on my end. I also understand your fear that bringing up this topic again only would lead to him pushing you even further away... That`s a scary feeling! Dont let that fear speak to loud though! He SHOULD be able to ask you about this, and also be interested in what this "change" could be about. If it is you pushing him away, or simply your projecting your own frustration/fear onto him, or something else.. It is such a terrible feeling, and he should also want to figure this out in order to help you. Perhaps you can just print out what you just wrote here and give it to him to read? Or send a mail? Then he`ll get time and a chance to respond and think about it, in a way that may help him to respond and understand better your struggle.
Keep trying to talk about it! It really is the only way...
When will you see him next?
Wish you all the best.

Thanks

I see him on Wednesday. Maybe if I write this all out into a email and send it to him it will be more clear to him on how I feel and yes your right give him time to consider what I say.

I am so afraid of his reaction. Part of me feels like he is pushing me away and wants to drop me as a client.

It is so weird, 6 years with going to him I can say anything to him, accept when it comes down to this kind of thing my fears of being abandoned by him.

My T sent me an email this morning, it said, "what I'm feeling may not be correct". "Not to act on the feelings that are not correct and just try to breath".

If that is the case then how come he won't talk to me about this? How come the little contact, and how come he keeps giving my appointment times away or asking me to reschedule because he needs to put someone else in that time slot?

Hi stillhealing &

I'm sorry your relationship with your T feels so volatile now. So many of us have been there. It sounds like you're trying to talk to him, but I wonder if you've asked him these very pointed questions?

quote:

Originally posted by stillhealing:
If that is the case then how come he won't talk to me about this? How come the little contact, and how come he keeps giving my appointment times away or asking me to reschedule because he needs to put someone else in that time slot?

These are good, logistical questions that he should answer for you.

If you think he's really trying to push you out of the nest, so to speak, I think it's completely legitimate to ask what the process really looks like. I think it needs to be a mutual decision between you and T and bears discussion.

okay I emailed my T with everything I am feeling about him. I feel like my world is about to drop away when he reads it.

That was a good idea! I really hope your T will respond in a way that give you some peace and comfort. You're very courageus having sent him a mail about this, and i can see how you feel that you did not have any choice but send him this mail, in order to get this out on the table to be discussed. Let us know how you cope!
Btw: i did not understand what your T wrote in his mail to you- do you have any idea what feelings he was referring to? Probably you did, but without the context it's difficult to see why your T would write that to you...

I'm very nervous, I feel like he is going to tell me he has to let me go. I don't think I could find another therapist and start this all over again.

Frog, I'm guessing he means where all my thoughts are lately, that I'm imagining all this and my feelings are just that feelings, and to not act on them. At least that is what I'm thinking, since the other three times I have said something to him about how I feel, he keeps saying it isn't on his end, or he isn't frustrated with me. He just never asked me to go further into it, he just dropped it, which is not like him in the past.

Hello Stillhealing, and welcome to the forum

Sounds like the changes your T has been making have felt to you like he's pulling the rug from under your feet. Something I can relate to very closely. The kinds of things you are describing would be unsettling at the best of times, any changes in a relationship that has settled into a comfortable and known pattern are unsettling.

What I find worrying is your T's insistence that there is nothing different about him or what he's been doing, when it's so patently obvious you have noticed SOMETHING. As you said, instead of telling you nothing has changed and thereby making you doubt your own perceptions, it might have been more helpful if he'd asked you WHY you are feeling the things you are.

On a more positive note though, my first thought when I read about his taking your slot for a new client, was that there is some urgency about fitting this other client in and your time was the only one that suited. Ie that it had nothing to do with you and everything to do with the other client's needs. Which is still no excuse for his not discussing it with you and being honest and open about it.

Do you think you could list out the specific things that are making you feel unsettled and threatened and discuss them with him rather than just talking generally about how you're feeling in a global way. Which just makes it easier for a T to sidestep important issues. Being specific and clear about your perceptions and doubts might help you hold onto the validity of your feelings and thoughts and not feel intimidated by T's apparent lack of understanding.

I know Wednesday is a long time away, hope you are ok waiting until then and that the session goes well for you.

LL

stillhealing,
I don't have any wonderful advice for you at the moment. Just letting you know that I am also a CSA survivor and domestic abuse survivor. I've been in therapy for 2.5 years and I'm about to start over with a new T. I'm really nervous and part of me wants to go running back to my old T.
I'm also a T in training hoping to some day help others.

Keep us updated on how things are going for you and T. I hope that you guys can get past this and successfully work together.

I received a email from my T. I'm still confused, he explains the appointment times, and why he changed mine. How come I don't feel any better. I still feel like he is giving me half answers.

I'll copy and past his email, the Nancy he is referring to is my sister in law that has been a support for me, and I signed disclosre paper so her and my T can talk.



Not true that I am distant. My schedule got very tight. I am trying to get people in. Clients that have flexibility (like you) get asked tro move around for others that don';t have flexibility. Please don't read into this and ASK me when we talk if you have any concerns.

Nancy is just as concerned and wanting to help. I am afraid you are projecting these thoughts. You must constantly check these thoughts out before making assumptions.

People are here for you and want you to recover and only abusers think this is your fault.

Am I projecting? Why do I feel more angry now then before this email came in.

maybe it is all me, frustrated!!!

I'm going to do the list that lamplighter suggested, see if I can make sense out of this and then email it to him. I have a hard time getting my feelings out normally, but when I'm upset they just don't come, I turn them inside myself.

Wow SH that’s some cold and uncaring email your T sent you there . I don’t blame you for not feeling any better on receiving it.

Sure he’s explained the bare bones of his messing about with your times (but has he ever asked you if you CAN change times, or even whether it’s ok with you, or did he just announce it as a fait accompli?) The trouble is I read the way he’s worded this email as particularly dismissive of your feelings doubts and concerns. Personally I don’t like the way he’s effectively saying you are ‘making it up’ and that your assumptions and perceptions are wrong. They may well be wrong but having them dismissed and invalidated like this doesn’t do anything to alleviate your fears and only serves to reinforce your sense of their being something not quite right on his part. If it’s any consolation if I got an email like this I’d be absolutely convinced that T has a negative agenda and it would scare the hell out of me.

I think you don’t have much option now but to try and pin him down to talk to you about how this is all making you feel. It sounds like he’s very good at fobbing off your fears and loading it all onto your ‘incorrect’ perceptions and unverified assumptions – so you might need to be very very clear about exactly what is bothering you, so that you can hold your ground if he does try and oppose your concerns by dismissing them as untrue or exaggerated. Making that list as objective as possible is a start, so that you don’t dissolve in a puddle of fear and defensiveness and hurt and anger thereby making it easier for him to load it all onto you.

Is this his normal way of relating to you, or does he speak this way only since you noticed the changes? If he’s been normally consistently considerate and validating of you and your feelings, and has noticeably changed recently then I think you have valid grounds for fearing something is amiss and you have every right to press him about it. I do hope that whatever is going on is not negative towards you but of course the only way you’re going to find out is to ask, and keep on asking until you’re satisfied with the answers and can make an informed decision about where to go from here. I know this sort of thing would seriously dent if not completely destroy my trust in a T, so it would be imperative it gets resolved.

I’m sorry you are having to deal with this, it sucks. Know that you can come here and talk about it whenever and as much as you need .

LL

No, this is not his normal way he talks or corresponds with me. Normally he is very caring and talks out what is bothering me. This time it feels like he just shut me down, end of talking!! I responded to his last email, asking him what he meant by projection, and telling him I get rationally why he has been changing the appointment times, but it was the other side of my brain that fears he is dropping me. I found his response to my email this morning, all he said was I have to be clearer he doesn't understand what I am saying!

Right now my first instinct is to bail on Wednesdays appointment, I know if I do that, it will only be harder to go back and face him. Running is a problem of mine. It is going to be difficult to stay though.

I have had emails back and fourth between my T and me. He is insisting he is not becoming distant or pulling away from me. Says one example of projection is a person having feelings and thoughts about another when really the thoughts and feelings are their own. He says I say he is distant, but perhaps I'm the one feeling distant and projecting it onto him? Says we need to talk about this in Wednesday's session, and that he wants me to stay close he isn't going anywhere.

So now I don't know if it is all me or not? HIs emails over the last 3 or so weeks have all been cold and short, but maybe because of me?

hi, stillhealing. i'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time with your T. knowing absolutely nothing about your history, i have to say that your T sounds rather defensive and not very responsive or empathic. you are rightfully concerned about recent behaviors on his part. to change your times is a boundary infringement. to add injury to insult, you book an appointment only to have him call you to ask if you can reschedule so he can fit somebody else in??? i'm so sorry, but that is not okay. and it sounds like he's turning it around and making it your issue. it's sooo NOT your issue and i hope you can see that. something definitely is up, and unfortunately it's you that'll have to confront your T about it. really, this is not okay. again, i'm really so sorry you're going through this. i think you have to confront your T on all this and it sounds like he's being difficult (not good) which will make it more difficult for you.

stillhealing, i'm glad you're here and i'm glad you're posting. do what you have to do. know that whatever you decide to do that we're behind you here. come back and let us know how things are going. keep talking.

So nervous for tomorrow, I go in the morning, and I don't feel any better then I have in a month.

Sorry for so many posts.

Today went, my appointment with T was scheduled for 11:00, he emailed at 9:00 saying his 10:00 (which was my slot for the past 4 years) cancelled and if I wanted to come in early. Aghhhhh!! I did, I was so nervous I figured if I waited to long, I would probably bag the appointment anyway. So I went!

Awkward at first, we talked about why I am angry, and projection, and him changing towards me, becoming cold and distant. He apologized for making me feel this way, and said if he has done any of those things, he is sorry and wasn't something he ever intended to do. So we went onto my projection, asked if I was angry at him, YES!!! He thinks it is me, I am projecting my anger, my fear, my fear of abandonment onto him. We had been working on some heavy things and he thinks my walls came back up and I'm trying to deflect the pain, by shutting him out. ! I really wish I knew!! He knew I was very stressed out about being there and wanted to discuss it, but we never got to it because I lost it.

I had a major panic attack, thought I was going to pass out, he was concerned, and tried to calm me, but nothing at that point was working, it took a good 15 minutes for it to subside enough where I could breath. Once I recovered a little, he wanted to take me home, said I could come back and get my car later, but I didn't want him near me, I didn't feel safe??? I don't understand, why, his office and him have always been safe with me! Only place I feel safe most of the time. I really don't understand what is happening to me!

He emailed me about an hour ago to see if I was okay? Said he would work with me through all this, he thinks my stress levels and lack of sleep are playing a large role in my behavior.

Has anyone else had this happen? That they all of a sudden don't feel safe with their T? Or is it just me and not feeling safe at all right now?

Hi,this is my first time on hear,and just had to write. I just went through the same thing with my T. She cut off contact with me, and changed up everything, right after i had a melt down,she pulled away when i needed her most, i was devestated, my abandoment fears went crazy, i thought she wanted to drop me, i was terrified to b left alone again. I called her and we talked about it, i didnt feel any better about the changes, but decided just to accept them and her word that she wasnt leaving me. Its been a month since that happened, and our relationship has changed, its more mature now, she forced the next step on me, before i was ready to let go. I can see now why she did it, even though for me she damaged the trust issues i have. It is hard but we r working on building a new relationship, cause i too couldnt bear the thought of starting over, it took over a year for me to even tell her how i feel or what happened to me in my childhood. I still cant cry in front of her.i am so glad u wrote about this i thought i was the only one this has ever happened to. Thanks for listening.

Stillhealing no need to apologize for posting – that’s what this place is for!

I’m really sorry to hear how your session went, what with having a panic attack on top of everything else . I must say I think a little better of your T for wanting to take you home, shows he’s not completely uncaring – though obviously the last thing you needed at the time was his solicitousness, so maybe he’s just not picking up on where you’re at and what you need?

Having said that, it also sounds like you are completely overwhelmed by your own fears and doubts and other deep black feelings and are having a survival response – shut down withdraw block out at all costs.

It’s really sad that you are now feeling unsafe, but from what I understand of your T’s words he sounds like he is there for you and wants to help you back to safety. I guess all you can do is keep telling him how you feel, keep hanging in there and have faith that you’ll break through the fear that’s got you by the throat at the moment. But I still am sorry that it's so hard

p.s. Hello Suzyq welcome to the forum

LL

(((((stillhealing)))))
I am so sorry to hear that you`re having such a hard time and it sounds awful having a panic attack like that you described in the session.
You will get through this! That is the "comforting" part with this terrible scary projecting stuff, - it will fade and you will eventually experience your T the way you used to again. That is: The safety will return.
And i must say I think it is obvious that your T cares deeply for you- he sounds very concerned about you and is taking you very seriously (as he should). He`s right there with you, dear.
Hang in there, it will be okey. It`s just SO scary when this happens. Yeah- i`ve been there too- i project my abondon fears on T regulary, allthough the last years they`re not as intens as before.
Keep writing here if you need to.

I have never felt projection before. It's scary stuff!

We started working a month or so ago on the way I felt when I was a little girl and the CSA started, I come from a large family, and have 7 brothers, my father and 3 brothers where involved in the abuse. I guess I have hidden from feeling all this stuff more then I thought. Sessions where tough and I felt myself closing down, doing more listening then talking. I just didn't realize it had gotten that bad. So last night when I was trying to figure out why I am so angry at my T, the only thing I kept coming back to was becuase of the pain I am feeling right now, and I'm placing it all on him for making me relive this stuff?? Do you think that is a possibility? The unsafe feelings around him I can't figure out, unless it is again because I am placing all this pain on him?

Not liking being here in the dark!

LL,

Thanks for the insight, never thought of it as survival instincts. But I think you may be onto something with how I'm feeling. It's as if I have to only trust myself again to stay alive. does that make sense?

Frog,

Thanks, how do you manage this projection stuff? Its scary, not liking it, how can I push away the one person that I know has always been there for me without wanting anything in return, yet I am!!

SuzyQ,

Welcome, and please post some more, there is great advice and support here.

My only thought right now is to just quit counseling, I can't figure this projection stuff out and it is just making me worse. He emails me this morning about doing some work and meditation type stuff, when I answer back, I get a total different response, telling me basically to just do it without thinking, trust him. really!! That just sent me spiraling and now I'm just done.

Hi Stillhealing!

I was a bit sad to hear about your story. I can relate in some ways.

For me, leaving therapy and interacting with "regular people" again is the best thing that I have ever done. It was painful to realize that it was of little or no use to me, even harmful (I had a thoroughly incompetent and abusive T)

But I do believe that T's do not possess any special knowledge that is more useful in becoming a full human being than any other insightful or aware person on this planet. This whole "projection" thing that you mention would drive me crazy; it's basically circular reasoning, and is not supporting his theory with actual logic, just repeating the same premise.. that it is YOU and not him. You have provided some concrete reasons for your fears, and logically, either A. He really is busy and should inform you what his policies are on guaranteeing time slots so as to prevent any further misunderstanding. Unilateral decisions on his part need to be explained. B. He has other reasons why he keeps rescheduling your appointments, and you deserve to know why. C. You really are projecting a fear of abandonment, but based on actual changes in his behavior, which seem incongruent with his words. For now, it (your projection) is only a theory. The fact that he keeps repeating it or saying "because I said so" does not make it valid. He is an "expert" in psychology, but you are the expert on YOU. By the way, had he said "Do you think you might be projecting".. as a respectful means of encouraging you to become even more aware, more of an expert on yourself, that would have been an entirely different matter, I think. But only if he was honest with himself and asked himself the same question.


There are books one can read about these mind traps. The more you try to defend, the deeper you will get drawn in. I suggest just repeating the same question over and over again if your T keeps evading the original question, but keep it simple, straightforward, logical, respectful, and objective. Repeat the same short question over and over again until you get your point across instead of becoming more ensnared. For example: "This is the third time you have cancelled or asked to reschedule my appointment this month. Why?" The point is not to keep asking till you hear what you want to hear, (you may very well not and have to accept the answer) but to NOT allow the person to evade or deflect the original question. It keeps the discussion from being over-controlled by the T, and allows you to feel balanced and centered. You need more data in order to assess why you feel the way you do, and most likely don't want to give him a reason to view you as feeble-minded, which I'm sure you are not. Respect yourself, and he may begin to respect you and your thoughts, ideas, and perceptions.


I'm very glad that I was in therapy to see what it was like, and I learned a great "negative" lesson, and grew in unexpected ways. In the end, I discovered that the most important person you can love is yourself. I really do hope you find that. It's not going to be found with a T. This much I do know. Easier said than done, however.

However, if you decide to stay, I agree with LL. Trust yourself. I am very bothered that anyone would tell you that your perceptions, thoughts, and feelings are "incorrect". Don't let anyone define you. Suggestion: call him on it with the same respect you would show any other human being, but call him on it. Sounds like he is fairly certain you are not going anywhere, and people often do behave strangely when they know you are hooked. Tell him that his words and actions, to you, don't seem to be in alignment. This would be distressing to ANYONE, in therapy or not!!

As far as "running" goes, maybe you had good reasons to in the past. (or not, I don't know) I have reinstated my "3 Strikes" rule and am more than willing to walk on the third strike. Of course, I'm talking about major transgressions, not minor misunderstandings.

Oddly, as a result, I have been less likely to become a "victim"... I don't attract people that abuse power because I am firm about it.

The key is honesty. Sometimes people grow apart at different rates. It happens in real life, and it happens in therapy. But therapy, at times, I think, is inherently dishonest. It can be useful, yes, but it is my opinion that one has to suspend their disbelief in order participate in therapy, and to me, and many others I know, it just feels off. Nothing lasts forever, enjoy the moment while it lasts, but know when to gracefully exit any relationship that outlives its usefulness instead of trying to force something that just isn't there anymore. (My opinion, based on my own experiences...I'm not saying it's time to exit, only YOU know the answer)


Hope it all works out, and that somehow you get something out of it.

People here are rooting for you. Love yourself as well!

thanks number 9

You put a lot of questions out there that maybe I have been thinking didn't want to admit though. I know that I feel like I am beating myself up over this, and to think I went to therapy to feel better about me!! It has helped, a lot, I have come a long way since walking through his door 6 years ago.

I'm not looking for him to show me sympathy, or treat me with kid gloves, but I do need answers, I went in on Wednesday with questions, and we got to most of them, he apologized, we talked about the projection, he said he wasn't going to abandon me,that it is possibly all my thinking and not actual, then today he is back to his behavior of the last month or so, it is all me, what I am perceiving him to say, how can I blindly trust him on something I know nothing about, maybe 3 months ago, because then I did trust him, now not so sure anymore.

He took a week off for the months of June, July, August, from burn out, he was honest with me then, how come he can't be now on what is going on??

I know I'm not a perfect person, and have many issues I'm working on, god I know that better then anyone, I just would like to be treated like a person, or my age, not like a child!

I run, yes I do, from over load, things get overwhelming, I can't sort out the stuff in my head, it all becomes one thing and I can't get away from it, so I take off for a few days, I know it isn't solving the problem, but sometimes with everything going on, I just need to be alone with me and try to sort things out. I used to drink, cut, use drugs, and run,I don't do that stuff anymore, just the running, and I have cut down doing that.

I feel like when things get to much and I need to escape, I get in the car and go, or when he suggests something for me to do or try and I don't do it, he gets frustrated with me because I am still in my old patterns.

I told him on Wednesday that I feel as though he is frustrated with helping me, and that I am to much for him to handle right now. He looked right at me and told me I wasn't, and he wasn't frustrated, that when I was in the middle of the abuse, that was hard on him, he didn't know how to help me other then be there for me to talk to. But now it is just working on the issues he said, and that he doesn't know all the answers, and no matter what he suggests even if I don't take his suggestions he will still support me and help me. Then today he does this stuff, and when I called him on it, that I wasn't comfortable not knowing, he told me to just do it and trust him, there was no room for deciding, and I felt myself back in the abuse for a moment. It triggered me his response.

Now after the initial hurt is gone, I'm just plain pissed. And dropping therapy just sounds good right now, it isn't supposed to make you feel worse, is it?????????

quote:

I know I'm not a perfect person, and have many issues I'm working on, god I know that better then anyone, I just would like to be treated like a person, or my age, not like a child!

I believe that if you treat someone like a child, they will act like one.

How do you feel about that?

I also understand that it is frustrating when clients don't "comply" or do what is suggested, but I don't like the way he presented it, in the manner of a parental figure. Do you think it would be better if it were a more collaborative effort? I for one, would be more likely to "do the work" if I were part of the decision-making process.

I strongly believe that therapy isn't supposed to make one feel worse, especially not after 6 years. Life itself is harsh, and far too short. I know often that there are no shortcuts, but to me, a T is a witness, my coach in the corner of the boxing ring, not my opponent in the ring, and I will not allow myself to be manipulated.

quote:

he apologized, we talked about the projection, he said he wasn't going to abandon me,that it is possibly all my thinking and not actual, then today he is back to his behavior of the last month or so, it is all me, what I am perceiving him to say,

Yikes. That does sound a little "off" to me. I don't see any harm in asking questions if he says one thing and does another. In fact, this seems like a very normal response.

Do you think that driving off is destructive, necessarily? Could it also be constructive? That you are sorting things in your own mind? I like how you said you need to be alone with yourself and sort things out in your head.

Reframe?

Even the stuff I'm saying here.. might be way off to you. You may need to filter out a lot of it.

There are so many things you said that struck me, got me thinking as well.

You did, after all, say that you have come a long way in 6 years!

Thank you!

Makes me angry when I feel like I'm being treated like a child. I won't always make the right decisions, but isn't that what this is all about, therapy and life in general? There is only one decision that cannot be fixed, and that would be one taking their own life, everything else can be fixed in time. When I was in my abusive relationship, it took me a few years before I finally stood up to him and got the police and the courts involved, I made some really bad decisions in the course of that time, and went against all my T was asking me to do, because I didn't like or respect myself to think I shouldn't have to live like that. Even through all that, T worked with me to fix things I made bad choices in. Now it just seems he suggests things, and if I don't agree or act on them, thats when he becomes frustrated.

When I started therapy, I had a huge problem with people in authority positions, I couldn't go against anything they said, even though I didn't fully believe it or trust it, it didn't matter, finally about a year into therapy, I finally told my T this, that I do what he suggests because to me he was above me. His response was shock, he said he never wanted me to think that way of him, his suggestions are just that!! I am his boss he said, my choices are mine and short of me telling him I am going to harm myself or someone else, he will help me no matter the decision. Now it seems like that statement was life times ago.

Now my running off isn't destructive, at least I don't see it that way, even a year ago, I couldn't of said this, but now I do just go to have down time from all the outside stuff going on in my life. My head feels like it has so much stuff crammed into it in every nock and crannie, it is impossible for me to just work on one thing, or not work on anything sometimes. When I take off for a few days, it seems to make a little bit of room, just enough that it isn't yelling at me for attention 24/7.

One thing in a session early on in my therapy keeps coming back to me, I had gone to my T for my mom's death, severe depression, and what brought me to him was I took many pills one day while my kids were at school and I was home with my thoughts. I ended up in the ER, from there to crisis intervention, I refused their in house day program and told them I would seek help. Which lead me the next day to my T. When I got there I was cocky, I wasn't letting anyone inside this head, because I believed I was the evil person, all the CSA, the domestic abuse, it was all my fault. So I played the cool you can't touch this posture and response. Some how he got me, and within 6 sessions I was telling him I was a CSA survivor, never told him about the current abuse though. So some time later he thought that my husband coming to a session would be helpful, and being he was the authority person, I didn't question it and had him come next session. While we were talking, my husband asked my T about the CSA, that he wanted to know what I went through!! I was freaking out right there, I was not going to tell my husband what was done to me, NO WAY. My T agreed with my husband and thought that it would be a good thing for both of us, and also a healing step for me to talk about it all, and if I couldn't talk about it, he suggested writing it down and giving it to my husband!! All I remember from that point on for the rest of the session, was I was falling into a huge hole in the ground that had no bottom!! I don't remember a thing that was said after that! But because he was the one in charge, I did it, and didn't tell him my fears.

Point is I have let my T do things like this to me, because I can't always stand up for myself, or speak my mind. I am better at it now, and I'm wondering if this is part of my growing more??? I would never of confronted him with this stuff before, I would of chalked it up to my own insecurities and buried it somewhere in my over crowded brain. Is this so hard and such a conflict because I'm no longer that child that you can say the world is flat and she doesn't question it?

You are just fine Stillhealing. Of course you are angry at T. He has been controlling your relationship and defining you. You are healing and learning and you don't want to be controlled anymore. In fact you are furious for T colluding with your abusive husband and not respecting your feelings, wishes or privacy. I am glad you are seeing that you have a right and responsibility to act on your own behalf, rather than allow T or anyone to bearover you. T may have your interests at heart, but you are strong enough now that you can make your own decisions. He needs to let you be in charge of yourself and to honor your feelings. Sounds like you have grown a lot since you began working with him. Is it time move out of this relationship so you can keep growing?
Hope I'm not way off base. I thinknI may be projecting some of my feelings here
keep listening to and trusting yourself!

I found myself looking for a "like" button! lol..

Number9
I would do the same to your post! Its a great reminder to me of why I'm not in therapy anymore!

Thanks katiedid, I think maybe this is what is happening with me. Didn't have a clue until tonight that this could possibly be the reason for my feelings about therapy right now.

One thing I never thought I would be doing is getting stronger and growing out of my T. Kind of scary. Actually very scary. But this is hard, the questioning everything I say to T because I feel like I don't know what I'm talking about with him.

He was there for me when I was at bottom, and I did hang onto every word he said, and I did have him up on this pedestal and thought he had all the answers for me, and I never thought different. Maybe I needed it at the time, now maybe not so much!

I think you may have outgrown him!! This is a great thing as it shows how much you have progressed. Maybe sit with the idea for a while and not act and see how it feels.

I don't like the way your T is acting - it doesn't seem a partnership and it needs to be.

email from T this morning

says he is NOT pushing me to another therapist, but feels I would do better with another therapy approach. Sounds to me like he just did!

I should feel relief, I don't, major panic attacks right now. Make things worse, he sent me that email, I responded with thanks for the punch in the stomach first thing in the morning, and nothing from him since!!!

Does he have any idea what he did to me!!!!

Hi stillhealing,
Does T mean another therapy appproach from him? If he is not pushing you to someone else and has promised to work through this with you (his words), this sounds like good news. Maybe he has realized from what you've told him that he needs to change his approach to give you more power and respect. You have changed and are not so helpless anymore. He needs to see and treat you accordingly. Maybe he gets that; you have shown him that. If he is not terminating you, but just changing his approach, both of you and the relationship may be able to grow together. It will be tricky as we all revert to our past patterns with those we know, but it happens alot.
I wish you the best moving forward. I'm so proud of you. Hugs, KD