No he means a different therapist and therapy. I sent him another email, telling him what he has done, anxiety he has put on me, and thanking him for it!

He emailed back saying he didn't do anything, I over think things, he is never going to abandon me, but says I need some relief in where I am right now. He is just trying to get me there.

So I sent him this,

analogy

suppose you were looking at a locker that was so full you couldn't close it, yet you needed something from inside that locker, but you can't find it because everything else in there comes spilling out when you touch it all of it demanding attention. none of it fitting in a place. no room for anything else to go in it, yet you have more things in your hands that need to go in. you stand there without moving, overwhelmed. THAT IS HOW I FEEL!!!

It opened the dialogue between us at least. I wish he didn't do this on a weekend. He responded with this

nice analogy.

I think you let everything fall out of the locker. The school doesn't close the world doesn't end. The stuffed locker could never be useful stuffed. Let the stuff fall. Look at it. Without the pressure. Think about what really needs to be in that locker and what can be let go.

He may be right, I think all this stuff with him the past month or so has just put to much on me, and filled the last remaining empty space I had left.

So my meld down has at least opened up conversation with him. I told him basically he doesn't get to tell me I over think, this is how I feel, this is how I have felt for the last month that you were pushing me away, becoming distant, changing appt times, etc... and when I asked you on Wednesday you said it was me I am projecting, etc.... so you telling me you think I would benefit going to someone else right now confirms my feelings, right or wrong they are my feelings and what I feel.

I am exhausted from all this

You are so wise. T has been consistently blaming you rather than addressing your feelings or admitting any responsibility. In doing so he has been talking circles and using therapy words to try to confuse you or hide what he is actually doing from you and from himself. It sounds like there may be some hope of repair after you take some time out. Keep trusting yourself. Hugs, KD

Even if you are projecting or causing all of this turmoil (which you ARE NOT) - then he is the professional and you are the client. He is the person who needs to be supporting you and making sure that you can work this out together. He is the one with the degrees and experience and is supposed to be the professional who needs to do his job. NOT pointing the finger at you and repeatedly saying you are the cause of it all and then not doing enough to repair things.

He needs supervision and needs to look at what he is doing.

It was great to open up the dialogue with the analogy. I find that using analogies really helps my T understand things - she must see things better in pictures or something as sometimes things click with her.

You are doing well in this horrible situation, keep talking...
Somedays

stillhealing:

You go girl!

Katiedid: I never realized that this is exactly what my ex T was doing towards the end. Using therapy words as a way to confuse, or using them as a weapon or a trump card to control a client is clearly an abuse of power.

Somedays: I hear that this is common. T's can and should be hired and fired at will in order to keep the balance of power intact, and not overly skewed towards the T. I can tell that SH is working very hard and even giving the T the benefit of the doubt.

SH: rooting for you!!!

Well I'm still confused about it all, the analogy worked and opened communication between us. We spent yesterday afternoon back and fourth in emails about how to fix this. I told him I don't trust him right now, and all this external stuff is just making things much harder for me then they should be.

He asked me to compile a list of my stresses right now, I did and therapy was on the list, whether to continue or not. I'm glad the dialogue is open, no matter how hard it is to talk about with him, and it is, I am not a person for confrontation with certain people. So this is trying all my limits right now.

So after a few emails back and fourth and him still saying my thinking is not right, that he doesn't know how to convince me otherwise that he isn't going any where and the suggestion of another therapist is to help me. I was angry again, sent him an email saying I wasn't questioning my thinking, if none of this is real, all of it is in my head, then we need to talk about it!! Thats all, no more, no less, I have spent 6 years with you in sessions, half of those were about how none of the abuse was my fault!! That, that was a control thing for the abusers to use on me!To make me think it was all my fault! Now I'm telling you I feel that you are pulling away, pushing me onto another therapist, and your telling me I'm not thinking straight, isn't that the same thing???? You want me to accept your word on this, but it doesn't feel right in doing that!!Your asking me to do the same thing we have been working on for so long to fix!

His response surprised me, I was expecting him to again say "it is not true" he didn't, he told me I was right, and that this needs to be talked about and worked out between us. FINALLY!!

I may very well be projecting, but it is still how I feel, and telling me it isn't true doesn't stop me from continuing those thoughts, he has always told me he is human, and not perfect and will make mistakes, why was it so hard for him to see where I was coming from?????

I feel like I worked a 1000 hours in the past few days, it drained me so much with all this on top of my other stuff!!

Question please,


With all that has been happening between my T and I, we have been talking back and fourth on line about how I feel. I thought we at least had an understanding and would talk more on Wednesday's session. He emailed me tonight, asking about changing the appointment on Wednesday an hour earlier, which is ok, then asked about next week and changed it to Monday, I work, T knows. So again I feel pushed or angry, or upset, or all of the above, not heard mostly I guess. Is it wrong for me to think like this???????

Update

Saw T today, we talked about everything happening or not happening between us. Both managed to come up with when the problems started, which was about 2 months ago, when I took a defiance stand on how to handle my son. I do take on some of the blame for how it worked its way into everything else we worked on, I was pissed. So I shut down, he said he couldn't tell where I was coming from, what was going on, only the bits he was hearing from my sister in law, and he doesn't want to rely on her, but wants to hear things from me.

He apologized for pushing my feelings aside, and jumping to projection. Said he should of taken the time to explore where they were coming from.

Anyway it was a long session, exhausting session! I hate having confrontation. So he suggested we meet twice a week for awhile so we can work this out, without communication and me gaining some trust back with him, therapy won't work. So this is what we will be working on for a bit!

aghhhh!!

This is a GREAT outcome.

My T and I have been doing twice weekly since we had a mega rupture, it really, really helps.

Are you happy with his explanations of things? Does it sit ok with you and do you think it explains how it all went down over the past few months?

He sounds sincere and reflective and prepared to negotiate and get things back on track. This all sounds good to me.

IT must have been such a difficult session to go to - you did really well.
SD

I'm happy with the outcome of yesterdays session, I had to process it, and go over a lot of what we talked about once I had me time last night. Still have things to work on, still needs to know that he just can't say I have this, or that, and not discuss it with me, or give me time to discuss it with him. I can't take his word as the gospel, it doesn't stop how I feel or think about it, only makes it more frustrating to me.

I do think it was the discussion surrounding my son that brought all this on. I'm very protective of my kids, and instead of speaking up about the things he suggested me to do, I just buried it and it came out in other ways.

I'll give twice a week a try, feels like it may be exhausting, but we need to get past this if we are going to be able to continue working together on my healing.

((STILLHEALING))

Went to my appt this morning, supposed to be first one for the week a second o e this week to follow. It's my last appt ever, I'm done!

Now that I have calmed down.

Session today was just wrong! I'm trying to draft up a letter of termination. Part of me would just like to say screw it and not ever go back with no explanation to T.

Session started late, thats fine, it happens. We started off okay, normal how is everything going. WE were supposed to talk about the things that went wrong between us. We started talking about that, and 5 minutes into session, T got off on a tangent about a issue I have, and I tried to steer back to the problem with our therapy sessions, the projection he so calls it. My anger at him for pushing my feelings off as just projection, didn't matter me trying to pull the conversation back to repair the therapeutic relationship. He kept going off topic. I just gave up. Let him ramble on!! Time for session to be over, he says I'll see you next Monday same time, so no 2 sessions to repair our relationship, no talk on repair, and it shouldn't be this hard, I shouldn't feel worse in therapy when it isn't why I went to begin with.

I just don't know how to end this, I just want to scream at him more then anything, but that would just make me look like the crazy one!!

I'm so sorry. Do you think you can call him and remind hm?

Hey Ang,

I don't know, not sure I want to at this point, think it is mute and past that point.

Hello there SH I’ve been away for a couple of weeks and so have only just caught up with what’s been happening for you with T. I’m so sorry you had such a rubbish session after what seemed like a great one. It sucks that he made all these promises in the previous session and seemed to renege on every single one next time .

How are things going for you now? Have you seen or spoken to him since you last posted? I’d have more to say on how you described your session but wondered if things haven’t moved on since you last posted?

In any event I hope you are doing ok despite what’s been going on with your T.

LL

I haven't seen him since that session, I will have an appointment tomorrow morning with him. He has been emailing me since our last session, I did tell him I wanted to discuss the future and our sessions on Monday.

I have done a lot of soul searching this week, and have decided tomorrow when I go into to session I'm going to ask him to just talk about all this. I'm not going to let him push this all on me, make it look like it is all in my head type thing. I know it isn't. Lets say I did project at him, that if he said something to me that made me think something other then what he meant, the fact is it still is there, it is real and if I projected my anger onto him then it still means it needs to be discussed, and him being my therapist should of recognized that what he said did something to me and he should of been willing to work it out.

It has been a very long tiring emotional week. Tomorrow it needs to end, one way or another, either we work on this, or I walk, but either way none of this is healthy for me either!!!

Hey there SH - good to hear you're being determined about confronting him with all of this - you're dead right, even *if* you are projecting, it's still something that needs to be discussed, not swept aside as something pathological about you that is somehow interfering with the therapy. It IS the therapy!

Good luck tomorrow, let us know how it goes?

LL

Saw T yesterday, long emotional day!

We worked some things out, I'll be staying with him as of now. He did acknowledge the fact that he thought that everything I was feeling was just that feelings, but he should of explored them and why I'm feeling this way. He does think I am projecting, but again he apologized for not opening the dialogue to help me figure out why. So we worked on that some yesterday, I told him I felt he was maybe not able to help me anymore, that I have outgrown his help. He was taken back a bit by that. Says that when I am some place he doesn't feel he is able to help me 100% that is when he offers different options to me, but not for the purpose of him leaving and shipping me off to someone else, but to better support me. He will never leave or ask me to leave, he wants to see me through to the end of the healing he says. So his comment to me few weeks back about seeing someone else, ended up being my fault and his, I was angry and said some things, which lead him to think I had slipped back and was going to self injure myself, which I wasn't I was upset, that's it bottom line. But he didn't ask, and I didn't tell, I think I was lashing out at him and wanted to hurt him!

We talked about how he made me feel, when I told him how I was feeling about our sessions, and he told me it was just feelings and not true, end of story. So I let him know how that made me feel, that he essentially treated me as my parents did, do as I say type thing. My feelings were not validated, just pushed aside as if they didn't matter.

Anyway, it was a long session, we meet again on Friday morning to see if we can continue to repair this. I'm not going to assume it is all better, I told him that. Working towards fixing what happened between us is okay right now, he asked me at the end of the session if I was OK with him, I told him I was a little better, but he threw some trust issues at me that I have, and I still have some reluctance about our relationship.

None of the session was easy, a few times I wanted to just get up and walk, not because I didn't believe what he was saying when he was apologizing, but because after being my T for 6 years, sometimes when he was talking yesterday, I didn't feel as if it was the same anymore, the connection was gone, my wall had come back up and I was having a hard time letting him back in. I told him this, and that I felt he did to me what my father always did, brought back many old feelings. I think that was a reality check on his part, he says we need to work more on this. So I guess we will see.

quote:

We talked about how he made me feel, when I told him how I was feeling about our sessions, and he told me it was just feelings and not true, end of story.

He told you this, then later "threw some trust issues" at you that you have.

IS it wise to trust this man? He couldn't just leave it alone after he apologized? It's as if he negated his own apology.

Is he interested in seeing you, as a client, develop your own inner guidance system? If something feels "off" to you, there is a reason. (Actions count more than words) Honor that. Honor yourself, however it turns out.

Sounds like you did GREAT in that session!!!!

SH thanks for telling us about your session. It sounds more promising that it might have been, but yeah it's a work in progress isn't it. It seems amazing that you could have had such a good relationship with him for 6 years and suddenly it all changes. Whatever the reasons, you are struggling with it and I only hope that Friday's session reinforces the positive and overcomes the negative stuff that's been going on.

For what it's worth my own feeling is that there is a combination of things going on - stuff coming up on your part, but also definitely things that your T is doing that aren't helping (at the least).

Know that you can talk about all of it here as much as you need, to get some perspective or just to be heard and supported

LL

Thanks LL

I am trying to not get carried away with all this, it's emotionally draining and as much as I need to continue therapy, all this extra stuff is tiring!

I did ask him straight out if helping me was what he still wanted to do, if the area we are working on in therapy goes against his beliefs or ethics or something that would cause him to keep bringing up me seeing a different therapist. His response is NO, he is okay and wants to help, but wants me to have the best support out there. So I have given him every opportunity to gracefully back out, but he doesn't want to. We have hit a road block and I know that some of it is on my part, and some on his.

Been thinking about all that was said on Monday, and I know I am hesitant to go where he wants me to go in healing, I think this is playing a huge role in all this. I have been able to say anything to him, always felt safe when talking about tough stuff, but a few months ago, he wanted me to talk about my dad, and the things and feelings around that. I couldn't, still have that gag on when it comes to my father. Talked about siblings and husband surrounding the abuse, but I can't make myself open up about my father. This is the only thing I can think of that started this. I went right on the defensive in that session.

So yes me, but him also, he hasn't put my mind at ease about all this. Then I think maybe I'm looking to push him away so I don't have to go there! Which I can see me doing, but isn't it his job to help me work through that? If this is what I'm doing can't he see it?

I sent him a email on this, something to think about and discuss on Friday. We have hit road blocks before where I would not open up, but worked through them, he always found a easier way for me to talk about it, remember it, process it. Not so much now!!

quote:

Then I think maybe I'm looking to push him away so I don't have to go there! Which I can see me doing, but isn't it his job to help me work through that? If this is what I'm doing can't he see it?

I agree SH, it's what I'd expect of a T too, to realize what's going on and help with it, rather than reinforce the whole pattern by changing how he is towards you and making you anxious and confused. You're doing all you can, if it ends up being entirely down to you to recognize what's going on and you lose trust in him because of his failure to reach you where you're at, that's not your fault. Cold comfort I know .

I hope you got a decent email reply, and are prepared for the session today (if you haven't already had it, it's just after lunchtime here so depending on where you are you might already have seen him.)

Hope it went well (((((( SH ))))))

LL

I'm not sure about today, exhausted and need to process it all before I can even figure anything out. I'll post soon on the session.

Okay, so processing is more work then the session is sometimes!!!

So yesterday went okay, we made some progress, I also see where he stands, just hope he understands where I am right now.

He apologized for not seeing the bigger picture, for not seeing the pain this has caused me, for just labeling my feelings and trying to move on. He also took responsibility for allowing this to drag out for as long as it has.

My response to him was he was treating me as a child, do as I say type thing. He wasn't listening to what I was saying. He says that every time my father is brought up in session I become defensive, and put a wall up around me. That my feelings are justified and he failed to work on the feelings I was having. He says that the times he brought up me seeing someone else, was because he feels his experience with trauma may not be enough to help me through this area of healing. He just wants the best for me! I explained to him, that if I choose to go to someone else, it would be my decision, and his statement is noted. But right now going to someone else, gaining their trust to talk about it all, and then having to go through all of it over again to land where I am right now, is just something I can't do, it is to much work and to overwhelming to consider right now.

We worked out a lot in session, but I still feel wrong inside. I ended the session with telling him that I knew going into this healing journey you weren't a trauma specialist, but I trusted you and that allowed me to open up to you. I also understand that my journey may be taking longer because of your lack of experience, but again I trust you! You have asked me to do things, that are scary to tackle, but I did them because I trust you and know you are not going to hurt me. Yet with all this the past few months, you hurt me more then I think you realize, you didn't see me for who I am, did you not think I would see through all this? I may be damaged, but I have survived because I can read people, that was the only way I could survive. So I need my old T back, can you be there for me??

I left after saying that, and yes now I am full of anxiety for leaving it that way. We have another session on Monday, and I'm nervous about his answer to me.

SH thanks again for the update. Sounds like you're working through this, as they say, but things aren't all fine and peachy keen again yet, not by a long shot. Wanted to say good for you for hanging in there and working so hard at getting back on track with therapy.

Yes I think I can see why you’d be anxious about having left your T with that as your parting comment – he could either come back and say yes you’re right I’ve not been consistent and I’ll be the old T again (which wouldn't do much for your trust in him would it), or (and this is probably the cause of your fear) he’ll say, sorry I can’t be other than I am right now, maybe you should find someone else . I SO get that fear, if that’s what’s going on for you .

It's interesting what you say about your father and how that seems to be the stumbling block generally. Obviously you know what it all involves and what it means to you, and it's good that you KNOW the issue, should make it easier to pin down more clearly just what is going on within you, and in regards to your T (transference in there anywhere do you think? Old patterns and enactments?) Just throwing out a few suggestions, not meant to be taken as me telling any kind of truths.

As always, good luck tomorrow. Hope you feel up to updating how it goes. (((( SH ))))

LL

I don't think this involves any transference, tried to think about that and if there is any. I know a lot of this is my reactions to going into stuff around my father. I also figured out much of it is the buried anger, I think the anger and my father are linked. A lot of repressed anger, and my T has wanted to tackle this before, and I just can't go there, I'm not ready to let it go. I'm afraid once I start I'll hurt him or break things, and I know I'm going to lose control. He says he can handle it, that nothing I do with shake him, yeah I'm not sure he gets it!! So when he brings my father up, the anger is right there, I can feel it at the surface. He is right, that a lot of this is me. He however handled it very wrong in my eyes.

Tomorrow I'm nervous about, and your right LL I can't ever have my old T back, to much has changed, I do need to know if he is going to be there for me, and if he is going to stop telling me how I feel. The relationship we used to have, I did the work, he guided me, I screwed up many times, but he was there to help me back up. This time it feels like he was the one pushing me down!

I am at least a little more at ease, with which ever way it goes. No I don't want to lose him as my T, not sure I would continue this healing journey. If he leaves though, it would be because him staying wouldn't help me either. As hard as it will be to not have him in my corner, going through this every few months is to emotional!

Hello SH. I was struck by the way you said this

quote:

If he leaves though, it would be because him staying wouldn't help me either

In fact it wouldn't be him who leaves, it would be you who has to do the leaving, whether through your own choice or because he pushes you to it. So I find it really interesting that you're experiencing a potential separation as him doing the leaving. Is that how it feels? I picked up on that because I have a weird way of experiencing rejection, even though I'm being left or abandoned or rejected, I tend to experience it as being sent away. That the other doesn't want me in their life, rather than that they don't want to be in my life. This makes sense to me because of my overriding need to belong...

I just wondered if there was any significance to your saying it that way, or was it just an arbitrary choice of words? You know, a cigar is sometimes just a cigar... lol.

Hey I really hope your session today goes well, whether it's about repair or whether you get to feel even more sure that it's not working for you anymore. I'm glad you feel more at ease about it, and hope that feeling stays with you for the session today. Good luck. Don't forget to let us know how it goes, obviously though only if you feel up to it.

LL

Hi LL,

Hmmm, I didn't think about it, but your right, I feel he is the one doing the leaving. Even though it may be more on my part. I have abandonment issues and until you said that, didn't really connect the dots. To me he is the one that choose to leave, he stopped helping or being helpful I see it as him choosing to leave me. But in reality I was the one that gave him the ultimatum. Hmmm interesting!

So session went OKAY, he acknowledged that he has been in the wrong, that he was in a funk and didn't see what was happening to us and how I was reading it! He says the eye opener was my closing statement about wanting my old T back or I was going to have to walk away. To him he heard, I'm not going to allow him to push me around, or use me or treat me like a child! Says he was very proud of me when I said that, couldn't help but think how much I have grown over the years, that a few years ago, I would never of stood up for myself and I would of allowed my feelings to fester, and allowed him or anyone to continue in the way they were treating me. He also pointed out that I can't have my old T back, I'm not the same person I was that needed him in that particular role. I have grown and become stronger, even in the last 6 months. He is not going to leave, or suggest I go to someone else, he wants to finish this journey with me but says I need to see the strengths in myself. So I'm still digesting all this, I have mixed feelings on it. I am proud that he has seen this in me, acknowledged the fact that I am stronger and I feel a bit more confident in myself. Yet I feel like I have lost something, I just can't seem to figure out what or why I feel this way.

So yes I don't have my old T, I have him in a new role. Says he is never going anywhere if he has a say in it anyway! I feel like I have to ask him what he means by that, that I don't need my old T? What is his role now? He has only always guided me, listened to me, and helped me take the right path, or been there to pick up the broken pieces when I made the wrong choices. So this part confuses me, and I kick myself for not asking more yesterday about that statement!!!

He wants to work on the anger, he feels by working on the anger it will help me work on what is needed to about my father. He feels that door is shut and locked tight behind all the anger! He is probably right, but releasing the anger scares me, I feel like I will be out of control and vulnerable if I release it all, it will consume me! He wants to bring in his heavy bag, have a session on a Saturday when nobody else is in the office, so I can just let it go. Told me to not worry about him, he knows he can handle me, and he isn't afraid that I will lose it so much I'll hurt him, which is my fear also!!

So after thinking about all this yesterday, I feel somewhat better, but don't all at the same time. I do understand that he isn't going to drop me, that the decision to leave his therapy is my decision. That he see's I have grown and healed so much and he is proud of me for doing all that work. I should be kicking my heels up and celebrating all this, why then am I not feeling like that? The thing is I know it is me now, what I'm feeling right now is me, not him. Working on the anger he has wanted to do for a few years now, one would think that after 6 years of working with him I would be OK with him helping me in this area, then why am I not OK with it yet???

Wow SH that sounds like a pretty good session. Certainly more promising and positive than therapy has been for you in the last few sessions.

Interesting comment by your T that you can’t have the old T back because YOU are different. If I were being cynical I’d say that sounds like passing the buck a bit. But as my policy these days is to try and see the positive in things, maybe he’s got a point. Even if he didn’t change, the fact that you have may well mean he just isn’t the same to you anymore, no matter how much you want it to be like it was.

I’m glad he was clear that he’s not going anywhere – that at least allows the decision about whether to continue with him or not to rest entirely with you. Now maybe if you’re like me you’d have preferred him to play the bad guy so as to seemingly take the decision out of your hands, but on the whole it’s a lot healthier for you to do the choosing than to be forced into it. At least that’s what I’m told . I hope his insistence that he’s with you for the duration has given you back some sense of trust and belief in the therapy.

Wow having a fixed session in order to let loose with anger would terrify the crap out of me, and I guarantee that being required to go with anger in that way would automatically mean the anger disappears and becomes inaccessible. It seems like there’s a lot of pressure on you to ‘perform’ for this special session (yikes that he’s anticipating a lot of noise etc that would flip me right out!) But maybe you’re ok with that, do you think you are ready to just plunge into anger in this way? He sounds like he’s very clear on the connection between anger and your father so maybe now really is the right time to push the anger connection, especially as you probably still have a fair amount of anger floating around the place at T himself. I have to say I do think very highly of him for being not only prepared to help and encourage you in dealing with anger, but for being open himself to experiencing the worst you could throw at him. He’s just earned multiple brownie points from me .

Very good questions you’re asking too. Why aren’t you feeling ok with all of this yet? I don’t see that you should be celebrating so much because you’ve been through some pretty shitty stuff in the last weeks and that’s not all going to dissipate just because T is making a few of the right noises now – so I hope you’re not beating yourself up for not feeling ecstatic about it all. And it sounds like other things are roiling away underneath that you haven’t yet addressed, if indeed you are even aware of them. At least you’re hanging in there and so is he and it sounds like things could get moving forward again, that’s worth a lot by itself.

As always, thanks for sharing!

LL

Oh No, that anger session or sessions scare the crap out of me! I'm afraid of letting go, of what I'll do, act like, lose it, lose myself in the anger, hurt him, break things. I just know it needs to be released somehow! I have never been able to express myself in anger for me! I can do it to fight for my kids, or stand up for a friend, just never for me! So every time something around me happened, or made me angry I would bury it, walk away, talk myself into feeling that it was all me, my fault, no reason to be angry.

My T wanted me to take a self defense course a few years ago, he wanted me to be able to defend myself against my EX if needed, and he felt it would empower me to know I can defend myself and not feel as helpless anymore. So I took the local class here put on by the police dept, my daughter and I took it together. So we took it, consisted of 6 weeks, 2 classes a week. We went through all the moves, practicing on the police officers that ran it. I just remember the feeling I had when I was hitting the padding on the police woman, the more she encouraged me to do the move and harder, with each hit the anger came closer to the surface. It was small release, but I felt it. It felt good to let some of it go. The last class was a series of scenario's each starting small and by the sixth one, it was 4 guys trying to pin you down. The whole evening I was scared, adrenaline was pumping though, on the third scenario I hit the officer so hard trying to get him to release my wrist, I tore the tendons and cartilage in my wrist and separated the bones. Never felt it, just kept going. ON the sixth scenario it was 4 guys, I was pretending to be at a atm, back to the guys, they came up behind me grabbing me, and pinning me to the ground his body over mine. I panicked so bad, adrenaline flooded me, and pushed him off me, another guy grabbed me, and I did the same to him, I saw the door to the gym and ran for it, a detective stood in front of me to block my way and I cold cocked him full swing in the face, he hit the floor, and I continued to the door, and out it!!! The officer running the program and my daughter came after me. All I saw was fear, and then anger, a lot of anger and it came out! That is what I'm afraid of happening in with T, that I will lose control and just blindly react!!

I think what T was saying about not having my old T back, I took it as I have grown and my need for him to hold my hand with every step I take is no longer needed. I know some of this is true, doesn't make it feel any better, it's kind of scary knowing that I have to leave the nest so to speak,even though I know I am ready,I know this is part of the therapy and I have to do this to gain the self confidence I need now. Still is a scary thought!!

I have to think about the anger, doing the sessions, I know if is were I have buried the issues with my father and the abuse, and that forbidding area I am never supposed to uncover or talk about!!

SH that sounds really scary the way you felt doing the self defence courses. I’d hazard a guess and say that your anger/fight levels would have been really high because you were experiencing a genuinely threatening situation (being physically attacked) which must have triggered the fight/flight response big time, even knowing it was simulated .

I would hope that the session with T wouldn’t be anywhere near those threat levels, so maybe you won’t need to fear ripping T apart with your bare hands! I understand the fear that you’ll hurt him though, but you’ve got to trust him don’t you, to know how to handle himself and how to guide the session...

Sending you lots of good wishes for the upcoming session, it sounds like it could be a pretty pivotal one. Good luck with it!

LL

quote:

He says that the times he brought up me seeing someone else, was because he feels his experience with trauma may not be enough to help me through this area of healing. He just wants the best for me! I explained to him, that if I choose to go to someone else, it would be my decision, and his statement is noted. But right now going to someone else, gaining their trust to talk about it all, and then having to go through all of it over again to land where I am right now, is just something I can't do, it is to much work and to overwhelming to consider right now.

We worked out a lot in session, but I still feel wrong inside. I ended the session with telling him that I knew going into this healing journey you weren't a trauma specialist, but I trusted you and that allowed me to open up to you. I also understand that my journey may be taking longer because of your lack of experience, but again I trust you! You have asked me to do things, that are scary to tackle, but I did them because I trust you and know you are not going to hurt me. Yet with all this the past few months, you hurt me more then I think you realize, you didn't see me for who I am, did you not think I would see through all this? I may be damaged, but I have survived because I can read people, that was the only way I could survive. So I need my old T back, can you be there for me??

I left after saying that, and yes now I am full of anxiety for leaving it that way. We have another session on Monday, and I'm nervous about his answer to me.

Hi stillhealing and welcome to the Board. I'm an oldtime member but lately have not been around much due to a bad time I've been having with my job which has caused a lot of emotional exhaustion. I'm doing better now with the help of my wonderful T.

I read through your entire thread here and I really don't want to scare you but I found what you have described just positively chilling. What I quoted above I could (and likely did) have written myself a few years ago. I see SO many red flags in your relationship with your T that I'm thinking that you have been seeing my oldT. The one that abandoned and traumatized me two years ago. This is part of my story, for what it's worth. You can stop here if you think it may trigger you too much.

Like you I started noticing some changes in his demeanor towards me after 2.5 years of seeing him. He became colder and more distant. He began to move my appointments around and the night before I had my first surgery and really needed my session with him, he moved my appointment so I had to jump through hoops to get in to see him and then a new woman got MY appointment. I had been seeing him for 2.5 years and he gave my slot to a new person! He began to change boundaries and withdrew my ability to email him. I was not abusive with this. I only emailed maybe once a week or every other week. Then he denied anything was amiss. I felt like he withdrew emotionally from me and the connection was lost. I began to get scared. The harder I tried to connect the more he pulled back. and the more he pulled back the more terrified I became.

I tried to ask him if there was something going on in his personal life that could explain the change in his behavior towards me. He refused to answer me. Then he told me that perhaps it would be better if I saw a T with more trauma experience. A special "trauma T" who could help me because he was not experienced in trauma. I always told him that it didn't matter that he was not experienced in trauma because I trusted him and he had helped me grow so much in other areas. I would tell him that he was not a perfect T but he was perfect for me. That I would NEVER EVER see another T because it was so hard to finally trust him. That I would just leave therapy totally and go on unhealed to live my life.

He said he was not asking me to leave but he thought I should see a trauma T. He wanted to refer me to this woman T he knew and I refused because I cannot work with a woman and I knew that and I told him this often. He kept saying he was not asking me to leave but yet he was pushing me away. One day I called him in panic and asked him point blank "are you trying to terminate me?" his response was "NO, not at all. I'm just trying to help you" Six weeks later I was abandoned by him.

The biggest red flag which I ignored was his inconsistency. Then it was evidence of his fear about our relationship. Later I learned that I was trying too hard to take care of him. He was incompetent not only in trauma but in psychology in general. He was a PhD he was supposed to know STUFF. I had been educating him and according to my current T and other T's I later saw... I was working both sides of the room. I was the T and the patient doing my own therapy. My current T cannot believe that I did this so well. I'm an avid reader and was studying psychology in school so I ended up knowing more than my oldT!

One day, four days after surgery, I had an appointment. I dragged myself there because he was leaving the next day for a 22 day vacation and I was terrified about that. He denied me any contact while he would be away. I had been trying over six weeks to work on a plan for my own support while he was gone but he refused to work on it with me and we spent six weeks before this day with me crying and terrified all the time and him refusing to do any "work" with me. Not even to support me in surgery.

So I walk in and we chat for a half hour about my hospitalization. We then made some light chatter about baseball which we both love. The last ten minutes of the session he hands me a list of Ts and says to go find one while he is away on vacation with the idea I would then stay with them going forward!! I was shocked and speechless. I threw the paper back at him and said NO I'm not leaving. He said I needed to find a trauma T. I stared to cry. He then handed me some things I had left in his office that he borrowed from me... a book some CDs on therapy and my receipt. He said time was up and he would see me one last time when he got back from vacation. I was so dissociated and paralyzed with terror. I asked him for an extra ten minutes and offered to pay for it. He said no. He had to make a call! He practically forced me to leave the room (we were alone in the building that day) and shut the door in my face as I was begging him to talk to me.

I went out and sat in my car. I was in shock, I was disintegrating, in pain from surgery and thrown into paralyzing grief. I sat in my car and cried. He came out and was angry after a half hour. He took away my car keys and called the police to take me away to the ER crisis center. That just traumatized me even more. My family had no idea I was in therapy and I was afraid they would find out and that the ER would lock me up. It's a long horrible story which I have posted on here (from June 2010-August 2010).

He later cancelled that last appointment and terminated me via email. I was banished forever. He left me alone with no T on a weekend. He was unethical and I could have had his license suspended but I was in such deep trauma I could not even think.

I interviewed 5 Ts before deciding on my current T. I saw some of them for as much as ten sessions. I knew what I needed and kept looking. My current T has saved my life. It took years but we have a good relationship. I love him dearly. He is smart, wonderful and not afraid. I see him twice a week.

And so I shared this so that you can avoid my mistakes. I am sorry I did not leave first. But I was SO attached to my T and I believed he would never hurt me like that even though the red flags were all over the place.

I would suggest that you see a Consult T to get some clarity about this situation. I think you and your T are at an impasse right now. I also read an interesting book I would recommend about Impasses in the Therapeutic Relationship by Sue Elkind. This is a topic that you don't find much info on. The therapist community shoves this under the rug but you will find a number of people here who have lost their T's and some never even knew why. I never really knew why he tossed me away like that. My current T says I'm an ideal patient, although I can be challenging. He loves that and sees it as a positive. I never broke a boundary, paid my bills on time, was never late or never cancelled and I participated fully in therapy. To this day I never found out why.

I hope this didn't upset you. I want you to know that I understand all that you are going through right now and the feelings that are being stirred up about abandonment. Maybe your situation is not comparable to mine but it's good to be informed. That is why I suggest a consult T and reading that book so maybe your T relationship can be fixed and go on to be productive.

Please feel free to ask any questions.

Hugs
TN

Sometimes we do all we can, and it isn't enough, and never will be enough.

(that last post shook me up a bit, too)

Peace to all. I just want to see all those who make so much effort to be sincere, compassionate, and whole.. experience some real peace.

(((((TN)))))

I am speechless at what you went through from your old T.

It was hard to read, there were are so many things in what you wrote that I feel is happening with me and my T. The hospital part really scared me, my T knows how I feel about going into the hospital, and in the back of my mind a small voice keeps saying this is a card he will play to push me away.

You never got a answer from your old T when you asked him straight out what was wrong? That you felt a shift in the relationship, he never answered you? I have asked so many times, he keeps saying nothing on his end, and pushes it back to me, that I'm projecting.

You have given me so much information, I can't put it into order yet. It's scary what you wrote. How do you get a consult with another T on your T? I didn't think they would do that, go against how another practices? Are there therapist that just do that, do the consults on other T's?

Hi stillhealing...

It truly was a nightmare for me and I'm sorry for having to relate this to you but I would like to have you avoid what I went through and education is the best preparation for dealing with these issues in therapy.

The cop that came to my T's office was really nice. I refused to go with him because I kept insisting I was not suicidal but they had no choice. They did allow me to call a friend and I rode over with her and the police suggested it would be helpful for my T to come as well. With those stipulations I agreed to go. My T totally wimped out and there was NO ONE with credential at the ER to assess me, just a phone worker who insisted I must be borderline and suggested some powerful meds for me to take (she was way out of line and her depth with this as I knew more than she did). My T would not have them hold me so they let me leave with my friend and a promise to consult a "P" the next day. Yeah right. I never did. I was traumatized and unable to function.

After six weeks of searching and interviewing I settled in with my current T. He was aghast at my story but I was lucky in that he specialized in failed prior therapies but he said he had never seen the level of trauma and abuse that I had experienced with another T. I never got a "real" answer from my oldT about why I had to leave and why so abruptly and why did he then terminate me via email.

My current T believed that oldT got scared for a few reasons and just cowardly ran from me. He was incompetent and may have had feelings for me that scared him. My current T has said over and over that I did not need a trauma T, just a competent T. My issues while serious are not on the severe end of the spectrum. I function in daily life, do not have borderline, only complex PTSD (which my oldT added to).

As for meeting with a consult T. I never did that but wish I had known it was an option. Others on here have used consult T's (I can think of Liese, scared to risk myself and incognito who have done this). I would not tell your T at first. And yes, there are some T's who just do this work of handling impasses in the T relationship but I don't know how you would find one near you. You just tell the T that you are having issues with your current T and need to have a second opinion. Be upfront with the consult T. I really wish I had done this as I think it would have helped me to walk away before getting so badly hurt.

I would also try to get a copy of the Sue Elkind book off of amazon.

Take care,
TN

I'm glad your sharing this with me, but I do have to say I'm finding I have more confusion. I know this is on me, trying to work through this! I am horrified at how you were treated by your old T, how he can say he is a therapist is beyond me, no matter his problems, or perceived problems with you he should of handled it better!!

I'm going to get that book, I'm just finishing up a book now, so hopefully it will help.

I checked on therapist in my area, some have their listings on their area's of specialty and have therapist consultant listed. Is this what I should be looking for do you know?

I feel frustration at my T for the things he has done to me, and my inner voice has been yelling for me to see the warning signs, it is just so hard to walk away. Then today he goes and does something that he would of done as my old T and that is he called me to ask me to come in today he has been taking a meditation course and purchased the material and feels I can greatly benefit from it. So I did go, and he did a mindfulness meditation with me, and it helped calm the inner torments I have been having lately. He gave me some print outs of other meditations and the corresponding cd's so I can do this work myself and learn to calm myself down better in everyday situations and related to all the trauma.

So we go from frustrating exchanges, non communication in sessions for months, and then something like this, it is comfusing!

((SH)) you have done a lot to mend things and move forward with your T and it sounds like he has too. And this is the first in 6 years you are seeing red flags? Maybe it's just been a rough patch. Good luck moving forward. Keep standing up for yourself! You really seem to have turned things around with your T. Trust yourself in regard to the anger work. You know best.

((TN)) Thanks for sharing your story. I had something similar with my old T, and until joining this forum last month I thought I was all alone in it. For years I thought that if the people that knew me best (my ex-husband and my therapist) both were being emotionally abusive to me, it must really be me and not them. I just couldn't figure out why or what was so wrong with me. There was somethibg wrong but after too long and too many crazy experiences with the T, I knew it wasn't me.
I don't understand why some Ts do that abrupt termination (while blaming the patient's condition). Its really harmful psychologically. Most of the therapy Ive had has been to either fix or recover from bad therapy!
A couple of your comments reminded me of stuff with my T. The first time she terminated me she did it by letter and would not return my calls when I wanted to talk about it. Finally after 2 months of calling every other week she agreed I could come in to talk. That session she told me I was very smart, she'd found that out! She said it in a tone that implied this was something that annoyed her. That confused me. She also said I wanted to be in charge ofmy own therapy. Again from her tone, that was a bad thing. This also confused me since I would follow all her suggestions and was more of a follower than anything.....I wonder if your old T felt that you were too smart and too much in control too. You said the roles were reversed that way. My T hasaDirector type personality and needs to be right. It's pretty much her way or the highway and she would get it into her head that I wasn't doing stuff her way just cause I was smart. I think she had to be in control and have everything go by her plan or shed panic. That's my best guesses anyway.

My heart is with both of you. KD

Well I made contact with a therapist consultant, I called him this morning, he just called back and I told him what I was looking for him to help me with, and he says he absolutely can hear me out and help if I'm okay with that. I see him on Tuesday afternoon.

Feels like I'm doing something wrong, know I'm not, but why do I feel this way then!?!

((SH))

I do hope the consultant can give you some helpful input.

I went to a consultant about a year ago, and he was very helpful. The circumstances with my T were a little different than yours, but I still felt I needed a consultant.

In my case, after a few sessions, he strongly suggested that I continue to see my T of 7 years and really work it through with her.

I don't know the outcome yet........we are still working on it. but I don't regret continuing to see her.

All the best to you,
Blu

Hi stillhealing...

I'm so glad to hear that you found and called a consult T to help you sort through what is going on with your T. It really does help to get an outside, uninvolved view of that is causing this impasse with your T. I wish I had known I had this option because, even though I'm sure the therapy with old T would have ended... maybe it could have been less traumatic for me. I told my T a little about this situation and what I shared with you and about the consult T. He said I did absolutely the right thing and he also told me he was glad that my bad experience could maybe help others out there. He happens to be one of those Ts that do consult work.

You may feel like you are doing something wrong but you are NOT. You are not bound to confidentiality only your T is. And you are doing a good thing in looking out for yourself and taking care of yourself.

If I can help you in any way or if you have questions please ask away. And let us know how things work out with consult T.

Hugs
TN