I called her less than a week later
The thing is...this is maybe the hardest time of year for me. We are still in a drought here, and the temps have been above 105F almost every day. Several of my activities are on break for the summer so I'm less busy.
On top of that...I heard something on the radio last weekend that really disturbed me. It had to do with horrible atrocities that were perpetrated during WWI and WWII, and it described some of it VERY vividly. Yet I couldn't turn the radio off. I was left feeling chilled, disturbed, physically nauseated, and horrified by the whole thing, and I couldn't seem to shake it off. Worse, I went to that place of questioning what kind of universe I live in, in which things like that just happen.
Although I feel like there is something wrong with me for being so affected by something I heard on PUBLIC RADIO, for crying out loud, I was still struggling with this the next day. Then I unfortunately got into a fight with my H in which he said, "I can't believe you're more worried about something that happened 100 years ago than about my present concerns." That...well, it really hurt.
So, there I was sitting in T's office a few days later, no longer in the thick of the horror but still recovering. And for some reason she was being REALLY chatty. She had me sign some new thing for health info privacy, while she commented sarcastically about stormtroopers breaking into her office to check her paperwork. Then I started talking a little about how it is August and it's hard for me, how I have been fighting off depression. We talked a little about that and then she started asking me about random stuff like what books have I been reading lately, and how was my pet rabbit doing.
At that point I broke in and asked if she could sit next to me and if we could just sit in silence for a while, so she agreed. Finally I started to talk about what I'd heard on the radio, and how disturbing it was. Well, T kind of listened, but then she started to tell me how she had tickets to see a similar radio program recording live in our city. I listened to her for a minute, then I got up the nerve to point out that I wasn't actually done with my story. She apologized, so I started up where I left off. I got through telling her about the argument with H that ensued, and then we were off on talking about marital stuff, and pretty soon the session was over.
So it was fine...sort of. I was confused and in pain for some reason I couldn't fully understand. But I called her that night and left a voicemail saying I was torn because I do want to chat with her and hear about her stuff, but I don't feel like I have the luxury when I only see her in 50-minute blocks. Then I asked why I have to pay someone just to have the space to exist and not have to worry about taking care of someone else, but now I have to even interrupt my therapist to have that space?
I didn't ask for a call back, but she called anyway today, and left a message saying she appreciated the feedback and saying she was holding a slot for me next week and she would wait to hear from me if I want it or not.
I've been only slowly figuring out today what all has come up around this. I think it has something to do with my caretaking kind of tendencies. It's like sometimes I can be totally pleasant and at the same time completely invisible. T told me once that she was learning to adjust to me, because I had spent my whole life adjusting to everyone else, which was so meaningful when she said it. But to have her insert a mostly irrelevant personal tidbit while I was struggling to talk about something significant to me which I already felt was too stupid and unimportant to discuss... I think it reminded me of that whole dynamic of myself, as pleasant and capable on the surface but with unacknowledged pain, next to my ostensibly loving but ultimately clueless parents. I wasn't mad at her at all, though. Part of me, out of my own love and care for her, wanted to listen to her, chatting about what she wanted to talk about, probably a relief to her after a whole day of listening to others and doing therapy.
So I still don't know what to do now. Do I go see her again next week or give it a rest? Do I need to do more than I'm doing to deal with the whole caretaking thing? Except I hate talking about it because part of me feels like I really am terrible at actually taking care of other people, so I can't claim to genuinely have that issue
So yeah, that's the news. That, and my application for T school is now finished and will probably go in the mail tomorrow. *bites nails* So yeah, wish me luck, I may need it.
