JM

Sorry to hear that you are having flashbacks. I know how scary they can be. You need to remind yourself that they are not happening now, that you (or whomever they are about) are safe. (Says the person who has had plenty of her own, and freaked out!) Easier said than done.

About the anti-depressants. It is helping me. It helped to take the edge off the really low times so that I could pull myself a little more together. If you are lucky, the first one you try will work for you. Most people have to try several before they find the right one for them. It will take a few weeks before they really kick in, although you may feel a little dizzy/dopey at first. (that's normal for me!) My first one wasn't the right one for me, but my second one was. For my son, many, many, many tries. If you decide to use one, give it time to do its job.

Good luck and Merry Christmas.

PL

I haven't had any flashbacks - thank goodness because they sound horrible! I've been on antidepressants for at least 5 years and am hoping to be able to get off of them sometime next year. Before I took the meds though I had horrible panic attacks that seemingly would come out of no where and leave be debilitated for at least an hour or so. The antidepressants made it so I basically couldn't have a full blown panic attack (or so I was told... hmmm... placebo effect maybe?) and I haven't had one since - at least not a bad one. Hopefully meds can stop your flashbacks, I guess since they can lift your depression then you'll be less likely to have them? Is that right?

I'm sorry you are having bad flashbacks. I don't have too many of those but I do have some experience with antidepressants. I find they do help regulate my mood. I rarely feel the extreme lows that were normal for me before starting them. I've been taking them for about 16 months and have few side effects. Also, while they say it can take up to 6 weeks to get a therapeutic effect I felt different in 5 days.

good luck

Thank you everyone for the encouragment. I appreciate all of your heartfelt replies and your willingness to share your personal experiences. I have been very reluctant to go back on anti-depressants because of the unpleasant side effects I experienced on them before. I know there is better stuff out there than what I was taking (the pharmaceutical hype of the time prescribed by Any Doctor with a script pad USA) But this sure isn't good either. I can't live like this anymore. This time I will be under the proper care fo a Dr. who knows what they are doing. (I hope)

And HB,
Please don't ever withhold your posts. They are always very thoughtful and valuable. I especially loved your scientific approach which is impossible to argue with. And you say such nice things about me, gosh I'm blushing.

Although I hate to think of others experiencing anything like this, I really appreciate some of the admissions of flashbacks too. Even knowing that they lurk from my past, they are still so disturbing, disruptive and unpredictable. At least I'm not alone.

Insomnia (it's 3:30 Am as I begin typing this), flashbacks, constant headache, shoulder & neck pain, IBS discomfort, depression: What next? What more could go wrong? I've really had enough. Sleeping is often the only relief I feel I can get from my feelings and when I can't sleep it drives me crazy. I feel like I can barely stay awake right now, but all I do is toss and turn in bed with mild flashbacks, nagging thoughts and feelings streaming in my head. I swear I can't get them to stop!

I feel like I'm 80 years old lately and I wonder where that athletic woman disappeared to? I'm not working out and I'm not eating healthy. It's like a viscious cycle. I know what my T would say to that; "What can you do to break the cycle? Pick one thing and change it." I would like to say start working out, but I hurt all the time and it hurts to move. Oh and the weather sucks. You know, a year ago I was brisk walking twice a week even in the depths of snow and piercing wind chills. My friend and I used to walk a hiking trail near her house that provided excellent muscle strengthening and cardio work out. It has been several months since we did that. That's another thing I am doing is isolating myself from my friends. I just can't bear their lack of understanding to my needs. This peticular friend suggested I quit therapy since I am feeling so much worse lately. As if she has forgotten the strides I made because of it. I know she means well, but it is hard to want to spend time with someone who starts every sentence in reply to my statements with the word "BUT." It's exasperating and I've even spoke to her about how that feels and she even seemed to understand. "BUT" it must be such a habit for her because she still does it. *moan*

I am sorry that I am rambling and just complaining. But this is always someplace I feel like I can go to be heard and understood unlike anywhere else.

I just want to sleep tonight. Is that asking too much? One of the meds, an anti-spasmodic I occaissionally take when my IBS is really acting up also has a low dose (5 mg) of Librium. And here I sit knowing I have 4 hours, 43 minutes before I can take another.

One consolation is that I get to see my T in two more days. (Please don't throw things at me) However, I am already dreading the end of my session. There just aren't enough minutes in an hour.

I wish I was someplace on a warm sunny beach listening to the sound of the waves kiss the sandy shoreline. Maybe it's time for an internal retreat. A soothing technique as Shrinklady suggests. Now that I've vented enough maybe I can do that.

JM

I am so sorry you are having such a rough go of things. I have never had flashbacks, but I starated taking anti D's about 6 weeks ago. I am taking Celexa and it is finally working. It has taken away my anxiety, and have given me a generally steady feeling. I shouldn't say feeling as I am not really feeling anything. No highs, no lows, just even.

I hope that helps you a bit.

Sea

Just Me,
I'm really sorry, the only thing that makes all this worse is not being able to get some sleep. The lack of sleep just makes everything else harder and more intense.

I struggle with insomnia also but I do have some hope to offer. Getting on antidepressents did help alot with my sleeping patterns. I have insomnia much less often now. I'm not much help on the flashbacks, I've definitely had them but not to the intensity and frequency you're having them. I don't remember the effect the anti-depressents had on them. The thing that's helped the most with me with flashbacks has been doing the work in therapy, which you're already doing as hard and fast as humanly possible. But they have gotten much better over time and I have them very infrequently now and usually only when I'm in an extremely intense emotional state.

And I'm sorry about your friend, that stuff drives me BONKERS! I learned to keep a mental list of subjects in my head identified by who it was ok to discuss it with. I found different people could handle different things but very few could handle it all. Sucks, but there it is. I'm glad you can come here where we really get it. Please don't ever worry about posting too much or coming here too often, we really do welcome hearing about your feelings and how you're doing. OK? Do I need to get the HTML Slapper out? Hmm, do I?

AG

quote:

I am taking Celexa and it is finally working. It has taken away my anxiety, and have given me a generally steady feeling. I shouldn't say feeling as I am not really feeling anything. No highs, no lows, just even.

I would certainly welcome that Kats. My DR. wrote me a script for Celexa when I initially quit drinking, but being the stubborn goat I am I never had it filled. I might see what the Psyhciatrist my T refers to me has to say, but I will at least mention it to her.

It happens to be an unseasonably beautiful, warm, sunny day today and I decided to take my husky for a walk in the park shortly. I am sure that will do me a world of good and put a dent in that vicious cycle I've been caught up in lately.

I finally got back to sleep around 7:00 this morning and slept until darn near 10:00 when AG's HTML slapper hit me upside the head. Thanks -I needed that.

Thanks for listening folks!
I don't know what I'd do w/o you.

JM,

I hate insomnia. I wish I could tell you something that helps. I was taking an AD this summer that is recommended to help with sleep but it kept me groggy all the time, so I stopped.

I'm glad you were able to get some sleep and I hope you are out walking with your dog in the beautifully sunny day right now!

OW

The little known HTML Slapper Alarm clock accessory!

quote:

The little known HTML Slapper Alarm clock accessory!

You think of everything AG.

quote:

You think of everything AG.

Especially with you around to steal ideas from! (Now if I could just get that friggiin' Time Machine to work! )

Oh I completely forgot, I bought you a "How To Build A Time Machine" manual for Christmas AG! It was written by Doc Brown from Back To The Future. You don't happen to have a Delorian handy do ya?

They're coming on again. I hate them! They are so unpredictable and really throw me for a loop. Last time I talked to my T about what triggers some of them she said I need to ground myself and focus on something in the now that lets me know that was past and has nothing to do with the present. I'm like, that's good advice but I wish it were that easy. I mean I do ground myself shortly after an onset, but that doesn't stop them from happening and feeling the residuals from all the emotions that are tied in with them for several minutes and even hours. I know that is not what she meant though. :/

At my last session she suggested that we target these memories using EMDR, but I told her I didn't feel I was up to it. I guess because of the content I am afraid to go there. But here I am awake at 3:00 in the morning and have been since 1:00 AM. It's really frustrating and interfering with my life. So her words are echoing in my head "Whether you want to go there and process this or not, you are already there. It's already coming at you." I just wanted a break for a while, that's all.

Thanks HB,
Flashbacks are a symptom of PTSD that happen as sponataneous, vivid recalls of a traumatic event. They are usually non-verbal and from what I understand occur from the right side of the brain. Whereas people who do not have PTSD usually recall memories in a verbal narrative which occurs from the left side of the brain.

I notice anything from a rush of feelings, sensations, and images that feel like they are happening in the now and it is very frightening. It is a very startling and emotional experience to say the least.

EMDR is a technique that is designed to maximize the effects of psychotherapy using bilateral stimulation of the brain while processing memories and all related thoughts, emotions, images, and sensations. Bilateral stimulation can be done using eye movement, sound, or tapping. I use the tapping method by holding a tactile stimulater in each hand as it vibrates back and forth during each phase of the treatment. From a neurological standpoint this helps to process memories more fully and with less stress.

A much better explanation can be found on the EMDR Website, so I will just leave off with that so I don't do more harm than good trying to explain it. My T has been in practice for over 25 years and has used EMDR for the past few years and she is constantly amazed by the difference it makes.

Having multiple traumas and complex PTSD just seems to add a lot more time to the length of the process as a whole. Like the song "Breathe" says, it feels "like an hourglass glued to the table." So what else is there to do besides "cradle your head in your hands, and breathe, just breathe." -Excellent song btw!

Thanks for your insight HB. It isn't nonsense at all. We all bring a variety of understanding and experience to the forum that is valuable and appreciated.
JM

...seriously? _That's_ flashbacks? Crap. I thought that was just... um... Things?

JM, that really sucks. I can understand that grounding doesn't stop the badness from coming on, it just kinda anchors you while the storm passes. And the storm still comes and gets everything all wet and blow-y.

I guess... I guess it's not helpful, 'cause you don't want to feel like you do now, and feeling bad sucks. But I always like to think (particularly lately, T-less) about Progress and how it used to be. Like, it sounds like they throw you for a loop, but it's a smaller loop than it used to be? Or less twisty? S'what came to mind when you talked about your T's words rolling around for you.

Hi JM,
Sorry to hear the flashbacks are coming at you again, I know how disorienting and exhausting they can be. Just to give you hope, I used to experience a lot of flashbacks but since processing most of the trauma they happen very infrequently and usually only when I get really triggered.

The last time I had bad flashbacks was because my sister called upset about her "little sister." She was in a mentoring program and her little sister was 10 years old and was supposed to testify in a rape trial for her stepfather. My sister ended up driving her mother home from a school concert and found out that the event was not a one time thing as she supposed; the stepfather had abused her little sister from the ages of four to nine. Which were the ages I was abused. I managed to hold it together while on the phone with her because she was REALLY upset (understandably) but went into a meltdown when I got off the phone and stuff starting coming hard and fast. I mainly experience it as somatic effect and really fast flashes of vision. and physical flinching. For once I was really clear on needing to call my T, and he essentially stayed on the phone with me until I was able to get it under control. But that was almost a year ago. So it will get better.

And forgive me, I'm going to agree with what your T said. I think it's important that you control the pacing so you don't take on too much too fast and retraumatize yourself. But, the fact that these are occuring is an indication that on some level your mind has decided you can handle knowing this. Above all things, your mind strives to protect you from danger (I know you read the article) so I do believe that we don't remember until we have the resources to process it.

Having said all that, I know it sucks. That's its painful, chaotic and disrupting. But you are one of the strongest women I know, you have an amazing T and you'll emerge on the other side of this more free of your past than ever before.

AG

quote:

I mainly experience it as somatic effect and really fast flashes of vision. and physical flinching.

Oh the flinching is crazy! I almost slapped my husband away last night. I felt so bad for him because this is difficult for him too. He can be very sensitive and he's afraid to touch me now. Then the not knowing if and when and the possible expectation of it seems to make everything worse and it just escalates. It is very disruptive. It is sudden with absolutley no prelude of any thought whatsoever until I'm triggered and then for a split second and sometimes longer, I feel like it is happening and I react just as quickly.

I keep telling myself that I am remembering and having flashbacks because my mind is capable of processing it now. I know my mind and body are dealing with it already, I think I'm just trying to keep it at bay cognitively, ya know?

quote:

But you are one of the strongest women I know, you have an amazing T and you'll emerge on the other side of this more free of your past than ever before.

Thanks AG, I will hold onto those thoughts and try to absorb them deep into my soul.

I know when I processed other memories and flashbacks of a different nature, I came through ok, but there are still residuals now and then. I don't know if we ever fully clean out the attic. My T seems to think we can.

HB- I love your idea of treating it like an unwelcome guest. Like you said, there isn't much of a break with it the way it is, so I might as well deal with it. It's definitely dealing with me.

Thanks all!
JM

JM -

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time with flashbacks. I've never had flashbacks (I still have no real memory of my childhood) so I can't help much, except to say that I have no doubt you can get through this. You've impressed me with your strength and wisdom, and I'm sure that will carry you through.

I hope you can get some rest tonight.

OW

JM

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. I myself know how painful and debilitating flashbacks can be. And, it seems so confusing that they can just fly out of nowhere. Hang in there. Even though these are so painful, you have made it through before, and you will make it through again. And when you do, we will all be waiting on the other side to cheer you on.

PL

You guys are so good to me and to express such confidence in me is very reassuring. It's nice to know I have such a good support team here. I know I have to face my fears and deal with this, but I can't help but to think that it almost feels like I'm stepping into it. As if I could just hold it back a little longer maybe it will just go away. I know that's not true or even remotely possible. I know I'm having these more intensely because it's time to deal with it. You all give me the courage to believe that I can endure and work through this. I'm very grateful. Not sleeping, but grateful.

Anti depressents do not seem to stop the flashbacks for me but they do slow them down. Meaning I don't seem to have as many.

Thanks for replying WS,
I think that was a lot of wishful thinking on my part during a very desperate time. My T and I have discussed anti-depressants even more since then and I am still holding off and trying the homeopathic approach with her support. She wouldn't want to "stop the flashbacks" anyway, because they are important to understanding what's getting in my way and it is neccessary to "work through" them by processing through EMDR. Eventually they do lose their hold on you if processed properly. Within just 1-2 EMDR sessions I am not having the flashbacks at all anymore.

I am glad they take the edge off for you though. I am sorry you are having any at all. They are very disconcerting to say the least. I appreciate your input and enjoy reading your posts.

Thanks again,
JM

I had one session of emdr and it was really weird. I was surprised at how it tapped into my emotions so fast. I was sobbing. I haven't done it since though.

I don't know what is all in my past but the things I am having flashbacks over are things I already know about for the most part. My whole family talks about what happened but they are not all supportive. Most blow it off. But I don't have to dig in to find it because it's being shoved in my face almost every time I talk to my bros and sisters. They talk about it like it's an every day occurance. What's weird is I never heard any of it until recently. What I mean is I must have been blocking out what they were saying up until about a year and a half ago.

I suppose though that I still need to work through this stuff. Just settling in with this new therapist and mourning my old one is more than I can handle.

I dont' mean to turn this post into my problems. I am more just trying to discuss it. But sometimes I worry that I don't say the right things.

Bottom line I am sorry you are going through all of this.

Anti depressents saved my life. When I was younger I had severe clinical depressions. Was in and out of the hospital and took those lame old A-Ds but when they came out with zoloft it was a true life saver. I believe Z has saved my life. I would be interested to know more about he homeopathic approach. It's odd buy my new psychiatrist is also a homeopathic dr. She prescribed so much omega three from fish oil pills a day. So far I have not taken them.

I am sorry for whatever you experienced WS and that your family acts like it's an every day occurance and shoves it in your face. How hurtful! There's been a lot of talk about the poisonous family rules in other threads from time to time and how they treat us and consequently make us believe that there is something "wrong with us" and that we somehow deserve what happened to us. It is very sick and yet we manage to pull ourselves out of it. Keep doing whatever it takes. The fact that you're stepping up to face all of this speaks a great deal to your strength and courage.

I am so sorry that you have had to go through losing your T on top of everythng else you've endured. I can only _imagine_ how devastating that is to go through. I hope you are able to form a good relationship and close bond with your new T.

Feel free to speak of your feelings. Whatever you say is ok. You can't really go wrong here. Everyone is very understanding. We have lived through enough judgemental attitudes and critisism and it doesn't seem to carry over here. It's a great place to be your real self and express what you need to express wherever it comes up. You're not so different than many of the rest of us worrying about what we say. So just relax and be yourself. You're among friends here.

I know that ADs are very effective for many people. I want to give homeopathic a chance before I try them again though. I did not have such positive experiences on ADs before and the homepathic really does help. I use a Bach flower remedy called Fields of Flowers. I know there are other, more stronger things I can use under a practicioners care, but the FoF seems to keep my emotions at bay _if_ I use it when I need to. I know that taking herbs and vitamins helps a lot too. But you need to use what works for you and feels right for you.

EMDR is amazing, but it has to be used by a well trained therapist and solid grounding techniques. If I am not well grounded when I leave session I will reel for days curled in a fetal position and crying.

Hang in there WS. You sound like a valiant survivor! (((WS)))
JM

quote:

EMDR is amazing, but it has to be used by a well trained therapist and solid grounding techniques. If I am not well grounded when I leave session I will reel for days curled in a fetal position and crying.

Wow I know that feeling of being curled up in that position. That is me at my worst! I am sorry that you too have experienced that pain.

I wanted to thank u for your post. You made me feel more welcomed and you too are a warrior! In fact many of you here are encouraging me to be more brave. Thank you for opening up and telling us about your struggles. It takes a brave soul to do that.

((((JM)))))

That's a hug

quote:

In fact many of you here are encouraging me to be more brave.

WS

I am so glad that you are feeling this because this is what keeps bringing me here each day. I have only been a part of this forum for a short time, but I have felt so welcomed, encouraged and normal after reading everyone else's posts. I have had the courage to say so much more to my T because of the people here. Reading about their experiences with their T's made me see that mine has probably heard it all before and she won't be shocked or disgusted by anything I tell her. And, lucky for me, that has been true.

PL

I once looked at my T and told him how much I appreciated that I was able to tell him how I felt no matter what it was and he never denigrated me for any of those emotions, to which he replied "That's all you ever needed."

Reading these last few posts brought a huge smile to my face because despite the pain we've all been through and are still going through, or maybe because of it, that's what we're doing for each other. I'm so proud to be part of this group.

AG

quote:

I once looked at my T and told him how much I appreciated that I was able to tell him how I felt no matter what it was and he never denigrated me for any of those emotions, to which he replied "That's all you ever needed."

I bet that meant a lot to him that you told him that. I am sort of moving closer to my new T now. I have told her some new things that I thought she'd judge but she was actually sympathetic.

I opened this thread because I feel so scared today. I don't know what it is either. Perhaps an emotional flashback? It's intense. Trying to keep my heart from racing. It's so miserable.