Hi Starfish,
First I want to reassure you that you are DEFINITELY not the only one, I've dealt with flashbacks for a long time (more on that below) and I don't think I've EVER known anyone who has dealt with long-term trauma who doesn't get them. Part of the PTSD diagnosis is having flashbacks. So you're normal, at least for someone who has had the experiences you have.

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Do any of you get flashbacks? Have they lessened during therapy, or have they increased as things have been talked about and uncovered? How have you dealt with them either by yourself and/or with the help of your Ts? Do you get them in sessions and if so how do your Ts deal with that?

I definitely do, although my experience of the flashbacks has kind of been a bell curve. Before I recovered memories of the abuse, I hardly had any. Actually they took the form of fear responses and intense emotions which seemed really over the top. I just assumed I was an overly sensitive, overly reactive person for years when in reality, I was getting triggered and bringing up old emotional responses which looked wildly inappropriate because they were being viewed out of context. Once I started recovering memories, they got more frequent and intense.

I should explain the my flashbacks tend to be body memories. No sights or sounds except for a rare flash, but I physically "feel" the memory and often physically am reacting and flinching away from things that aren't there, as well as being flooded and almost overwhelmed by very intense emotions, terror being foremost. (And yes, I felt like a complete nutjob when these first started happening.) I tended to most of them in session with my T but they would occasionally hit outside of therapy. But even at their worst, I never had a flashback where I couldn't handle them. I think, internally, I need to feel fairly safe, before whatever level which "held" these memories was willing to let them out.

But as I have gone on, they have become less frequent and less intense until now I would say that if I have two really intense flashbacks in a year it's alot. As I processed the memories I became much more aware of when I was triggered. Knowing I was being triggered often allows me to take steps to soothe myself by reminding myself I'm no longer in the past and have many more resources in the present so that the flashbacks don't push as hard or become as intrusive.

As I said, I usually dealt with them in sessions which would usually consist of letting the feelings "come closer" I'm sorry I know that's a vague answer but it's more of a gut feel thing than an intellectual understanding. I think the hardest part of processing the flashbacks is because of the sense that they are happening NOW and not in the past, you often lose the connection with all of your adult resources to deal with the feelings. So it took a weird balancing act for me, of letting myself go enough to be flooded by the feelings and memories but keeping a connection to my therapist so that I could retain a sense of being safe and then be able to verbalize what I was feeling (which was an ongoing confusing struggle). I would often think of it as letting the Little AG communicate her experiences to the Adult AG so that I could put the feelings into words, and then make sense of them and form a coherent narrative of what happened to me, to make sense of myself. This process transformed the traumatic memories, into normal memories, so that now when I remember, it's like my other memories, something I recall but that doesn't kick me between the eyes. I remember very clearly hitting the point when my abuse became something that had happened to me in my past, not something I was still experiencing. (A fairly recent development, I hasten to add, in the last six months after years of work in therapy.)

My Ts had different ways of dealing with it. My first T, who I did the bulk of my trauma processing, would hold my hand when they were really intense to ground me. She would also be careful to warn me ahead of time when we approached the end of the session (10-20 minutes) depending on the intensity, so I could pull back totally into my adult self and recover so that I was able to be together when I left. When my sense of humor returned and I was able to make a joke, was usually the signal I was ok again. She also dealt explicitly with a "parts" or "voices" therapy in which I saw the disassociated parts of myself as a Little AG who needed to communicate with my adult self, as I said earlier. We would often work on trying to make Little AG feel safe enough that she would let the memories she "held" out. (I do want to clarify that these were emotional states and not separate personalities, such as you have with DID. Each part felt like "me.")

My present T tends to approach it more as a process of more explicit integration. That I need to allow myself to experience feelings that I have held at bay without seeing myself has having separate parts. I went from using the semantics of "a part of me is feeling" to "sometimes I am feeling" to help me develop a sense of a consistent self who was experiencing changing emotions. This really worked for me but I'm not sure it would have if I had not first done the work with my earlier T. When I am having an intense time with him, having emotional flashbacks, he very effectively uses his voice and will keep up a consistent stream of reassurances usually geared toward my "apparent" age. If you could not see me and could only hear my T, it would sound like he was soothing a small child. He's really good at it, so much so that I would often feel physically held although we hadn't touched. (The only touch he ever provides is a handshake at the end of the session. Strict no hugs policy. )

It's difficult and exhausting work though. Having flashbacks is, I think, one of the most draing experiences I've ever had. And especially since so many came with such a deep sense of shame. Learning to be compassionate with yourself about flashbacks is really important. I spent way too much energy beating myself up for having them, that would have been better used in processing and understanding them.

I'm looking forward to hearing other responses because in my experience, people have flashbacks in a myriad of ways and hopefully someone's experience will be close enough to yours to help you. This was a really good question, thanks for asking it.

AG

Hi Starfish. I don't know for sure if what I experience are flashbacks, body memories, or neither. And, I am guessing by you saying you would feel like you had to explain yourself if it happened while you were with other people, your experiences are more severe than mine.

So far, I have not had an episode that I could not at least outwardly control - inside it is of course very different. It is hard to name because I tend to just go away (so automatic for me) and then I am not sure what the experience was, or if it was. I think the episodes have increased and intensified since starting therapy and occur more frequently when we are doing work around the big T's. They definitely come when I am triggered.

During EMDR around certain targets, I experience physical sensations that go along with the trauma, but know that I am still in my therapist's office. She reminds me that I am and my body is remembering something from a long time ago, and that I am safe now.

Recently, I had a reaction to our separation that felt like a flashback or body memory - couldn't talk, felt frozen with fear, child-like. My automatic response was to go inside and hide. Through her talking to me, she was able to help me stay with her and in the room. It has taken me a long time to be aware of them whatever they are - I had always known something was happening, but didn't know what it was. So, I guess at this point my goal has been to stay with what I am feeling, and not 'go away.'

As I am typing this, I am realizing it probably won't be much help to you, but will share it anyway. I hope someone else has some helpful insight.

This is great - you feel like you are the only one with such a problem, you read books and still feel distant, then you post here and suddenly you KNOW you are not the only one

AG

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Before I recovered memories of the abuse, I hardly had any

Me too, I think when the feelings and memories came, they were not so extreme and I managed to deny or distance myself very well, so they did not overwhelm or interfere with my life. Then - bang! they suddenly flooded my whole being and became totally overwhelminga and unbearable. I really thought I was going mad - mad and bad, all at once

AG you say your fashbacks were mostly body memories. I get a lot of visual stuff as well as body. The visual stuff is terrifying - so real I feel I am there and seeing it, sometimes in inredible detail, seeing things that I had seemingly forgotten but know to be real as soon as I re-experience. The body stuff is equally hard for me and carries a lot of shame and causes immense difficulties for me to relay to my T. Sometimes there is just no way of putting it into any words, sometimes I am too ashamed to say, sometimes I can't connect with my body at all to even begin. AG how did you make these connections?

My T is very calm and grounding for me, she holds my hand, which I find really helpful as a link to today when I slowly come back and talks to me, reminding me of where I am, who I am etc. We slowly look back at the memory and talk about it over and over until it eventually holds no fear. We talk about my thoughts and feelings but have only been able to do that for the 'easier' memories, which amazingly have slowly started to go. She does give hugs, that is enormously helpful for me as I always carry a sense of enormous shame after such flashbacks, wonder how she can sit with me and listen to me? The hug goes a small way to show me that she thinks no worse of me and seems to act also as an acknowledgement of the depth of work being done. I am lucky that I do not have any difficult attachment issues (only that I really trust her and need her help to help me through all this) so maybe that makes it easier and safe to give and receive hugs.

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I usually dealt with them in sessions which would usually consist of letting the feelings "come closer"My present T tends to approach it more as a process of more explicit integration. That I need to allow myself to experience feelings that I have held at bay without seeing myself has having separate parts

I can see this AG. I know that the reason I am stuck with the harder stuff coming back over and over is because I've been too scared to face it and face more importantly the feelings attached to the flashbacks. I too do not have different parts, I really find it quite difficult to even connect to my child within, for fear of what I will find.

seablue, thanks for your helpful comments, so I really am not alone - it seems we are on the same difficult ground here, I certainly think you are not over dramatising - that's exactly what is needed. But how?

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My really intense ones happen around the severely abusive experiences, so they are really difficult to let myself remember and feel

I cannot escape from the big ones when they happen, but the smaller 'easier' ones I sometimes can escape from in my mind, if I do it quickly before it takes hold. My T always seems to know though and always asks 'what happened then?' even if I think I have sucessfully staved it off!

starfish

Starfish...I just want to say how awesome I think it is that you posted this question. (((Starfish)))) Even though it is so difficult, I feel proud of you.

I can't add, as I do not have any experiences that resonate with me at this time, as the "same thing" but I think you AG and Seablue deserve a medal of honor for dealing so couageously with the abuse that was so unjustly done to you. I think it takes a lot of courage to get to the point where you can even let you body remember, most likely, though I don't really understand, I either am not there yet, or my experience is different. It is something that helps me trememndously to read about, what you are experiencing with this, because certain things in my life point to the distinct possibility of some repressed memories. (Certain 'reactions' I guess you could say.) I do not understand repressed memories, what exactly they are. For me I guess they would be entirely repressed- no memory of what I would be able to call trauma. What I do remember doesn't seem like a memory, rather something I must have just 'thought happenened' but am not sure really happened, and it would be a lesser trauma. Yet, I wonder, because when some memories of emotional and faily mild physical abuse I dealt with in school resurfaced some years ago, it felt the same way to me, and now I can say with certainty that it happened, and that has been verified by others. Soooo confusing stuff. So I want to thank you for sharing your experiences especially since my P and I do not deal with this, and I am not sure I will ever be able to bring it to therapy.
Thank you Starfish and AG and SB for sharing your experiences here. I am so sorry that you would have to suffer so. ((((Starfish, AG, and SB))))

BB

Thank you BB (((BB))))

Monte,
That would be a body memory. I have a very similar reaction to being in the dark. My house has night lights throughout and is NEVER completely dark unless there's a power outage at night. I might just think it was a fear reaction but you're saying there is pain and stinging on your back sounds more like a body memory to me, in my opinion.

AG

BB
Thank you so so much for your support, somehow it's really powerful coming from someone who hasn't had such experiences and yet still knows the enormity of the difficulty. I really appreciated your encouragement because some things are easier to post than others. And yes, BB it is confusing and there are a lot of conflicting opinions about memories written that can make you truly question your sanity - but you can only trust yourself and what you remember. I am fortunate that my T will always go with and help me process whatever comes up - she always truly believes me, which I suppose I always doubted at the start that she would, when I began talking initially and everything seemed so awful and so jumbled to me, let alone to her.

Monte, I would agree with AG, it does sound like that, for exactly the reasons she said. But it's difficult to know for certain isn't it?How horrid for you. Does it go once your are inside? Does that take long? Is there a visual memory or a recalled memory or is it just the body stuff? It can feel so confusing can't it?

BTW you (and AG) are not alone with the fear of the dark, I always have to know where the door is at night and see it, know I can get out if I need to. Outside I am fine, it's just specifically indoors.

starfish

I don't think i've had any flashbacks, I remember all my abuse (age 6-15) although i do remember talking to my T about one memory and i could almost feel what i was speaking about. I'm not sure, i still struggle to feel anything but im working on it

Hev

Hev
I'm not sure what's worse, trying to recover the memories, or never having forgotten them. But either way, it's getting to the feelings surrounding them that is the difficult part. It can be slow confusing hard work, so it's very understandable that you're struggling. But I commend your courage in continuing to work on it. This is tough stuff to face.

AG

Thanks AG, it is hard work, been seeing my T for over 3 years now and im just starting to trust her (have huge trust issues) also notice that i have a bit of attachment going on as well now. I even managed to tell her that i miss her which was really difficult for me to say. So maybe therapy is working, maybe not going as quick as i would it but something is happening

Hev

Hev

Thanks for replying to the thread, I am sorry that you have had such dreadful experiences as a child, but well done for being brave enough to tackle it now. 3 years is not a very long time in scheme of things, although it can feel an eternity. It took me about 3 years I think before I trusted enough to talk at all and even then it was very tentatively. Trust is a huge issue when you have been betrayed as a child, it feels safer never to really trust anybody ever again - so I am glad that you and she are moving things onwards. Keep at it

starfish

(((((((((Dragonfly)))))))))
Don't be ashamed, I know that I have often wrestled with feeling like I was going to throw up and I don't think I experienced anything close to what you have. The real shame lies with the person who did this to you. I can not begin to imagine the level of terror you must be feeling and how massively courageous you are in facing it. I'm so glad that you've found a good attuned T who can help you. Thank for sharing about your experiences. I find it difficult to put into words the deep respect I have for you in pursuing your healing the way you do.

Actually I want to say thank you to everyone for talking about what they went through and what it's like for them. We sometimes forget that they're a lot of people out there reading who we don't even know about. This stuff is so difficult to talk about because there is always so much shame around it, that it's really important to hear that other people have experienced and felt the same things. You have no idea how far reaching the impact is of what you're willing to talk about.

AG

DF Sorry, I think we crossed posts, then I had to go out so only just read yours.

Thanks for your openness, and descriptions, it's always so hard to put it all into words isn't it? My T tells me to describe what's happening, then I realise I can't - I know and feel but am a million miles away from being able to vocalise. So it's helpful to read that the ones you have talked about in every detail have now gone and that I fear has to be the way forward for me. I think I have known it for a while, but reading other peoples' successes has really encouraged me to keep going with this difficult job.

And DF they are terrifying, so no shame in anything that happens as a result of that, it just goes to show the enormity of the trauma, backed up by your young age then too. I always feel really sick and have a fear I'm going to vomit or pass out, so I guess we are all affected in different ways depending on our experiences - but whatever we do or don't do it's all very hard and very horrid.

AG thanks always for reminding about the effect of shame - it seems so entwined with all of my therapy and stops me in moving forward and forbids me from any self-compassion or forgiveness. We work very hard to dispel and counter it in my sessions, but it still always lurks there unfortunately.

starfish

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Mine seem to have increased in intensity and frequency since I began to move from the first phase of my treatment and on to the second.I guess it makes total sense that this has happened, as before I had totally buried stuff and or dissociated.

D, I feel such deep empathy for you and your struggle with flashbacks. I am so sorry someone perpetrated such evil against you and that you are left with such painful and terrifying experiences to work through. You are courageous in doing this difficult work. Can you explain what you meant by moving from the first phase to the second phase of therapy? This comment implies that there is an order to this very chaotic and unpredictable mess called recovery.

deeplyrooted