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8 replies

flat, boring dull session

J jillMember
i hate it when you go and you really don't get anything out of it. no nothing.

rant alert!! damn, it has been SO good lately, don't know why, but left feeling crappy and that i didn't learn anything i didn't know and that i just need to pull my shit together, get over the past, i know all this stuff. and quit. grow up, quit thinking anything is going to 'fix' me and accept that fixing me is a mirage...a myth. it is really 'will power' that i need to get and shelling out big bucks twice a week could be better spent elsewhere.

f***! i reallly had high hopes and just felt bored, stayed in the f-ing adult too much and the kid didn't get heard or dealt with and she is still there, and nothing jarred her one little bit, and unless she is jarred somewhat, she isn't budging....or appearing.

damn it. waste of time, maybe something will come to me, but nothing yet. some silly relaxation stuff which just made me foggy.

i think this is all so nuts, what the blank am i looking for, i don't even know, but i did not find it today. i hate it when the kid doesn't get 'held' or talked to. i hate it.

vent vent vent...rant rant rant...i hate dealing in the here and now, so BLASTED BORING!! someone needs to help the kid!! she is there, but she has to be coaxed out to play with and she wasn't today. and that makes me feel that the time is wasted. she is ignored, i go off looking like i am making progress and i am just stuffing the kid deeper and deeper and deeper inside, and one day, she will just disappear back into the attic of my mind, and will always be this dull aching unmet, barely felt NEED that nothing i attempt can cure.

i feel her going away. i don't want her to go coz this is the closest i have come to fixing her, or attending to her, and she is not heard...not seen, so everything appears allright and i know she still is in control of my whole emotional powerboard, and it is not right yet with her. but she didn't come out to play today...somekind of irritated teenager came, thinking all that we were doing was boring. i was not even there. just some pretence of an adult that didn't really need therapy. who the blank am i trying to fool, i wish it was in a dark black room, so i could feel like i could come out and still be unseen, but dealt with without embarrassment...without humiliation. i HATE being talked to like a reasonable adult when i am NOT. i don't think i am clinging to the victim stance...i think i just need a DEEP STIR and no one seems to notice it but ME!!!!!!!!!!!

aaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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seablueseablueMember
Jill,
I am sorry your session didn't go well. It's so disappointing when we wait for our precious time and then feel like it was a waste. I know that I get frustrated with myself when that happens.

Can you try to talk about THIS very thing with her - That you are frustrated that you are having trouble letting the child part of you come out and need her help and/or her thoughts about it?

It took me a very long time to connect with any real feelings in my sessions - I know how hard it is to do - and often I still have trouble. It is hard hard work! Please try to be gentle with yourself. I have found if I can let go of trying to control my therapy (even just a little) it flows better. I believe what is coming up for you is your work. Maybe the child isn't ready....maybe she'll come out when she is?

Sorry if this is too preachy and/or not helpful.
I hope you can find something that works for you....
J jillMember
seablue, i think some of what happened, is i had such a busy day until the appt, that i was so into the adult/capable mode, that it just carried on through the appt. and we never went where i want to go, i HATE all the logic and stuff we should know, y'no, 'it is ok to have needs'...i KNOW that, i know i don't LIVE that way, but i don't want to spend so much time talking about it. i want the inner child to be nurtured. IS THIS GREEK?????

i feel like we are so early at all this, maybe 8th session, and i hate to get too critical with her, i already told her i hate long stories, and to cut those out. i guess, in one sentance...'talk to the child directly and honestly and openly, in simple terms the child can understand'...that's it, talk to the child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! geez, seems so easy, i hate to have to write my own perscription!! thanks, seablue, smooth sailing for you?? xxoo jill
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Jill... I don't have any wise words for you but to say that I totally understand what you mean because I have also had those kind of sessions... many times. I will sometimes tell my T how I feel, that I wasted a session and he always tells me that no session is ever wasted and anything I have to say is important. So sometimes it takes me looking back on a session that "I" thought was wasted to see his point. That maybe we didn't get to what I wanted to but that we did legitimate work that day.

It sounds like you really want to do inner child work so maybe you just need to lay that out there for your T to know. I have found that sometimes when I bring up or hint at stuff I want to talk about and he doesn't pick up on it....it's because he has NO idea what to say or how to handle it. We have to remember that they are only human and they don't know everything. The only way to find out it to ask.

I'm sorry you are struggling and I hope your next session goes the way you want and that your little girl is well heard.

TN
forlornforlornMember
I'm wondering if the irritated teenager was part of the little one? And maybe since she didn't feel able to come out she sent the teen instead. Sort of a "this is what you'll get to deal with then."

But maybe I'm just over-analyzing too much. You can tell me to shut up.

I do understand feeling like the time has been wasted. Especially the money. But it does seem to me you're getting closer to this T. Trusting more and feeling safe with her. So I think with some fine tuning, she will work through this with you. I know, I know, you might not want the "talk to you T about this" response. So I'll try not to push it too much.

You mentioned she was going away and you don't want her to. I don't think the little one will leave completely. If she is integrated in your emotions then she's still there. And she is probably there even more right now since feeling ignored. She's probably screaming "hey what about me?!"

I can only speak from my heart and experience on these things though, so please forgive me if I'm opening my big mouth when I shouldn't.

And please, feel free to rant here. Goodness knows I do...

(((((Hugs)))))
J jillMember
tn and forlorn, thanks for your response, yes, the inner child work, why do they sometimes seem to skirt the issue, or are they so much wiser that they are addressing it without us knowing it?? she probably is. i don't know what i am looking for. i sent her an email addressing some of this, i thought for a second it didn't go through, my kids interupted me and for some reason it wasn't in my sent pile, who knows, but she responded and i just feel sooooooooooooooo embarrassed and assinine to have been critical to her. man, i can sure turn people against me, i feel. y'no, i have no idea what i did. am i wrong to ask? i feel SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO wrong to express needs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am so blanking messed up that i can't see straight. and how i wish i would quit sending her, or ANYONE an email. i need to have no needs, to be happy with what i get...that is my programming, i feel so wrong to speak up, she is trying to teach me and i end up kind of fussing at her. i feel a trainwreck coming on. i wanna go hide in a hole, i am so embarrassed to see her tomorrow. i feel she will hate me.

spinning down the drain, jill
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Please Jill don't go spinning down that drain we need you here!

I think what you are feeling is shame which is a really tricky emotion to deal with and comes from how our parents made us feel when we dared to have any needs. It's okay to email her (has she forbidden it?) and ask for things that you need, that is a normal human desire. We are now searching for what we should have had as children. As for the inner child work, I'm not sure many Ts are comfortable with that kind of work. When I have mentioned it to my T he nods sagely, does not really comment and is probably hoping I'll change the subject! He does tell me not to hate mini-me and to be kind to her and that she is a beautiful little girl. That was so healing to hear from him. So although I don't feel that he is comfortable with the topic he does not dismiss it totally and I think he gets that part... about me not wanting to acknowledge mini-me because she is the one holding all the hurt and trauma. I am usually angry with her because she did not do a better job in protecting us. It all gets really hard and I can't even stay with it very long before I want to numb or block the thoughts.

Please try your best to stay out of the hole and remind yourself of how hard you are working on this and how difficult it is. Be nice to Jill.

TN
J jillMember
aw, tn and smiley, thanks. it helps to much just to have your words. no one else but us here on the board gets this stuff.

tn, mine claims to be an expert in inner child work, but dang, she sure skirts the issue alot. i guess she is seeing what i can handle. what i CAN'T handle is skirting the issue!!! y'no? i KNOW you do!! thanks,

smiley, i will, i will do one nice thing for me just coz YOU told me to!! thanks!! jill

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