I hope everyone has had a wonderful start to the New Year! I have been in hiding, so to speak, hashing out some things on my own, or at least trying to. So, here goes...

Currently, there is a disagreement over discussing diagnosis in person or by phone...I have emphasized that I would like to do it by phone, he has emphasized that he feels it needful to do it in person. He did say that he would confer with some colleagues as to what their thoughts would be.

He said they were of the opinion that it needed to be done in person as well. That did not go over well with me. I told him that he probably knew what they were going to say before he even asked them. I told him I thought their opinion sucked and that I thought him agreeing with it sucked, too. I asked him to please let me know why he thought in person was best before I came to my next session. He stated he was 'holding firm' and would not discuss it via text. I then said, 'By phone then.' He said he wasn't going to call. We would discuss it in session on Wednesday. He then stated that texting was just for 'touching base.'

Well, I told him I wouldn't be touching base with him anymore, that I didn't need to...that I was sure he was happy about that. I said to him that I hoped that whatever he was trying to accomplish, that he had accomplished it because I wasn't coming back to therapy. I told him he makes all the decisions and I just have to believe that he has my best interest at heart. I then told him he was deleted from my life and that I did not want to talk to him anymore.

I also stated that he knew I did not want to discuss this in person and that I felt he was being cruel by making me do so. I also told him he was the most stubborn man I have ever met.

I just completely lost all decorum. Well, this morning the reality of all that I said hit me. I thought to myself, "How could I be so mean to him?" I did truly apologize but told him I wouldn't be coming in because I could not face him.

He said that he still wanted to see me. I just told him I couldn't face him after saying all that I said to him.

I have been struggling greatly with negative transference. I think he hates me. I hate him, think he is against me. That he enjoys saying no to me. That he doesn't have my best interest at heart. That he enjoys purposefully challenging me. In my head I know this all stems from my childhood. I hate it. I literally hate it.

I am having trouble separating him from others in my past. I k n o w he is not them...but internally, my reality is different.

I don't know if or when I will go back. He needs a better client. I told him that it was truly okay if he did replace me with someone else. Someone that actually enjoyed coming to see him. Someone that was easier to deal with. Etc. etc. etc.

So, that's where I am at. If anyone knows of any articles on negative transference, I would truly appreciate the link or links to them.

Now, on to some damn attachment issues...I find this truly bizarre...you go to see someone for help because you know you are in dire need of it and then what do you do? You try your hardest to push your Therapist away...now tell me, honestly, DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE? What person in their right mind would pay to see a Therapist weekly just to push them away? It defies reason. It defies logic.

You either want help or you don't. If I really wanted help, I wouldn't be pushing him away. But yet, I do. I can talk to myself all day about how irrational it is...that it doesn't make any sense. Does my behavior change? No.

I think I am just considering leaning toward hyposis to get through what I have to get through. At least that way, not so much will rely on the 'therapeutic relationship.'

Thank you for 'listening' to my rant and thank you for any thoughts, links, replies, or even something to jar me out of this rut.

Best Wishes,
T.