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quote:So I have been avoiding the forum, as it does become a place of very deep confusion for me, with the many differing points of view. The outcome of my session, has been that a friend called me to get together, I was able to say yes, (!) and when she wanted to discuss my depression and other issues at length and give me a lot of advice about what I should do about it- I was able to say, without freaking out, simply: "this discussion is not helpful to me- can we talk of other things?" That was a huge, huge breakthrough for me. If I can say that to people in my RL, than I might be able to go out in public alone (without H) with friends again without so much fear, which would be huge for me and huge for my kids.
(((((BB))))) I thought this part was fantastic! It's really good to hear from you, but just like the conversation with your RL friend, you are not required to be here either if its not helpful for you at this time. You are doing lots of hard work and sorting right now, and sometimes that requires space. I guess I can't speak for everyone, but I would think most of all of us here understand that because we seem to take our turns that way. Don't have much else to add, just wanted to let you know I'm reading and cheering for you.
BB - It sounds like you had a real breakthrough and T really "met" you. I'm sorry it took journeying through such a dark space to get there. It hurts to hear the brokenness in your marriage...it's like I can feel it pressing down on you, so I can see why your T, who cares for you, wants to see it addressed, but I'm glad you were able to help him understand the priority of your individual session. Also, to come to a resolution on all those expressions of "waste" that have been so painful must be very relieving to you. I really relate to what you are saying as presenting yourself as much more together than you actually are. I never related it to intelligence, but dissociation in my case, but I can see why T identifies it that way...so now I have permission to feel smart too! 
Anyway, a very busy day for me with a session, work and my little brother's triggering birthday party, but wanted to let you know I'm here and glad to hear from you. ((((((((((((((BB))))))))))))))))
Anyway, a very busy day for me with a session, work and my little brother's triggering birthday party, but wanted to let you know I'm here and glad to hear from you. ((((((((((((((BB))))))))))))))))
Beebs,
so happy for you.
xoxo
Liese
so happy for you.
xoxo
Liese
((Beebs)) you've been going through so much hell and so alone with it, but you're on the way up again!!! Your T really seemed to 'hear' you as you've needed and that must be such a relief!
Be gentle with yourself ((Beebs)) will be thinking of you xo
Be gentle with yourself ((Beebs)) will be thinking of you xo
Beebs,
I'm happy to hear of this breakthrough with your T!
I'm happy to hear of this breakthrough with your T!
Beebs, I'm so glad to see you posting as I was getting a little worried about you. I didn't want to contact you for fear of adding pressure to a situation you were struggling with. I figured you were needing time and space to sort things out.
I'm glad that you and your T were able to "meet" in a place where your feelings would really be heard, accepted and understood. I am sorry you struggle so much in your marriage and that your dh is so resistant to therapy and in looking at himself and improving. But I still firmly believe that it is very important for you to work on yourself and to get what YOU need from the therapy relationship. From there you will spread your wings and fly into areas of self-satisfaction. I can really see you having a fulfilling career one day and in being able to support yourself and then who knows what possibilities there are for you...
Life can be filled with lots of good things for you Beebs and you deserve every bit of it. You have worked hard and are working hard in this and I believe you will succeed. Just remember in taking care of yourself you are taking care of your kids and family too.
I hope your T continues to be accepting of your attachment needs and offers you the support and caring you need and deserve.
Many hugs to you. You are very courageous.
TN
I'm glad that you and your T were able to "meet" in a place where your feelings would really be heard, accepted and understood. I am sorry you struggle so much in your marriage and that your dh is so resistant to therapy and in looking at himself and improving. But I still firmly believe that it is very important for you to work on yourself and to get what YOU need from the therapy relationship. From there you will spread your wings and fly into areas of self-satisfaction. I can really see you having a fulfilling career one day and in being able to support yourself and then who knows what possibilities there are for you...
Life can be filled with lots of good things for you Beebs and you deserve every bit of it. You have worked hard and are working hard in this and I believe you will succeed. Just remember in taking care of yourself you are taking care of your kids and family too.
I hope your T continues to be accepting of your attachment needs and offers you the support and caring you need and deserve.
Many hugs to you. You are very courageous.
TN
Awww, Beebs, so glad that things are looking up! I've been thinking about you and appreciate the update.
((((BB))))
((((BB))))
(((Beebs)))
I am so happy to read about this session and the progress you are making. It sounds like you are taking care of yourself by limiting contact and conversations which are triggering for you and that is great!! Thanks for the update.
I am so happy to read about this session and the progress you are making. It sounds like you are taking care of yourself by limiting contact and conversations which are triggering for you and that is great!! Thanks for the update.
BB - All I meant was that a lot of the time, people have thought I have it all together (and I would have agreed), because I completely shut myself off from the pain of my past experiences. Sometimes it was unconscious (like not being able to remember being angry or hurt, despite objectively having a pretty effed up childhood). Other times, it was conscious, like my junior year of college when after a long bout of severe depression, I just decided to not feel unhelpful feelings or let the bad things that happened to me mean anything. If it weren't for T, I would be functioning pretty well, in complete ignorance of feelings regarding my past, and only breaking down temporarily when bad stuff happens in the present. I purposefully don't show any vulnerability to others, so even if I were to tell my story to someone I didn't trust deeply, it would not involve how I felt about it. Like, when I first started telling friends about the horrible incident that happened with my H and my sister, I would literally say something like, "Yeah, I'm really trapped here, but I'm just trying to make the best choices as each decision comes up and I'll get through it." Now, in fact, the reality of my feelings, once I stopped dissociating them in therapy was, "This is so effed up! I'm trapped and I'm hurting everyone I love. It makes me sick to my stomach what my H did and even sicker to know that he couldn't even control or barely remember it. I'm so angry at God for letting this happen to my family. My sisters are going to be damaged for the rest of their lives and it's all my fault. I want to die!" So, in that case, intelligence had nothing to do with my ability to "seem" to have it together and be handling things well. It's just that I completely shut down anything to do with myself and how I felt, and would only process things from how I sensed H felt or my sisters felt and not allow myself any identity in the matter. I don't know if I'm making sense here.
Dearest Beebee,
It is really good to read this update and to know that you are - not okay, but not unsafe right now, here with us and able to talk. (((((((BB)))))) Thank you for sharing all this. Don't try to respond individually to everything, just keep resting in yourself and know that we know that you care.
It is interesting to read about your T wrote to you both. I am glad he is sticking up for you, Beebs - very glad. And I'm glad that he's telling it straight to your H. I was pleased to read that your H has made some progress. This has often happened in our marriage work - that my husband has continued to resist everything that's said on the surface level but on a deeper level is somehow taking it in, and makes changes. But I'm sorry that your H is not responding to the email or taking you up on the couples sessions. I don't know if it's like this for you, but for me being in a similar position gives me deep, awful feelings of abandonment. That I am trying to do something to make things better for *us*, but I have to do it alone, and then it almost becomes meaningless. I can understand, from that place and with everything else going on that the need for your T becomes excruciating.
Hooray that Dr ***** rescheduled promptly with you. Hooray for you asking your H for help (WOW!) and for him actually really helping you (WOWOWOW!!!!). Despite all the terrible disruption, this is real progress. I don't know if it's always like this in couples work, but our progress has always happened through times of great turmoil too. Hooray for you allowing your SD to care for you and for allowing yourself to take Communion. That is very beautiful. So many times hooray for telling your T that you needed to start with prayer, and for the beautiful prayer that brought you and your T together. I hope you will continue to do that, to focus and help you to open up together in the sessions.
I'm also superglad that the two of you have a strategy for dealing with the blanking out. And it's amazing that you were able to know what you needed with your friend, and to tell her, and that this worked. This sounds like the start of something wonderful.
And you know what? I'm actually supertripleglad that you are not feeling guilt or self-blame about the scotch session. I believe that you understand the reasons it went haywire, and why it is not a good plan for the future. I believe you understand, at some deep level, that you just did all that you were able to do in that moment. You have not run away from the results of this action. You have stepped forward and made a number of significant changes here, and I am hoping these will help to keep you safer in the future.
I think if you do as you say here - "to remember to tell T that I need to pray with him before the begin of each session, to keep going weekly, and to try to tell him that I need to work on my trust issues" that the way will become a lot clearer.
Please don't worry about 'misrepresenting' your T here. I think the reality of attachment difficulties is that as we cycle between the need to trust and draw close and the need to push away, our perceptions of our attachment figures genuinely change - a lot. There is no dishonesty in that at all. We do need to describe what we perceive from the place of our fear, and when we are able to love, we need to describe what we perceive from that place. They are different, but they are both necessary to us, both truthful, both real. When we heal those perceptions move closer together, start to become more of a whole picture, but no one can force that.
We love you Blackbird. Take care of your tender, precious self.
xxxxJones
It is really good to read this update and to know that you are - not okay, but not unsafe right now, here with us and able to talk. (((((((BB)))))) Thank you for sharing all this. Don't try to respond individually to everything, just keep resting in yourself and know that we know that you care.
It is interesting to read about your T wrote to you both. I am glad he is sticking up for you, Beebs - very glad. And I'm glad that he's telling it straight to your H. I was pleased to read that your H has made some progress. This has often happened in our marriage work - that my husband has continued to resist everything that's said on the surface level but on a deeper level is somehow taking it in, and makes changes. But I'm sorry that your H is not responding to the email or taking you up on the couples sessions. I don't know if it's like this for you, but for me being in a similar position gives me deep, awful feelings of abandonment. That I am trying to do something to make things better for *us*, but I have to do it alone, and then it almost becomes meaningless. I can understand, from that place and with everything else going on that the need for your T becomes excruciating.
Hooray that Dr ***** rescheduled promptly with you. Hooray for you asking your H for help (WOW!) and for him actually really helping you (WOWOWOW!!!!). Despite all the terrible disruption, this is real progress. I don't know if it's always like this in couples work, but our progress has always happened through times of great turmoil too. Hooray for you allowing your SD to care for you and for allowing yourself to take Communion. That is very beautiful. So many times hooray for telling your T that you needed to start with prayer, and for the beautiful prayer that brought you and your T together. I hope you will continue to do that, to focus and help you to open up together in the sessions.
I'm also superglad that the two of you have a strategy for dealing with the blanking out. And it's amazing that you were able to know what you needed with your friend, and to tell her, and that this worked. This sounds like the start of something wonderful.
And you know what? I'm actually supertripleglad that you are not feeling guilt or self-blame about the scotch session. I believe that you understand the reasons it went haywire, and why it is not a good plan for the future. I believe you understand, at some deep level, that you just did all that you were able to do in that moment. You have not run away from the results of this action. You have stepped forward and made a number of significant changes here, and I am hoping these will help to keep you safer in the future.
I think if you do as you say here - "to remember to tell T that I need to pray with him before the begin of each session, to keep going weekly, and to try to tell him that I need to work on my trust issues" that the way will become a lot clearer.
Please don't worry about 'misrepresenting' your T here. I think the reality of attachment difficulties is that as we cycle between the need to trust and draw close and the need to push away, our perceptions of our attachment figures genuinely change - a lot. There is no dishonesty in that at all. We do need to describe what we perceive from the place of our fear, and when we are able to love, we need to describe what we perceive from that place. They are different, but they are both necessary to us, both truthful, both real. When we heal those perceptions move closer together, start to become more of a whole picture, but no one can force that.
We love you Blackbird. Take care of your tender, precious self.
xxxxJones
Dear Beebs -
It's funny, I wasn't consciously trying to focus on the good stuff here. It just genuinely seemed to me that you did *so much* important, vital work after this extremely painful session to really to turn the whole thing around, come out of that frightening spiral. That takes courage and a desire for life.
I don't know that remorse is the thing to aim for here. I know plenty of people who do problematic things, feel terribly remorseful and then continue to do problematic things. It is not necessarily remorse that leads to change, it seems to me. But maybe allowing people to see your genuine humility and letting them in, accepting their help. Which is what you did here.
Love,
Jones
It's funny, I wasn't consciously trying to focus on the good stuff here. It just genuinely seemed to me that you did *so much* important, vital work after this extremely painful session to really to turn the whole thing around, come out of that frightening spiral. That takes courage and a desire for life.
I don't know that remorse is the thing to aim for here. I know plenty of people who do problematic things, feel terribly remorseful and then continue to do problematic things. It is not necessarily remorse that leads to change, it seems to me. But maybe allowing people to see your genuine humility and letting them in, accepting their help. Which is what you did here.
Love,
Jones
quote:I don't know if I have courage and desire for life. I do know that I have the desire for connection with my therapist. That's about all I seem to be able to genuinely "want" lately, and it makes me nuts.
These words really resonate with me, BB. Lately I have felt like I have lost all passion for any of my hobbies and usual interests. Its so hard to muster up excitement or interest in anything. The only things I look forward to are my therapy sessions!
How do we pull ourselves out of this???
quote:I don't know if I have courage and desire for life. I do know that I have the desire for connection with my therapist. That's about all I seem to be able to genuinely "want" lately, and it makes me nuts.
To me these are one and the same thing. You are drawn to your T because you feel the possibility of love, care, nurturing there. Those are the things that human life needs to go on.
Love,
Jones
quote:Originally posted by Jones:quote:I don't know if I have courage and desire for life. I do know that I have the desire for connection with my therapist. That's about all I seem to be able to genuinely "want" lately, and it makes me nuts.
To me these are one and the same thing. You are drawn to your T because you feel the possibility of love, care, nurturing there. Those are the things that human life needs to go on.
Love,
Jones
I agree...and from those seeds will grow the desire to seek more out of life outside of T. Right now you are planting little seeds with your T. Your T will help to nurture those seeds and slowly they will begin to grow into a tiny little tree. Over time, with care and nurturing the tree will grow larger and get stronger. What once would have toppled the tree over it can now withstand and weather. Eventually that tiny little seedling will be a big strong tree and will even be able to provide shade to others. Nobody would expect the tiny seedling to survive without nurturing or to be able to provide shade to others before it is grown. Just like the tree, you need nurturing and care and you will grow and as you grow and get stronger you will branch out.
quote:Originally posted by scaredtoriskmyself:
I agree...and from those seeds will grow the desire to seek more out of life outside of T. Right now you are planting little seeds with your T. Your T will help to nurture those seeds and slowly they will begin to grow into a tiny little tree. Over time, with care and nurturing the tree will grow larger and get stronger. What once would have toppled the tree over it can now withstand and weather. Eventually that tiny little seedling will be a big strong tree and will even be able to provide shade to others. Nobody would expect the tiny seedling to survive without nurturing or to be able to provide shade to others before it is grown. Just like the tree, you need nurturing and care and you will grow and as you grow and get stronger you will branch out.
STRM, I love the way said this...and I hold this hope for BB and everyone here.
seablue
Beebs, I don't have much to add here but wanted you to know I was thinking of you. Little, tiny steps, Beebs. Take is slow. No one is expecting huge leaps of progress (except maybe you). Be easy on yourself. I think once you are in a regular rhythm of therapy you will start to see little changes in yourself that eventually you will be able to take with you outside of therapy.
We are all here rooting for you.
Hugs
TN
We are all here rooting for you.
Hugs
TN
((((((((Beebs))))))))
((((((((((BB))))))))))) Marriage stuff came up in my session last night and I was thinking of you, a lot! I know things are hard and just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and praying for you!!!