ok - you know I absolutely adore you so if I'm blunt please forgive me...

Noooo, don't wait to see how it goes. That's how ED's end up taking us down the crazy rabbit hole.
and the feeling happier is a façade - and it's just for now. At my thinnest I was a miserable, depressed, hot mess. I was broken down in so, so many ways.

I think it's imperative that you worry about something like this. And if she does give you a hard time - gently of course - good.
Because nutritionally you are taking in not much of anything. I think an ankle biting yapper dog could consume more than that and not maintain their weight.

I say all that with affection, of course

I mean you could see how it goes, but it seems better to mention it now and deal with a little hard time than to wait until it gets more intractable and have a bigger hard time.

Why not be proactive and start looking at why it makes you feel happier now? I mean there is nothing that says you have to do anything differently right now other than start talking about it a little. But you know it is on your mind for a reason, and maybe a little intuitive voice is talking to you?

You guys are right.

Lucy, thank you for being willing to share your experiences here. I think the ED posts I've read here are why I've even been thinking that I should maybe pay attention here. I am especially struck by your classifying my food intake as "not much of anything" because after I typed it out I thought, Maybe that actually is a fair amount of food. So I think maybe my judgment is getting warped.

The yippy-dog reference made me smile. We have a little dog. Actually, we are not sure what she is--she's some kind of bizarre hybrid creature. We've come to call her a dog-cat-deer-bat-house elf-penguin. And she can eat!

Quell, your response was reassuring. You're right, there is a reason it's on my mind--several years ago I went through a period of not eating enough, right after I started therapy the first time. I liked losing weight but my therapist got pretty concerned. She helped me get through it then, though, without getting to a dangerous place. I liked that you reminded me that just verbally addressing it a little will not require too much from me, and I am not in a dangerous place yet.

My mom lost a lot of weight before she died. Like, about 3/5 of her body mass. I don't know if that's getting in there somewhere.

Anyway, thank you both for your responses! I guess I kind of knew I needed some kind of accountability. I have an appointment on Friday and I will try to bring this up with my T.

PS--(((Lucy))) (((Quell)))

I am actually feeling some relief about sharing this and hearing back from you.

((((((((Exploring))))))))

Cant think of anything useful to say... but caring.

SB

I think bring it up to your T… I am hoping she wouldn't give you a 'hard time' but help you see if the food restriction is related to anything else. A lot of people use food to regulate emotion, even unconsciously too.

There is a lot T can do to help. I've been in therapy for my ED for a while and have struggled with it for over 15 years - it can change a lot of things. The accountability does help. It can also help you explore what words/feelings may go along with the action. T and I can often figure out what I'm "saying" to myself or the world and that's a great starting point for processing and discovering my feelings. ANYWAY long story short, it's a blessing to discuss any changes in your intake whether you have an ED or not.

I hope you can talk to your T (((Exploring))) it's good to talk about earlier rather than later.

SB, thank you! "Caring"--there's nothing else that matters. Makes all the difference and the only difference in the world.

Catalyst, I never even thought of it like that--that food restriction can be used to regulate emotion. What an apt way to describe what is happening, and such a compassionate way to view it. I took the CESD-R (depression screening) in class the other day after my prof mentioned it, and my score was somewhat elevated (okay, very elevated, which was interesting because I am capable of looking happy--and feeling happy--in my day-to-day life.) Thank you for opening it up for me in this way. All right, the idea emoticon guy looks a little crazy, but I thought he was the most apt.

I've been thinking about how to talk with T about this--it's going to be hard.

I've often used food to regulate emotion... the no food - no feeling thing 'worked' for me in a sick sort of way. Also, spending ages obsessing about what not to eat, how many calories, have I run far enough to burn off that apple... well, if I was thinking about that I wasn't thinking about the stuff that was hurting me (avoidance strategy). I occassionally 'flirt' with this stuff still. And it still scares me when I get those types of thoughts and behaviours. However, I am mostly more self-accepting, feeling-accepting, what-happened-to-me-accepting, at the moment anyways.

Hope you get to talk about this with your T - once it's 'out there' is can feel a little less isolating and scary.

SB

I'm no expert on ED's but what you ate in one day sounds like a pretty decent lunch, but there are supposed to be more meals than that in a day!

The dangerous thing about ED's is that the longer you let them go, the more your brain actually starts to starve. Then you're not eating because your feelings are bad but your feelings and thoughts are messed up because you're not eating and it becomes a giant tangled up mess. That is why it's better to address this kind of thing sooner than later IMO

I'm am not in a good place to truly comment on your eating but I would like to echo BLT. It would be way better to get on top of any feelings/urges now before they invade your brain. When you truly fall into the rabbit hole it can seem so deep you can never crawl out again.

Hmmm, like others have said address it now. I do restrictive eating. Often, I am on a dangerous path and then my T. and I can sort some things out to get better stabilized. Now though, I can talk to T. before it gets out of control. I feel very safe telling her as she doesn't shame me or get mad at me, we work together to try something different.

Please talk though, it can escalate so quickly and it is hard to untangle.

I very much appreciate the responses--food for thought.

Okay, that was a little lame.

I've been trying to focus on my schoolwork for hours, but my mind keeps going to my session tomorrow. I don't want to have this conversation, but I can see that it is important, or at least potentially important.

SB, you're right that it isn't healthy for this to be used to manage emotions. I find it very comforting, though. I suppose that should be talked about.

BLT, your comment about that list sounding like a pretty decent lunch, but there should be more than one meal, made me laugh. And I suppose I cannot afford to starve my brain...at least not until after I finish this program, right?

Jillann, thank you for your post--I've been following your threads and am rooting for you. Your input means a lot to me.

RM, your comments are very helpful--my T won't suddenly grow another head and bite me with it if I talk to her about this stuff, will she? (I hope not--!!) She always tries to be a safe person for me.

Part of the problem is that I don't mind the byproduct--losing weight. Sigh.

Also--I miss my mom. I feel like that is part of this.

My appointment is tomorrow morning--I hope I can have this conversation.

May I just add thanks again for your responses. I've read back over thus thread several times, and I really appreciate the input.

quote:

Part of the problem is that I don't mind the byproduct--losing weight. Sigh.

Once upon a time that was the most important thing in the world to me.
It was all I lived for - even though it was killing me.

I think you're spot on that a lot of this is about your mom. But, Exploring, harming yourself isn't going to help you miss her any less; it's a temporary high euphoric feeling. Even that disappears after a while.
The painful feelings are still sitting there waiting to be acknowledged and worked through.

I really hope you allow yourself to share this with your T tomorrow. You deserve to have this heard.

I'll be thinking about you -

Thank you, Lucy.

This thread gave me the courage to be straightforward with my T for the first time on this issue, though she has tried to broach it with me--not sure where this will lead, but I am being honest with her. That at least gives her a chance to help me.

Thanks, guys.