Hey Yaku,


*** possible triggers CSA ****

I can identify with you on some level.

My early things like that happened between 6yrs and 8yrs.

I have boys so I did sometimes look at them regarding their size at that age and think how on earth could somebody do something like that to such an innocent child. In light of my own experiences I have almost zero trust with men being alone with children. I know it is wrong because I know not all men are like that, but for example if my husband were bathing with the children at a young age I would make sure the door was a little open and I would always come in and out. I would never let them sleep out at someones house, and I would look suspiciously close at ANY mans interaction with them. I still keep a careful eye on them and I am still suspicious of men in general. For example my one son is exceptionally good at running so a coach came to me one day and asked if he could personally train him. I was so freaked out. All I could think of was the possiblitiy of some man making his move. In reality the man was just offering to help him reach his full potential because he used to be a professional runner himself, and if it was a woman offering I wouldn't have been freaked out. I know it is wrong, but my experiences have wired my brain that way. If he was offering to train him in a group I may not have felt the threat.

As far as girls are concerned, it was just this year for example in dealing with all my issues that I was seriously triggered. A friend of mines child is 8yrs old and really small - kind of like I was - and her and I were doing some things together alone. I was teaching her to fish and it was really very sweet. Maybe it was because of the fact that I learnt to fish at that size and those things happened when I was that size, and so the activity and size of the child reminded me of myself, and it just really hit me hard. For days I couldn't get those thoughts out of my head, and I wanted to sit her down and tell her to never let anyone touch her. Well clearly I didn't do that, because she wasn't me, and I had no right or need to do that, but my mind was a mess, and just the thought of an adult doing those things to a child that size made me feel sick. It was like this instinct to protect her that kicked in, and to try and seperate "me" from "her" was difficult.

So yes Yaku, you are not alone in that. There are times that I feel triggered by innocent things, and unfortunately I don't have advice for you that would help you to avoid those triggers. They are the sort of things that have plagued my mind forever, and yes there are times when they seem to hit so much harder.

I am really sorry that you have to deal with that.

((((YAKU))))

This topic is very painful for me because I have been aware for some time now that what my children go through is very triggering for me and causes me to withdraw. I beat myself up every day for not being able to connect more, do more, be a better mother - especially with my son. I am straddled between two worlds. I spend most of my time in this incredibly anxiety ladened place of my children's needs and what I can't do for them. Then there are my needs. I had been completely oblivious to them and T has been helping me to discover them. There is always a tug of war going on inside of me as to where to spend my energy. Most of the time it's spent worrying about my children and consequently I don't do anything at all.

Since being out of school, all my son has been doing is watching TV. I ask him to do things with me but he tells me he's good. I actually cried two nights ago, had tears streaming down my face. I feel so incredibly guilty that somehow my inability to connect with him has made him withdraw completely and worry that he will live in an emotionally isolated world for the rest of his life.

I cried to him and he said, it's okay, Mom, I know it's not that you don't love me but that you don't have time for me. Uggggggghhhhhhhh. I cried some more and told him I loved him. He told me he loved me and he's been extremely affectionate with me ever since but he still won't do anything with me. I fear it's too late to reach him.

On the bright side, even though my kids are a bit older and I wished I'd gone to therapy before I had them, I do see positive changes in them, in my relationship with them and in their relationships with each other. It might take a bit of time before the changes are deep and permanent. But I do see changes and that's the important thing.

I am very ashamed of myself that I have let my issues get in the way of my parenting. The only reprieve I get from the shame is when I remind myself that I'm aware of when I withdraw, I'm working on my issues and working towards becoming a much better Mom. Hopefully none of it will be too late because it will kill me if any of my children experience any unnecessary emotional pain.

(((b2w))) Thanks for your response. It is helpful to know how vigilant you feel toward not only your own kids, but others. I find I have the same thing and mostly toward men as well, but due to some weird family thing, I will probably have a problem with women when Boo is entering puberty too. I feel sad that I am just instinctively less trusting toward men (who I don't know well personally) at church who interact with her innocently than women. But, at the same time, I understand why it is that way and I think it is common, not only because of what I experienced. It's exactly like you said, the difficulty separating me from my daughter or other young girls will arise and I have nameless anxiety about them to sit through. Thanks for the hugs and support and just helping me not feel alone in it.

(((Liese))) Thanks for chiming in. I'm so sorry this is a difficult topic for you. For what it's worth, I see someone who cares very much about doing what's best for and engaging her kids. If your kids are older, sometimes they disengage even if you the mythical "perfect mom" creature that we are all convinced actually exists out there and compare ourselves to endlessly. The fact that you are striving for more, that he sees you reaching out, will mean something in the long run. It takes a lot of courage to face where we haven't lived up to the people or parents we want to be. It's just so hard to do it without beating the crap out of ourselves for being human. But, if we're actually recognizing our shortcomings and trying for more, most of us have gone beyond what our parents managed to attempt. I try to take a little comfort there. (((hugs)))