It's not always that I have nothing to share. Sometimes I have a lot I would like to say, but lack what it takes to pull it out of myself. Does that make sense?

MH,

I know for me my posting frenzies depend on how well things are going with T (post a lot), feeling vulnerable (post a little less), feeling disconnected from the world (post some more) etc.

I am just glad you pop your head in when you do. Always enjoy reading your posts, when they come!!! Not to worry about any downtime.

I realize I am one of those who posts a lot. I think I've become comfortable with the idea that all I really have to bring to the table, to share here, is myself. Sometimes I worry that my attempt to be empathetic in this way means people think I am making everything all about me. Other times, posting here is very triggering to me...but I think the connection that is knowing and being made known to other people (even anonymous people) is worth it to me. It has made me feel less alien, a member of humanity. And if all I can offer someone is the knowledge that I have "heard" what part of them desperately needs to say, that I care enough to try to understand and that I hold hope within me, expressing my thoughts and prayers for their wellbeing, for their recovering their own human connection.

Hey MH,

I go through that a lot. I've been almost completely absent for a few months because of it and have only just recently (like, within the past few days) been posting a little more regularly. But that feeling of being a little more "okay" with posting will probably fade (it feels a little like it is already), and I'll go back to being mute. For me, it's mostly because I won't allow myself to speak. Mostly, I'll think that what I say is stupid or useless or selfish -or a million other negative things- and I will end up closing the window, too. And then I think, it's for the better.

Don't write off becoming an LCSW. I think the exact same way as you do (being too "wrapped up" in your/my own stuff to help others), but I still plan on applying to a clinical psych program in grad school. There is some small bit of hope in me that maybe I'll eventually work through my stuff in therapy to the point where I won't be so scared of..everything. I don't know if this might help you at all, but I don't think about where I might be in 5 years, because I honestly have no idea. So I try to not make judgments about who I'll be or where I'll be. Of course, that's a constant fight, but I have no other choice but to keep doing what I'm doing and to see where it leads me.

Thanks guys. I'm going to sleep on it and try again tomorrow.

Hi, MH- please don't write off being a counselor. Anytime you've ever posted to me, it's always been insightful, clear, compassionate and to the point. You have a way of getting right to the heart of things, and you are very endearing.

I (as you know) post a lot, for long periods of time- when I am, it's like ***posting frenzy!!!** and I get all spazzy about it for weeks on end. Then after awhile I go into silent mode and can't think of a single useful thing to say to anyone anymore, or anything to share about myself, either because it feels so repetitive or I feel so selfish...or something. I miss everybody here when I can't post on the OF. I think I can feel it coming on yet again for me, too, but I think I'll probably be backing off again for awhile, sometimes it just makes me feel painfully lonely, for some reason. I guess I am just trying to say in my clumsy way, that I understand, and it doesn't make you wrong, or less valuable member of the community here. It's clear that you care about people. We all have different posting habits, and it's all good, it's just whatever people can, or want to do. (I hope! I give you all permission to egg my posts if I'm wrong... )

BB

I’m glad you posted this MH – it’s exactly how I’ve been feeling. Went into lurkdom a while ago but keep reading the forum and there’s often times I want to post replies to people, the stories really touch me, but then I start typing a reply and read what I’ve written and think oh that’s such bollocks and end up logging out without posting anything.

I always feel like I have to earn the privilege of posting about me by being super supportive to everyone else, and right now I’ve become ultra self involved (lol much more so than usual I mean) because of the stuff coming up in therapy, so my ability to come up with meaningful and supportive things is well in abeyance. So thanks for posting this, it’s given me a chance to actually post something.

Right, now I think I can go post on some other threads, to practise getting back onto forum

LL

hi everyone,
this post also hits home for me, thank you MH for giving this issue a 'voice', it has helped me come forward too.
i often feel like everytime i start a post (about my problems of course) i should also explain and apologise why i'm not being supportive to others, or generally not around much... maybe it could be part of my signature (like a disclaimer) probably (more than) a bit pathetic though:

Disclaimer: I won't be held responsible for the quality or quantity of supportive posts due to the following reasons: Too self-involved with my own stuff / Feel inadequate in my ability to be supportive or offer anything useful or intelligent / Not very good in 'group' situations due to 'people pleasing' tendencies / Issues with 'trusting' others and accepting anything 'good' from others / Triggers feelings of helplessness / Not that i don't care, sometimes i care too much / I tell myself that I am selfish and it makes it more difficult having to disprove myself / I'm having a 'bad english' day and i can't find the words / Well, maybe I am selfish? / And maybe its ok to be selfish ? / Don't answer that one, i think i have to answer it for myself.


gosh, i don't know if this is helping or its making me feel like i'm coming up with more excuses!? hopefully i've made other people feel better that they are not as f&*(&up up.... no? it doesn't work that way? crap, i've failed again...!


puppet

((((( Puppet )))))

Good for you for posting! I love your disclaimer, can I use it too?

I bet there's loads of people here who feel this way, at least some of the time, so it's great being able to say this sort of stuff here. Thanks guys for being so open about it, makes me feel a whole lot less isolated.

LL

haha, puppet, I love your disclaimer...LL, I love your post too, especially this:

quote:

the stories really touch me, but then I start typing a reply and read what I’ve written and think oh that’s such bollocks and end up logging out without posting anything.

I'm exactly the same, except I just post it anyway, because it's the best I can do- similar to the emails I send T- and then hate, hate, hate myself for what I've said..often. But you know what I have discovered? And this really is amazing to me. That there is *love* here. The willingness of others to put up with me and even forgive me when I screw up on here, and when I am not perfect. And that is really healing for me. Even though it is "cyber-love" it still helps me.

I also relate to:

quote:

I always feel like I have to earn the privilege of posting about me by being super supportive to everyone else, and right now I’ve become ultra self involved (lol much more so than usual I mean) because of the stuff coming up in therapy, so my ability to come up with meaningful and supportive things is well in abeyance.

Yup- me too. What amazes me, is that even when I can't post very supportively on other's threads, I still get responses on mine. Because people are bigger than we think. Like, really, everyone isn't sitting out there going: "I hate her- she never responds to me." But there might just be less of connection there, due to not having things in common, and we all like eachother and get along anyway, and it's just really all good. I think we are learning that here, slowly. I really see this place as a supplement to my therapy- it is group dynamics, and it's something with my background, that I never could have learned without the ability to *write* in this kind of setting- the kind of setting that gives people time to carefully consider before they react to another. I really needed that! It just *slows it all down* so that we can learn that thing- getting along in a group. I love it.

Pupper, thank you for the lovely disclaimer, and may I also use it??

LOVE you guys. You are so real.

I think pretty much all of us (or most of us who are still early or midway in their journey) post from their own perspective. And, for those of you with the "disclaimer," I have those same feelings of inadequacy and selfishness regarding most of my posts. But, even if all someone can share with me is their story and a sliver of empathy, that means the world to me in what I'm going through! T noted yesterday I seem to be doing much better lately. As in, I may be flipping out, but the stuff I'm processing is so much heavier and he would have expected an even worse reaction out of me, but he is not. And I think that is because (of course the spiritual stuff probably has something to do with it), but mostly because of having others here to help me feel the humanity of my story.

You guys are so awesome. Whether it is sharing like experiences or giving encouragement, you each have posted something valuable for me to ponder.I guess that's why I keep coming back to read, even when I am mute.

quote:

But you know what I have discovered? And this really is amazing to me. That there is *love* here. The willingness of others to put up with me and even forgive me when I screw up on here, and when I am not perfect. And that is really healing for me. Even though it is "cyber-love" it still helps me.

BB, I totally agree. It is amazing to me how over the entire time I've been here, this cyber environment is continually supportive, not tearing down but building up. But I think a site like this one wouldn't survive any other way. I do feel a responsibility to give back because of what has been given to me here.

I want to specifically thank those of you who have said to not give up on being a counselor. It is something I have wanted to do someday for about 20 years now. I worry that really the desire has only been there because I have been searching for my own healing. I know I will not be a good counselor if I can't get my own needs out of the way. It is true that who knows where I might be in 5 years, and its good to just keep plugging ahead.

I love all of you who post frequently and keep this board going! I hope you never feel that you post too much. But I also want to give hugs to you, (((LL))), because I've missed you! So happy to see you make an appearance! And Kashley & Puppet, thank you also for coming here to post. And STRM, I do remember you posting about this challenge you had yourself a little while back. It is helpful for me to not feel alone in this.

You know, if I could learn to not edit so much, I'd probably post more. Instead, sometimes I find myself spending a half hour to type one paragraph. Of course, being interrupted constantly by my children or H sorta breaks my train of thought.

On a side note, just wondering what your take is on this: I just received an invite from Consult T to join Twitter. Any of you communicate with your T's via tweets? I can't imagine doing that publicly. I do facebook, but am not that familiar with Twitter. I read that the tweet limit is 140 characters max. I imagine T intended it as a way for me to send him direct messages to his cell phone, do you think? I know he accesses his email thru his phone. I might as well just text him from my phone if I'm going to do that though, right? Cuz I don't subscribe to internet services on my phone. Anyway, so tell me this isn't weird, that its probably just Consult T saying its ok to send him BRIEF messages.

quote:

You know, if I could learn to not edit so much, I'd probably post more. Instead, sometimes I find myself spending a half hour to type one paragraph. Of course, being interrupted constantly by my children or H sorta breaks my train of thought.

Can so relate! I think I may spend more time editing than actually writing my posts! Dang our Hs and children...don't they know we're busy?

twitter? confused about? my SD has mentioned in passing that he is on twitter, not facebook.


???

quote:

@deepfried: WINNING!

LOL

Hmm. Well if I can't even post here, I don't think I'm going to be updating my shallow status on Twitter very often. So I think I might pass on the invite if the only thing I'd get out of it is promotions...

thanks DF- I was always confused about it. Just status updates, huh? I think it's a bit weird that the consult T would ask you to join twitter and presumably, follow him, MH? wtf?

My status updates on twitter would be like:

Blackbird: just went outside, smoked a cigarette. It tasted gross.
Blackbird: why can't I connect with my kids?!!!!
Blackbird: wish my husband loved me..
Blackbird: just avoided yet another task that I felt too inadequate to handle
Blackbird: fuck me! why can't I get off this computer and live my life?!

MH,

I spaced out commenting on the counselor issue, but it wasn't intentional. I think you could absolutely do that and I also think some of the best T's are made by having gone through and resolved their own stuff. I know that it helps me to know that my T has gone through her own serious issues and has been in T and gets it.

Thanks, STRM. That is good to know about your T, especially because she seems to be helpful to you much of the time. I feel like my T kinda portrays this holier-than-thou attitude about it. Like, I'm probably never gonna get as high on the self-actualization hierarchy as she is, or my global functioning probably won't get as high as hers, yada yada. She says there are a lot of bad therapists out there because they haven't worked through their own stuff first before trying to help others, and that you can only bring a client as far along as you are yourself. This is the response I got from her when I once mentioned wanting to become a counselor. Needless to say, I have avoided the topic with her ever since, to the point that I have not told her about recently (finally) declaring my major in social work, after having lost confidence in my ability to be a math teacher. I am too afraid to deal with T's possible disapproval.

BB, you are so funny! But don't start smoking now, k? In truth, my updates might be similar to yours, except I'd never dare post them so publicly. But maybe on here.

MH,
I don't have much to add but I did want you to know that I've also struggled with those feelings. This week. I've been really struggling to process a connetion I made and actually went back to see my therapist about and it has felt like not only could I not talk about my own stuff but I couldn't talk about anyone elses. The truth is that there is an internal rhythm and for lack of a better term, tide to our ability to post.

I would also want to add the forum has grown and there are significantly more people posting. This means you can't answer everyone both because of time limitations (especially since so many of us struggle with significant challenges just living our lives that can take up a lot of time and energy) and because you won't always have something to say to everyone.

I really think this is another situation where it's important (but difficult I know, i am very much speaking to myself also) where we need to strive not to judge ourselves but to accept that sometimes we have things to say and sometimes we don't. Its not about not caring for other people, it's about what we have to give at any given time. If use less energy fighting it, we'll have more energy to post.

I also wanted to comment on you becoming a therapist. When I finally got up the courage to ask my T what he thought about me trying to become a therapist, I remember being really shocked at how supportive he was (and how gratifyingly swift his answer was.) One of the things I told him I was concerned about was keeping my own stuff out of the room and he told me that during internships and supervision everyone is trained in how to handle that. That we all have our stuff. But he also told me that he thought people who had done significant work in therapy to heal often made the best healers.

I think it is VERY important for people with a trauma background to work hard at being self-aware as therapists and be very quick to get help and supervision when needed, but I also think that they can bring a deep understanding of the process and what the client needs because of having been there.

BTW the reason I started volunteering at the Crisis Line was because my therapist thought it might be a good way to start since with both kids in college it will be a number of years before I could afford tuition for me. He thought it would give me a good feel for how I felt about the work. I'm really grateful he suggested it and then was incredibly supportive as I went through training, helping me to deal with times I got triggered. (Just for the record, there were at least two COMPLETE meltdown calls.)

Don't shortchange yourself. The world needs Ts who get it.

AG

MH - Just want to join the chorus. I don't think our injuries are a disqualification for helping others. I believe the healing journey we are on is an asset to being in a helping profession. T has, on a few occasions, referred to a very dark place he experienced before he pursued his Masters and PhD in psychology. I think there are probably more Ts (and in similar professions) with "serious issues" in their past than not. I have thought of going on to study psychology myself, as T thinks I have the mind and temperament for it, but it is not realistically a financial possibility for me (at least at this point in time). MH, for the record, I think you have so much to offer!!! I would hope your T would support you and help you to see it in yourself.

Wow, the more posts I read I just want to say... I REALLY LOVE YOU GUYS!

( blushing cuz its not like me to shout something like that...but I do!)

Thank you MH for starting the thread,

I'm really struggling with posting, for many reasons. Mainly because I was struggling so much with my own therapy stuff and find that difficult to share here in any detail, then feel very closed when I read others being able to be so open and so candid. Then the 'I can't say anthing that's going to be sensible or helpful to others' thought kicks in....and it's easier to just read and not post. But I do read every day all the wonderful threads and support and tell myself that it's ok to just reply as I feel able.

So thank you MH again...and everybody else too, for making however much or little we post perfectly ok

starfish

its nice to see you starfish and LL - sorry, meant to say hi earlier, lovely to see you again!

MH, i am glad everyone is being so supportive of you, those are the voices to listen to

puppet