I think this is a really interesting question.

Actually being understood is a process. Someone might partially understand something the first time you explain it, but you may have to go back and forth clarifying several times before a good understanding is achieved. It means there has to be patience on both sides.

I think people who grew up in a fairly understanding and attentive environment would tend to have a sense of confidence that most people are capable of understanding them, and that if they stick with it they'll eventually be understood.

Those who grew up in abusive, ignoring or invalidating environments tend to assume that other people don't, can't or won't understand, and as a result they often give up prematurely or take to desperate tactics (acting out, yelling, etc.) instead of patiently bearing with the process of coming to a place of understanding with another person. This then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as nobody understands them since nobody is even given half a chance to understand.

I get really triggered not feeling understood. Which is definitely a big "life lesson" for me, when my career is considered.

I know when T understands, or I feel she understands in what she repeats back, or when we explore… it's sort of like understanding 'together'. A lot of it is in how she sets her tone, mirrors me, and it's sort of a visceral feeling I can't describe.

I think too, a major part of being understood is being 'heard' and differentiating that being agreed with, or changing someone's mind is not the same as being understood at all. I tend to mirror the communication style of the person I'm talking to (not on purpose) but I think, too, that if I understand others then I know more if they understand me (you can hear/see/sense it that way in how they ask questions).

I dunno… it's an empathic… like 'felt gut sense' thing…. maybe I try not to notice? I don't know. Interesting question.

Hi TAS

I think I tend to believe others wont understand and like BLT said I give up prematurely, close in and close down. Then feel that isolation (again).

I guess most T's work to try to understand their clients? There is a feeling of relief when someone 'get's it'. I think that is why forums like this help, as it takes less to explain how it is, others on the forum 'get it'. To be understood by a T takes courage - because you have to risk being open, honest and say things that are totally scary, possibly more than once and in more than one way... Maybe it's worth remembering that if a T doesn't understand you that might actually be their issue, their lack of training, their lack of insight or empathy? It might not be you - or me!

Good luck

SB

hmm, interesting questions TAS!

I think being understood by my T was very important to me. In the situation with my brother (which is what I spend most of my time talking about), I was never understood. My parents continue to not understand its effects on me. So, being understood was/is huge.

What it means to me is that she asks questions, explores topics, and remembers things. She really remembers, which can be so healing. I once brought up something she had said about a year earlier..that I was still caught up on and struggling with. We had never gone back and talked about it again. So when I brought it up, she took herself right back to the conversation and clarified what she had meant....and also explained where I was at the time and why I was caught up on it. In that moment, I know that she really understood me. Also, it is often hard to talk when I'm feeling shame or whatever. She talks a lot of the time in some sessions. She just continuously demonstrates that she understands me and where I could be coming from and what my needs are in the moment. Obviously she's not perfect, but she's has shown more than a basic level of understanding. I do think it takes time to be truly understood and it takes a certain level of openness or perhaps trust to let the T in so that he/she can understand.

I actually remember the first time I realized she actually understood me. As I was getting up to leave, I randomly said, 'thanks for understanding me.' She said, 'I do. And thanks for letting me know you.' It's one of my favorite interactions...really brief and small but it does matter.

I'm curious - what is your idea of what it means to 'be understood?'

Erica, thank you for sharing your perspective. It brought tears of understanding. Words I have not been able to articulate myself.

Also thank you everyone for your input. Feeling understood is important and without it how can one move forward.

((bluesky)) I actually feel like I didn't quite articulate myself as well as I had wanted to. It's a difficult question to answer! I think a lot of it comes from feeling understood, which is hard to write out. But thank you!

I actually just talked about this in my session this week. Last week, my T had said some things that made me feel dismissed and minimized. I left feeling tons of shame and feeling so dumb. So I talked about that with my T...how I felt like, why should I even be bringing this up? She said that she missed the mark and wasn't understanding me, wasn't attuned to me. She sort of said her intention, but also said that her intention was not important and did not matter. How I felt...ashamed and ridiculous...was what mattered. She asked if I was disappointed or hurt by her misunderstanding. She said that I trust her and she ultimately misunderstood. This stuff is so hard. It only takes small seemingly insignificant things to feel misunderstood. But talking through it, she wasn't defensive. She sought to understand where I was coming from..reasons for why I took her comments the way I did, when most others probably would not have been so ashamed.

So I guess the point here is that sometimes we have to guide our Ts to better understanding if they are missing the mark. I still feel shame and now anxious over her comments that I trust her but I guess it was a good session. THIS STUFF IS SO HARD!!

((TAS)) what are your thoughts on this?

(((TAS))) This is a fascinating question... I had to give it a lot of thought. I realized that my view of being understood always comes from the interactions that follow having disclosed something to T or anyone else really. Specifically, if in future conversations they say things that really trigger me.

To explain that a little better, I'll give a couple examples. I feel like the two people who understand me better than anyone are my husband and my sister in law, mostly because they understand what triggers me, and that makes me feel like they understand me as well as another human possibly could. If a commercial or song comes on that shows a father and daughter, I know from experience that either my H or SIL would change the channel to protect me from getting triggered. They are careful in conversation to not say things that send me in a spiral, which makes me feel like they 'get it'.

On the other hand, another two examples of like my last therapist would talk about his own daughter, with the knowledge that my dad was abusive and I never got that good relationship with a father. It made me feel like he didn't 'understand' because I felt like if he did, he would make the connection that I would be triggered hearing that.

Or a friend I've recently disclosed my trauma to, she made a joke the other day asking if I was having a nervous breakdown over something stressful I told her happened that day, (that's just always been her weird sense of humor) and I felt like she didn't 'get it' that joking about that felt hurtful and triggering, because there wasn't a connection between my disclosing my trauma and wondering how she really viewed me when she joked about stuff like that.

I don't know if that's really the best way to view feeling understood, but I guess I've come to realize that's what it really means to me.

I love the replies...they definitely get me to think, outside of my point of view.

I think if someone understands they should KNOW me. They should know what I feel and what I think. I think this is somewhat unrealistic and this is part of the reason I asked the question to read and take in another's idea of what it means.

I liked the idea of understanding another is a process. It takes time and it is done in increments. I also like how someone said it is about being heard.

I tend to think if someone understands they agree with me. The Therapist will not bend on a rule and I think he doesn't understand me. I believe he truly doesn't understand me because if he did he would change his mind about the rule. Probably more distorted thinking but I truly believe this...don't worry...I am sure by the time I am done with Therapy (2025) it will have been dismantled.

I also think if someone understands you, you shouldn't have to tell them what does or does not bother you so they don't do it. I guess this just stems from not having a Mother, most Mother's are very in tune with their children and know what they need or want.

I'm sorry I did not reply individually to each of you. I have been between classes and sporting events. I was surprised when I checked back in to see how many replies there were.

BLT, Catalyst, Sapphire-blue (love the name),Erica, Smilingpenguin, blue sky and Armored Heart Thank you for replying.

I asked this question in hopes the replies would help me to broaden the definition instead of strictly sticking to what I think it means. Thank you so much

From the heart,
T.