Hi Freud,

Are you a woman? I'm just asking because I wonder how much of it has to do with the mother-daughter relationship. My mother was much more involved with me in terms of what I was doing on a daily basis and made a lot more of the parenting decisions. Of the two of them, she was leader and well, you know how people feel about leaders, especially when they make decisions you don't like. My Dad was much more passive and seemingly happy go lucky but didn't take any responsibility for or discipline us kids. She ran the show. He went along for the ride. It was much easier to like him and resent her.

I just asked my T today why I can't take my mother out of my mental equation. I threw out two ideas that I had come up with and he thought it was because if I took my mother out of the equation and forgave her, then I'd have to feel MY pain. If I keep her in there, it deflects the pain away from me somehow in that the focus is on her and how she won't give me that validation that it was really bad.

So, in my case, my T thought it wasn't so much that I'd blame myself but that I am protecting myself.

It hurts me that you feel as if you forgive your mother, then it is your fault. (((((FREUD)))))



Liese

quote:

I think part of working through it is thinking about it, trying to understand, noticing the differences... .

Catlyst, I think your right,I forgot that answers never come without some mental somersaults.

Liese, I am female, I think your right also in that forgiving will then leave me with the full impact of what happened, alongside my own fears of being "bad".

My T said my views on men, ie they can be forgiven becuase they really dont know any better versus women really SHOULD know better was instilled very early in me by my mother. This has certainly turned some of my beliefs on their head! but thats therapy I guess.

Freud,

I had better relationships with the men in my family although my brother turned out to be quite dangerous in general and violent towards me. As I developed relationships outside of the family, I think I gave my trust away to men automatically even though I shouldn't because the men in my life haven't been as trustworthy as I think they are on some emotional level. Does that make sense?

I had forgiven my father quicker than my mother. Despite my father being the overt abuser and my mother's abuse was much more in the form of neglect.

My therapist said it was more obvious/simple the dynamics of my father's abuse but my mother's relationship with me was more manipulative, entangled and complex. My father also took responsibility and my mother was more in denial over her role for years later.

I think I also had higher expectations of my mother.

Liese: Curious are you and your brother close in age?

Funny I had a dream last night that I was involved with a "gansta" type man and I felt deep love for him but didnt want the crime he was invovled with, couldn't live with it and was torn between staying with him because of my love for him and doing what was right regarding the criminal activity he was involved with.

Talking about this in therapy has certainly made me take a good hard look at my reactions regarding males and thinking about what message I picked up from my mother regarding men and what I really think/feel.

((((FREUD))))

Interesting dream. God, I love dreams. They are so illuminating, aren't they?

I was wondering what messages your Mom gave you re: men. I thought your father was just as cruel as your Mom. Hence, he committed crimes as well but you loved him at the same time?

Interesting that Laura's therapist said her mother was more manipulative and complex while her father's abuse was simpler/more direct. That rings true for me as well.

Laura, my brother is 6 years older than me.

xoxo

Liese