Sheychen,

Glad to see you post.... Glad to hear no T lady will see you for 4 sessions .... Sounds like you are doing okay .... Keep posting ...

(((( Sheychen ))))

I’ve been reading how things have been going for you and I’m sorry I haven’t been around to post the support you SO deserve. You’ve had one hell of a time since C dropped that termination on you - and I want to say I really admire you for the way you’ve handled her, and the psychologist and generally going all out to find yourself the help you need. Good on you!

I’m also pleased you’ve managed to line up at least four sessions with no-teaT (lol love the way that sounds - and considering this is England you’d think a cup of tea wouldn’t be THAT beyond the boundaries *sigh*). Still, I suppose you’ve been confronted with a definite boundary straight off - in one way that gives you some idea of her approach.

Just wanted to post to wish you really well with your next session with her, and fingers crossed that she will be the right T to help you get through your stuff.

LL

Thanks both LL and Liese,
Yes I am doing quite well, I do so much better when I am doing my meditation and mindfulness practice, which I am very strongly trained in.
I feel in a good place right now, in that the small child issues and feelings are just not here, at ALL.
I know they will come back once I start therapy again and yet I am hoping the no T T - because she is also buddhist trained, will REMIND me to use the vaster parts of the vast mind so that I do NOT get overwhelmed.
I am still grieving for the C - but it does not hurt like a heart break hurt - more like a loss that throbs now and again, but of course it could be that I am just a bit switched off as I have no T at present. She and I DID work for 16 months intensively so it would be weird if I could recover that fast. I think it helped me that I lost respect for her and saw that she was not the sort of T I needed, she does not have the depth. Did I tell you that the psychologist admitted that he has only had 14 session of therapy in his entire life!! My god, no wonder he only thinks I need to see him once every two weeks for one year only.!!
I also have been reading "get me out of here' and account of BPD, and that at first really scared me. fortunately I do not have either BPD or DID, just PTSD from early years and later, which have caused some interesting foundational issues, but reading that book was awful in that she is really out of control and yet, she also does things (more extremely by a long shot) that I do, - so it was VERY scary reading. And her P sticks by her,and can contain her and keep her on track really well. My C just was all over the place and her favourite hobby was to point out what SHE thought I was doing, when I wasn't. And she did not like me getting angry and my anger was simply pointing out to her that she was not doing a good job and why ( I know a lot about therapy) not just rant and swear at her as an enraged toddler. I was usually just frustrated that she could not and would not admit her failings and that I was going under. The major disagreement was over interim contact and support. She insists that attachment issues only see a C for 50 min once a week and NO interim contact no matter WHAT the emergency. that made things MUCH worse for me. In the end it meant that therapy and respect broke down.
Oh well, it has been an interesting journey.
I plod on. Feeling better at the moment. Thanks for reading and keep posting comments back, I truly appreciate them.

Hi Sheychen ... you sound so terrific ... and really on top of things ... I question it too sometimes when I recover quickly from something that I think should cause me more trouble ... I'm not sure but maybe recovering quickly is actually the healthier option sometimes ... not comletely sure about that because we don't want to slip into denial and suppression ...

anyway ... your story just confirmed for me that when things don't work out, there usually is a reason ... we may not understand the reason at the time ... but it's usually not our fault ... there were 2 players involved .... you know you are a good person and you were just going for help to understand yourself ... and I know I think these therapists should know everything and really be on top of their game ... but they are not always ....and maybe that's where the trust-in-self issues come into play .... so sometimes we just have to let go and hopefully the reason will become clear in the future .... I actually have been thinking about this a lot lately ... and enmeshment issues ..... and that when we accept us as who we are and they who they are, we see that the reason it didn't work out is because we are two separate people with different goals .. not going to the same place .... and that's okay ... she just wasn't the right person for you ....

I can't believe the psychologist had only 14 sessions of therapy .... that's really unbelievable ... I am going to ask my T tomorrow about his own therapy ... (he seems mostly on top of his shit ... but questions loom large) .... anyway ... stay clear there ... i would really only want to go to someone who has gone themselves extensively and continues to go or periodically when they have an issue or for a tuneup .... I'm raising my tea cup to you for asking all the hard questions and doing your research!!!!

I checked out Jon Kabat Zinn and he looks amazing ... I can't believe you actually got his ear for a little while ... If you want to share the conversation with us, I would love to hear it ... but only if you want to share ....

I also just ordered his book ... I really like the title, it reminded me of my life with my adorable hubby, the one I want to run away from sometimes .... my husband's office rent just went up $100.00 and he called me and said, it's time to move the office again ... the rent went up ... and i'm thinking, you have a great setup ... in a great location, 10 minutes from home ... you share space with terrific people .... you probably spend at least $100.00 a month on lunches .....It would cost you $1200.00 to move ..... I didn't say that but what I said was ... no more upheaval .... if you want upheaval, go to therapy .... and he said "Okay."

Hi Sheychen... I somehow missed this thread yesterday but I am so pleased to hear that you seem to be doing well and that you will be seeing the no-tea T for at least 4 sessions to find out if you are a match. I think this is very good because there is no commitment and you have the time to explore the relationship. One of the Ts I saw prior to newT said this is what he does too. I saw him for 3 sessions and then left basically because of his limited availability (only 1 night per week) and he never offered outside contact which is SO important to PTSD sufferers. Well... I do hope you find you are a match with noTT.

And yes LL... I would think in England a cup of tea would be no problem for someone. Sometimes I swear that they just resist acting human (or humane) for some weird reason.

When I first began therapy I had no idea a therapist's own therapy was so important. I just figured Ts were just super-mentally healthy people LOL... how silly was I? I never asked oldT but I am almost positive he never had therapy and he obviously DOES have issues that need to be addressed. NewT told me quite openly that he has had years of therapy while in doctoral training. I was relieved to hear this.

A former poster here used to be a fan of Kabat-Zinn and I looked him up on line and found him interesting as well. David Wallin who wrote Attachment in Psychotherapy is also a huge proponent of mindfulness and I was just starting to be able to do that, especially when faced with upsetting situations in regard to my therapy and my T and was so proud of myself. In fact, I had just related a major breakthrough in the use of mindfullness in coming to terms with something that upset me about my T and I told him this and then he made the famous statement about me losing him. OMG...I have NOT been able to use mindfulness for anything now because it reminds me of that day and I wonder it there is some connection.

Eighteen months is a long time to be with a C or T and of course you become attached and they become a part of you and it's so hard to see all that plus the hard work just vanish. I'm glad you seem to be able to work through this. It sort of makes me feel like what is wrong with me that I cannot. That I still shake with anxiety all the time and the pain is so strong I cannot think straight. Maybe it was helpful to know why you had the breakdown with C and that she told you some reasons. I still have NO IDEA why one day my T decided that I needed to go and then cancelled my last appointment. Oh sure I can guess but it's the not knowing or understanding why this all happened that is contributing to my panic and fears. I fear doing whatever I did again with newT and how can I change if I never know? It's truly like torture. The only thing he ever told me was that I needed to do this for my own good. WTF? I was improving and blossoming with him (as others in my life noticed and told me) so why was not staying with him good for me? I will never understand this.

Good luck with the new lady Sheychen. When is your first session? I hope you will come back and post your impressions of her and how she handled your questions and what she talked about.

Take care,
TN

Sorry to hijack, sheychen ... just want to send a quick message to TN ... try not to compare yourself .... you have your own pain ... and you will work through it in your own time .... and even though the situations were similar, they were not identical .... Sheychen's C, I think, handled herself in a slightly more dignified manner than yours .... at least sheychen's didn't call the police on her .... do you agree?

It sounds like, and trust me I'm not expert, but that you were forced to relive some trauma by yourself and therapy should never be about that .... He handled it so so so poorly ..... IMO the way he handled it says a lot about him and the lack of tools and skill he has in managing himself and his feelings and his clients .... FWIW .... I know you find it hard to believe .... Be patient with yourself and try not to expect too much (at least that what I tell myself) ....

and maybe one day, it will be clear to you why things didn't work out ... they just aren't now because the other person holding the key won't communicate with you ... Sheychen was lucky to get a clear firm and I think honest answer from her C .... you haven't been so lucky ..... which has just left you to speculate and ruminate and do all those bad things to yourself ....

Seychen

Glad you have 4 sessions with no-tea-T...maybe her firm boundaries will in time be helpful for you and make you feel safer. Be sure to pack a thermos though with that much needed tea, before you trek back over the moors home. I think I and a few others here can relate to long journeys to and from T sessions, do take care driving.

Oooo Kabat-Zin, H has a pile of his books and usually one on the go at any time Any advice from him would have been sound I am sure.

Good luck with your first session,

starfish

I have posted my conversation with Jon Kabat Zinn on my blog just now - the little I remember of it, I talked to him for quite a long while, two sessions of 15 minutes or more.

I shall pack my thermos, SF, when I know when my next session is.

Liese, Jon's CD's are great too, really good for practicing with.

TN: I found ending with my other T's more traumatic, I truly think it is because I have evidence and truly know she was not as competent and well trained as she needed to be,and the T I was missing in her, was my own projection onto her, which was not the real her. Yours is more complex from what you say.

I am not sure this no tea T is going to be good enough, but also I have a very famous and well connected P who is a colleagu, on my case, looking for just the right person up here where I live, so hoping that will turn up something eventually.

WOW ... I just read your post.... His words are very powerful and meaningful to me ....

When I went to my current T, I told him how I used to like to do this and that as a child before all the pain ... and I yearned to connect with that child and be that person that child would have been if I hadn't encountered all that pain ... and he said to me ... but that is all a part of who you are ..... And I was very upset to hear that somehow we couldn't go back and access that exact person I was and recreate me now around all the pain .... but I told him that I appreciated his comments ....

I think I have always denied just how much pain I am in ... I just wanted to be normal, like everyone else .... why can't I be normal? And, so, I have just recently said, well, yeah, I can't take away the past .. it is MY pain .... and I have to adjust my self-image to include that pain .... and maybe grieve for that child ..... and then move past it, I guess ....

I have emailed the new 'no tea' T three times and am awaiting a reply, I was hoping to see her today, but as she is so slow at getting back to me, I can only wait.
Nerve wracking but manageable.
I feel COMFORTABLE with her
but I am not yet sure she is strong enough in herself.

Ah, Draggers, that made me all misty eyed.
I AM working so hard at this, I REFUSE to go under just because I had an insufficiently trained counselor and I WILL blossom even further.

Also, I am OUT of the worst time of year for me, OCT and early Nov, so everything feels MUCH better!

I deeply appreciate your support and kind comments, and encouragement, those words are valuable and mean a lot to me. thank you.

Sheychen, I admire your strength and perseverance in this. I'm glad that things are better for you now and that you got through the hardest time of the year for you. Frankly, I think it's pretty incredible that you are still able to continue looking for a good T considering how hard it's been and all you've been through. Were I in a similar situation, I know I would have given up a LONG time ago!

Take care,
Kashley

I think Kashley it is because I know that there are good T's out there, and also - it is VERY hard to do this work on your own. So I have to keep going.
Your and Dragonfly's support and appreciative comments are so good to hear, - and I guess I agree - it is amazing how I am doing, how WELL I am doing, considering.
My 'no tea' T has arranged that I see her Monday 22nd at 2.30pm (mainly because MY week this week is very busy) and so another chapter about to start.
The old C has not replied to my email saying I would rather NOt see her this Wednesday as I think we HAVE ended already.
I feel so much better - happier in my mind, and it is amazing to me how much I improve once we get to about mid November, it happens each year but most years I don;t even register - I just bumble through and then months later think: Duh - that was the anniversary time!
It is amazing how strong these anniversaries are, - I thought I was going to get through this one better but in fact it was horrendous because the C decided, whilst having been forewarned about it being a really bad time for me, to end with me and shorten the remaining sessions, on Oct 1st. Bad timing huh. We would say Cr*p timing here, but I don;t know if you have that expression.
I am going to be okay. I have been through hell and no inadequate therapist is going to bring me to my knees.
Hugs to you both, Dragonfly and Kashley.

Ah, I have agreed to see ex C tomorrow - Weds. I don;t want to, at all. She made it clear last session that she
1. does not respect me
2. would NOT work with therapeutic rupture even though all the books say it is the best way forward
3. thinks I am far too complex in my problems for her, (which she says in a damning way)
4. is scared of seeing herself and her failings.

So I am awake at 4am - have been awake now for two hours wishing I had not agreed yesterday to attend after nearly two weeks of wavering.

Why am I going?

god alone knows. I think I am going because I INTEND to walk in there as an adult, watch her and see her for who she really is, how she really is, and get it clear in my head, so that I cannot ever doubt it, and be magnanimous and tell her areas where she was indeed helpful (we worked together for 16 months or more for heaven's sake, there were some good moments) and then walk away with my dignity and shake the dust off my feet as I go.

Sheychen... glad to hear that you have a Monday appointment with no tea T. I hope it all works out for you. You do seem to be handling all of this very well.

Good luck with your exC. I hope things don't upset you too much. Yes you did work together for a long time and the relationship needs to end in a good way so that it's easier for you to move on with your life. I only hope I can get some closure and the opportunity to end things in a more amicable and peaceful way with my oldT. I know he did a lot of things wrong but he is only human and he also did a lot of things right and he did help me in the past. He was my anchor when I was desperate 3 years ago and he really did save me then.

I suppose there is good even in things that end badly. I wish you well the meeeting... let us know how it works out.

TN

Sheychen,
Just wanted to say good luck with your old C tomorrow. Take care of yourself, I hope you're able to say what you need to. Let us know how it goes.

AG

Thanks TN and AG - lovely to read your posts and so glad you are there.
I saw the psychologist today ( and remember psychologist does not mean what it means in the states)
He is being very slow and patient and careful.

I like him. I like talking to him.

My smaller hurt self also wants to talk to him but she is frightened.

That is what we talked about today, that part of me that has been let down by NewFinder and FalseFinder and Trickster, that really has no reason to believe this P will be trustworthy and not let her down.

Talking about it was agony, as I wanted to share more but I was torn, as it was not clear if I was safe or not and I did not know how to know.

Come home and sit here and wish I had just let the crying out and the fear and just seen what would happen.

but in a way it is safer that he knows first in detail how frightened that part of me is, and how capable my normal adult self is.

He is also worried about my meeting with NewFinder tomorrow. Oh god, it feels SUCH an ordeal. I will be very glad when it is over.

I told him in veiled terms about FalseFinder, the therapist who abused me. I felt so sorry – and even said “ I am sorry for saying this to you” because the bit between the lines is: 'and I am frightened that you will hurt me too like he did.' Which is actually a terrible thing to say to someone.

He is talking to me so carefully. So very carefully. He tried to help me see that the pain around NewFinder is also the pain around being let down before, like with my mother. I can see that but I was clear that I did not want NewFinder off the hook for how she failed in her professional capacity.

Why don't I just let him talk to the hurt part of me? What have I got to lose? How much more hurt can I get? He could try and have me hospitalised, he could label me with some weird disorder, I guess. But all I have is a very very hurt and frightened part of me very distinctly closed off and shut down and not heard.

Sheychen, take it easy on yourself... I think the hurt part of you is being careful for very good reason. It is extremely difficult to objectively evaluate whether someone is competent enough and safe enough for us once we open up those very hurt feelings. And so being guarded is not just some error of past and present. Sometimes it's due diligence. I know your hurt and frightened part is aching to be heard. Keep holding her and listening to her while you take the time to figure out what is safe with this guy.

Jones

Just worked out ANOTHER reason why NewFinder, the counselor so pisses me off.
The transference on to her was my mother, something neither of us realized until the last session.
And my mother, when I got really too much, when I was anorexic and confused and hurting, aged 21, turned on me and said so calmly:
"I shall make sure you have some help. Don't worry I will sort this."
Then we got on buses and turned up at a hospital and you have to remember this is me at my most dependent yet, really for once having to lean on my mother as I am not able to help myself. My fierce independence of the last three years has been cut down in the general chaos of my debilitating condition.
We wait in a waiting room and I am frightened and feel very scared. My mother then says, just seconds before I am called in:
"You are mentally ill. You have mental problems. I have fixed you up to see a psychiatrist. He will sort you out. "

But it was not said lovingly - it was said with satisfaction that at last she was able to feel superior to me and put me down thoroughly, and she said it with all the nastiness that she could muster and all her hurt and all her rage and pain and all her anger and meanness. And my mother could be cold and mean and heartless.
And she sat there looking so smug and satisfied, she had just wrapped it up. No one else in the family was a problem, only me and she had me wrapped up.
As I sat there in shock, terrified at what was about to happen, a nurse called my name and I was ushered into a room with a psychiatrist.
My mother never wanted to know anything about how I felt or what happened to me. She wailed about the stress on her and courted sympathy from anyone she could about having such an ill and wayward daughter.
But she washed her hands of me and my 'feelings' and my thoughts and turned away.

Needless to say I NEVER opened up to that psychiatrist. NEVER.

And that is what NewFinder did, it is what she said.
She also did not want to know anymore.

Ouch - no wonder it hurts so much. It is an exact repeat. When I show how much I am actually hurting inside, both of them pass me onto mental health services so that they can walk away.

Well at least the psychologist IS mental health services - so who is HE going to try and pass me on to, when I get too much ?

Tomorrow I have to meet with NewFinder for the FINAL time.
I cannot meet her as the person who helped me until things fell apart as I shall mourn and miss that person too much and I cannot meet her as the person she has been for the last two and half months, as I will only feel hurt and angry, so how can I meet her? I suspect I can only meet her as someone who meant well and failed when it mattered. And keep myself well protected and leave if necessary.

Deepfried ... Of course I can't answer for Sheychen ... but I think you've raised some very important issues ... I always hate when I have to fill out those forms and it asks about Hitory of Mental Illness .... and I've always hated to think of myself as mentally ill and i have to think of depression as a mental illness and anxiety as a mental illness ... i've been grappling with all this too .... because of the stigma associated with it .... but honestly I see so many people out there who would consider themselves stable but they are completely unaware of what drives them ....

And you know what? Life is hard ..... there is a lot of pain out there, whether we live in north america, south america or some other continent .... you read the philosophers and you look at artists over the centuries and they have struggled with all of the same issues we all struggled with .... It's not just us .... it's the human condition .....

And I read sheychen's post too ... and I am soooooo sorry about your mother .... she sounds a lot like my mother .... my mother told me I was crazy (but was too ignorant to bring me to a psychiatrist, better yet, she'll take care of me) .... when I was in my twenties and I know how much that abandonment hurts ...here you were in your darkest hour.... and here she was, the woman that created you ... telling you that you were crazy .... and the same for me ... I have no doubt in my mind that our problems were handed down to us by our parents .... but you are getting past your issues ..... you will get there .... Let me ask you ... did your mother? I know my mother didn't ....

DeepFried, no offense taken. I DO Have serious issues with being in the mental health services now as I have old stuff from my past, as I said in the above post, about being 'so not okay' if I was seen as mentally ill. So my own stuff exploding all over the place at the moment. I have just come from a long rant about it with my husband, as I spotted a file with my name on in the office today and I was just STUNNED - that I have a 'mental health file' - i was stunned.

I just can't get my head around all this happening so fast, one minute I am just recovering from some bad bullying and the next I seem to have got up to my arm pits in the mental health system.

PTSD is my own diagnosis which actually is being questioned. Also, I don't have depression which I have had in the past and I have been anorexic in the past, so yes, you could if you want throw the book at me, but right now I am struggling with trauma issues which are as far as I am aware fairly normal reactions to incidents that happened in my life - fortunately so far the psychologist is very understanding and does not see me as any label but as someone deeply hurt trying to find a way to survive what life has thrown at me.

Also here in the UK - the mental health services are massively underfunded, there is a feeling that if you are part of it, you are done for, as there is never enough staff or resources - and I also object to be seen in a room where I am treated as a security risk with doors you have to be buzzed through etc. Also the decor is peeling and cheap old battered furniture, - there is no dignity in any of it.And when I came out today there were a lot of people looking zombied out through drugs sitting waiting and I just felt such heart felt pain seeing them, that this is what they have, and it is not good enough. AT least I can pay for better, once I have found it.

and Liese, my mother never looked at her own stuff, she is now senile and looked after 24/7 as she is like a small baby. My father died in a rage - after years of alcohol abuse and denial. I am the only one in my family looking at 'stuff' and fortunately my sister and I are not in touch, so she does not know so cannot rub it in.

I just so object to being viewed down teh wrong lens, and that is what I feel is happening now. I am also aware that I sort of feel I could get worse, start being how they see me. A sort of CAtch 22.

Also, yes, I am sensitive, and need to look at my own huge prejudice about mental health services and diagnosis. but hey, I don't know anyone who would rejoice in being labelled mentally ill. It is still a stigma - it takes years to change these things.

seychen

Am so glad that your meeting with the psychologist was a little more helpful than previous times. I am really glad that you lke him and like talking to him too and that he is talking to you carefully and gently. I can understand that your little parts might feel scared of talking to him, but they have been hurt and need time don't they before they (and you)can trust again? And I REALLY understand about you wanting him to know how capable your normal adult self is - for me that's really important as my T never sees that side of me, just the wibbly wreck that walks in the door

I'm not sure why you think he would hospitalise you, he wouln't have to do that unless you were a danger to yourself or to others, which doesn't feel at all as if that is the case. So I wonder, just a thought, if this is a deep seated worry from maybe earlier experiences seeing the psychiatrist with your mum??

Seychen the only other thing I wanted to say was in response to

quote:

and remember psychologist does not mean what it means in the states

I wonder what you mean by this? My T is a Clinical psychologist, she did a psychology degree and had to gain further clinical experience before studying for a further 3 years for doctorate in clinical psychology, so has a wealth of knowledge and understanding , as well as clinical experience in different psychological approaches. How is this different in the States? - just curious

Thoughts for you Seychen as you see C tomorrow for the final session,

starfish

Star Fish: Clinical psychologists in the States have to do a lot of therapy themselves, they don't here in the UK - mine has only had 14 sessions.

Thanks DeepFried, I am really going through the mill at the moment, I guess I have kept out of the mental health services for all my life until this past month really, except for that one time my mum intervened when I was 21. That HAS really shaken me and memories of that time are coming back now and resurfacing and scaring me, - I could not be hospitalised, I just fear that. It is an old fear, of being helpless and vulnerable and not knowing how badly it is going to escalate. Which is a little of what is happening now.
sigh.
you tell a private psychotherapist something and it feels okay, you tell a psychologist and he writes in it your file and then it is there for who ever wants to read it who is involved in your case, - really scary for me, I guess I have not adjusted to all this yet.

seychen,

I guess the difference is the private bit....I see my psychologist privately, there is no public information written at all as per your example of the psychotherapist, just any private notes she chooses to make. If I went to secondary care then I realise that information would have to be written about me (however hard), that might have to be shared with other clinicians. I can really imagine how scary that would feel and how so very wary of such private information becoming 'public'- I would be too. Can you talk about these fears with him when you see him next? Perhaps he could try to allay them a little for you, especially as it is causing a resurfacing of all those difficult memories right now. I am really sorry it's so hard (((seychen)))

starfish

this is what I wrote on my blog about the final session yesterday with the counsellor:
I am worried, NewFinder knows this blog, she could look in it any time if she wanted to know how I am doing. I have asked her twice not to read it anymore and I don't think she has since she wrote the termination email on October 1st. But I worry that she would read it. And I don't want her to. I don't know what to do. I don't want to change my entire blog to another blog just so that she does not have this blog address.
This is a quandary. It will always feel a little bit unsafe.


Oh well, I shall have to think about this. Perhaps one can move an entire blog...?


I met with NewFinder yesterday. I was terrified of going. Absolutely terrified. I not only felt sick to my stomach, I WAS actually sick to my very guts.


and how did it go?


LostChild: she was pretending. She was pretending to be the nice kind person she sees herself as. She really believes it. But I don't anymore. I see through her, where even she cannot see. She denied her anger and her frustration, or she said she has those but that ' all the time she felt utmost compassion for me.' I was there, she sometimes was lost in her own anger and she did indeed say she wanted to not work with me anymore, that she would not continue, did not want to, that the rupture was too great for her to want to mend it. Her investment in her own view that she is 'unconditionally compassionate' is so hugely important to her, that she cannot see that she is not authentic. I watched her. She said she cared about me, and I heard that, and she was doing those " i care about you so deeply, I insist I do ' eyes of hers, which are not genuine but she feels like she is being genuine when she does them. I just watched her. I remembered when she had been kind and caring and I told her I remembered that, back when it was true. But it was not true now, but I could not make her see that. She was adamant that she has cared deeply all the time and that she only has my best interests at heart, but I know that to be not true. How do I know? I don't know how I know, I only know. I feel it in my own heart. I feel she always wanted to be how she sees herself, that it is crucial to her, and that somehow I challenged that deeply, both by being terribly angry with her and throwing everything I could at her verbally to hurt her, and by telling her she is not the supremely always caring person that she believes herself to be.
That was the bit that she cannot see or believe to be true. She HAS to believe that she is this unconditionally caring person.


I am LostChild, I know things. I know she is caring, but not to the extent that she believes. I know she is in denial of some of her own negative feelings and that at times she did not even want to be in the same room with me and that at least 30% of the mess around me being terminated, was her doing.
She had had enough. Forget the ' I will stick with you Sheychen no matter WHAT comes up." When the worst came up she said " I don't want to go on with this anymore.'


She feels that she did admirably. She said " I could have terminated you immediately, with no offer of further sessions to end with but I at least allowed some sessions for you to end.'


!*!* ! Oh how civil of you.


She said ' I always turned up. I could have said ' no, I shall not come', I could have said I was ill or that I was away on conferences, or given some excuse but I did not. '
The very fact that she thought these things just made it more clear that she had not wanted to continue but the 'NEWFINDER Is a caring person no matter what' persona refused to let her do any of those things. Today she even said 'My supervisor asked me 'WHY on earth do you keep going back, keep turning up when this client throws all this at you!'
(Never did like this supervisor.)
And she looked at me with those 'I am a caring person, I insist I am' eyes and said " I always was here, I always sat here and took it."


I LostChild know things that are hard to know. She cared on Crisis Friday and then felt duped and got angry and wrote the over reaction termination email that was so damning and judgemental.


I am glad to walk away. I am so glad to walk away. I am not sure anyone else is going to be any better but I feel that it was toxic in there so walking away was good.


Sheychen: I felt it was good to have met and talked. I was very open - both about the transference being my mother and how I was so utterly ragingly angry - sometimes on just seeing NewFinder who has the same accent as my mother, and is the same age as my mother when my mother dumped me at the psychiatric hospital - washing her hands of me so damningly. They even look a bit similar. So of course anything NEwFinder said once that transference was happening, was super charged for me.


I also admitted to how I feel so horrified at being labelled mentally ill. NewFinder said she has never viewed me as mentally ill. She repeated that at least twice. That was some consolation. I told her how awful that mental health place is and how it hurts to much to be treated in that way. She was sympathetic to that and encouraging of me looking elsewhere where I can end when I want. I said how important it is to me to be able to end when I am ready, after this experience with her.


I also thanked her - feeling genuinely grateful - for the good work we did, in the 14 months before the shit hit the fan for both of us. We briefly touched on the issue of the terminating, and we disagreed hugely still on that. She now believes that her hands were totally tied and that if she practiced privately she would have continued with me. I did not believe her. I remember too well her words, her body language, the feelings emanating from her during the last six weeks. She said again that she felt some therapeutic ruptures cannot be mended and ours was one of those. I heard that as 'you hurt me too much' and saw how she could not try to mend it.


She said that she genuinely cared about me still and that she only ever truly wanted the best for me. It felt a bit 'blah blah blah' but I could see she was believing her self. Her actions tell a different story.


I also felt that she truly MEANS well. But MEANING WELL is not enough.


I liked her. I sat there and liked her for her sincerity and put aside what I know to be true and what LostChild knows to be true about her, and felt deep gratitude for the kindness and support she gave me in Turkey and whilst I was in Nottingham and for the many times she was there for me. I treasure each of those. I always will.


i gave her some token gifts that were symbolic: a candle made by dalits, some tibetan prayer flags, a pocket size packet of tissues, and a handbag size moisterizing lotion for her hands, the hands I loved to hold so much. And a handmade card of the four seasons, the time that we spent working well together.


WE hugged at the end, on my request, but my body felt completely shut down. I could not let in her care right then, as it would hurt so much as I had to open the door and walk away for ever, in a few seconds. I tried to keep the memory of the hug in my mind though, so that I could some day, when I felt safe, feel it and live it. I was aware my body felt like a body with no heart in, during that hug. She wished me well again and I could hear that she was emotional, and I said thankyou.


then I walked out the door and did not look back.


Since then I have felt some of the kindness of NewFinder again in my heart and felt some peace too. She did mean well and she did as much as she could being the person she is. She meant me no harm, well, she does not think she meant me harm, that termination email reveals otherwise to me, as it was written to hurt. But I can at least sense that she does care in her way and that is sweet to feel again in my heart now.


It is a relief to see her as I do, with my truth and also appreciate her for who she is and how she is, flawed but sincerely trying to do what she thinks is best, with her limitations.


I know she will think something like ' it is such a shame that Sheychen cannot feel my love and caring - it is so sad that she is so damaged as to not be able to feel a person's care.' where as I am aware that I can feel care but I can also feel the ambivalence that she cannot admit to and the negative feelings which she can just about admit to.
It is true, I did not feel her care very much today, I felt mostly hurt and was protecting myself from further hurt whilst trying still to be open and vulnerable enough to talk freely and honestly.
I have learnt that she can sting, she can stab back. No wonder I am wary.
things are never black and white, people are never black and white.


I feel grateful to her for the good bits and wary of her for her own blind spots and moved by the kindness that I can feel.

end of blog.


It actually was a good session, in its own way in that I felt we ended well, feeling warmth towards each other. My blog entry does not really convey that but it is true.

I seem to be coping, I seem to be okay

High five! thats great news. Keep up the good work!

Sheychen,

That's all anyone can ask .... How did the workshop go last night? I got the book last night but am feeling a little overwhelmed by ... any suggestions as to how to tackle it???

Sheychen well done you for making that final session with C such a positive experience instead of the nightmare it could have been. You’ve got to take ALL the credit for being so strong and knowing exactly what you need, and being able to pick yourself up and carry on.

With your insight and determination I can see Lostchild getting the healing she needs very soon. I’m in awe of your faith in yourself - you couldn’t siphon a bit of it my way could you .

Good luck with no-tea T on Monday, fingers crossed for you that she turns out to be who you need. (Oh I love Starfish’s suggestion of taking a thermos of tea, maybe you could offer T a cuppa lol).

How are you doing at the moment? I expect that the fallout from what happened with C will be with you for quite a while. Hope you are ok.

LL

Hi Guys, been away on a training week for teaching, so had a lot of nice times.
Liese, look at the chapter on emotional pain, - it is really good.
I had the book for years before I opened it!
Lamplighter: I think I was more mature that the C was , in the final session. I made her a card and sincerely pointed out her strengths and kept it very clearly on the positives, and she was just " lets us say our goodbyes and end' - so I said, " no, we need to say the good stuff and I need to thank you for the good work you did.' I felt the maturer one in the room!
I will take a while to get over it, but i can see with each day that passes, we were a terrible mis match and that she has issues she is in denial of PLUS I shall get myself a WONDERFU:L T and I would never have made myself do that on my own, I would have clung to the C ...so silver lining really.

And yes, I MUST take a flask and I am slightly worried I shall go in there and sob and shake and ask her to hold me, as i have had to keep together since last Weds and my little hurt me has reverted to my old coping mechanism a lot the last three days, so i know a part of me is very upset.
I have faith in myself, but it has taken a lot of work to know that I am a caring competant mature adult who has hurt bits but also I am highly evolved in some areas. That is just how it is. And I am three years old or less in others. And that C meant well, but meaning well is not enough.
I send you oodles of faith in yourself!
thanks Frog for your high five, I am doing great arn't i!