I was surprised to realize this weekend that this past monday was the four year anniversary of my first session with my T. I've never mentioned any other anniversary. I've struggled with feeling detached and numb this month but the good thing is that I haven't been feeling like I need to quit therapy. I've contacted my T much less outside of session than usual and I haven't considered quitting therapy.

So Monday I went to a specialty cupcake store and bought two cupcakes (vanilla and red velvet). Does anyone else realize that they don't even know what kind of cake their T likes and that this has to be the weirdest relationship I've ever been in. He knows almost all the major and minor events, memories, likes and dislikes and I know next to nothing about him.

I went in with the box and my T didn't even mention it. We talked about my FOO and some of the circular and disturbing conversations I've had with them in the last week. He asked me why I was reaching out to my father even though he lies to me and doesn't care to talk to me unless he needs to talk. Of course I had to admit that I still harbor some magical hope that my father will be different in our next conversation and actually hear me and respond to me even though it hasn't happened in the last 40 years. I just cried and cried. Then I admitted that I continually try with my father even though it doesn't work and that is just like how I feel about T sometimes: that I'm trying to get something from him that I can't define and I can never get.

On that somber note I told him it was our therapy anniversary and I brought cupcakes to celebrate. I thanked him for the last four years even though I never thought therapy would last this long. He took one (red velvet) and we sat and ate our cupcakes for the last few minutes of the session. He thanked me for the cupcake. It was a comfortable and companionable and then we shook hands and said goodbye. I think I have never celebrated an anniversary or birthday with him before because usually I have such high expectations and I'm afraid of being disappointed. I suspect this doesn't sound like a big, emotional, connecting moment but it was a big one for me.