Feelings have a logic all their own. Sometimes when I have to talk about something I am experiencing that I am totally embarrassed by or ashamed of I have to first warn my T that what I am about to say is not logical by any means. I know she knows that but I feel a little better warning her first anyway. It frees me up to say the weirdest things that I would never dream to admit to ever thinking or feeling if I was supposed to make sense all the time.

I am only three days in to my T's two week vacation and it has already been difficult. Especially today, today is one of those landmark days for me and I had to do it alone. I've had the worst stomach ache today and I don't know if it was something I ate or the anxiety of doing this alone. I can't get into the details of why today is significant now cuz it is way past my bedtime.

Good luck tomorrow. I will be thinking about you.

River,
Thanks so much! I read your post this morning before I left for my appointment and it really helped. especially the line about having to make sense all the time. You really understood what it felt like.
I have the most amazing T! The session was difficult but really awesome. I was able to tell him that I felt like my feelings were unreasonable and I was scared to tell him about it, but they were my feelings. I was also able to ask for a blanket. He keeps this great chenille throw in his office that I used once before and I really just had a sense of wanting to be held, so I asked for the blanket as soon as I sat down. Very different for me. Then I launched! I was able to describe how angry I was and what I was angry about, and without, as he mentioned later on in the session, alot of urging from him. I was really glad he didn't have to drag it out of me. He was incredibly understanding and accepting of my feelings and we were able to talk about them and how much sense they made because of my background. I went from feeling like a pathetic idiot to feeling like I actually did a brave thing. At one point, I actually said that I felt like I had thrown the car into reverse, and floored it. My T answered that that was an illusion, that actually I was forging ahead, and that he saw alot of change and growth. If someone had told me that I would actually feel joy this afternoon when I woke up this morning, I wouldn't have believed it was possible. This is amazing stuff! Thank you again for your support.

I'm so sorry you're having a difficult time with your T's vacation, trust me I completely understand. I know how scary it can feel and how anxious you can get. Please feel free to keep talking about it here, I know how hard it can be to get through, but it really makes sense you're feeling this way.
And if you have time later, it would be great to hear about your landmark day.

AG

Good for you! It is such a great feeling when you realize that you are getting somewhere! I am so glad to hear that things went well. That puts a smile on my face ! Hold on tight to the joy and savour every little bit of it you can. You really deserve to feel good about yourself.

We just got back from our little holiday... and our T is also on holidays (for another two weeks). Seems like holiday time is always the most difficult.. more on that later...
Robin

Thanks River! I am definitely savoring the joy. I really appreciate the support. How are you holding up?

Robin, sorry to hear your dealing with a T's vacation also. I can understand the difficulty!

AG

I ended up writing a poem about yesterday's session and wanted to share it.

Why Speak?

Anger and fear, two sides of the coin.
Driven by both, never resting,
Needs that can not be met.
Why speak?
The words fade into
an aching emptiness returning void
Nothing that was may be changed
Yet
To experience the pain with
another to understand,
to comfort,
to accept
journeying from emptiness and worthlessness
to a birthright of care.
Not sickness just a way to survive.
Who knew that being known was so important?
Learning to embrace the self by being embraced.
Why speak?
The words go forth and are heard,
returned to my need with understanding
and illumination,
lighting the way to change.

AG

Oh, that's beautiful Attachment Girl.

Shrinklady

you've got talent there...
robin

Thank you both so much! I'm not sure why but I always feel more vulnerable about posting poetry so I really appreciate you telling me you liked it.

AG

What a great poem! Very moving, and oh so true.

Loovved your poem AG!!!

I know this is a very, very late post... but I just read this poem and it is beautiful! I can really identify with it... Thanks for posting it

Beautiful poem AG!! mlc