Hello J&R,

Personally, I'm not as old as you, but I'll try to say my opinion.

A SOLID and REAL friendship between man and woman is very very difficult, because one of them can easily fall in love with the other. Also, as to me, girls have always seen me as a potential boyfriend and, honestly, I havent checked out the reason. What about a hobby? Why dont you launch yourself in something, such as theatre, gym...?

(((Smiling Penguin)))--Thank you.

I really appreciate your response here. It helped me to understand myself a bit better, and the fact that I do sometimes try to get those same therapeutic needs met in other relationships outside of the room. My T is really the first person that I have talked to about much of my stuff and as I get more and more comfortable opening up, I am finding myself wanting to open up to other people. I think I might possibly be an over sharer. I need to reflect on that. I do like what you said about the time it takes to build relationships, and how you go about putting off the intense topics with the realization that you really just need connection. I am still learning and figuring this one out.

We sound a lot alike. I am feeling alone especially when my little ones are at school, and NOPE I am not religious. Your mention of volunteering is something I have definitely been considering, just to get out and meet new people. I might have to get my kids more involved outside of school too. This might help me meet other women who have kids and can relate.

Personally, I have always had a lot of people around me. When I worked it felt like there were opportunities to socialize around every corner. I think what I am dealing with now is that I am growing more and more distant from the social relationships that lack intimacy. I think the intimacy I have gotten in my therapeutic relationships has created a strong desire to find that in my life outside session. I am building a deeper relationship with my SO, but it's the intimate female friends I am looking for at the moment.

Another thought I have been having in regards to friends is to go out and do things for me; in that I will attract those who share my interests and want to be my friend.

Hi J&R,

We moved to a new state 2 yrs ago and I've been desperately trying to make new friends. It's hard when you're in your 30's because it seems as though everyone else has established friendships, especially women. I'm extremely lonely. Not only does it take a long time to find people you would want to be friends with, it also takes a long time to develop close, trusting friendships.

Having said that, I have a glimmer of hope. I have joined numerous groups in my desperation - I volunteer in something I'm interested in, I mentor younger women, I've joined a book club, and I've joined a group of church. With so many groups, I feel like I might be able to connect with one or two people. It's a very slow process.

I struggle with feeling like I say too much, but my T has been helping me learn how to say enough to let people know I'm struggling, but feel the freedom to not self-disclose everything. I think learning how to be present with another person is the key, and that's something I'm not good at yet.

The hardest part is being in so much pain and still having the strength to invest and work on other relationships.

The best friendship I've had was in my old hometown. I invited her to an intentional friendship. It was a huge risk, especially because we were not particularly close at the time and it was a foreign concept to both of us. I asked her if we could meet once a week and just share about life and call out any "blind spots" that I might be missing. I asked her to look at my calendar and help me weed out the unnecessary things. She became someone I could bounce ideas off of and be completely transparent with. Having her in my life greatly improved my quality of life. We had a solid friendship until I moved away. I know friendships like that are extremely rare and I'm not sure I'll find another friend like that in my lifetime.

Unfortunately, my T is all I have at the moment. (And he'll be gone for 6 weeks) I think him and I are both hoping I can find real friends soon.

PF

quote:

Personally, I have always had a lot of people around me. When I worked it felt like there were opportunities to socialize around every corner. I think what I am dealing with now is that I am growing more and more distant from the social relationships that lack intimacy. I think the intimacy I have gotten in my therapeutic relationships has created a strong desire to find that in my life outside session. I am building a deeper relationship with my SO, but it's the intimate female friends I am looking for at the moment.

I feel with or after therapy is like 'starting over' and certain people don't fit in anymore. And finding the kind of intimacy that is like the kind in therapy... I don't think it exists. On the other hand, relationships with friends or other people are much more reciprocal and that makes up a lot of it. They need or want me too, and that makes it more real than the one with T.
Just my two pennies worth...

I've recently left my 20s... Like others I think therapy was a start over, or at least the beginning of change and improvement of my existing relationships. I have a better understanding of what I want, expect, can communicate and give of myself. All of my relating with other people from friends to coworkers to strangers has been improved.

It has been difficult for a number of years and I go through periods of isolation. I have my Ts support, especially with dating right now because I want to take a shot at that kind if relationship, and I want to try to take my learning and build a quality relationship as well.

I never used to let people over at my place and now I do every weekend and have standing social times with friends. It's improved my life a lot.

Before I could move to there though there was some fear I would lose the intimacy with my therapists. They have been at times my only social contact. I've found the intimacy has increased because I am now sharing an even more vulnerable part of me - the one that fears the most hurt and rejection and am doing it with people who aren't paid to keep their needs away from me, and aren't going to have a one sided relationship. People who aren't going to put up with the shit my therapist does right now

It's hard.,, and hard to find a source of friends. I've discovered meeting my friend's friends and risking socializing with people at yoga or work more... Trying to see if it's worth an extra effort. There are clubs too,,, I let some great friends in a singing group.

So, yea! Hopefully my story helps in some way. I'm by no means done therapy, and haven't reached all my goals but it's nice to build something where I'm not the only one needing. I've never needed much in outside relationships and I don't think that will completely go away... I'll always be a "Mom" at heart but... It's better better better.

The person I'm dating (though not a GF) makes me feel special rather than triggered.

I've also had some pivotal friendships... That have grown me more than they would ever know. Some are here, so I figured I'd throw that out there

PF,

It is SO difficult when you are in your 30's and it seems that everyone around you has that already established group of girlfriends. I haven't moved recently like you, but I do feel like I have. When I started therapy and learning the meaning of healthy relationships, I started realizing that the friendships I did have around me were not so. I ended a few relationships, I let a few grow in distance, and I have tried to place others in a different category(maybe acceptance that our friendships will never be that intimate level where I want, but more of a social/acquaintance relationship).

It sounds like you have really put yourself out into your community and stretched as a person. That's completely admirable and inspiring. I do believe I need to jump into my community as bit more and attempt to join in on activities that I enjoy. That's the first start. For a while my PTSD was really difficult and made it hard for me to interact. Thankfully after some therapy, it's eased up and I am becoming more and more comfortable getting out there.

It must have been very difficult for you to move from your friend. I do hope that your friendship has weathered that challenge and that you remain close in possible ways. I had a friend move and that was hard. So, I know how difficult that must be for you.

I'm glad you posted. Thanks for your advice and input. It really allowed me to feel less alone in what I am dealing with and I really look forward to getting to know you on here.

Elsewhere,

YES! Absolutely to what you said about starting over and people not fitting anymore. I have experienced this a lot since I have been in therapy. The internal growth that I experience also transforms each of my relationships. Sometimes the other is unwilling to bend and learn this new me. They try hard to relate to me in those old ways; more unhealthy relationship dynamics. When I set boundaries or show parts of my self that I have discovered, they sometimes don't know how to respond. It seems best at times for us to just allow the relationship to run its natural course, sometimes ending. I don't look at those relationships as failures. They taught me lessons and were an important part of my life at that time. I think I am looking for the new group of friend who can meet me on this new journey, at this new level of healing.

Thanks for responding to me. Your two pennies worth made a lot of sense!

Catalyst,

I have noticed those changes and improvements in how I relate to everyone as well. It's such a positive sign of growth in therapy, isn't is? I notice in your post that it's the small steps outside our comfort zone that make the biggest impacts(such as now inviting others into your home.) I think I am going to reflect on that and see if there are areas in which I can stretch and do things differently. I don't invite others over too much, and maybe that would be a way to develop more intimate relationships.

I really want to try yoga. I am SO nervous though. I worry that I wont be in good enough shape or I will do something embarrassing. Maybe that's where I need to stretch (haha) and grow?

I am so glad you are dating someone who makes you feel special. That's such a positive and does help with feelings of isolation. I also completely get when you talk about the friendships that you've developed on the boards. I could see that there is a very strong sense of community between members and I am really glad I came here. It has helped pull me out of a deep darkness and total isolation I have been in for a while.

So, thanks everyone for making me feel less alone...and head! That's something I appreciate more than I could ever express in words.