Yes, I can relate to friendships changing.

I didn't really have that many unhealthy friendships before, because I actually didn't really have any authentic relationships. I was so out of touch with most of me and instinctively avoidant (almost allergic) of interdependency, of needing another person, for at least eight years before therapy, comprising most of my adulthood. I limited vulnerability almost exclusively to my H during that period. None of the people who considered me friends would know that. I was good at sharing information, but I was so dissociated from any feeling, that even if I told people some difficult stuff, there was no risk involved. It didn't mean anything to me most of the time, except in a few instances of traumatic experiences. I was the person that got along with everyone, supported everyone, took almost nothing.

I've found that my friendships are more authentic now, with the few people I can really trust to relate what I'm going through. However, I'm constantly fearful of being misunderstood or perceived as lying, so I'm terrified in them constantly, save one couple, our best friends, who just moved away. But, even being able to risk knowing myself and being known is a huge deal!!! I do a lot of practice learning to tolerate vulnerability in T, which I think has allowed me to branch out a bit.

So, I guess I'm saying I have traded friendships in which I did my best to be a needless, burdenless, ever-supportive provider of care and encouragement, for more equally balanced relationships, healthy vulnerability...and paralyzing terror.

Hi Brokes - don't think I've said hello to you before - thanks for making me reflect on this part of my life.
I have had many good friends in my life but I'm not one to maintain relationships - if I move away or my friends do, I find it really hard to make contact and maintain the friendship. I have recently worked out this is to do with my history...

Interestingly, many of my friends seem to have crises or traumas in their lives, through which I am supportive and the person they call in for help. Which is great, for them. And I like being able to help. But... I never have problems or difficult feelings. I'm always fine. I laugh and joke and present a fantastic veneer of pragmatism and calm....

I'm learning, though. A couple of friends have seen me shed at least a tear and they know about my difficties even if I don't feel I can share feelings with them. I guess it's a learning curve. A very gentle one... I'm very lucky to have patient friends who I feel safe enough to share with a tiny bit.

I am trying to transfer the skills I am learning in therapy, so that I have other sources of support outside therapy. Not that part of me wants other sources....

I suppose I am getting better at being really me in friendships... Slowly, slowly...

quote:

Interestingly, many of my friends seem to have crises or traumas in their lives, through which I am supportive and the person they call in for help. Which is great, for them. And I like being able to help. But... I never have problems or difficult feelings. I'm always fine. I laugh and joke and present a fantastic veneer of pragmatism and calm...

Iris - you just more perfectly described my experience!!! Except, in the place of friends, it is mostly family members that have active crises/traumas. But, I was the go to person, always, in the way you describe here. It is kind of freeing and very scary to learn to do things differently, a little at a time. Slowly is definitely the way to go. I can really relate to transferring skills I'm learning in therapy, without even realizing it most of the time. Sometimes I forget I am learning to relate in ways that most people learned at a very young age and maybe that is why it feels so difficult and unnatural at times.

I find it validating that our experiences are similar. I have always had difficulty maintaining relationships because a number of factors. One being that when growing up I wasn't allowed to be friends with anyone. I wasn't allowed to get close, and then when I'd get close I'd be told that there was something wrong with me. So, I want closeness in friendships but I have never known how to get close or remain at a comfortable level of closeness. I tend to move closer and then sometimes get too close and scare people away. Or I distance myself because of the close feelings. It's all confusing to me how I relate to people. T's recognized a pattern and has asked me to explore it further. Been thinking a lot about this topic all week.

Draggers, I understand what you express about connecting with animals. I actually felt the same way growing up. When Mom wouldn't allow me to have people friends, I made a lot of animal companions that kept me company.

I'm working on learning boundaries right now. I tend to overshare everything. I tend to want closeness and overly share myself with people who haven't earned my trust. T's trying to teach me all of this.

Anon, Thanks for sharing your perspective. I think I am moving towards more authentic friendships, as well. I have had a friend for about 4.5 years that I've been recently confronted with how damaging/hurtful the relationship is for me. I became more and more aware of it as I explored things in therapy. One being that she completely "made fun" of my feelings about therapy and the importance of T. She made me feel so small and embarrassed. She also acts like my issues are not valid or important. After spending a day with her, I realized that this friendship was one I had to learn to let go. It wasn't bringing any value or it wasn't like you said, equally balanced or encouraging.

Hi Iris! It's nice to meet you.
I can relate to how you said you laugh, joke and have a fantasic veneer of pragmatism and calm. That's SO me, too. I tell T that it's my public persona. I can work the room if I had too, but deep down inside I am screaming and freaking out. I've learned to hide my true self really well. I'm working on being ME in relationships, as well. It definitely takes time.

I never realized that my disorganized attachment patterns play a HUGE role in all aspects of my life. I hope I can learn how to create more authentic relationships with more authentic people.

It's a little sad to lose a person you thought was your friend after making the realization that they are not very good for you.

Thanks for listening to me everyone.

My friendships have definitely done some shifting as a result of therapy. I've been pondering this for awhile now and have noticed some things.

I have a whole constellation of relationships that are characterized by a common dynamic. I've tended to seek people who are judgemental, critical, and disapprove of me at least slightly. Sounds crazy, but I suppose that felt right because it mirrored the way I felt about myself? They haven't been bad relationships altogether. . . I would not characterize any of my friends as abusive or intentionally malicious for example, but there is definitely an element of me setting a high value on their approval and validation, which they hand out in pieces but never extend fully.

These relationships have created and maintained anxiety for me and I wasn't even aware of it. Slowly since being in therapy I've found myself backing away emotionally from many of my friends-- not intentionally, but more as an instinctive reaction. At first this made me sad and I worried that I was just getting too obsessively caught up in my relationship with T (which may be true but it's a topic for another day, lol).

But I've noticed that as I've learned to have more self acceptance in therapy, the hold that these relationships had over my self esteem is pretty much gone. I still keep in touch with my friends and maintain the connections, but it feels different-- freer and better, less anxious.

I've also made several new friends over the last year, and have noticed that these friendships seem very different from my previous ones. They are more low key people, for one thing, less judgemental, more laid back, and easier to be around. We spend time together based on shared activities and common interests and it's all pretty simple and non-threatening, non-invasive. The relationships do not feel as intense, but maybe that's okay. Intensity can be tiring. I have theorized that the changes I've made in therapy have resulted also in changes in the sorts of people I attract and am attracted to, in the sorts of relationships I'm likely to form. I think that's a good thing.

Excellent thread, btw! I've enjoyed reading everyone's stories.

I have shifted a bit in how I manage my friendships - I have different friends for different things (no relationship can satisfy every need or be the same). I've always had friends (not very many close ones) and many acquaintances because I enjoy group activities. I'm still not a big emoter, I've told my closest friends more and been vulnerable there but I still keep things to myself because that's just me - I will reach out when I need help now but my personality is the same. I'm not big on talking about my trauma but now I am better able to express how I feel on a given day, or what I need and actually ask for what I need.

I'm a little more outgoing (less shame) and I just FEEL better and more centered and present with my friends. Before therapy was dismissive of relationships for the most part - meaning no need for people at all (whether it be my giving or receiving). I don't fight or have tension with friends very often, but when I do it's always very complicated because I just have a really strange relational pattern sometimes. My worst problem is if someone becomes attached to me too fast or makes me feel crowded - I find it very unattractive and usually won't pursue the friendship further. I like to work gradually in to a friendship and then from there it is open and lasting. I'm weird (and this gets me in trouble sometimes) about assuming once I'm friends I won't ever 'not' be friends. Even if I don't see someone for years.

Most of my friends don't have a lot of crisis going on, or if they do they are working through it and most of them will let me help, some won't but no one expects me to fix everything like magic. My friends have several things in common... I'd trust almost all of them to help rule a small island with me - or would trust them in a zombie apocalypse to find safety, food and shelter, etc. There is a specific type of person I take on as a close friend and then my acquaintances... I get along with many people but there are some things I'm just not attracted to.

I think I still have a lot of dismissive in me because it hasn't been until recently I'm able to see what I'm getting/not getting or lacking in my friendship circle... otherwise I've never really felt like I haven't gotten "enough" from my friends or that I've been hiding my pain for them. I need a lot of alone time and that's sort of when I work stuff out.

Very interesting thread!! You reminded me I might want to date still... some day. i'm missing a partner for sure.