it probably takes me a good 2-3 years of working full-time with somebody to answer all of these questions and be content enough with deciding to forge ahead with a friendship. and, quite frankly, not many people measure up ... not many people are safe enough. i am priviledged to have had the very few i have had. to hang onto them for any length of time is another story.

they very likely see the same things we do. i come across with what my t calls 'presence' (a trait both of my parents have (despite also being introverts w/ just a few close friends)... polarizing personalities maybe - i can barely order a pizza on the phone and don't come across that way)... i'm always shocked to find out people have the same anxieties. when i get close to people though i have to assume they could do without me and that i bring no value... so that i feel safe

anyway... i think many people are insecure, and wonder. do you get any sort of 'gut' feeling? trusting our intuition sometimes can be freeing.

i call them anxieties because for me they are - obsessive thoughts, etc - the question "is she a threat to me" doesn't have a yes or no answer, it has a web of complexities and situational dependencies (for example, is she a threat to my job? my cats? would i have her in my house? if we were on a deserted island would she eat me? would i eat her? am I a threat to her? - then I have to re-evaluate the question w/ just about every intimate thing I let them know about me (because it can be used to hurt me)). i guess, just as there are people who do not place others in social context. a spectrum of which I am very much go to extreme which causes social phobia/anxiety. there are some people who go slipping in to relationships and don't even wonder if they are safe, they don't care how they feel, or if they can be themselves, or care if they are happy/confident, etc. I'm much more comfortable around people who are equally anxious than I am with someone who doesn't think these things at all.

This topic made me think a lot - thanks Muff It's interesting that you say you're more comfortable with people who are equally anxious, Catalyst. I have had it go both ways for me.

For lack of a better way of describing it I 'hide' myself. I am very, very circumspect about what information I provide, and this is linked to learning fairly early on that keeping my own needs and personality hidden was the way to avoid being critisised and hurt. It also meant that I was more likely to get positive attention from my caregivers. Therapy has helped me stop being quite so extreme about it. I have an internal censorship board and most info gets filtered through that before it makes it outside. I often divert attention away from myself by asking people about themselves and their lives.

I once had an experience where I was on a long car journey with a co-worker and I recognised fairly early on that she was doing exactly the same thing, diverting attention away from herself, probably for similar reasons. I have no idea whether she clocked that I was doing it and we weren't close enough to have that conversation. Cue, 'OMG I'm going to have to spend an entire 5 hour journey with you with us both anxiously fencing around each other. Argh!' thoughts. It was okay but absolutely exhausting to be in the presence of someone doing what I do to cope!

But... on the opposite end of the pole, I have a few friends who I've let in and we both know we do this and it's a relief to be around them. I was once having to do quite an in depth exercise in college on mapping the self and deliberately chose to work with someone who I know struggles to show their authentic self to others. There was sort of this unconscious acknowledgement between us that we wouldn't push each other too far.

Weird you mention animals, muff. I have excellent communication skills with furry little non-human-animal types.., T asked me last week what the human sign of a non-aggressive cat gesture was and I had no example to give her. A lot is in the non-verbals... Is why the gut is so important