I am rather confused by my t just at present. It has been a draining time for both of us I think as I have been edging towards the underneath feelings of what happened to me as a small child and those feelings are very real but I tend to discount them. Well, I HAVE discounted them for nearly fifty years.

WE have tried to nudge nearer these little hurt child feelings but when we do get near, I am a bit 'over the top' (my judgement - not his, I hasten to add - though I think he has once or twice said he is not so vocal or loud as I can be. Gulp. I do tend to make a lot of noise when I hit the small child feelings. I often wonder what his co workers think in the adjoining offices.)

Whilst this has been going on, I have been trying to work out for myself what these intense feelings are about. We know they are connected to be being burnt aged six months old and being trapped, we know they are about me being in hospital a lot until I was four. We know they are about me being in pain and feeling alone and abandoned over and over again as I had surgery upon surgery and graft upon graft. We know this. I just find it really hard that
1. these feelings are true
2. They really are from back then

I KNOW that neurologically I have stored body memories and emotional feelings.
I KNOW that I still have nerve damage that flares up into terribly pain when emotionally triggered.
I KNOW that when the nerve pain increases, I get more emotionally fragile which makes the physical pain increase.

I am just finding it hard processing and really believing all this. And of course then I throw at my very sweet T that he does not believe it either.

Also, all my life I have had to hide the 'childish' feelings I know that I have inside that occasionally fight for dominance. And I have consciously minimized this part of me. I have actively even denied and fought this part of me.

So I am having a lot of trouble facing all this and acknowledging it.

Yet at the same time I am writing about it and handing it to my T so that he knows what it is about and how to reach me and talk to me when it gets really bad.

I have even given in for a while now and gone and hidden all curled up under his desk where I feel safest. He accepts this. I accept this. It is just what I do when it gets really scary and I feel pretty vulnerable and exposed.

I even brought in last week some foam lagging that you put around pipes to stop them freezing and asked him to put them around his desk legs as they are metal and I fear that I will hurt myself on them when the explosive body feelings come out. This has happened twice so far and I think it has rather shocked us both, though he is really too professional to admit that, though he did say he was scared I would hurt my head at one point. I just seem to fall into the most closed off and hurting part of my mind and when that happens, I kick and thrash and wail like a small baby and I am really 'living out' something. It is hard and weird and time distorts as what seems like several minutes to me at the time, is only like 30 seconds when I listen to it later on the recording.

Last tim e it happened I reached out to him and ended curled up tight under his arm. He actually cuddled me while I shook with fright.

I think he finds it scary and I shall ask him about this tomorrow: "Are you scared?"

Last week he refused to talk about the littlest part of me, he refused to let me go there and feel it at all, so I had to shut down instead. I felt thwarted and confused and very 'denied'. He said it was because of a time issue in that technically we had only 20 minutes left, but we always run over so that doesn't really hold water. I think he is not being honest, he is actually needing more time in his own head to work out what to do, it is out of his comfort zone.

The frustrating part is that I want to know what is going on in that part of me, in a safe space with him being reassuring. I need to know. It is important to me, as this is the part of me that I have shut off. I feel he is worried I may not come out of it, or that I may damage myself - I don't sense that he is confident here.

I have told him that it is causing me huge pain to be having this drag on week in and week out and that I would rather we just face it. I know I am scared but I still would rather face it than this agony I am in. I keep asking him to talk to that part of me directly and he just can't seem to. He always asks what 'I" think the little me needs. he cannot talk directly to her no matter how much I ask him to.

I think I am seriously flagging. I have been ill for a couple of days, in bed, aching etc and am both dreading and anticipating tomorrow. Will he do what I need or will he stall again?

I actually tried to walk out of my last session with him and I told him I hated him and in the same breath told him I don't really but a part of me hates him vehemently right now for keeping leaving me in this awful pain.

I just wanted to post this here and see if any of you have any guidance or advice for this. Or any comments really. I will see him tomorrow and then I shall see if he is still stalling.