Over the past two weeks, my T has said, "do what you already know how to do" again and again... and she has never said this before.

On Friday, she said it again in response to dealing with huge trigger (a guy wo followed me home and the police had to come deal with). I wasn't really even asing for any coping or grounding skills, but just trying to process my fears... and feeling like I didn't know how to feel safe with people right now and it was upsetting me. So my t days well, "do what you already know to do to ground and relax and put this all away for the weekend."

Just a few weeks ago, we hit a really rough spot in our relationship. I asked my t to do more dbt coaching. This is the full extent of it. And it was in a moment when I was trying to grapple my grief of not feeling safe anywhere with anyone - and no amount of grounding is making that go away.

Do what I already know how to do?

Ok, then why bother talking with her if that's all that is needed.

I can't remember the last time we talked through a dbt skill, we have been doing more processing... and being told I should do wat I already know to do isn't what I had in min. It makes me feel like I'm just a dork too.

I feel deeply insecure in the relationship w my t. Something came up last week where she was finishing up w someone in the hallway, and she was clearly trying to shut down the conversation (the woman just kept chatting as she went out the door) and they spoke of someone they both knew... not me... but had my same first name... and woman said "oh hasn't she turned out to be a lovely person?" My t said yes and quickly said bye (again) to this woman...

I walked into her office and I felt jealous. I wanted my t to think I was. al ovely person. And I felt intense self hate inside because thereKs no reason for my t to think that. I have never felt jealous like this with my t at all in any way... but I did then.

She says she accepts and supports me, but it feels like it is in a way like she accepts me inspite of all my failings ad what a pain I am and how could I question her acceptance of me.

I don't want to just be put up with. Accepted.

I used to feel like my t was my ally. That feeling is totally gone.

The worst thing is that if I try to talk to her about how I have lost the feeling of her being my ally, she just looks at me blankly and says 5hat she is... and she doesn't know what to do or say because she feels like she is my ally.

I'm supposed to go see her tomorrow. There is one practical thing I think we can work on...

But outside of that... I don't feel like there is anything else to talk about. Processing trauma or asking to work on dbt skills just keeps leading to her saying do what I already know to do. And many silences.

Maybe this is just done. Maybe she can't do anymore. Maybe I can't.

I want to work on why I feel the way I do about her, to sort out what it from the past, parts that feel familliar, things that don't and work on being in relationship w her and people in my life in new more trusting ways (whem the trust is warranted) or in ways were my fear doesn't run away from me. My t is accepting of me, well, she listens, validates... sorta... it seems like this would be good thing to work on in therapy... and yet...

It is just falling apart.

I keep thinking she giving up. Or trying to just tell me to get my act together.

Maybe she is... what could be another interpretation of her saying
"Do what you already know to do"? Run. I know how to run very well. I can do that. I'm just tired of it. It is not what I want.

I am looking into finding a new regular t, but no luck yet. I don't know how I could start over again.

I feel so sad...
jane