Hi greenleaf

I don't have any answers for you but, know how you feel - I also feel crazy.

Sending lots of hugs your way and hope that you find what you are looking for.

Hi Greenleaf,

I am sorry for all the struggles that you are going through, and for the disappointing experiences with therapy. It can be so discouraging to one's motivation to heal when therapy goes poorly. However, I'd like to encourage you to keep looking-- interview several Ts and who knows? You may find one that you feel is worth taking the trouble and money to work with, even on a tight budget. Therapy can be quite an investment, emotionally and financially, so I definitely understand that it's not something to jump into lightly.

If you do find that therapy is just not for you right now, I hope that you are able to find some other avenues of support and connection to help keep you going. Support groups, religious communities, even self help books or online resources can be a lot better than nothing when things get really tough.

Hang on in there and do your best to stay strong and care for yourself, because you are worth it!

P.S. Welcome to the forum!

(((Greenleaf)))

I'm so sorry you are struggling in this type of situation. Believe me when I say that many of us here feel alone, and also wonder if ending things would be better than forging ahead. I feel the pain you are going through, and I am hoping that you can turn to us here on the boards and work through these things and choose to not give up. Please have faith that things could improve. You've been so brave to take on a new identity and leave the environment that was harming you behind. I admire you for that.

Therapy is frustrating. I understand that. I think though most of the time when it's not working is because you haven't found the right therapist, or the right type of therapy. What type of T's were you seeing that you decided to terminate with? I had been so new to therapy when I started that I chose the WRONG T for me. She was very CBT oriented, and didn't understand one bit about attachment. This was a major issue for me. I got attached too quickly, she freaked out and then ended things abruptly with me. So, I gained from that experience to REALLY interview T's before you work with them to gain insight on how they work, and how they plan to help you in meeting your needs.

I really wish you the best. Reach out to us anytime.

Love, Brokes!

quote:

I don't think therapy is really for me

(((greenleaf))) I thought this way for years. I have even counseled others for years as a community minister, but didn't feel it was for me. It was my self-defeating behaviors getting in my way ~ not thinking I deserved help.

I did start therapy a year ago, thoughm and it has been the best thing I've done for myself. Even after a year I question if my T is right for me and if I should quit and/or find a new T, but that's my ego flaring up and wanting to protect self with old patterns. It's certainly not easy AT ALL. I feel much more pain and sorrow than I did a year ago - but it's different. It's not the despair of depression. It's actual, real feelings and not the numbed out from depression fog. I also feel joy at times now, and that is truly a blessing.

I hope you find what you need for your journey ~ blessings for you along your path

I'm glad therapy worked out for you, Raven. Maybe because you are a community minister and have counseled others, you are able to get more out of therapy.

I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown...lately I've found myself in a catatonic (think that's the word) state where I spend hours just sitting and staring. I know I should be looking for a new job and trying to meet new people, but I am literally so depressed that I feel sick every day. I am afraid to contact any of my old friends, because then my family might discover where I'm living and I want no contact with them. I think people are repulsed by me because I'm depressed.

I'm considering online counseling, but not sure if it would be effective. If anyone has tried online counseling and wants to share their experience, I would love to hear it. Feel free to PM me too.

greenleaf,
Last summer I was in a catatonic state and extremely depressed. I had su and couldn't feel any hope for the future because I didn't want to exist. I was having extreme anxiety attacks and knocking myself out with Xanax just to sleep and get through another day. I knew I wasn't getting better and finally went to the doc and reluctantly gave in to taking an AD. It gave me enough of a lift to finally something and start therapy. It's been a long road and have so far to go still. Don't quit on yourself. You deserve to feel better and have a good life. (((hugs)))

Greenleaf,

I have felt that way before as well. Does it feel hard to hear the voices calling from the other side of the chasm, that it's going to be ok?

For me, it would have helped to have someone simply tell me that they thought I was pretty cool, and that they are glad that I'm here.

I'm not going to give you platitudes or tell you to go find new friends, because that hurt me a lot to hear those things. But I'm not you.

What I will say is that many of us are willing to be here for you to help you through this in whatever way we can. I'm willing to tell you that I think you are pretty cool and am glad that you are here, and have you tell your story as you will. I'm here. Glad you are as well.

There was someone I found online whose services I have not used, but he seemed to be a good egg. If you PM me, I can give you the website. I do think it is important to find the right people to talk to, and that is a hard thing to do when you are exhausted with despair. AG may have some ideas as well.

quote:

Last summer I was in a catatonic state and extremely depressed. I had su and couldn't feel any hope for the future because I didn't want to exist. I was having extreme anxiety attacks and knocking myself out with Xanax just to sleep and get through another day.

This sounds like me right now, except I don't have Xanax! I'm glad that taking an AD worked out of you. I personally can't, because I'm on another medication (for an unrelated problem) that would conflict with AD's. I'm also only 20 and AD's have been shown to cause SU in young adults/teens so P's are wary of prescribing to people my age.

@number9 - thanks, I'm going to PM you : )

(((green leaf)))

Have you looked into the variety of natural remedies that help with mood and depression? I know a few people going the natural route with success. My goal is to work my way of the heavy meds to a more natural route. I do know it takes time for them to work in your body. Please hang in there and take care of yourself

Hi Raven,
I heard yoga is very beneficial but to be honest, did not really like it - though I understand there's many different types. I do try to eat well and exercise regularly by running and hiking though. If you or anyone here wants to suggest natural remedies they've tried, I would love to hear it though.

Right now a lot of the problems I have are linked to personal traumas and serious family problems. I'm only 20 and recently left home and changed my name to get away from an abusive family. I had to drop out of college in the process and am really lost now as I expected to graduate with a degree and need to support myself. All of my friends are either in my hometown or college and I'm cut off from them all now. No one fully understands how serious the situation is at home and I don't want to go back there.

Have you looked into any support groups or a local NAMI organization?

What I know of and have heard that works include: Complex B vitamin, DIM, Zinc, Omega 3's (double strength and lots of them!), Vitamin D (10,000), Sam-E, and at night a 5HTP

You could check out a health food or vitamin store and they probably sell blends for mood.

I did all natural back in my 20s with good success. Then in my 30s I "blocked everything out" with my psychopathic-filled family and stayed focus on my career and goals. Now, in my early 40s - everything started "leaking" out and now is a waterfall of trauma and emotions. I did start on prescribed ADs and anxiety meds when I started therapy and am pretty stable now. However, my goal this year is to ween off them and go back to a natural way.

Please keep us informed and many blessings to you!

also- saffron, which you can buy in capsules, and St. Johns Wort. Good luck!

Hi Greenleaf,

Since your original question was about therapy, allow me to jump back to that topic. For the past year, I have been going through a stormy relationship with my T. It started out distrustful, became amazing when I developed a strong attachment to him, then it crashed and has been deteriorating ever since. I am seeing a Psychoanalyst so he works with transference a lot. We are both seeing a pattern repeat from my real life relationships into the therapeutic relationship. It takes a very strong therapist to deal with rage, which I suspect you have given your past history. It also takes a strong commitment from the patient as we tend to give up when it feels like 'therapy is just another version of my real life hell'.

I encourage you to look into tranference based therapies. They are named as one of the effective therapies for complex PTSD, which you may want to look up to see if it matches with your sypmtoms. Also effective are DBT, Schema therapy and Psychodynamic therapies. Research the type of therapist you need, then find one whose credentials are top notch and who is kind, empathetic, non-judgemental and determined.

Take charge of the direction therapy takes you. Read up on the various types, read up on transference, attachment, personality disorders (c-ptsd, BPD would be expected given your history, but just consider those suggestions as a springboard for learning). I'm sorry if I'm way off base here, just making some observations based on my conversations with many, many others in similar circumstances.