Hey Affinity,

I have had a lot of trouble with making eye contact during my therapy. My T said that a lot of trauma survivors have trouble with maintaining eye contact due to shame. I don't know if this is true in your case, but I think it is the reason I can't look at him for periods of time.

For what it's worth,
LJB

Affinity,
I have the same problem and part of it is due to shame and the fear of being seen (I spend much of my sessions with my eyes closed, and my hands covering my face, but am coming out for longer periods of time and hiding less often) and fear of seeing my T's care. It can feel terrifying at times that he is being so nurturing. As LJB said, this is pretty common for trauma survivors.

AG

PS OTOH, when he is not looking at me, I really enjoy gazing at him.

I am really aware of this. I look out the window and know all the wires in his office very well. Every knick knack and book too. I recently asked where a certain, beautiful Italian "mask" he had displayed disappeared to. He said it's in his home and has been gone nine months. "You are looking at me more instead of over there". When I'm silent and looking around I cannot stand him looking at me and I can tell he tries very hard not to look at me. When I look at him and he does not see me, I love examining his face. A few times I've see this amazingly gentle, loving look in his eyes as he listened to me speak. I've never known that feeling and it was real. I think eye contant may have to do with how connected we are at a given time. The shame aspect is real too.

I used to stare at the previous T's shoes... eye contact was almost painful - infact, I'd say it WAS painful.

This T... I do make eye contact sometimes. I find it hard sometimes that she is looking at me - I even have to ask her not to sometimes, I can't bare it at all. That is about being 'seen' I think?

I make direct eye contact through most of the session. Not so when the kid is speaking or something is just too shameful.

I guess it's not common? T has commented on my "gaze" though I don't recall what she said.

Just as she is reading my body, my face, my eyes, I want to read her too, for a variety of reasons.

Yeah - same RT re. inner-kid speaking - no eye contact then. Often I say, I want to run away/hide behind the chair... it's a very intense feeling.

I was just thinking about this the other day after I left T2 because he kept trying to make eye contact with me by craning his head to meet my far off distant look I get when I am accessing painful memories or emotions. With T1, I think I have her feet ingrained in my brain. I try to be aware of making eye contact but sometimes I just fixate on an object in the room. For me it helps me access emotion and deep thought and helps me feel less threatened. I don't want to see peoples responses to my thoughts and feelings.

I can make direct eye contact with my T if it is a teaching moment. She does do some teaching outside of her practice and she sometimes gets into it. Since it doesn't seem so personal, I can look at her. But if it is anything at all about me personally, I just can't look at her. In fact, after my last session, I remember walking to my car thinking, I didn't know what the hell she was even wearing.

I don't like her looking at me either. She has sometimes turned her chair so she isn't looking at me directly when I am having difficulty telling her something.

Thanks for all the responses. They're all insightful. I think I struggle with eye contact because I do have fear of being seen (or having my feelings seen). The intimacy is uncomfortable, and I don't know what to do with it.

I apologize for not responding to everyone individually; it's been a really rough month for me and my energy has been low. But you're all appreciated.

in 20 years of different Ts i have never EVER made real eye contact ….. its too intense …

my 1st T, i can count on one hand how many times i looked up at her - 4 times - in a 7 year period. it was shame, and then it became a weird thing in that she went on and on and ON about it so much, it left me even more self conscious that i could NEVEr look up for fear of it being such a huge deal (and id feel more shame)

my 2nd T, i did look at her - buuuuuutttttt - i had my glasses off - so i could barely se her face anyway not once did she ever ask why i'd take my glasses off at the start of every session …

my 3rd T, i started by making eye contact - for several weeks - but when i started to talk more, i stopped.

my current T - same thing - but i looked up for even less sessions. maybe twice? then its all looking at my OWN feet. i honestly couldn't even say what colour shoes or trousers she had on.

i think its because i am so super sensitive to emotional intimacy. in therapy I've worked out that the relationship i had with my mother left me feeling she emotionally raped me - she invaded me and enmeshed me with her. i am so so so so super scared of anyone doing that to me, that i can't even tolerate (yet) eye contact in the intense setting therapy is.

its also a matter of 'black and white' in terms of how id feel or interpret any look my T had on her face - if she didn't react, id feel she didn't care - if she DID react, id feel it was going to result in a lot of scary pain - or emotional invasion.

i do one day - way way way in the future, want to be able to look up and see her. i caught her eye once - she came to a meeting when i was inpatient for anorexia, and id seen her that morning, then when i walked into the room (full of doctors), as i walked in, i caught her eye - she was halfway through a smile - she had seen me and smiled BEFORE i looked up - she would have smiled regardless of if i looked up or not - but i saw it. it was a kind, compassionate, encouraging smile. kinda breaks my heart thinking about it really

i know, i do miss out on a lot by not looking up

i also find it painful. last week i did a sneaky look (when i know she isn't looking, as she's writing) - she's so lovely and i feel so yucky; it just leaves me feeling sad