Cat I wish there was an easier way but I don't think there is any other route to healing than to accept the flashbacks as they come up, process them and move on. It is exhausting and frustrating but it will end eventually. that little one inside has needed to be heard for a long time and giving her a voice will ultimately set you free.

hugs xx

((((cat))))

(((Cat))) I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough, exhausting, and frustrating time. It sounds really hard. I'm so glad you have a T you can trust fully and can lean on some. I don't have any advice, but I do agree with GE. I think you'll probably have to process what's been coming up for you to move past it and heal the pain inside. From what I've read and seen around here, you are a smart, funny, and spunky person. You are so worth fighting for, Cat.

Just a thought/question that could be totally wrong and not helpful at all. I've spent the last, oh 8 months of T trying so hard to hold in my tears. I had been successful at that...but it was causing me to be so incredibly frustrated at myself. A few weeks ago, I went in, felt like I was going to cry...and just let myself. I didn't fight it. And I actually felt relieved when I left, felt really good about myself...for something that has always terrified me (me, cry in front of others?? hell to the no. not gonna happen) Obviously, there's more going on..like I think it has taken me this long to trust my T so I could allow myself to be open. But I'm just wondering....what if. What if, Cat, you went in and didn't fight your "inner child" or whichever emotions/memories are coming up? What would that be like? I know I pictured the most embarrassing things if I were to ever cry in front of someone. Like how horrible ha. But, nothing horrible or embarrassing happened and my T accepted me.

Sorry I'm comparing two totally separate things. But you seem like such a strong, determined person. You've been through so much and come so far in your T journey! Maybe your "inner child" just needs to you listen to her instead of fighting her? Your T sounds really great and like you can trust processing this with her. Anyway, I'm sorry for your pain Cat.

I always feel like I reply at such length, and it really embarrasses me I called my T last night to try to sleep and told her a lot of what I wrote in this post (not her... her voicemail). I'm tired of pushing myself, I don't know how to push an emotion... when I concentrate on it too much I get too many parts (thoughts) involved. My inner kid, at least the fun one, and I do tons of stuff together you'd think the whiney one would join... ARGH. I've told my T that sometimes I feel like an small shop of some kind... with a lot of interesting things for sale, many behind glass, but many out on the table (even if some of them are cheap knock offs of the real thing, behind the glass). And there are workers, actually way more than is needed to work at the shop. I sit in the back with all the paperwork and calculating every aspect of what's going on, and at the front I have some roaming around to help customers, but a big scrutinizing security guard - who looks very non-intimidating but is actually cutthroat on the inside. I have my childlike playful janitor and interior decorator, and a whole bunch of just... needed other people. But then in the utility closet in a cage I have this... hissing golem-like monster, and another cage on top with a meek rabbit like little girl and we just torment them... leave them in there, throw stuff in the closet, keep it locked and don't let anyone back there... heck if I could make the toilet flush in to the room I would. Neither of those parts will ever forgive me so they won't let me work with them... and in many cases I desperately don't want to. Anyway.. long explanation for a simpler story which is... I don't know the HOW in accepting or listening to those parts... they enrage me.


Thanks ladies

(((GE))) Processing is the hardest part - I don't know how. Well, that's BS... I do know how, but I don't like it and find it creepy to walk through with my T because it's like I sort of want to get it done on my own... which so far hasn't worked. I'm having a really difficult time listening to that 'little one' I can't let her cry, I can't let her say anything, I can't let her in my mind many times without beating her up. A mini inside of my head re-enactment I guess. My T goes with my process and I don't know if I can muster the strength anymore to push my own self. And, I don't even "believe" my flashbacks, it's all symbolic I think rather than factual so it makes it harder to explain to T... I can go with my feelings but my mouth burps out details as I try to understand the significance. Sorry for such a long reply... I'm sort of... thinking while I do. Thank you!

(((AG)))

(((erica))) Yep... I probably will have to process it if I can't think of a clever avoidance strategy. Thank you for the sweet compliments, they made me smile. Ugh... crying... for 2 years no tears for the most part. Then... there is the past 6 months or so where I can spend lengthy times in session salting my cheeks. The hell no and the shame is still there, and my T will mention 'it seems like you're fighting tears' and 'it's okay to cry' and those get to me... but I swallow them down and bark up a nice smart-butt comment to make myself laugh so... I can titrate. My T gets that gentle, comforting voice thing going and I'm immediately reminded I must look crazy or I feel ashamed because I dont "need" to be taken care of. Then, like you have said I feel that "manipulation" deal, ya know? Of course my T has to keep pressing the issue and will then move on to how I can't take in her care, etc. But I feel like I do!! But then I can't accept it... so she's right but WHATEVER that's just a technicality... right!? I don't know how not to fight how... so many times I'm logic my way out of things, laugh my way out of them, change the topic out of them, or if I don't I sit and waste my session in some sort of confused silence. I'm not sure if I'm afraid of the crying... afraid of the support... or both. I've told my T... I feel like I'm begging her to hate me, to scold me, and she understands but yet won't - obviously... It's not two separate things I think they are the same... sigh... thank you for helping me process.

Whilst we carry them they feel unmanageable. Once I shared them, they begun to fade. Reminds me of the saying 'that which we resist, persists.

Thank you Melba... you make sense. Sigh, sometimes I convince myself I can resist just fabulously enough to persist by bypassing it

quote:

(((GE))) Processing is the hardest part - I don't know how. Well, that's BS... I do know how, but I don't like it and find it creepy to walk through with my T because it's like I sort of want to get it done on my own... which so far hasn't worked. I'm having a really difficult time listening to that 'little one' I can't let her cry, I can't let her say anything, I can't let her in my mind many times without beating her up. A mini inside of my head re-enactment I guess. My T goes with my process and I don't know if I can muster the strength anymore to push my own self. And, I don't even "believe" my flashbacks, it's all symbolic I think rather than factual so it makes it harder to explain to T... I can go with my feelings but my mouth burps out details as I try to understand the significance. Sorry for such a long reply... I'm sort of... thinking while I do. Thank you!

Processing is like having teeth extracted with no anaesthetic - its awful, messy and leaves you screaming and struggling to breathe. I wonder if its creepy having T there because when these feelings came up as a child it wasn't safe to have anyone close while you felt that way - that it led to rejection, shame etc. I can really understand your tendency to turn on your little one - I did that for so long and eventually it all broke down. Treating her that way does make the situation more complicated (but please don't take that as me criticising you), yet is done in an effort to keep that awful pain walled off. Unfortunately it does need to come out to be healed. Is it impossible to believe your flashbacks because it can't be as bad as those flashbacks make it out to be? Kids don't lie about this stuff. You will survive it no matter how bad. They are feelings and memories from the past and you are safe now as an adult

Hi Miss GE

Oh I know you're not criticizing - it helps to hear the direction towards consequences I might be heading. I agree... it makes it obnoxiously worse, and I feel addicted to being abusive (familiarity... comfort). Is it okay to ask what happened when it all broke down? That is probably my greatest fear is here just crawling out of me Alien-style. But then I think... she's not strong enough anyway (and I'm pretty stubborn) [see how good I am at convincing myself everything is GREAT - I hate then I can see myself doing stuff that *shrug* I don't fix!@(#!]

I hope 'kids' don't lie, either way... it's stuff to go through I guess. I just wish I could give it different visuals.

argh, i'm still fighting it... I know

Hey kitty-cat

When it all came crashing down - I almost passed out during a session (my T literally caught me falling out of a chair) and once I lay down, I lost control and cried and cried and cried. Then I spent about 10 days crying more or less non-stop whenever my son was asleep. It felt brutal yet very healing.

But after that for the first time in my life I felt truly grateful to be alive. Most of my life has been a series of continuous sadistic jokes, traumas and heartbreak.

You have no idea how strong that little one is Cat. She's carrying sooooo much stuff, the depths of which you haven't clued onto yet.

I know you're still fighting it. It takes time to stop fighting it and then accept what's coming up and not get trashed by the tsunami's.

But if I can do it anyone can.

Hi GE!

Wow, I can't believe you almost passed out!! I know when things get intense for me I usually have nose bleeds, but not so much anymore! It's weird but I'm thinking to myself 'I don't think I'd react like that' I just don't even know... I just don't GET emotional for super long maybe I do and forget... or it's a personality thing or a problem thing. Sigh I feel like I don't do emotions "right".

I hope she will "be there" [my little Cat] some time. My P yesterday said, from what I explained to her, a lot of my stuff sounds pre-verbal right now (by the fact I can't EXPLAIN it). I am having "body memories" but I can't explain those either. They aren't BAD just remembering being cold... and some pain.

Hopefully I will stop fighting soon, but both of us... are pretty tough, and fabulously stubborn. Denying 'her' I know if she's anything like 'me' she's saying "pfft, I'll show you I can do it myself then if you want to be a b****'. we're a very polite crew in my head.

thank you for help processing this.

WARNING... SORT OF GROSS

I too experiencing almost passing out. On those days, my T. and I have to take time to slowly get me ready to leave because when I stand up that is when it happens. One time, I had to stay in her office for about an hour extra. Another time, I stood up and started to faint. I could feel it, but couldn't talk. T. saw it happening and grabbed me to get me to a chair. That time, she got me some crackers to eat. I don't remember much of it, but do know that when I started to bite one of them, I started to throw up, but thankfully stopped it. But when this was happening, I was handing her the partially eaten cracker AND what I had actually coughed out of my mouth that was in my hand (chewed up, mushy cracker with peanut butter).

T. was so good about it, I wasn't even embarrassed at the time, but later was. Since then, I laugh about it.

Sometimes the trauma work makes me so nauseated, that T. and I had to make a plan for when it does happen. I HATE THIS.

Sorry, to steal your thread with my stuff. I'm still trying to find a way to feel safe here. Starting a topic is impossible for me yet.

Hi RE,

My T considers it a high honor when someone can get sick in her office. I think since the second session she's pointed out where the garbage can in and exactly why and how it is a wonderful receptacle for half-digested or mid-masticated food stuffs. I'm so glad you weren't embarrassed at the time and could let yourself do freely what needed to be done to help yourself. I often feel like I'll get sick in Ts office, but... I'm not sure if I ever would.

You're not stealing 'my' thread at all I like when people talk about themselves and it's a discussion about the topic - not about me. I think that's a good way to relate, so thank you - this is a good way to find safety. I love to learn through others. That's what makes it very scary about starting topics, is because it does tend to focus on just you and just your issue and I'm much more comfortable when they a


-- update ---

I managed to 'let go' a little on my Ts voicemail last night. I feel like my T is 1,000 miles away from me right now. I realized last night, and could finally verbalize... that one of the things making it hard to communicate is my horrific fear of my T just being 'gone' right now. Almost all relationships I've had... I can take or leave and I don't like it "get to me" (it does... but I think it's just dissociated deep down somewhere). I feel sometimes like I could walk away from my life and start new and during the adjustment I'd be fine.

Anyway, I've been spending time outside of session feeling a real strain on the relationship. It feels like something has DRASTICALLY changed. I remember feeling this way when I first started therapy... that I would feel good then I would feel like she changed something and I would look for whatever that was... or whatever happened that would explain it. Now I know.... nothing needs to HAPPEN... sometimes I just feel that way. A lot of it is reacting to being too exposed or vulnerable and then having to move back. Then I think I confuse myself... because T is the same (I think - like right now... I'm not convinced yet) but I'm different so my connection is strained.

There are some real-world things changing about my Ts office and my schedule with her, so I think she/we can chalk it up to that... but I'm not sure. It could be that I've been feeling and having these flashback things IN SESSION and I feel SO intensely inside, deep inside somewhere, that maybe I feel like its exposed.

I don't know... last night a lot of my flashbacks all had words... tons of words. I couldn't write them down because when this sort of thing happens it's like there is a strobe light. Before I went to sleep I invited out my 'flashbacky self' (little parts, I guess) to process whatever was needed (I meant in my DREAMS)...

Holy gosh... okay so just as I was writing that... my T called. I had just realized/remembered the above while I was in the middle of typing it. So I was able to explain that's what I think/know happened. I feel so smart right now. I remember setting the intention last night saying I was inviting my inner child out to process, etc, etc. Sometimes it really helps. Or I will say 'okay... while we're sleeping if "anyone" wants to process how we can eat better, go ahead" or if I have a test the next day "okay... if possible I'd like to process xyz for my test". It's probably superstitious but setting an intention does help (like "the secret").

I was feeling so out of sorts while I was writing that update now I feel... in sorts. It was nice to hear T after I'd let her know about 3 flashbacks last night I was finally able to articulate. Weird ones... like one when I was 3ish walking with a diaper in my backyard with my Mom and she pushes me over then I instantly remember in the same spot her teaching me how to spell my name in chalk. Another one I am in a room in my house when I'm 3ish it was the living room only I was just sitting on the hardwood floor and there was no furniture and the room was way bigger than reasonable and I see light in the background and my dog is pacing in the kitchen, and I'm looking at something on the wall that is big and black and above my line of sight (a tv? a window?) and I'm just sitting there. Both of them I get a feeling of sadness but like a frowny/pout type of sadness not much more than that. The other one is just a non-triggering body feeling.

Anyway it is SO NICE to be able to get some out. These ones at least... start small. Just talking to my T... I feel better and settled for now. I both love and hate that that connection can do that.

quote:

Anyway, I've been spending time outside of session feeling a real strain on the relationship. It feels like something has DRASTICALLY changed. I remember feeling this way when I first started therapy... that I would feel good then I would feel like she changed something and I would look for whatever that was... or whatever happened that would explain it. Now I know.... nothing needs to HAPPEN... sometimes I just feel that way. A lot of it is reacting to being too exposed or vulnerable and then having to move back. Then I think I confuse myself... because T is the same (I think - like right now... I'm not convinced yet) but I'm different so my connection is strained.

Thanks for this thought, cat. I think it helps explain some of what's been going on for me too. T tells me to stop focusing on the process, but I keep saying these feelings are part of the process...aren't they??? Confusing.

RabbitEars