Hi emerald,
I think it's nice that your T accepts gifts from clients. But I believe that is a debatable topic in the field and it is really up to the individual therapist whether they will accept gifts from clients or not.

My T apparently accepts gifts at least up to a point. We've never discussed her policy on gifts, but her office is full of them and then there are the occaisional bouquet of flowers on her desk. She always seems to display the gifts in her office which I am sure is meaningful to the clients who give them.

I gave her a copy of a book I wrote for my daughter as I was working on it while in therapy and she asked to read it. So I decided to give her a copy and I wrote a sappy message on the inside cover that brought tears to her eyes. Another time I had a bit of a breast cancer scare (found lump, worried, made appt w/ new Dr. I had never seen before, meanwhile told T who confessed she is a 2X survivor, went to appt, Dr. set me up for mammogram stat, results returned needed ultra sound, get call from Dr. "Must have surgical consult next day," Surgeon removed fluid from benign cyst) It was quite an ordeal that had me quite upset but allowed for a very special moment in time for my T to demonstrate the depth of the therapeutic relationship and that she will be there for me through anything. Upon leaving the Dr.s office I noticed a basket of pink ribbon pins and grabbed one for myself, one for my daughter, and one for my T. She pinned it to her fanny pack she wears when she does the Breast Cancer Walk. (That has meanning to me as my mother survived breast cancer in her forties but lost her 2nd battle with it 20 years later. In so many ways my T is everything my mother should have been, and --would-- have been if she _could_ have been.)

Sorry for that diversion, but I include it since that is the only two times I have ever given my T a gift and both times she never hesitated accepting them. Now I know some would. But in short, it is really up to the discretion of each T if they accept gifts and what limits they have if they do.

I don't think it is unethical unless there are some questionable ties in the giving or recieving of the gift. I suppose someone could smudge such a simple yet meaningful gesture. And to avoid that possibility, that may be why some T's have a general policy of no gift giving.

JM

It seems like everyone has such personal relationships with their therapists. My relationship with my T is strictly professional. I literally know nothing about him in terms of his personal life, and I'm not sure I would want to know anything. While he's very in tune with my feelings, he's pretty stoic in terms of his own.

Wow, I just realized something in writing this. The reason I would feel freaked out if my T became emotional in one of our sessions is that I would see this as some kind of weakness on his part. I feel like he needs to be strong, not "weak" and emotional. That's my job.

Gee, do you think I still see men who are emotional as weak and abnormal?

Russ

quote:

Gee, do you think I still see men who are emotional as weak and abnormal?

Russ, I wouldn't blame you if you did. After all you learned about emotions being a sign of weakness, that doesn't just fade away easily at our will. With a somewhat blank slate and you knowing very little about him, your T can be just what you need him to be. If he is somewhat stoic in showing his emotions right now it may be because that is all you can accept from him right now. It also may be that is an intrinsic part of his character, I would not know. You say yourself you know very little and you're not sure you'd want to know anything. It sounds like a perfect fit.

I do beleive that as we continue to progress and make those internal shifts, that our relationship with our T's shift too and we begin to see things we couldn't see before because of those filters we inherited from our FOO.

My T is very maternal and I think that is how she is in "real life." And I NEED that. It works for me, but that might not work for just anybody. But I do not know that much about her personal life. She is careful to keep firm boundaries while at the same time being authentic enough and true to life so that I can relate to her. I think for me that is important in my attachment regulation and my ability to explore the world through the new lens she helps create for me.

You raise some interesting thoughts to ponder.
JM

JM,

You hit the nail on the head (as usual ). We all have different needs from therapy. Some need the stoic, others need the more emotionally responsive. It's what makes the whole process so mysterious.

I love your use of the word "lens" in regard to changing how we see the world as a result of therapy. It's the perfect analogy.

Russ

Russ,

My T is a female and doesn't seem all that emotional to me. We have a very professional relationship and that's how it's always been with me and my Ts, until my son's T, who I developed a strong attachment to rather quickly and become very dependent upon. She showed her emotions and much of herself to me, and I'm sure that was why I became so attached.

For others that sort of relationship with a T has turned out to be very positive. Because of my particular situation (my son switching Ts and me no longer being able to see her as a T because of that), it has caused a lot of pain. I really prefer my T, at least right now, who is a little distant and stoic. It seems so much safer to me.

As far as gifts go, I think it's OK to give a gift as long as it's not too expensive or personal. If I do give a gift, it's usually something they can display in their office or use at work.

OW

Emerald,
Your timing on this topic is great for me. I've been working on a counted cross stitch piece I designed and made as a thank you for my therapist (I've posted about it before) and I just dropped it off to be framed. I'm planning on giving it to him as soon as I get it back from the framer's which I'm hoping will be before my appt next Wednesday. I'm pretty sure that my T accepts gifts. But the look of his office, he either accepts gifts or that man has a serious knick-knack problem. I'm a little nervous about it but I really don't think he'll have a problem with it. And JM is right, accepting gifts is something each therapist decides for themselves. You just need to ready to discuss it. Like everything else you do in therapy, especially as it pertains to your relationship with your T, an action like gift-giving can often carry implications beyond the obvious. There can be a lot of different motivations for giving a gift: attempting to balance power, seduction, wanting to be special, gratitude, cultural norms, etc etc. If your therapist thinks something's up, they'll pursue the subject. But honestly, in most cases, where clients give gifts to their therapists, I think its like most of our gift giving. One of the ways we express ourselves in our close relationships is through gift giving. And I don't think therapists are any different in that regard.

Of course, all that said, I'm going to give it to him at the beginning of a session in case we do need to discuss it although I really have thought it about it and at least consciously, its something I wanted to do to express my gratitude for how he's changed my life.

AG

AG
I would imagine that since you made the gift and didn't just buy it, your T would be happy to accept it. I think that T's just might not be willing to accept something that was expensive or too personal. I bring my T flowers from my garden, jam that I made from my apricots, oranges from my yard and cookies that I made at Christmas. She has always accepted them graciously and immediately puts the flowers in a vase and places them on the little table next to us. She knows that it makes me feel better to give her these things and that it is my way of saying how thankful I am for how she has effected my life. Hope it all goes well for you.

Emerald
Sorry I didn't get a chance to say hi and welcome until now. Keep posting here, this board has helped me so much and all the members are fantastic supporters.

PL

My T is female, and I don't even know how to describe her. She is very caring,honest, and encouraging. She has really been there for me.
It took awhile for me to open up to her. I really trust her, and I know she is very sincere.

I gave her a small picture in a Christmas card. It was of something that meant alot to me and was significant of a "aha moment".

I was surprise she was so taken by it. Made me feel good. It was just my way of showing how thankful I was for all she has done for me, and where I want to get to.

I guess all T's have there own rules on gifts. I am sure that if it is not appropriate it will be mentioned.

Kats

I want to add my welcome, Emerald. BTW, emeralds are my favorite gemstone.

Regarding gifts. I have given my T a few gifts. Some have just been herbs and tomatoes from our garden. Other gifts have been small tokens all under ten dollars. I didn't give him a Christmas gift because he does not celebrate Christmas. I brought him a small gift from my Caribbean vacation and gave him another gift after I had made a big decision with his help. It was something every inexpensive but meaningful to our work together. I do have plans to give him another small gift to mark our one year anniversary of working together. I know he accepts inexpensive, appropriate gifts. The first gift I ever gave him was a food gift of something that I made for Easter. I was so nervous but he accepted graciously.

I think if it's something you wish to do then you need to examine your reasons and be prepared to discuss it with your T.

TN

I gave my T one gift last Feb or so. it was something i made for her. I asked her first if she would take it and of course we talked all about why I wanted to give it to her. Anyway I gave it to her like 2 weeks later when it was finished. It is still in her office. I don't see many other "gifts" around so it feels good that she has kept it out. Last summer I knitted her a lace scarf but didn't give it to her cuz I didn't want to push my luck. I told her just before Christmas that I really wanted to give it to her but I could tell she was conflicted about taking it so I asked her to "borrow" it over the break. She took it. I don't know if she actually wore it or anything and I expect I'll get it back when I see her again Mon but I'm glad she at least held onto for a little while. I have made a dozen other things for her over the years but have never even brought them up. Some I have kept and some I have given to friends but in my heart I know they were really for her.

thanks for the replies. I think that boundaries change from therapist to therapist and also from the types of therapy that you do.