Give Me Strength

spagirlMember

After the last incident with my mother, two Sunday's ago, I have been strong in "giving her a wide berth" - or in other words, I have fought my habit of calling her. Usually, I call her every morning just to say "Hi" and to hear her boring stories of the boring life that she leads. But, she IS my mother, and I feel that is what a daughter is "supposed" to do. I am wise enough to realize that some day I won't have that choice, so I call and I listen.

But something changed in me after she had insulted me for the billionth time. I was telling her the adage of you can't kick a dog and expect it to keep coming back to you. It will eventually run away for good.

I feel the pain of separation. Then I stop myself and think of how much worse the pain of reaching out to my Mother only to have her hurt me is --- cold chills permeating every aspect of my being.

I'm tired of all of it. I'm tired of reaching out to her and having her take what "should" be a cherished moment together and shitting all over it. I'm tired of thinking I have a "family" when they live 20-miles from me, but never call me - all year - and then we are supposed to get together for Christmas and act like friends. I'm tired of the bullshit. I'm tired of being made to feel "weird" or less than. You know, I LIKE myself. I am a kind, caring, and considerate person who never seeks to hurt someone on purpose. But time and time again mom will position me as that person, when, in fact, she is the instigator. I'm tired of her bullshit Hallmark cards professing her love and admiration for me, while her actions and words completely contradict those images. I'm tired of being tortured daily --- even when I don't call, my mind is still in that place of instability, fearing when the next attack will come. I'm tired of not feeling SAFE with my own mother.

I'm asking for strength because I am weakening and that is my pattern: she abuses me, I go away ... time helps me to heal and I reach out to her again ... we get along for a while and then another strike ... REPEAT.

The therapists always say, "You can't change someone else, you can only change yourself." She has been this way since I turned eleven. I am constantly looking back on the events of my life, and seeing what weird things she has done in it. It's like a movie loop I can't turn off.

Every night, I dream about my "family" or the family I once knew as a child. The characters who were "supposed" to have played a major role in my life, but who have all but vanished from it now. And, it's just as well. We have nothing in common, they don't or can't understand me as the person I am --- I don't fit into their square peg, square hole life. It's not that I'm "different" in any way, which is what is so confusing. I don't know what it is about me that they don't like, other than I'm not a carbon copy of them.

It's a VERY lonely place right now.

I thought about moving to another city, farther away where the images might fade a little. But what would I do? I already have what a person would want: a nice house, a nice job/career, nice hobbies, pets, etc. I like the city I am living in now, but the thoughts of my separateness are torturing me. Reaching out again isn't an option. The kind of person I want to reach back isn't there.

Help me. I'm not calling my Mother, but the pain isn't going away.

"I wish I could hit my mother": http://psychcafe.ca/eve/forums...91009181/m/866103954

and from LAST year

"Mom is Crazy": http://psychcafe.ca/eve/forums...431083026#5431083026

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10/19/098:14 AM

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spagirlMember

Thanks, HB, for the support.

What do you do when someone is flat out insulting you and trying to pick a fight on such a beautiful day/outing, etc.?

Like I have shown in the past, she is relentless. She will not stop until she has you inflamed and wanting to hit her.

Other times, I have stayed calm, and have asked in a reasonable way for her to "please drop it", but she won't listen to reason.

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10/19/099:49 AM

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spagirlMember

It sounds very Buddhist. Hendoku Iyaku - Changing poison into medicine.

On the other hand, imagine you are standing in a firing line and your object was to "have a good day" while the arrows or bullets came at you at speed. It's impossible. Not even the Ninja can (saw that one on MythBusters!).

I didn't realize that it would take the strength of a Ninja to spend a lovely Sunday walk in the park with my mother, but I guess it does.

Sorry if this is sounding snarky, but I don't know what else to say. Especially, when you can feel the tension start to build when she gets in the car. Maybe it's just the history of bad experiences, but my protective armor goes into overdrive because I don't know if she's loading the gun or not. (She was.)

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10/19/0910:25 AM

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spagirlMember

Hi HB,

I've had some time to think about what you said, and I get it a little deeper now. It IS the letting go. There is a place of "wanting" and like pining over an unrequited lover, you get stuck in that place where the wanting is taking over the rest of your existence. To let go of that is transformational.

I spent the day NOT calling her. I went about my business, and fortunately had an afternoon with a horse that I love and adore, and felt really good today. I fought my instinct to call her after riding to see if she wanted to meet for dinner. I was feeling good and I wanted to reach out. But remembering that she isn't capable of being the person I WANT to reach out to, liberated me from that desire.

I came home and busied myself with preparing dinner and the phone rang. It was her. I answered and she talked. I kept doing what I was doing and let her have her time to contact me. I kept it (we both kept it) light and civil and that was it. She said she just wanted to call to see how I was. We didn't discuss the Sunday disaster, or bring up anything leading to a deeper discussion. I realized that that is all it can be. She ended the conversation with "I love you". and I replied, "I love you, too, Mom.", then went about my cleaning.

A therapist once told me to "grieve the loss of your mother" and, as a smart-ass, I replied "But she's not DEAD yet." But I get what she was saying ... grieve what you wish you had, but don't. My mom will never be that "Paula Deen" or "Judi Dench" warm and fuzzy "let's all celebrate for the heck of it" kind of person. She loves me. I love her. WHY she switches to a cruel, criticizing person I'll never know. But realizing that my fate, my life, doesn't need to be intertwined with HER outlook on life, will be my way out.

I WISH I had a warm, fuzzy mother, one I could turn to in times of strife and get some wisdom and comfort, but I don't. I realized that I can't SHARE with her. I can't open my heart to her. It has to remain "at arms length" - which is so unlike who I am. But that is the only way I can honor myself and stay safe.

The NOT wanting has to be stronger than the WANTING.

It is sad, though.

Maybe that is part of the "grieving" process?

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Thanks, HB.

Love.

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10/19/096:22 PM

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strummergirlMember

Hi SpaGirl,

I love how you handled this with your mother today. It sounds like you set a boundary, and she noticed. I think it's okay to set boundaries when someone's behavior is poisoning us, even if that person is our mother, father, etc. From your description of how you feel, it sounds very much like how I feel when someone's behavior is toxic to me.

Your post has been on my mind all day today, partly because my mom's mom's death on Sunday morning has brought me back in contact with my own mother. I've reached out to her a few times, but she's still giving me the silent treatment, even in the midst of what is supposed to be a time of grieving for her. But I'm going to keep doing what I would do even if she was talking to me, and I have absolutely no expectations of her whatsoever. I know, I've got it pretty easy - much easier to deal with the silent treatment, than with direct attacks. But she knows better than to hit me with a direct attack because of the boundaries I put up earlier this year.

Earlier today when I was thinking about our moms, I got to thinking about my ex-T, and my current T, and how differently they have responded to the same person, me. And it made me wonder, how much of the way each one of them responds to me, has to do with me?

I heard a song once with the chorus "You can't treat the right man wrong, and you can't treat the wrong man right." It means if I make a mistake with someone, and they are "right" for me, they'll be open to repairing the relationship (assuming that I'm trying, and haven't done anything too heinous). And if they are "wrong" for me, they won't be open to repairs no matter how much I try, and even if I'm not wrong, I'll offend them eventually. I think this principle could be extended to my T's, and maybe even to relationships in general. All other things being as equal as they can be, the condition of a person's heart has so much more to do with how they respond to the same person, don't you think?

This clicked at a gut level for me earlier this year with my mother. It is very freeing and allows me to feel some compassion for her, albeit from a distance. And it's beginning to help me disengage from what happened with my ex-T. If you couldn't tell, I saw my T again today and I'm feeling better, and obviously really talkative. I just want to tell you I really support your putting up boundaries in a caring way, just like you did, in order to protect yourself from being dragged down. If we're dragged down we can't be good for anyone, especially if they're the ones doing it in the first place.

By the way, I just had to tell you: Today I rescued a caterpillar from being smucked by a door. And I thought of you and smiled