I actually think that was a great idea to share that. It helps to communicate your experience. Your T might choose not to watch it, but I don't see any reason why she would be annoyed by your sharing it. If she doesn't want to watch it on her own time, you could probably just watch parts of it in session.

Thanks Alpaca. I hope you are right.

When I wrote the email I was so engrossed and reflective that I automatically wrote with the assumption that my T would find the documentary and commentary as fascinating and thought provoking as I did. So, even though I didn't specifically ask her to watch it, I did say I wondered what she would think, and I think the expectation that she would want to watch it comes through pretty clearly in the email. I just hope it doesn't seem peremptory. :/

It will be interesting to see what she has to say about this when I see her Wednesday, if she doesn't email me back before then.

Hmm, well I think it's quite understandable for you to have been so wrapped up in it at the time, but you didn't do anything wrong. I can tell this is going to be an interesting conversation for you on Wednesday, whether she watched it or not!

Pretty much! I'm having a harder time than usual waiting for this session. Time feels like it's crawling.

I guess rationally I agree with you that I didn't actually do anything wrong. One thing I hate about this therapeutic relationship is that I always *feel* like I'm doing something wrong, even though T never does anything to make me feel that way! We end up talking over this kind of thing a lot.

I know if she does watch the video it will facilitate a lot of conversations it would be really good for us to have. I hope she sees it that way, and not as a nuisance.

((((HIC))))

I've given my T several articles and he's always been very respectful. The last time I gave him an article he told me to hightlight the parts that were particularly relevant to me. It sounds like your T would be appreciative too! I hope so!

xoxo

Liese

Thanks for the hugs, Liese. This has continued to build in my mind. I find that I want so badly for T to have some understanding of this area of my past, so that it will be easier for us to discuss the effect it has had on me. I also really want to know she is interested enough in me to care to look at information that I send her and obviously think is important.

Anyway, I'm at the point now that I know I will feel hurt and disappointed if I see her tomorrow and it turns out she hasn't seen the video (or at least read the commentary), and I really don't want to have to deal with those feelings. I'm a little mad at myself right now for having set myself up for this, especially during a two and a half week break, but oh well. I'm supposed to see T tomorrow evening. We'll see how it goes. . .

((((HIC))))

It may feel like you've set yourself up HIC, but I think it's great that you are aware that it's important to you. When I gave my T material to read, he commented at first that he didn't know when he'd be able to get to it. I felt a little hurt, like I wasn't important to him. And then I think in the very next session or so, he had in fact read it and makes an effort to read everything I give him. But I too would feel like my T didn't care about me if he didn't put in the effort. Of course, I wouldn't expect her or him to do anything in lightening speed. But I agree with you that it might help her understand you more and help you to be able to talk about it.

Maybe you could even acknowledge at the beginning of your session that it's important to you that she see it and you know you will feel disappointed if she hasn't seen it and you're struggling with those feelings. Just be upfront about it. That seems to work best in therapy! LOL! But it's the hardest thing to do!

xoxoxo

Liese

Okay! Well, I'm back from tonight's session. It was good, but I worked hard and am feeling a bit drained from it all.

T definitely managed to surprise me. As I've said, I had a lot of anxiety over whether she would have watched the video and/or read the lengthy commentary on said video that I sent her the links for and email about. What I'm referring to as commentary, btw, was a detailed review/critique of the video that I found on a blog. The blog article and the many comments on it made for some emotionally dense reading, but for some reason I hadn't considered that this might have an effect on T. I just wondered if she was going to bother with looking at it all or not, and I was worried that she might not care enough to think it was worthwhile or important.

Well, when I got in today T brought up my email before I even had a chance to. She had, indeed, read the blog article and the comment thread following. She had a lot of thoughts about what was written, in general and more specifically in how she thought the experiences described related to some of the issues I've been having. She spoke rather rapidly and a great length, for T, as she normally has a style of offering just a few sentences of laid back analysis here and there. She seemed a little agitated, and she told me freely that reading about those things had been upsetting and difficult for her. I don't think she was trying to guilt me for sending it to her, but more validating that some of the things that happened were actually pretty bad.

Well, when I asked her if she had happened to watch the video, she hesitated a bit, then admitted that she hadn't seen it yet, although she intends to some day. She told me that the reason she didn't watch it was because she didn't think she could handle it after reading the commentary. She said she was worried she might not be able to sleep afterward. :/

So, yay me, I triggered my T. That was obviously not my intent. I am still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that she apparently had a more emotional response to something related to me than I did/do. It's touching, but a bit bewildering. Like I wonder a bit what I'm missing? At a later part in our session today she actually teared up when I disclosed something about my past. I felt moved, too, not by what I had disclosed but by the fact that she was moved. It confused me a little because I couldn't have been further from tears myself over the actual disclosure. I actually felt rather detached and clinical about it.

This is all so weird. Does T care about me more than I care about myself? Why would she and what does this mean?

Something about today's session makes me think I still have a long ways to go. . .

Oh HIC, that is so lovely to read. Isn't it touching when our T's manage to feel for us things we can't yet manage to feel for ourselves? Maybe it's hard to wrap your brain around right now, but I think it's very healing the more you allow it to sink in.

Thanks Alpaca. Letting the care sink in is something I can do in bits and pieces, but am hindered by the fact that I always wonder *why* she should care.

Incidentally, re-reading all my posts on this thread it seems I have been unnecessarily vague about the content of the video and the natures of my experience in cultish life. Not meaning to be mysteriously dramatic, I should say it's nothing violently horrific. However, there was/is a sinister and subtle kind of mind control going on that tends to cross the line into emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuse. The video was just an examination of how those elements are at work in the particular group I was associated with. I'd post the links here only it feels a bit too personal. Anyway, I don't deny my experiences there have had some negative effects on me (obviously), still I don't entirely see why reading about it bothered T quite as much as it did. Maybe when I'm more fully healed I will be re-sensitized and feel things more the way she does? Meanwhile I'll just keep showing up for therapy, trying to soak in her care, and learn as much from the relationship as I can.

She has given me lots to think about this week, by responding the way she did.

(((((HIC))))

This is going to be short but I'm so glad T read the blog and the comments. She sounds terrific. I'm really glad she came through for you.

Liese