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Gobsmacked

affinityaffinityMember
So, a few sessions ago, I discussed with my T the perception I had of sexual tension in the room. He (thankfully) never revealed any feelings he had, and for a couple of weeks afterward I did really well with managing my emotional intensity - feeling balanced for the first time since...birth...maybe.

Then, last week we had a session in which, at the very end, he said, "That's how I can admire you without desiring you." It should have been an amazing relief to hear him say that, but I immediately felt shattered. It brought up so many things for me: shock that my feelings weren't as reciprocated as I assumed, envy over his ability to separate admiration from desire (which I cannot do), frustration for shattering my fantasy, shame for having said fantasy in the first place, and powerlessness.

I instantly leaped into denial mode and my ET soared to obsession. It was so bad that I nearly had a panic attack a couple of days later.

General rule of thumb for myself: if something sucks that bad, I've got to talk it out with T. But holy hell, talk about uncomfortable. I was rubbing my little stuffed cat against my face during yesterday's session like a damn 4-year-old to keep myself grounded.

But T was awesome as usual; he wasn't the least bit surprised or upset at my reaction. In fact, he had realized right after he spoke that his words might bring some of this stuff up for me.

Then he said something that just totally blew me away: "When I said that, it was really an invitation for you to connect more with me."

Wow. I'm still trying to process that.

I have been thinking about attachment lately. At one point, I thought attachment would have been a given, but lately I've found myself in sort of a middle ground where I don't feel too emotionally invested in the therapy relationship. I guess there is a part of me that still fears abandonment and shame. Even before this session, though, I was wondering if maybe I should give myself permission to be more emotionally intimate with T.

Now I'm wondering, is he inviting me to become attached?
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True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi Affinity... Yes. I do believe your T is inviting you to attach to him and to move closer. He is also trying to separate (for your benefit) the erotic feelings from the loving feelings. That makes him more safe for you to move towards. My T has told me that it's okay and even normal for a T to love their patient. It's when they FALL in love with a patient that things can go bad because then the T's feelings enter the room and his needs come into play in the relationship. And they don't belong there.

Your T may also know that if he really did express sexual desire for you that you would run like hell or totally freak out. You really don't want that. Oh you can play in fantasy but the real thing would be very scary. If you can solve the erotic part of the feelings you have (which I think may be a combination of things from your past and also a way to avoid other feelings and topics that make you very uncomfortable)then you can recognize what you do need and what would be the healthy part of a loving and close relationship with your T.

Attachment may be a given but like me, you are probably getting in your own way of it blossoming and making it useful to help you heal.

I do think it's worth having some additional conversations about attachment with T and how it will help you move forward.

Hugs
TN
affinityaffinityMember
quote:
Your T may also know that if he really did express sexual desire for you that you would run like hell or totally freak out. You really don't want that. Oh you can play in fantasy but the real thing would be very scary. If you can solve the erotic part of the feelings you have (which I think may be a combination of things from your past and also a way to avoid other feelings and topics that make you very uncomfortable)then you can recognize what you do need and what would be the healthy part of a loving and close relationship with your T.


Yes. My T has actually said all of the above on a couple of occasions. The ET does a lot of different (seemingly contradictory) things for me: distracts from my pain, simulates intimacy, keeps me from real (scary) intimacy, feeds my (false) sense of power, feeds my shame, etc.

T and I discussed this a little bit yesterday. He said the little girl inside of me has (age-inappropriate) erotic desires caused by abuse. Of course, it would be horrifically destructive to cater to those desires. Rather, the desires indicate a real need for something else - like when a child is screaming to eat a whole tub of ice cream. He said when the ET comes up so strongly, I should ask my inner child what it is she really needs.

Yeah, I have a feeling that next session will include some sort of discussion about attachment - and that my therapy cat is going to get another workout.

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