((((ATHENACUS)))

It has to be difficult thinking about leaving although it also has to feel good that your T thinks you are ready.

Thanks Liese!


Our session went fine today. I had a lot to discuss and she had a lot of questions for me, so with only 5 minutes left I brought up the termination thing. T looked a bit shocked at first. Then, she said that she could try to extend my insurance. I reminded her of what she had said the last few sessions about end dates and the possibility of me working at the clinic in a couple of years. I told her that this brings up a lot of feelings for me and that we need to talk about it. She wrote it down to start off with next session. That would leave only 2 to 3 sessions left. Is that enough to do a termination?
If we decide to terminate this is going to be incredibly hard! I've spilled my heart out to this woman for over 2 years! She's shared her life with me as well. I love her (in a client/therapist type of way)!!!
How on earth can I let her go?

Thanks for the suggestion draggers!
I have part of my termination "book" already typed up. There are a few things I need to add.
I would like to do a review of past positive therapy sessions (highlight certain points) and a bit of the negative things that T and I worked through. I also want to include what I plan on working on to facilitate my personal growth. I will probably be getting a new T that is closer to my school building and is free! I hope that in two years T and I can be colleagues and be able to work together in some capacity.

I know the next two sessions are going to be incredibly difficult and filled with tears, but also tears of joy and happy memories. I see T in a few days! Hooray! I'm looking forward to this!

Happy for you and hope you have a very rich and fulfilling ending!

D'oh! Now I feel torn about leaving T!


Today I stopped and asked my T training advisor her advice on the ethics of me possibly interning at the same clinic my T works at. I told my advisor we were ending and there would be a two year no contact period. My advisor sounded rather pessimistic about it because of the boundaries/mult. relationship and power differential thing. My advisor is known to be really tough and strict, so that is just her way. I know my T is more open and flexible with boundaries. Besides T is the one who brought it up to me a month or so ago. I didn't ask her about interning there. Another thing...T might not even be there in two years, so it might not matter anyway.

I'm just rambling and feeling conflicted. I think my thinking is that if there is no way in hell that my school and T's clinic would let me work there in two years, then I could find a way to pay T without insurance and still be T's client. If there is a chance of me being able to work at that clinic, then I need to stop being a client soon.
I'm also getting emotional about leaving T. Not abandonment issues...just the ending of a good therapeutic relationship/working relationship.
Well, By this weekend I will more than likely no which direction I'm going in. Maybe I'll go get some sleep and that will help clarify things for me.

Thanks for all the hugs, suggestions and support!

Update from today's session.

We are down to only one more session.
Why am I having a hard time letting go? I was bound and determined today to be ok with ending. During the session I was brave and relaxed. I felt fine, but a little confused too. T talked about us ending as her door is always open and I can come back at any point in the future. In my mind I was thinking that we are ending and I was going to get a referral or start seeing someone new closer to my school (for free).
T seemed to back track a bit on the offer to intern at her place of work. She just said she didn't know the rules on that (her supervisor would know).
I asked T how we end. I had a certain way of ending planned out in my head and reading my "book". That didn't work today. T didn't seem to want to talk about us and our relationship. I felt an almost emotionlessness from T, but not mean...just a distance from her. T was talking more about how when I first came in to where I am now summed up in three to five sentences. With only 5 minutes left I didn't feel like I had said anything that I wanted to.
So, I begged (it felt like that anyway) to get one more session with her. I plan on going over my "book" and telling her what I feel I need to say before I leave. I also feel that I need a hug to end properly. Before the end of this month I will be done.

Hmmm...maybe my T just doesn't do terminations in the way that I was thinking. I'm going to end up crying next time I know it.
I cried when I got home from session today. Man, I'm going to miss my beautiful wonderful T!

ok...I think I'm going to cry myself to sleep right now.