I don't mean to come off as patronizing but are you sure you want to say goodbye?

I'd suggest giving it two weeks from his return, at least, before making that determination. There is probably a lot of abandonment stuff being stirred up right now, and it's easy to either want to react to it or else shut down to survive it and then feel like we don't even need to be there anymore. However, if you're determined, I really don't think there's a right or wrong way to say goodbye and focusing on the positive is a nice way to go.

Hi TAS,

The return from a vacation is challenging. So many feelings have come up during that time and I completely understand wanting to say goodbye. I just went through this after a little break from my therapist. Upon her return, I have noticed myself find it SO difficult to get back into the groove of a relationship with her. I thought of just quitting. BUT, then I realized that it was an underlying fear of confronting my feelings. I hope you will go back to see your therapist and just chat. Give it some time and be gentle on yourself.

Thanks for all of your replies

I honestly think it is easier if I don't have to see him.

Turtle: Do I want to say good-bye? No. I feel it is the only way, though.

Yaku: If I give it two weeks I will be right back in the grip of 'therapy' and then won't leave.

Finding Ainsley: Thank you. At least I am having one final session with him...before now I would have just walked away.

T.

Hi TAS,

Just thinking about you. I am wondering what you mean when you say that you don't want to say goodbye, but it's the only way? Why do you feel like goodbye is the only option? Just curious?

Thank you Hollow I don't think I am cut out for counseling. I don't understand the concept of someone coming to see a Therapist because they are struggling so...they are looking to the Therapist because they have exhausted all other venues (which I had before finally realizing how desperate the situation was)...only to be greeted with, "What do you want to talk about today?" It is confusing to me because I want to say, "I came to you for help. You are the expert. HELP ME. If I knew what exactly I needed to talk about...I would not need you." It just does not make logical sense to me. Perhaps someone could explain this to me.

Hugs Hollow. I am glad I have all of you here, as well

FA: I love your name. Unique. I am not a very 'feely' person...not good at saying how I feel and really just don't want to go there with him regarding the struggles I had while he was away. Therapists can come and go as they please, leave a back up number to another Therapist...and we just have to suffer through. I don't think they realize how difficult it is.

I can honestly say it is nothing to do with him. It's me. I will tell him this on Wednesday...I will let him know at the beginning of the session and ask if he has anything he wants to say to me before I go. It won't be a good-bye on the way out the door. It's the least I could do...I have been seeing him for two years.

T.

OK, well, I understand wanting to make that choice, so I hope the goodbye goes well for you.

Tas,

If you don't want to wait the two weeks as it will put you back into the throes of therapy - then why even bother going on Wed and why even bother writing a letter?

Just cancel, don't go and don't write a letter. It is your choice. You have the control of the relationship.

His answer to your letter will be he doesn't accept it and that you need to turn up. Pretty sure it isn't going to be what you want him to say (I don't know what you want him to say). So I don't understand why you are giving him a chance to answer or comment on your letter because that will then annoy you probably and then will engage you in another fight with him.

maybe look at it at a break from therapy rather than leaving him?

Somedays

quote:

I don't understand the concept of someone coming to see a Therapist because they are struggling so...they are looking to the Therapist because they have exhausted all other venues (which I had before finally realizing how desperate the situation was)...only to be greeted with, "What do you want to talk about today?" It is confusing to me because I want to say, "I came to you for help. You are the expert. HELP ME. If I knew what exactly I needed to talk about...I would not need you." It just does not make logical sense to me. Perhaps someone could explain this to me.

Hi TAS -

Maybe it would help in this to imagine you are the therapist. Imagine someone from this board walks in to your office, and it's now your job to help them. Only you don't know what's been happening for them this week (they haven't posted lately ). Or you have an idea of what's happening in their life, but not how they feel about it, or what kind of space they're in, which parts they feel ready to deal with, which not. What will you do to help them?

Good words Closed Doors I hadn't looked at it as taking a break from therapy as opposed to taking a break from therapy...another way to look at the situation Thank you.

Jones: I would say something like, "What were your struggles this week..." Perhaps a more pointed question as opposed to, "What would you like to talk about today?" I don't know...I just don't think I would put it all on the client to decide what to talk about, etc.

Thank you Jones for replying...I know Therapists don't 'know it all' pertaining to their clients...sometimes things just seem so vague.

T.

(((TAS)))

Sending some hugs right now. I can tell you are in this place of hurt, questioning the therapeutic relationship. Out of all the things I have gone through in therapy, this relationship has been the hardest thing. It opens up so much and it's frightening. Sometimes I run. Sometimes I stomp my feet and tell my therapist that I don't need her or her therapy anymore. It's never about her. She's solid, strong and super supportive. EXCEPT for the vacation she just took. That was about her! That was about her leaving me. (Although I know it's more about me...I still felt so strongly about therapy and the process when she decided to up and leave me with MYSELF to handle all of this alone!) Pain. Abandonment. The works! She came back. Just like she always said, BUT it hasn't been the same yet as it was before she left. It's been a month. I questioned her about it.. and she says that a lot of people struggle getting back into the groove of therapy after a break. So much comes up; anger, resentment, fear. We are working through all of those right now. It's hard, but I am holding onto the fact that this is going to launch me towards greater awareness.

I understand your words as I read them because I have been there, TAS. I'm sure many of us have wanted to hang our hat on therapy. But, before you completely end the relationship, think about why and think about the possibility of just a little break to gather your thoughts...some breathing room?

I think the idea TAS is that your unconscious will bring the most relevant and important material up in the session, whatever you start off by talking about. I know sometimes, I would feel that a trivial issue in my life was getting in the way of deeper work and I'd deliberately change the subject to something I thought was more pressing and other times, the trivial subject was intimately connected with the deeper issue and it would feel useful to talk about the deeper issue by using the lighter topic as a buffer.

It needs a skilled T to make the links between the topic you raise and your deeper struggles and even the best T doesn't get it right 100% of the time.

Sometimes, we just need an icebreaker to get the conversation flowing and so the first topic needn't be the most pressing one; just something to get the communication flowing.

I'd be a bit wary of writing goodbye letters unless you really, really mean it. I was getting so badly triggered that for my own emotional health, I told my T that I thought maybe I should quit and she immediately agreed. I didn't expect this and although she wasn't containing me, I wanted the opportunity to work through it rather than being abandoned. If you're wanting a reaction rather than to actually quit (not saying you are, I don't think I was either) then just be careful. Telling T how you feel is much safer.

I completely understand quitting this particular therapist from all you have written about him. He sounds horrible to interact with in my opinion. I don't fully understand the desire to give him a good-bye letter (not that I have to - just that there still seems to be something other than I am ready to leave this one therapist). Is it that you really want to leave or is it that you still might want him to become different and stay?

With the Ts I have had in the past usually they ask this as a sort of session opener. I have been asked what I want to talk about today and then decided what that is only to have them then say "Well this is what I want to talk about" I had the sense then that they were trying to see if we had the same thing on the agenda that day. I think it's a way of giving you some freedom to talk about what is most important to you at that moment. Given the whole session there is plenty of room to say things like "Now that we've talked some about that, here's something I think would be important to talk about as well.

Don't know if that makes sense but that's been my experience.