Well, I suppose some of you have read the book The Girl With the DRagon Tattoo. My husband had and told me NOT to read it as it has an awful rape scene in it. So I did not read it, even though he downloaded it onto MY kindle.

but we went to see the film yesterday. We both were concerned about how it would be for me, but I had a streaming cold and I like films and being in the cinema and the only other thing on was Puss in Boots. No.

So we see it and OMG, am I seriously triggered. When the scene came up it was though it was me - it was happening to ME - I went into shock. I could not move, speak, could not feel, went numb. I somehow watch the rest of the movie. I come home, with a strange whirling in my chest. I then feel the full force of the horror hit me, Those images, just screaming in my mind. I fight off my husband when he tries to console me, find out what is wrong (well, less fight than flail like a two yr old)

That scene just keeps replaying in my head. I cannot bear how powerless she and I were. It was too close to what happened over and over to me. I just cannot handle the pain and powerlessness and I am unable to process what is happening to me. I hide myself in my attic room, my refuge, and ring Samaritans but I cannot talk. I cannot tell them. I try four times during the night to speak to them. BUt I cannot, just CANNOT say what is hurting me so much. I just cannot go near it in words. At 1am I take 2mg of valium and try to sleep. When I awake drowsily through the night I have to imagine going and literally finding my sweet psychologist, (sweetP) and him picking me up and cuddling me and letting me doze and sleep listening to his heart beat. that is what I imagine to get through the night.

I get up and again ask my husband to let me be, I am far to emotionally churned up to take his 'what's up honey?' and go for a long and hard swim after texting sweetP to phone me ( I don't even know if he is working before Friday - he never told me) Then I start the crying. then I find I am texting him a cross text asking why he did not bother to tell me if he is at work or not. Still no answer. I ring Samaritans again and THIS time manage to tell them what I saw, why it triggers me and the woman gently points out that I am reliving it, it is as though it has just happened all over again, what I saw - I felt again as happening to me.

Yes


oh god


Then my husband tries to find me. He tracks me down. I am parked outside sweetP's place of work where I meet him usually. It is closed. I am parked outside there for nearly three hours. It is cold. But at least I feel safe there.

In the end my husband texts sweetP and eventually at 1pm we get a text that he will phone me in half an hour. He does, and of course he understands and he manages to soothe down all the muddled confused hurting and now I feel much better. I even tell him that I have hated how he tells me to do some self care and now I have another self care thing on my list:ring sweetP!

Oh god, I so love that man. We agreed that maybe watching an 18+ movie is NOT a good idea. I have never seen one before. I just think it is horrible that violent rape scenes are some part of 'entertainment' - I was horrified.

He kindly helps me separate the film story from my own story, though they are very similar in some horrible ways. He advises me to keep remembering they were both just actors and there were lighting crew and sound technicians and all that going on just out of shot and the man is also just an actor who found the whole thing as offensive as I do. that helped. And then he said that yes, though it is true that awful violent rapes occur - i did not witness one, I witnessed a enactment - it was not 'real'.

But what happened to me was real. And that I still find it hard that such awful things happened to me, actually to ME - in time it will get easier.

he is so sweet.

Have any of you got so triggered by watching something on TV or in a film. It is really hard. I hate to think what the other people in teh cinema thought of this strange woman howling and then hiding down in her seat whilst her husband tries to comfort her. I found it hard that they all just sat and watched the scene on the screen.