SD... that was my first thought. A picnic on a blanket on the floor but then I thought of my tray because I was afraid the flutes would tip over and spill onto his rug if they were on an unsteady surface.
Cat... I loved your directions. I'm a bit like that too... worrying if someone is going to lose an eye from the flying cork! I had to laugh at the ready made biscuits in the tube...my son loves to pop that open. It always makes me jump LOL.
When I saw my T today I was feeling okay. His door was open and again I could just walk in without waiting in the reception room having my anxiety build to the point of running. I told him this and he said he knew that. He said he would do his best to have the door open for me but sometimes the previous client could run late. I told him that I understood and it was okay. I was also trying to arrive a bit later. I used to like to get there early and read a magazine or chill out for a few minutes but lately (since his wife moved in) that was not a relaxing situation any longer. He again said he knew that. I felt good that he was aware of this and that he was trying to take care of me and help me to feel less anxious. That gave me a warm feeling inside.
Okay so...........he said YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I asked him first thing when I saw him today. Of course he had to torture me and he made me look at him while I asked him because he wanted me to see his face when he replied. I was SO nervous and it took a few tries to be able to look at him and ask him if he would allow me to celebrate my graduation with him. He kept teasing me saying "TN, I'm not up there" (pointing to the ceiling where i was looking
Before he responded he asked me what it meant to me to celebrate. What would we be doing. I realized later he may have been afraid it would be some wild boundary breaking request, like going out to dinner or attending a party with family or something. So I told him... well, like just having some cookies. Then I remembered he does not want me feeding him (I used to bring homemade food to old T all the time) and I said quickly... I won't bake them I'll buy them. He laughed and said he would be happy and pleased to celebrate my graduation with me. Oh wow, it was hard to stay focused on his face at that point. (Later he complimented me on the hard work I did in trying to look at him while having that discussion, even if I had to "fixate" my eyes in order to do so. Meaning that while it seemed I was looking at him or in his direction, my eyes were really not seeing too much)
He then told me that he was so proud of me for finishing and that he had a lot of respect for me that I could do this while working full-time, doing therapy, raising a child and dealing with the trauma from oldT. He said I worked really hard and he would enjoy celebrating with me. Then he asked what did I think that his doing this with me would mean to him? I said that he would be able to celebrate putting me back together again well enough so i could graduate. He said... okay well that is true but something else. So I said that he would have this experience with me. And he smiled and nodded and said that this is part of our bond which is a bit different than the attachment issue. We bond together through the experience of working together in therapy and in sharing experiences that are unique to us and that he has with NO ONE else. It is something that I will always have and no one can take away from me.
He said he wished I could stop worrying about him "firing" me because I would do something that would cause him to want to be rid of me. He told me I was a terrible patient for the first few months I saw him after the trauma. He said that I could not ever possibly be as bad as that. I was slightly insulted and told him that I thought I was being "good" but maybe I just didn't care about him so much then. He laughed and said "you didn't even know who I was... you couldn't even SEE me. And then you told me you hated my office, complained that I didn't have a dog, that you had to climb stairs, that I didn't have a fireplace in here, and that I was not oldT" I had to laugh at that because it was SO true. Then he said that I did what he expected me to do and I did what all trauma patients do in the beginning. But he knew under all that was someone he could like and enjoy working with. Gosh, he is so awesome at times. He is so steady even though I give him a ton of shit all the time.
So then we talked about trauma and it's history and about my list of worries that are causing me anxiety. It was a just a really nice connecting close session and when I left I felt really good. He did mention that he expected that we would "work" while having our little celebration and I told him of course we would. I needed to talk about school and the grief that gets attached to that. So I told him I was thinking of doing it next Thursday. He said fine. I said, we could sit on the floor? He said, "of course" like he just expected that we would.
We shook hands and had eye contact. I told him I was having work issues again and I may need to call him tomororrw and he just warned he would be in meetings in the morning so he may not be able to return the call right away and he didn't want me to worry.
So right now I'm feeling good and happy and really grateful that he is in my life.
Sorry this got so long. Thanks for reading.
TN