As promised, I'm updating here with the celebration report.
I sent my T an email last night to ask him for a few minutes alone in his office so I can settle in (and set up). I told him I was having a little anxiety about it. I didn't hear back from him but I figured he would be sure to give me my few minutes.
I arrived with my little tray table and graduation napkins, the bottle of sparkling cider, a box of assorted cookies and a tin of mixed nuts. Not easy to lug that stuff up his long flight of stairs (I'm not as young as I used to be
). When I walked in I could see his door was open so I figured he was out on his walk. I then peeked over towards his wife's door ... well because I'm always afraid it's going to open as I rush by. Instead, I jumped and squealed when I saw someone near that door... turns out it was just my T. He said to go on in. So I did.
It only took me a minute to set up the "table" set out the napkins, the food, the cider and the two plastic flutes for drinking. He walked in and looked down and said, oh that is very nice. You did a nice job. So I kicked off my shoes and sat on the floor with my blanket and he sat down. He began to open the cider and that's when things... didn't go as planned...
Turns out the cider had a foil seal around the neck but under that was a plastic cap (which was easy to open) but under THAT was a bottle cap... the old fashioned ones that are crimped around the edges and DO NOT screw off!
So we were scrambling around for something to open the bottle! T thought he had something in his desk but could not find it... so I put my shoes on and ran out to my car because we sometimes keep a corkscrew there and I hoped it aslo had a bottle opener. No luck. So I got the idea to run into the bank on the lower level of his building (where I have banked for 20 years and they all know me) and ask them for a bottle opener. They had one! yay. So then I ran back UP the stairs, totally out of breath now... and presented it to my T who smiled and pointed to the tray... he had opened the bottle by then and had poured out two glasses for us!!
I sat down and it took a few minutes before I could catch my breath but I was also very rattled and I knew I had "wasted" 10 minutes of my session just running around. I didn't anticipate the bottle issue and that made me upset with myself because things were not perfect and I messed up somehow. I had to work hard to focus back on the occassion with T. But I think I was more dissociative today than usual because I cannot remember what he was wearing and also.... I had a bad moment when I left because I dont' think I shook his hand and I cannot remember! I didn't have any contact with him today of all days! I sat back at work and tried not to cry over this. I had a few moments of thinking that HE avoided shaking my hand because I did something wrong by moving closer to him today. That damn inner voice is scaring me.
So back to the celebration... my T made a little speech about how impressive it was that I graduated and with honors and did that while working full time and raising a child. He told me he was really happy for me and that I should be proud of myself and to take this all in because it really is a remarkable achievement. We talked about how I was supposed to be in the class of 2011 but I had to leave school for six months when I was traumatized by oldT. I told my T that I wanted to celebrate with him because he played a huge role in putting me back together again so I could finish school.
We also spent time talking about graduate school and the two programs I was looking into but the cost is really prohibitive and there are other challenges I'm not up for and of course my T said he believes in me and aside from the cost (which I guess is not his area LOL) he said he had absolute confidence that I could do the program and that "we" could work on the challenges I felt were too much for me.
We then drifted off into talking about attachment, dependency and individuation... which I will save for another thread. He said some interesting things and I just really love talking to him.
So we munched on cookies and drank half the bottle which I left with him and it was time to pack up. Before I did though he said he wanted to tell me that this was the most fun he ever had sitting on the floor with me LOL! Most of the other times I was either angry, non-talkative or sobbing hysterically. So I guess this really was fun. He again congratulated me and wanted me to sit and take in the achievement and what it means. I was then so busy packing up that I think we forgot to shake hands but honestly, I was so activated I cannot remember. I do remember when I had to get up from the floor I felt like I could not move. I had so much emotion hit me all at once. I didn't want to leave my T and felt that the time we had was much too short and I needed to do or say something but I couldn't. He did notice and asked if it was okay to end but what could I say. I said yes, I will be fine.
It was nice and different. I just wish that I was less anxious so I could have taken in more of the way he looked and what he said. I think I needed to write at least this much because it has helped me to remember how it felt to share that with him. I am so very lucky to have him in my life.
Thanks for reading,
TN
Those are good to treasure and re-read when things are crazy and I'm glad you can take it in right now, too!
It's hard not to grow with my T. He is really good at what he does.
I was sort of sitting at the edge of my seat the way you wrote and hoped it worked out. 
it hurts and I'm sorry you felt like that. 
