It's such a personal thing, and no stranger to me.

I have never cried so freely from the loss of anyone or anything. It was so much like wanting a belly spew but from my brain. I didn’t want it, but knew I needed it.

It has ended for now in denial and a tad of bargaining. I'm waiting by the phone for an update on his condition. Gut is wavering on another brink of pain as I type. I shall hold off until tonight.

Earlier, brain switched on the imagination and there T was sitting on the bed in his red cardy, and brown trousers. We had a wee chat while I bawled my head off, and kept saying, "I don’t fukin believe this sir." I remembered his smile and that look he gave me today. I always will.

For now, there is far too much of T in my head for Ma to be anywhere in it. Its all good stuff; his words, his looks, his spirit, his belly laugh, his nod, his 'm,' his voice, his blondness, his intellect, his hope, and his love. ( sighs)

Blondie the kookaburra flew onto the deck just as S and I were leaving. He wanted his cut lunch. I says, you are on your own now mate. We all are.