I have three very close friends. One lives a long way away and I hardly see her. One lives in my village and I see her every week for a walk. One, Irene, lives about half an hour away and I see her every Thursday afternoon for about three hours or so. She came with me on my annual trip to India last year. She supported me utterly through the crisis that started two and a half years ago (that long?!?!). We were like sisters.

Well, after a year of battling with cancer, Irene died on Friday afternoon. I am really glad that I spent some hours with her on Thursday afternoon. I loved her and loved her, for those hours, stroking her hair, holding her hand, helping her try to drink water, holding her sick bowl, wiping her face, drying her tears away. I am so glad I had that.

The family have asked that I write and lead the funeral for her, which is something to channel my energy into, and my love for her into.

When I heard on Friday, I had just spent my therapy session in the morning trying NOT to talk about her, but in teh end it all spilled out just as I am walking out the door. then I get home and two hours later I get the phone call saying she died.I phoned my psychologist and he was so sweet, as usual. He let me cry and said how sorry he was etc. He was really there for me.

I feel in a sort of limbo. I feel sad but it keeps evaporating. I feel confused more than anything. It seems too difficult for me to really understand or come to terms with this. She was the only person I have ever felt loved by, apart from my husband. And I told her that in about June. And she knew how scary that was for me - how I felt so vulnerable.

It is so hard. My therapy session anyway had held enormous sadness, the loss of not having loving parents, the alone ness of being an abused child and not having anyone there, and the ones I turned to hurt me too. then I find friends and they become precious to me. And then I lose them.

Oh heck, now I am crying. I just want her back. I just do. I didn't want her to die and there was nothing I could do. I don't understand why these things happen. I know they do. but why to her?

Why is life so cruel?