Skip to main content

The PsychCafe
Share, connect, and learn.
24 replies

grief and comfort. a mystery.

J janedoeMember
triggers in this post? I dunno. I do speak of a loved animal that passed away - but not anything specific or graphic of how or anything.

This will be long. I'm sorry about that. I just can't edit it to make it shorter right now. I will come back later and try to - maybe.

This happened today in my session and I guess I want to take a chance at sharing it. I feel really sad, alone, and yet not alone, and comforted, and I'm so confused about why I hurt the most but felt the most comfortable in therapy today.

My session was with an eq t. It was good. It was hard. When I got there the T asked how I was. I said “eh.”
“Not good?” she asked.
“Not great. Ok, but not great. Just eh.” We started walking towards the barns. There was a pause... I said "and I think my body is confused what season it is."
"yeah, me too. This weather is hard to keep up with."

My small talk about the weather is what I do to kind of transition into the therapy. It's normal. We usually exchange a sentence or two about something mundane. My T seemed quiet. But I was feeling so "blah" already, so I wasn't sure if it was just me. It would not have been unusual to walk to the barns without saying much. We have moments like that sometimes. I never feel pressured to fill the silence. But something seemed different today about the silence.

Before we reached the barns, my T broke the silence, and said, “well... I hate to add to your ‘eh’ feeling but I have bad news that I really need to let you know about. There has been some things that have happened, and I need to tell you.”

Inside, my heart skipped a beat. We stopped walking. I looked at her. I seriously thought she was going to say she was leaving, or I could not come back, or... I grimaced. I thought: ok here it comes... NO I can’t do this...no.. no, wait, I need to hear whatever it is... and I'll be ok... I'll be ok... and then my mind raced to all the abandoning things I feared were about to come out of her mouth. (sigh.)

I finally looked at her and saw her face. She seemed a little sad. I finally said, “ok...” and I couldn’t look at her anymore, I was too afraid... I stared at my feet.

And so I heard the news: Galen, one of the h I have worked with, died.

My T sorta told me and let me sit with it a moment.

I didn't know what to say.

There was a moment of relief that my T wasn't leaving, quickly followed by the shock of Galen's death. (Maybe it seems weird to feel this about a horse... but well... I still feel this way. Weird or not.)

I asked my T how she died, what happened. She told me. The other day, she got sick, suddenly, and died within 24 hours. The vet did everything, and said there was nothing that could be done. They are still not sure how she got sick, but she did, quickly, and by the end, she couldn’t stand and wasn't breathing very well, and just as they were considering putting her to sleep, she died. It’s the first time in 6 years they have lost a horse. (Which is kinda amazing since they take in some sick horses...) Galen, she had been there for 10 years, was almost 20 years old... and in good health. It was a big shock to everyone. She was an amazing horse. I can't say much more about her. It hurts.

My T and I talked a little about abrupt endings versus gradual ones – and how I felt it was kind of good Galen didn’t suffer long, but it was still awfully hard she is gone. I expect horses to come and go, it’s part of being a rescue horse farm, and I expected that it was possible I would be there when one died... well, I don't "expect" it but I know it happens with animals. But this horse, was a lead horse, in the most tame herd, and was in good health... and, dang it, she was really neat.

As I told my T, “this just sucks.” (oh, I am so eloquent. NOT.)

I felt sad, I kinda held it in – I don’t know why – it wasn't very intentional to hold it in. My T and I just stood there in silence for a moment... I wasn’t quite numb, but I wasn’t quite letting it sink in. But it was real. Her stall was empty...

The t echoed, “yeah, it does suck.”

Another long silence.

Then my T said, “I...I just have to tell you, and I’m owning this as how I feel, this is just me and may be a reflection of just my stuff, but I just want to say I feel bad for telling you. I didn’t want to not tell you though. I try to tell anyone who worked with Galen. And yet I didn’t want to add to what you were already feeling. I didn't want to give you more to feel crummy about. I feel bad about that, but that’s just me. My stuff. I do want to be clear that... well, I want you to know we can talk about other things, anything you need to today.”

I looked at her – just in that moment... something seemed... I don’t have words for it...

I didn’t feel bad for her, nor responsible for how she felt. I didn't feel like I needed to reassure her. I guess I felt like I couldn't anyhow. She felt like my T, and like my T who is human. Not like a friend, not like a non-T, not like a T putting her stuff on me, not like a T who was blank slate – but a T who hurt for the horse, for me, for herself. And knew it and owned it.

I told her, “I’m glad you told me. I would not have wanted it any other way. I would have noticed something anyhow... and even if I hadn't noticed, I’m glad you told me. As far as how I was anyhow, this kind of fits anyhow with what I've been dealing with. And no matter what, I'm glad you told me. It happened. This is real. This is life.”

I don’t remember exactly what she said next... but we kept talking and it got a little easier.

Her grief, she kept contained, to herself, and it did not intrude the time... Yet I knew she was sad, I knew her grief was there. But I also knew I didn’t have to change anything about me. I didn’t feel like it was my job to hold anything back from her because she was sad, and I felt like I could talk about anything I wanted to... She stayed very much my T – not only a T, but my T. She didn’t do anything that seemed outside of that role... she hasn’t before... but somehow... I guess there was a lot of potential for it to go off track (at least in my head.)

Maybe it’s surprising for me it went this way because my old T told me of a tragedy in her life, and it felt like really not a good self disclosure - or it just didn't work out or get used in a good way. This old T told me very much to help me with my stuff, but I became too concerned about her and mixed with guilt... and it got too personal somehow and we never talked about any of it. (huh, I wonder what was so different this time...)

Today, with this t, I noticed as we talked, I felt more at ease with her than I ever had. I said one thing I remembered fondly of the horse who was gone... it was a little too painful to say much else...

We talked of grief in general. I also asked if we could see all the different herds today... and we did. We talked and I got to hang out with the rescued horses (h) and enjoyed them... Some made me smile. One was being playful and almost made me laugh. We didn’t do much "training" or "work" with the h today. We just sorta hung with the h. We were present with them, and I was present, as much as I would let myself be, with my T.

It was what I needed. Even before I came, that’s what I would have wanted today anyhow. Most times I come really ready to work and "do" more stuff than we "did" today... but even before I found out Galen passed away, I had just wanted to come and be and just be with the hoses... and kinda just wanted to just be present with my T.

It was really fitting what we did today.

My T and I talked the most we probably ever have, especially about emotions and my struggle with them. I told her just a few days ago I had journaled about abrupt endings and I have been struggling with them a lot lately. I told her I had even journaled a few days ago, these words: “I am not friends with grief.” So we talked about grief, what it is like, how to deal with it some, ways I have learned to cope with grief badly, ways I was taught grief was something to be avoided or controlled... *not* walked through... and somehow that last way is the only way that works but I have no idea how to do it.

My T runs a grief group with kids. She shared a couple of stories about how kids cope with it - often much better than adults (and better doesn't mean less.) That was reassuring.

I know this sounds weird, but it was the most comfortable time in therapy I have had in a very long time. I didn’t quite realize it at first... but as my T and I talked, I looked at her the most, stood the closest, and just talked the most freely I ever have with her. When I noticed I was doing so, I almost got nervous, but then... I dunno... I looked back at the h right in front of me so gently nuzzeling my hands, and I just didn’t back away from my T or the h, and I didn't get nervous either.

I still was protective, guarded, and never stayed close very long...but this time, I stayed close longer, verbally and physically (like where I stand or talk in relation to her), I felt the most at ease... it was not a small difference, not like everything was all ok - far from it - but a noticeable difference – at least to me.

Now, looking back, I am wondering why? What is this? What the heck? Now I feel more comfortable? Of all times... what am I doing or what happened? because I want to keep going in this direction.... just without having tragic things happen!

Was it that? was it because something tragic happened, for both of us? even though we only talked about it in terms of me, and not long... I still know it was much more for her – she had worked with the h much more and much longer... but it still was a mutal loss in a way...

I was afraid to go to the herd that Galen had been a part of. In fact, she was the lead h in her herd. We went and saw them last. It was Elle’s herd too (another h that left recently - but to go live elsewhere.) No other h in all the months I have been doing this therapy have left.

It’s like there was a big hole missing with out Elle or Galen (the h who died). There were 5 h now in this herd. It’s the smallest herd, but it’s the herd of the most tame and trained hs... and it was hard. It didn’t seem the same. At times different hs have been shuffled around between herds, so just missing a few wasn’t it. It was missing THEM. Galen and Elle. They were not anywhere. At least Elle (another h I have worked with) is still ok, at a ranch, adpoted out...

I went in to the arena/pasture where the herd was. My T came too, and we didn’t talk a lot. I could have... but didn’t. My T encouraged me to notice what I felt, notice them, just be present as much as I could... it was hard. It was confusing. It was ok.

I miss Galen.

I want her back.

I want to say goodbye. Yeah, I know... to a h....

grief and comfort. a mystery.
Last edited {1}
Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

J janedoeMember
p.s.
my T said there was going to be a memorial for the horse tomorrow. She said I could come if I wanted to. Volunteers, trainers, staff, other folks would be there. No one would know I was a counselee or not.

(there are people around at the barns sometimes when I am there, sometimes. Never interact with them at all. Everyone signs an agreement e v e r y t h i n g is kept confidential because no one knows who is there for counseling vs. riding lessons vs. volunteering vs. whatever... It's really strict and they turn away anyone they are not sure will keep the rule - and it's also very protected in a sense because you really can't tell who is volunteering vs. counseling or anything. My T also works with volunteers and teaches lessons and does a lot of counseling so just because I am with her, you can't even tell. But I don't notice or even see others often. They schedule things well and try to keep things seperate as much as doable. It's a big place anyhow...)

Wow, I am rambly today. Sorry. Anyhow, this memorial... my T said I could come or not. I didn't even have to let her know today or tomorrow or not - I could come without telling her. It was just something I could come to if I wanted to, or not. Some would just share stories. Just a way to say goodbye if I wanted to come. I could just sit and listen. Or say something if I wanted. Or just hide in the back even. Or not come at all.

And that's all she said. Thanked her for letting me know and said I'd keep it in mind.


so a memorial service for a horse...is that weird? (Do I care?) oh, I don't care about it being weird...

I'm thinking of going.

is THAT weird?

Why would I go? I miss her. I'm curious. I... I dunno how to say goodbye, not out loud, but in my heart. I almost want to go and see what others say out loud...

I kinda want to go and just hide in the back. I wish I could be invisible and go.

And yet, I kinda want to go just as an act of saying goodbye in and of itself...


ugh. i hate grief. we are SO not friends. Frowner
J jillMember
quote:
ways I have learned to cope with grief badly, ways I was taught grief was something to be avoided or controled... not walked through... and somehow that last way is the only way that works but I have no idea hwo to do it.



janedoe, again, you, "very profound".

yes, taught to go around grief and sadness is a hard habit to quit,

i think this is really neat how this time was for you and your t. kind of leveled the ground, a bit, that she confided appropriately in you and layed the situation out that you don't need to feel guilty or bad for her, which is my habit.

i like the sound of this all so much, bittersweet. i like your closeness with her. what a beautiful thing, this therapy,

and as for the memorial service, why not. it is part of the full circle, y'no? and really, although not planned, of course, a part of what this therapy can do for you, taking you through the grief and sadness instead of around. around never works, as i am finding out.

i like that you stayed with your feelings. brave, and really healthy. good for you, janedoe!! jill
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Hi Jane,
Don't feel bad for grieving for a horse, our connections are our connections and it's a real loss to lose one, animal or human.

Two things really stood out for me that would explain why although you were sad you also paradoxically felt better.

Grief is a natural part of life. It's not a part we like or want to be friends with but it happens to all of us. And what I heard from you is that you didn't try to avoid how it felt or beat yourself up for feelng it. I've been in a place where I've looked at my T and said "it just sucks" and have had him say "it really does." There's something incredically freeing about someone allowing you to have those kinds of feelings without talking you out of them. It was appropriate to feel the way you did and your T acknowledged that and accepted it in you. That is going to be very affirming. It also says that you're good and accepted when you're being your authentic self. Your T didn't leave because you were having "bad" feelings. Often when our emotional needs weren't met, we learned NOT to allow the emotions that drove our caregivers away to show. You allowed a deep emotion to show and your T stayed and made a space for that feeling.

The other thing that really stood out for me was that the boundaries between you and your T were really clear. She took responsibility for her feelings and you took responsibility for yours. When you told her that you were glad she told you, you were letting her know that you might not like the feelings but you could handle them. And her telling you despite knowing the effect it could have on you, showed a deep respect for you as a person and an adult. That she didn't need to shelter you from the truth, that you were strong enough to feel your grief.

So while I believe your grief is very real, and that you are really sad, and that neither of those things feel good, I also believe that you're feeling accepted and respected and like you matter. That your choices about how you handle your grief are being accepted as just that, your choices and that you can be trusted to make the right choice for yourself.

I know that you're feeling confused but I see so much growth in you. And I'm sorry about Galen and your loss.

AG
D debbyeMember
JD, sorry about Galen. I bet Galen loved working with you too. I wish I knew what else to say but grieving for a horse isn't strange at all! I wanted to tell you the feelings you had about the way you and your T related were just awesome. One of the things I initially talked about in therapy was I was having trouble getting over my dog (a pet) that died. Anyway, for a few sessions I did mention the dog and how I missed her, and how I missed some other people who were gone, and one time I got kind of mad that my T was just "listening" and not seeming to really GET IT, so I point-blank asked him if HE ever missed anyone!! And he said he missed a dog too that he used to have, and he told me a little bit about him. It was a really neat moment for me because I did feel close to my T and I wasn't scared and it felt normal and safe. ~D.
kashleykashleyMember
Jane,

I'm sorry, I'm really not in the mindset to say a whole lot, but I'm very sorry to hear about Galen. It is such a hard thing to lose any connection, whether it's with a horse or a human. And, of course, I would never say that it is strange to grieve the loss of a horse. I would be a mess.

I'm so glad that your T handled it in a way that made you feel so safe and comfortable to feel.

Please take care,
Kashley
lamplighterlamplighterMember
Oh JD I can so much relate to your grief about Galen dying - I’m still in real pain about my Peeky Puss and want to say that feeling loss like you are about a horse, an animal, is perfectly understandable. I’m so sorry that for you he just disappeared from one day to the next.

For what it’s worth I think it would be good for you to go that memorial service - saying goodbye is so important, I never realized quite how important until recently. And you’ll get the chance to share your grief with others who are also grieving - so it won’t seem so strange or weird or over the top to feel so much for an animal. What helped me a lot with my cat was that my H also felt his loss badly, made me feel a whole lot less ‘silly’ and ‘childish’ for weeping about an animal. And I’m still changing the flowers on his grave, so a memorial sounds like a wonderful idea.

And your relationship with your T sounds like it’s getting better and closer and more healing all the time. She sounds pretty ok! I’m so glad you are starting to come out of that awful black place you’ve been for so long.

(((( JD ))))

LL
frogfrogMember
janedoe-

i am sorry for your loss. I know Galen was spescial- i do remember you told me about Galen on another thread, Galen was the very brave one, right? I also remembering you "sent" me some of Galens strenght so to speak, and i was thankful. I understand partly at least, how hard it must have been to get the sudden news about this, especially because Galen also played a major role in your therapy and i know from what i have understood of this therapy that the horses becomes a big part of your healing process as well, i guess this all makes the loss truly dept felt.

I am glad your T can share this with you and that this loss in a way will make your relation stronger, because this loss connects you to each other. Thats powerfull i think..."Grief and comfort"- yes, that blessed paradox is truly mysterious

Be well Janedoe.
J janedoeMember
the memorial

I sneeked in late... I just needed a few moments befoe I could walk in. ok, it ened up being about 20 minutes. Figaro the barn cat, walked over to the barn doorway and tood there - like a little lion guarding the entrance. I went up and sat next to him on his perch on a barrel outside that bar door. He wasn't therewhen everyone else walked in, but once the were in, he came and sat. When I fiall went in, he walkd away. I know this might sound silly, but it seemed so perfect. when I first started oming thre to do this therapy, every morning, Figaro would come out to greet me. He never did this for thrs, but like clockwork he did for me. One morning he even walked far out into the middle of a muddy pasure to just come and it on my feet. It was sweet. He has avery BIG personality.

Then summer came and I switched to aftenoons, and Figaro took to sleeping his afternoons away, as any cat would. I also no longer had trule showing up anyhow... it just kinda all fit.

So wehen Figaro came and sat by the doorway, and let me just sit next to him, it was sweet. I don't ant to read into this little precocious cat's actions, but no matter what, he helped me walk in and say hello... and goodbye.

I walked into the barn, and folks were standing in a circle (eek!) sharing stories about Galen. There were maybe 30 people gathred around. I just sood there listening, sorta as far back as I could be. We were in the barn for Galen's herd. All the other horses of that herd were in their stalls eating hay, typical for that time of the day. Down at the end... was Galen's stall... empty... gate open...

Stories were shared and they warmed my heart. They helped me feel not so alone in my saddness.

One woman was there when she died - she shared that Galen, just as in her life, she as graceful and elegant and brave to the end. That story, even though was not graphic, was SO hard to hear. That moment... it just hit me deep. I wanted to run away. But I didn't. I stayed. With the people and the pain.

Things were said and shared. Poems read.

At the end, we had a chance to write notes on a poster around a picture of the horse.

I went up to Galen's empty stall where the poster hung. I just almost hugged the rail. Letting myself feel the empty space.


Then I deceided to write something... honestly, right now, I rgret and feel stupid fo what I wrote.

this is the note I wrote
"Dear Galen ~ You showed m ehow to say hello. You were always just you, nothing more noting less, and you asked the same of me, nothing more nothing less. I miss you. Now I have to say goodbye. May your spirit soar.
(~then i signed it with my shortened nickname of my real name.)"

I dunno why I feel so tupid now about that note ad I hope no one can tell it was me, but I bet my T will know... I wanted to write so much more or much more personal words -but none of them seemed right. fr me, it meant the world that this horse was so authentic and had a way to asking me to be the same, not perfect, not all ok, nothing ther than jut who I am, nothing more, nothing less. I wanted to write, I don't know how to say goodbye... but as this would be public and kids might read it - i just... I dunno in the moment, I changed it. In my heart, I just thought, Galen, you left too soon, I don't know how to let you go. please come back...

in the end... I hope I will learn how to say goodbye, not just to her, but so much more...

After writing, I left. I didn't talk to my T. we made eye contact and I waved bye as I walked out the door - and that's all I needed from her. Her eyes were teary and she was talkig to others, hugging some, and I just wasn't ready to talk. I had come. That's all I wanted.

It was really beautiful. (even thought I feel like such an idiot beyond all reason for what I wrote I keep telling myself let go let go let go... - hmmm... that is what I am telling myself about my guilt, but not Galen... not yet.)

thank you to all of you for encouraging me and supporting me going.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Jane I just want to say that what you wrote was beautiful and very appropiate. You have come so far in your journey and I truly admire you for this. You are a very strong person, more than you know.

I truly understand how hard it is when someone leaves you before it's time... when you feel that you didn't have enough time with them. I'm glad you went to the memorial and that Figaro was there with you too. I think that rituals and memorials and funerals are really very important to have closure, to have a place to put your emotions, to be able to express them and share them with others who feel the same way.

On the day of the last meeting with my T in D's office I came home to a phone call that my dear aunt had died. She was sick but we thought she was getting better and was due to be released from the hospital. Anyway... I had to attend her funeral a few days after that and it was so so hard. I had to leave the room because I was overcome with emotions about her, about my life and over losing my T. I realized that it was important to have the memorial service and funeral for her because the family was all together and we could grieve together and talk about her life and look at her pictures. We shared funny stories and memories together. I didn't have any of this with the termination of my therapy. I was not allowed to say good bye, nor talk about my 2.5 years of therapy with this man who meant the world to me. I was not allowed to say good bye to his wonderful dog, I could not talk about the funny things that happened, the poignant times, the scary times. I could not touch his door, nor his desk and bookcase and say good bye.

I think that living with his unfinished "death" has been the hardest. Knowing that the person you want to desparately talk to his 500 feet down the road from you but you are banished from any contact. He is not dead... he has chosen to eliminate me from his world and his life.

I think it was so wonderful that so many people attended Galen's memorial. I'm sure your T was very glad that you went and you can talk to her about all your feelings going forward. You have the golden opportunity to take good from this experience and how brave that you could stand there and let the feelings roll through you. That you allowed yourself to feel them and deal with them.

Thank you so much for coming here and telling us about this day. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Just imagine Galen soaring and jumping through the clouds into an endless pasture of green filled with her friends. It's an nice thought to keep.

Hugs
TN
J janedoeMember
jill ~
thank you so much for your wonderful words of encouragement.

I guess it did level the playing field - and the best thing is that my T's style of therapy isn't likely to be screwed up by that - I hope. It was an immense relief to find myself so at ease. And she kept the boundary so simply and clearly. It was freeing.
quote:
i like your closeness with her. what a beautiful thing, this therapy,

I am surprised by it all - but yeah, there is closeness. Which is surprising. I have never had a T who so respected my space... I fight to be close at all... and she never pushes. Just is there. Challenges me with these horses. Stay. Don't walk away just yet. All the while, I think I am trying to trust the horse in front of me, so sweetly gaurding me and following me around... and somehow, I am learning to trust the t too. (and that makes me scared just thinking of that. oh a million icky bad critical thoughts. Does my T know? is it ok to trust her? oh i am surely screwing this up! I want to run and hide... but those horses just draw me in though, and keep me from running completely away. And when I have had enough, my Ts let me run and hide... and I never seem to go away too far.)

Yeah, through the grief is the way - and is such unknown territory for me!

Thanks again jill for your wonderful words of encouragement.


AG - Thank you so much for taking the time to respond when I know you have been so busy and overwhelmed. Thank you for your feedback and insight! It does make more sense now...

It WAS incredibly freeing to just feel what I felt - oh, and as we talked, later on, I was so ready to judge and change it - but my T actually kinda stopped me. She said "let go and just stay with it for a moment, if you can." I looked at her with a very quizzial look - and she said "if you can't, it's ok. But you know this - denying it isn't going to make it go away." So I did... as much as I could.
quote:
The other thing that really stood out for me was that the boundaries between you and your T were really clear. She took responsibility for her feelings and you took responsibility for yours. When you told her that you were glad she told you, you were letting her know that you might not like the feelings but you could handle them. And her telling you despite knowing the effect it could have on you, showed a deep respect for you as a person and an adult. That she didn't need to shelter you from the truth, that you were strong enough to feel your grief.

So while I believe your grief is very real, and that you are really sad, and that neither of those things feel good, I also believe that you're feeling accepted and respected and like you matter. That your choices about how you handle your grief are being accepted as just that, your choices and that you can be trusted to make the right choice for yourself.
There is something about this. The choice, the freedom, even the responsibility she gave me. It is so unlike what I grew up with. I was always told to silence/ignore/invalidate/turn off my feelings and given very strong messages that it was because I was unable to deal with them. For the most part, I still believe that is true. My old T sometimes reinforced that - not intentionally. My primary T now is learning - along with me - how big of an issue this was. How much choice and responsibility for my own feelings was sorta taken.

But in this moment, and overall with this T, she let me choose, she gave me space, she gave me responsibility.

There are times when she asks me things that are too much and I say "I can't go there yet," and she trusts that too... and we go somewhere else. It's confusing. and freeing and scary and wonderful and... a million things. (Sheish I am a mess.)

Thanks AG for your encouragement too. You are so kind!


Debbye - I love how you told your T about your dog and that you had the courage to "bring it home" to your T when he didn't "get it" at first. I'm so sorry you lost such a loved one. Your story helped me feel so much less alone and helped me feel not so much like I was just being silly. Thank you so much.


Kashley - Your words warm my heart. I know you are in a tough spot... and probably get a little of what this is like... Thank you for your kind words. It really helped me feel less alone.


Blanket Girl - Thank you for your encouragement. I did go to the memorial and it was really profound. It was just like you said - "Shared grief is always easier than alone grief." That is so true - and I know it now... It was so different, even healing, to share it.


Lamplighter - I am so sorry about Pesky Puss... and it's good too at the same time to know I'm not alone in this... it is immense isn't it
? You were really right about going with others who loved Galen. I love that you still honor you Peeky Puss with flowers. That is really beautiful, and I am so glad you get to share it with your hubby. You helped me feel a lot less silly yourself about my tears for Galen.


Starfish - thank you so much for your sweet words. they helped me get through this. thank you.


Frog - yes! I did send you some of Galen's strength! Galen was the very brave one - strong to the very end, with such grace.

I have been guarded about letting myself get attached to the horses or the T, but I know me and I knew it would happen if I stayed long enough - I would care, and deeply. And when it's therapy - it goes even deeper. They are so sweet and it's even more than just them, but what they have been in my life and symbollized and what they have helped me journey through... which often doesn't seem like much, until this week - when this happened. When I finally just let go a bit. finally. Thank you do much for your kind words Frog!


True North - wow, I love what you say about the importance of that process of grieving. Sharing memories and even sharing the pain like you did with your family member - and the contrast of it with the ending of the relationship with your T. I really can relate. My old T - it was like... no ending... it was the deep abcense of that chance to talk, to end, to say... anything. For me, at the time it ended, I'm not sure I could have - but now I could and sometimes I so badly want to, but she is so off the map and being weird it would be impossible. I have shared a little with my new primary (non-eq) T and it's becoming a little like that. Actually, it's probably more like a family member passing away because I'm not sharing the good memories and the hard ones with the t who abruptly ended, left, "died" but someone else... and it's not like that too because my T didn't really know her - but she knew me through it. And it's so hard, so painful. Especially because, as you explained, they are not actually dead but still "there" not far away even! And for you, it has got to be so hard because of how close the t is to your family too.

My father left me in a way where he eliminate me from his life and his world in a really messe dup way - and still stayed in the lives of family I was close with. It messed us all up - until we worked to get through it together. It's hard. And for a T to do that - when my T did that, it felt like I'd never be ok. Oh, my heart goes out to you TN. This may be hard to believe, ok probably impossible... but I do really believe it will get better. I admire you for your strength to keep walking and sharing through the grief. Let us share it with you.
quote:
I think it was so wonderful that so many people attended Galen's memorial. I'm sure your T was very glad that you went and you can talk to her about all your feelings going forward. You have the golden opportunity to take good from this experience and how brave that you could stand there and let the feelings roll through you. That you allowed yourself to feel them and deal with them.
Thank you so much for reading and responding and your wonderfully kind words TN, even when you have been hurting so much yourself. It really helped to share this and know I am not alone in this ache. I hope my T thinks it was ok too... and I hope too... maybe I can learn a little about saying goodbye... (and yet even as I type that, I think I hate saying goodbye! no! come back! Yep, I have A LOT to learn about saying goodbye.) Thank you TN for your thoughts and prayers. They mean a lot to me.


ya'll are amazing. thank you. This dark night is a little less dark because of you.

right now, sharing this grief is stirring up grief that I was afraid to face for so long... because it's been there... just me and that grief... alone... and the difference between sharing it and going alone is huge. thank you for helping me share this grief.

~jane
Last edited by janedoe
J janedoeMember
dear grief ~

oh, my familiar friend
please go away,
I’m tired of what you bring.
My heart aches
too long alone.

You know what’s been taken,
more than I can say.
For even my very words
have been shattered.

You know the fury of the silence,
despair of the dark night.
The haunting empty cries,
and the wind that takes my breath away.

You know what's been stolen
My self, my heart, my joy.
I’m not ready to listen to you.
Not yet.

I can't even find me.
The pieces are here,
being pulled together.
but I can't even stand to look.

Please go away,
but not too far.

Someday,
I will ask you to stay
Hear your stories,
Your words of wisdom,
and find my own.

The time will come soon
when I will be ready
to curl up at your feet
and feel all you have to say

To find that
unspeakable comfort
that comes alongside when I walk
the dark path with you.

For now, let me rest.
And we will walk,
together,
another day.
lamplighterlamplighterMember
Oh JD that’s a lovely poem and so sad. Thank you for posting it.

I read about the memorial service you went to and it was very powerful the way Figaro sat with you - there is something real and immediate about animals, they can get through to us in a way that we are unable to get from people, when we’re so damaged and legitimately distrustful.

I was very moved by your words

quote:
Galen, you left too soon, I don't know how to let you go. please come back...


and am crying, because that’s exactly how I feel about my cat - please come back please let me hold you one more time. But I don’t want to let him go, not yet. Obscurely I believe that that’s ok, that I don’t HAVE to let go, that it’s ok to keep hurting and grieving for as long I feel it. I don’t want to stop feeling for him.

But like you, I know that this grief goes a LONG way back, that how I feel about Peeky Puss is tapping into all the other pain that’s been stuffed away and denied and controlled all my life, pain and grief on top of more pain and grief over and over and over. So I’m kind of letting myself keep experiencing the tears and the grief for Peekers and the awful awful feelings of missing him SO MUCH, because sooner or later I’m going to have to feel them for myself.

All that to try and say that even though it’s a terrible thing to happen, Galen’s dying and how you feel about it is a way of getting in touch with the other grief inside you. Of freeing you from the need to control so much and being so terrified of bringing the older pain out, at least in this moment. Gosh sorry, I think that applies to me more than anything. But maybe it will make sense to you?

And you’re so right, to be able to share it makes it bearable. To have grief witnessed and understood - when I wrote about Peekers in my thread, I was bowled over by just how much it meant to me to have people show their sympathy for me - that helped SO much.

JD you’ve been so brave, I’m so glad you did go to the memorial service. Sending you lots of cyber hugs (((((( Janedoe )))))

LL
J janedoeMember
((((LL))))

your words make so much sense to me!

It feels like the grief of Galen dying is only the tip of the iceberg, the begining of a rope pulling on much deeper grief that I have pushed away for a long time...
quote:
Of freeing you from the need to control so much and being so terrified of bringing the older pain out, at least in this moment.

exactly...

and the comfort found in sharing grief - even that is stirring for me, bringing up the pain of the times I faced horrible moments and losses terribly alone. That in and of itself is a loss, one I am just realizing.
quote:
please come back please let me hold you one more time. But I don’t want to let him go, not yet. Obscurely I believe that that’s ok, that I don’t HAVE to let go, that it’s ok to keep hurting and grieving for as long I feel it. I don’t want to stop feeling for him.

yeah, I get it... I feel so much the same. I'm not sure I will ever stop feeling the loss...and much more. It's like this battle - knowing I have to let go, Galen's not here for me to touch anymore, and yet knowing at the same time, I don't really ever have to totally let go. I will always hold her in my heart... I never want to let go of that.

grief is hard. super hard.

many hugs to you Lamplighter

~jane
kashleykashleyMember
Hi Jane,

I just wanted to come back to this and say a few more things since I couldn't really last time.

I'm lucky enough that I've never lost a horse that I've been super close to, although there have been several horses that have passed away during my time at the barn. I think something that's quite disconcerting about it is how powerful and truly majestic horses are...it's like a shock to the system when they die. It almost seems like it goes against nature.

Also, I recently found some stuff out about a past horse I had and developed a really close bond to...his current owner is selling him but lied to me about a few things. Also, I saw a video of him, and he just looks like he's in pain and utterly miserable. He's not the same horse, and it hurts so much to see him like that and not be able to do anything to help him. This was actually the first and only thing so far that caused me to cry in session. The bond between horse and human can be so incredibly strong...no words can describe. My T told me the exact same thing that you said, Jane. She said that she didn't know if it would help, but that Gus would always be in my heart. I just told her that it was hardest knowing he was in pain and I couldn't help him. But I'm trying to keep Gus, the horse that I know and not the miserable horse in the video, in my heart.

I admire your ability to feel the pain of this, Jane. I told my T that I felt like I would just have to shut myself off from it, but she encouraged me to also have moments where I let myself feel the pain. It's a hard, hard thing to do, and you're brave for facing it head on.

Many hugs.
J janedoeMember
Kashely

There is something, confusing, unsettling, when such a strong and gentle and graceful and powerful animal lays down for the last time. It's just hard. Life is so fragile and sacred.

I'm so sorry about Gus. Elle is a horse that is gone to live and work on a ranch and the thing that makes it a lot easier for me is knowing my T goes and checks on her every so often and if the horse isn't a good fit, they come back... otherwise, I would be a mess about her too. Even more. And if I ever had to see something where the Elle I knew was gone - that would be super hard. My heart goes out to you.

Yeah, I think our T's are right. The good doesn't disappear because of the bad - and we have to hang on to it, that good stays in us forever. My T told me we grieve because something was good, because it was important. Grief and pain tells us what is good and important. And those good things still are. We can still hold them and cherish them.
I have a hard time remembering Galen very much right now. All I think is, COME BACK. (yeah, I think I am still kind in denial.) I am slowly shifting. Remembering the sweet moments with her and her amazing character and spirit and just trying to hold on to the gift that I had any time with her at all, even if it was cut too short. I'm trying to remember what she taught me, and how she showed me I could feel, and be ok, she would be ok. I can be me. That remains. Everything good I got to experience and feel with her - that remains. Nothing can ever take that away.

My T told me about how kids amazingly do a very good job with grief with a little support. They seem to automatically know to let themselves feel the pain and then distract from it and then go back... and then move away again from the pain... I just ignore it, until the pain runs me over like a semi-truck. I'm trying to figure out something different... and there is so much pain there...

Something about losing Galen just sinks in so deep, past all my carefully constructed walls. That horse-human bond, I don't get it, I didn't expect it, but it is profound.

so sorry for your loss Kashley. So helpful to know I'm not alone in this. Thank you for your kind words of such deep understanding.

~jane
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi Jane, I admire the wonderful way you have handled Galen's loss. It is quite inspiring. The bond between humans and certain animals is quite powerful and strong.

I'd like to mention here that I feel some of this too. Aside from losing my T, I have also lost access to his wonderful golden retriever. This dog sat with me in almost every session. He would be so excited to see me he would almost break down the door to get out if my T was still in session. He would have to get up and open the door for the dog to come out to me.

He was the most beautiful, kindest and gentlest dog I have ever had the honor to know. He would sit on my feet in session and if I got upset he would get up and give me his paw to hold. There were sessions where I sat for 30 minutes of so just holding his paw. Or other times he would come over and lay his head on my lap and just look up at me. Sometimes he would back up and wiggle himself in between my legs and sit there with me.

I loved that dog so much and I miss him terribly. I cannot understand why my T is so cruel that he will not allow me to say good bye to him. My T knows how much the dog meant to me and he would say to him many times "hey look, B, look who has come to see us, look who is here for us" and my heart would fill with joy. One time I emailed my T when the dog was sick and told him I loved the dog. He wrote back 'B loves you too".

When we met for that horrible session in Ds office I brought a gourmet cookie for the dog and asked my T if he could give it to him and tell him it was from me. That was the only time in the 2 hours that I started to cry.

I miss him so darn much and grieve his loss as much as my Ts loss.

So I truly understand your feelings for Galen. Grief sucks.

Hug
TN
J janedoeMember
((((TN))))

aw, the relationship and love you shared with that sweet dog is so beautiful. I love that you brought a treat for your T to give him too. Unconditional - that is the word that comes to mind of how you loved the dog and the dog loved you. I hope you hold on to that memory and the truth too: you are loved...

I'm so sorry for your loss of that relationship with dog. I want to hug him myself!

yeah, grief is awful, it sucks. thank you for sharing TN. Your relationship with the dog really touched my heart.

Thank you too, for your kind words of encouragement - especially in the midst of your own grief.



Tonight I was kinda day-dreaming about wanting to go to the yearlings barn (bigger than foals but not quite full grown) and see my two favorite and just hug them. I felt silly... and didn't know why I really wanted to do that... It's hard for me to even let myself feel close to a horse, and yet here I was, longing to go and just be in the same barn with them - even hug them!

While it is hard for me to let myself feel emotionally close to the horses, for some reason, it's easy for me to do so with those skittish rescued yearlings. I could spend hours just sitting there while they cautiously come up and smell my hands and sometimes have the courage to nuzzle me... and most of the time, they just stand there, close... easy to spook if I move too fast, but still so daring... just because they are curious and want to be close... just because they do. I dunno why. It's so tender.

Maybe their bravery just melts my walls.

damn. I don't want to get attached. I don't want to risk the potential loss and heartache... but yet... it's worth it? maybe a million times over...

I am remembering Galen tonight too. My T had me do one activity with her when we both realized I was getting scared to let myself feel any emotions about being connected to the horses... Galen stood there as we worked and talked. So steady. I felt every emotion under the planet, but she just stayed steady. Most would have moved around more or reacted more, but Galen just stayed steady and still. She let me move close and then suddenly away and didn't waver. And when I was jumpy, she still stood there, watching me, ears on me... but not running away, not moving close... as I found my space... When I would lead her, it's like she already knew the way, and yet would never walk ahead of me.

Maybe this week I'll ask my T if I can go see the yearlings... Maybe.
J janedoeMember
what is wrong with me?

all I want to do is go be there and feel that comfort of being close to those semi-grown yearlings...

and all I want to do is erase the stupid message wrote on Galen's board. argh.

I have 4 more days until my next appointment there. I'm terrified and yet so drawn to be there.

It's supposed to rain this week and I dunno what happens when it's raining. Does that mean we have to meet inside? I don't want to do that. Why isn't my T mad I don't trust them or her more? She doesn't know all the gory details of my past - some, but not much. She knows I'm scared to trust. Why doesn't it make her mad? Why has it made others mad?

Last week when we were talking about grief, she said "I don't think you don't give yourself enough credit." I asked her what she meant... and she said I had a lot of insight and awareness and skills...

Instead of arguing with her about how she was wrong, I said, "what if you are right? It makes things harder, not easier."

I told her of how in college, I had a proffesor get mad, ANGRY, at me because I knew how to do the conceptual work of the organic chemistry he was teaching, but kept screwing up filling out the scan-tron (answer sheet). I would write the correct answer on the test, and then screw up transfering it to the answer sheet. He was mad! PAY ATTENTION JANE. You KNOW how to do this! A teaching assistant was nearby and walked with me into the hall... and said I hould go to the learning center and be tested for learning disability. I balked, saying "no, I need to focus and try harder."

She said, "Maybe. Or maybe you just need a different way to show what you know." In the end, I did go... and figured out I scored high and low on the test that isolated different abilties - and I was able to figure out a new way to take tests. I was both things - learning disabled and bright. My T got the anology right away.

My T said, "yeah, and people oten get mroe frustrated with kids who are learning disabled and bright, more than kids who are more "average" and leanring disabled, or kids who are more just bright. It's hard for people who hold that the kid is not being lazy, but is good at some things, and not at others."

I told my T, "yeah, my proffesor got mad because what I was good at, meant he cared, he invested in me... and that investment he made, led to him being mad. So screwing up, was harder for him to deal with. It just is how it works."

(and yeah, the proffesor's reaction was stupid, and I didn't take it TOO personally.)

I explained to my T, "Emotionally, there are some things that are like emotional organic chemistry. I get the concepts. But I get screwed up trying to fill out the emotional version of the scantron. And people get mad. How can I be so skilled in one area, and totally screw up on what seems easy to everyone else? And because there is anything I am good at, people invest more and get more mad when I screw up the scantrons - academically and with emotional skills too."

My T said, "but your example still holds even further, you learned a way to take tests differently. I believe in time you will learn, emotionally too, a different way to do things than you do now. You are learnng a different way now. And BTW."

I didn't have the courage to ask her: but what happens before then? Why aren't you mad about my battle to trust in the most simple way? Why aren't you mad or making a big issue of the fact that I'm terrifed that this week it will rain during my session and that means we might have to meet inside and that makes me want to cry becuse I hate meeting one on one with T's inside their office where things feel so close and so scary and so focused... why are you not mad that after all these months of you being authentic and trustworthy I can't trust you enough to not panic at the thought of meeting in your actual office?!

..and what happens when you do get mad? Will you make me leave? you and the horses too? I'm too scared of that. Yet I can't give up.

I want my freedom back. I miss that too.

Frowner

oh, and I just realized. There are barns. We don't have to meet in her office. We can be in the barn even in the rain.

Still...

GRIEF SUCKS. I feel grief over what I have lost in sense of being able to trust more quickly, feel close and feel ok with that... and I long to trust, and long to be close and long for the very things that scre the crap out of me.

maybe she is mad. maybe she is frustrated.

why do my thoughts so often take me places I do not want to go?!

I want my freedom to trust back. I have lost so much - too much - I WANT THAT BACK.

And Galen too.
ButterflyButterflyMember
I am sorry your having such a hard time at the moment JD. I am also sorry that the message you wrote Galen is causing you so much worry - I thought it was lovely.

It sounds like you would like your T to be mad at your inability to trust - do you think that if she were mad that would meant that she cares more? It sounds like you associate madness with someone wanting you to succeed. In my opinion trust is very fragile and an entirely different ball game to an academic subject.

I can understand your fear that it might rain as that would mean a change in your normal pattern which it sounds like you need more than ever at the moment, and without the horses the focus will be entirely on you.

I wish I could be of more help and I'm sorry if what I say doesn't come out right but I really am thinking of you and hoping that the rain stays away.

Butterfly
J janedoeMember
Butterfly - thanks for your kind words and feedback. Especially about that note I wrote to Galen.

"do you think that if she were mad that would meant that she cares more?" - that's actually a good question. I'm convinced she cares, a lot, and that makes me scared she will be more likely to get mad... which sounds backwards... The more someone cares, the more possibility (or the more I expect?) that I will let them down, they will ge mad... and even that people will give up on me. So to answer, yes in the sense that caring = mad, but no in the sense that her lack of being mad doesn't make me think she doesn't care... I'm convinced she cares a lot. It just simply baffles me that she isn't mad. (does this make any sense?)

Now as I think about it, I find that it would almost be a relief in a way if she was mad. Even more than just mad, if she was less unconditional in her acceptance of me... and yet at the same time, I really don't want that! (shiesh. I'm a mess.)
gosh, I do really equate caring = will be mad.
quote:
In my opinion trust is very fragile and an entirely different ball game to an academic subject.

Yeah, good point. Trust and academics are very different. I think there is a simillarity only in the sense that when something is easy for most, but hard for me, even when other stuff is easy for me, people tend to get more mad than if everything was hard. Like I can have insight that my T says some don't have, yet suck at trusting. Like I can do hard academic stuff, but not "easy." I can do some difficult emotional things - but let the session focus on me? ACK! I want to run. I worry my T will think, but wait, you can do this other hard emotional stuff ok, why not this too?

hmm... good feedback and thank you for your thoughts and kind words. I hope the rain stays away too.
ButterflyButterflyMember
It makes total sense....I can totally relate to this, I think I might have actually tested some limits just to see if my T would get mad at me. One time I thought I had succeeded and I asked her if she was angry at me, but for me this meant the opposite, I thought that that would mean she had stopped caring for me and she explained to me that she could be angry with me and still care about me which for me was quite a confusing concept. However there have been many times when no matter what I did she never got angry and that was also confusing for me but like you deep down I never really wanted her to be mad at me. I also learnt to trust that I could be myself without someone getting mad at me.

quote:
Now as I think about it, I find that it would almost be a relief in a way if she was mad


I wonder if you want to test your T too, to see if the relationship will survive if she is mad at you? This might not be the case, but this is how it was for me.

quote:
I worry my T will think, but wait, you can do this other hard emotional stuff ok, why not this too?


I get this too, why can we do some things that appear harder than the things we can't? All I can say is I am sure this is not what your T will be thinking but rather how she can help you to overcome those things that you find difficult.

Butterfly

Add Reply

Post

Membership Required

We're sorry. You must be signed in to continue. Sign In or Register
×
Are you sure you want to remove from your Block List?
×
Loading...
×
When you block a person, they can no longer invite you to a private message or post to your profile wall. Replies and comments they make will be collapsed/hidden by default. Finally, you'll never receive email notifications about content they create or likes they designate for your content.
Note: if you proceed, you will no longer be following .
×
Advanced Search
Advanced Search
Link copied to your clipboard.
×

Access to this requires a premium membership.

Be a Patron Member

Get psychotherapy help to make your therapy easier and better.



Yes, I've learned about all the benefits of being a Patron Member (Click here if you missed seeing them: Community Psychotherapy Help

Yes, I understand that...

1. I can do a 7 day free trial and my credit card will not be charged until that period is up.

2. I can cancel at any time before then and my card will not be charged.

3. That once my credit card is charged, there is no refund offered.

Have a special coupon?

4. If I'm using a coupon my receipt won't show the discounted amount (It'll show $7.95). However, I understand that it will go through as $2.95 when I am billed after the 7 day trial. (According to the current promotion, this discount applies to the first three months of my membership - and as long as I use the coupon in the checkout.)*

*Please note that after the 3 months, billing will revert to the regular monthly fee.
**The fee posted below is our standard billing fee (ie. using no coupon).

7-Day Free Trial, then $7.95 per Month (plus tax if applicable)
×