Before your dear friend passed did you and your T have an opportunity to discuss the extended handshake? It may be that coming up... And also in grief we DO need so much comfort in whatever ways we can take it in. I might be reading this post as more of a touch issue (just based on what you said at the end so I hope I am still coming across with the gentle respect and sadness for your loss). Maybe you are really craving touch right now from him - more especially than before because he did give you more than usual before (so why not more and more our inside kids wonder) - and so it is a little like two losses (your friend, and this piece of comfort). So... Maybe the feelings about him are to reject him first because may e you are feeling he is withholding? See, how this makes sense to me is the natural reaction in society, is to physically contact someone when you learn of a loss... is there anger that didn't happen?

The hypervigence about his proximity - and reaction right now (not to mention he is an attachment figure and you just lost another so suddenly... I think it's normal you'd maybe push away). To me it sounds disorganized - you want him close yet want him very far.

I also wonder, though from what you say about him it doesn't really fit the profile, if it is true that T is being more physically distant (he still gives handshakes though, right?) during session to avoid triggering you. Like as if to be worries you may (rightly) ask for touch he cannot give and you may have not processed yet. This would be the worst time for that.

Mostly though, it sounds like pushing him away and trying to find proof he is going away, too like your other attachment figures have before

Just ideas... Thinking of you and sending gentle prayers.

Hey Tn,

Something about your post reminded me of feelings I have had, but not entirely sure I worked it out.

Sometimes I feel that I just can't share my grief or issues with T or other ppl in my life. It feels like my grief / feelings / relationship with the person who has died is special and somehow if I share that with another person - it reduces or dilutes the strength of the relationship i had with that person. Kind of like "what I had with that person is too special to even share with you". And "I need to keep it with myself" because sharing it makes it feel like I am "giving away" some of the power of that relationship.

And someone said in another thread, maybe you are angry that T is still alive and C isn't. I know I would definitely be thinking that. "why should I tell you about my friend when you are still alive" - that is what goes through my head.

I have had that same frozen examples you have given. Some session I don't move - even if I have things I **want** to share. These are my worst sessions as I leave and I am so angry at myself. But.... I have found I am like that because I am angry and resentful deep down about something. And again it was that same thing I had something that I needed to share but didn't want to as I didn't think T was worthy of hearing my words.

Your T sounds conflicted at the moment. I don't know what his issue is. Maybe it is your discomfort / unease / anger / resentment that is causing you to mis read him? Maybe he knows that you need physical touch right now, but he is uneasy to do that because of the hand holding previously. I just don't know what it is. He seems to be standing back and observing your grief rather than jumping in to console you. Maybe he really wants to but can't push the boundary.

Sending you big hugs TN.
SD

Hi TN,

When I've shared extremely traumatic experiences with my P, I would immediately feel some sort of relief for finally being able to share this with a compassionate, non-judgmental person. But, a few days later, the intense fear and anxiety from the original trauma would hit me, and it all became associated with my P and his office, not with the person from the past.

When I would try to return to his office, it felt as if I was returning to the original trauma, which was terrifying and at times I didn't think I'd be able to continue.

It was as if I was completely re-experiencing the trauma again with P. I wasn't just describing what had happened to me, but actually reliving the very painful feelings that had been suppressed for a long time. The fear and anxiety was extremely intense, making me want to stay away from P, and imagining that he was becoming aloof and frustrated with me, as I must have been attributing the qualities to him from those in the past who had hurt me.

I'm not sure if this is what's happening to you, but it's possible because your T is such a safe person to allow all the feelings, both positive and negative, associated with your loss to emerge.

I know you are working so hard to process your grief and it's causing so much pain, but you are moving forward and I believe your T will remain strong for you. Also, he always seems very open to discuss anything you are feeling regarding your relationship with him, so maybe you should make him aware of your observations?

hugs,
Summer

I'm sorry I had not come back to my thread. I've been sick with a virus this week and my energy level is low along with feelings of depression and grief.

I do want to thank you all for responding.

RT... I have always gotten in trouble for having any kind of feelings at all. Especially anger. If I got angry I got hit or punished in some way and if I had other feelings then I was just being overly dramatic and I was made fun of. T seems to be accepting of my anger due to grief but I am not. It's making me feel out of control and it feels very scary. I am getting some outside real life support from friends but they are also long distance. But it does help.

Cat you are always respectful and I would never think otherwise. Yes we did talk about that handholding experience. My T brought it up and seemed so happy that I was able to ask for it. He saw it as a very positive and good thing. He did not seem to have any second thoughts about it. He told me that it was very appropriate in the circumstances and he was happy to provide that comfort to me and my inner kid.

I do think a lot of this is based on my disorganized attachment and life in general showing and proving to me that getting attached brings only further pain. I attached to oldT and he abandoned me. I attached for a very long time and very strongly to C and he died. He was taken away from me. He did not chose to leave me but he is gone and never coming back.
So, I guess I'm feeling like I may as well get rid of anyone else who has meaning in my life. May as well get this over with. And T's physical distance feels so isolating anyway. In my world when someone I know loses someone important in their life I automatically hug them when I see them. I mean... gosh I had a DEATH of someone important in my life. T could not even bend his freaking boundaries a little and give me a comfort hug? Is he that rigid or cold? It just feels like emotionally he is not there for me through this. He says all the appropriate automatic stuff but I am so numb or blocked to him nothing it getting through.

SD... almost everything you wrote resonated with me in some way. The issue with sharing my stuff about C with T... it almost feels like I'm betraying C and T has not yet earned this. But truly he has. My T has been so good to me in other areas. He saved my life after oldT. I owe him so much and he has my respect and affection which makes my feeling so puzzling to me. I just have to chalk it up to grief.

Summer thanks for writing. I keep reliving the trauma of losing C each time I try to fall asleep. Not so much in T's office. But I do experience so much anxiety there. T is open to hearing me which helps. I have told him via phone and via email what I am struggling with.

monte... thank you so much for reposting what you wrote. I don't know how I missed your post. You make a lot of sense in how you describe what you need to work with your T and his struggles to balance giving you what you want versus what is appropriate to your issues and needs. I think you are both doing a wonderful job. Yes, I need my T's physical closeness, especially now. It makes such a huge difference when he moves close to me. When he does I can FEEL that inner kid literally reaching out to him from the center of my being. It's like she steps out of me and is there on her own interacting with T because she can now feel his presence and she feels safer... because if he is close then it must mean that she is okay to him. When he is sitting out of my personal space, I lose the connection and the ability to speak deeply to him.

Thanks again all. I very much appreciated all the valuable input.

TN

WOW Summer, what you wrote resonated with me. that happens to me and I hadn't realised it until I read your words and it unlocked it for me.
SD