(((GE)))

I feel terrified to trust, especially recently. I try to trust at a distance... I do in a very strong sense trust my T but I also distance myself from it by saying to myself that I also trust her to cause me pain (which is true in all relationships - but I'm talking severe pain, like be really cruel on purpose until I'm destroyed).

As I trust things have gotten more intense also, and I think it's because... when we didn't have anyone to trust we really DID feel intensely, when abuse was happening, etc. Finally that part of us inside that has been waiting for us to find someone or some way to protect and validate .

(((hug))) I wish.... I could say anything to help but, I can relate very much!

Trusting T allows you to 'let go' from having to hold yourself together. In therapy we fall apart many times, which leads to us reorganising our previous fragile inner world.

quote:

Is it the fear and prior experience of trust being a painful and rejecting process?

Your last sentence resonates for me, Greeneyes. I don't know if this holds true for you but the way I think I dealt with a lot of my own pain was to partition it off. There was no way on earth I was trusting anyone, even myself with it and eventually I even managed to forget it was there at times. I don't remember consciously doing this - I think it kicked in automatically when I was very young.

It was a bit like having bits of me sitting inside a series of locked boxes in a closet. Occasionally I'd get a glimpse inside other boxes but they didn't really talk to each other much. If I ever did tap into some of the pain, it was overwhelming. So I learned not to do that either. It worked "brilliantly" as long as I wasn't too stressed and I didn't get too close to other people.

For me, when I began to consider trusting my therapist... and then other people, I began to access some of the bits that I'd partitioned off in order to function. Part of me strongly associates closeness with pain and suffering and it feels very, very unsafe.

I think what makes it even more confusing is that the pain doesn't always have words or thoughts attached to it - it's just there. It's hard to track down where this horrible amorphous pain is coming from, especially when you feel you've been making progress!

I'm sort of sitting in it too right now and not enjoying it much. I fessed up to my T earlier in the week that I was struggling with overwhelming feelings and needed some help to get the volume down a bit - I don't want to lock it away again but I do need to be able to live my life! She suggested doing some mindfulness exercises. If you're interested, I can let you know the audiobook she recommended.

Wow, that was a long response - I hope you made it to the end

GE ,

By definition trust requires risk. If you are trusting T more and more, you are risking more and more. The expanded grief may be because you know now how big the risk is. I think when we are children we have no concept of how big the loss is going to be. Now you are aware of all the wonderful beautiful parts of your life, your precious son, now trusting requires risking so much more.

I don't know if that was helpful. I'm thinking about you.

Jillann

((GE))

Do you think it's a combination having what you need and what you always needed coupled with what CAT mentioned about needing and wanting that was always painful before in the past? And tripled with the fear that you mentioned? The fear of rejection as well as the fear of loss?

GE, I think that as you trust your T more (and others) then it follows that you are looking more closely at your past and are discovering all that you were denied, or missed having and now you are able to recognize that. From this recognition comes terrible grief and later (hopefully) healing. As we develop those good, trusting, intimate relationships now we realize we never had that before and that seems to unlock all the hidden or repressed grief.

Talk to your T about these feelings. I know he will understand and help you through them.

Hugs
TN

Thanks so much for your replies everyone

((cat)) thanks for getting how hard and scary this feels. I think its so normal to fear that those close to us will betray our trust in the most devastating way when we've grown up with abusive caregivers. And no doubt some of the intensity would relate to an emotional reliving of being abused and neglected. You really did help!

((melba)) so true; there is the fear if we fall apart we may not come back together but I'm seeing as I fall apart again and again I come back more robust, more attached to my authentic self and more attached to my T and important others in my life

((mallard)) yep I split off a LOT of stuff to stay sane and maintain a connection to parents who were abusive and neglecting. The association of closeness with pain, suffering and feeling unsafe really resonated with me. I am really sorry this is all to real for you at the moment and I hope you get some respite soon so you can enjoy life in the present.

((Jill)) Yes I am risking a HUGE amount, it feels like i'm risking my life. Your comments were helpful and I hope you can see all the beautiful things in your life too

((Liese)) yes no doubt this involves an insane longing to feel safe and loved somewhere and not have it hurt. the fear of rejection is enormous.

((TN)) agree the closer I get to T and the more I trust him the less distorted the past seems and the emotional aspect comes to life in its full intensity. I know grief is a really sensitive topic for you at the moment so I really appreciate your courage and support in commenting here. I hope you know your T will help you in your own journey too

((blu)) yes I think if we do trust another with our grief and vulnerability it becomes more acceptable and tolerable if the other handles it well. I'm sorry you know what this is like and hope you're being gentle with yourself too.

Update:

Well, I asked T about why I'm feeling the hurt more intensely and he said that part of it was that because i'm more integrated there is more of me to feel the hurt feelings.

I said I really wanted to be able to trust him but I was scared he would find a way to make the abuse and lack of love my mother had for me my fault. He promised he would NEVER do that. That meant a lot because now I have something tangible to hold in my rational brain when my amygdala is in overdrive.

We had such a special moment today that I want to share but I'm still processing it and coming to terms with the gravity of his statement. I will share more later.

((((GREENEYES))))

It makes sense that as we integrate more, the more we feel. I can see a huge progression from when you first started to post to now. It's like you were blocking the feelings before and now you are letting them in. It's such tough work. You are in good hands. Your T sounds very special.